Lovefraud recently received a very nice e-mail from the editor of HowToDoThings.com, complimenting the information provided by Lovefraud. She suggested that an article from her website might be of interest to Lovefraud readers. It is called How To Recognize the Signs of Cheating Men.
I checked out the article. Now, I mean absolutely no disrespect to HowToDoThings.com, but the article describes cheating by mere amateurs, not sociopaths.
Signs of a cheating man
According to the article, all of the following should raise a woman’s suspicions that her guy might be cheating:
1. He improves his personal appearance.
2. He finds fault with you.
3. Your sex life changes.
4. He uses a new phone or other new technologies.
5. Your intuition tells you something is wrong.
6. His routine changes, or he has new interests.
7. His work or financial habits change.
8. You find evidence of another woman.
The key here is that something about the guy’s behavior is different. I’m sure this is the case if a guy who is reasonably normal, albeit bored or unhappy, strays. But it’s not the case with sociopaths.
For sociopaths, cheating is a way of life, so there is no change to notice.
Cheating by professionals
Sociopaths—both men and women—are professional cheaters, liars and manipulators. So let’s take a look at the list in the context of a sociopath.
1. There probably won’t be a change in personal appearance. Either they’re always obsessive about how they look, or they rely on their skills of seduction.
2. After initial flattery to get you hooked, a sociopath will start finding fault with you. In time, the sociopath blames you for being the source of all problems.
3. Sociopaths always have plenty of sexual tricks and incredible stamina, so they’ll continue to get sex from you, even if they’re getting it from someone else.
4. A new phone is simply another new toy, and sociopaths love toys. In fact, they’ll get you to buy the toys.
5. Your intuition has probably always been telling you something is wrong. But sociopaths have so many glib explanations that you no longer trust your own perceptions.
6. Sociopaths are always coming and going, and they’re always starting something new. After awhile, you accept this as normal.
7. A sociopath is always irresponsible. Jobs and money just disappear. This, too, becomes normal.
8. When you find direct evidence of cheating, the sociopath either explains it away, or accuses you of being paranoid.
The problem about being involved with a sociopath is that he or she is always erratic, and you are always off balance. So it’s difficult to see the signs of cheating, especially as the sociopath continues to profess his or her love and concern for you.
In fact, you may never find out the extent of the cheating until the sociopath discards you. Only then, when the sociopath no longer bothers to spin a web of deceit, might you find out what was really going on.
Donna, you are right. Unless you have been involved with a sociopath, you have no idea of the difference between an amateur and a pro. When I try to talk to people, they always treat me as if I “need to get a life”. They can’t understand why it is so hard to move on after an encounter. When I read many of the post, it is as if I wrote them myself. I can relate to all of the characteristics above, especially #4. My ex would rather go without food than give up his phone (and he always got me to pay the bill)! It is unbelievable how many sociopaths are lurking out there. Thank you for your website and keep up the good job.
I am learning that “my story” is really for people who already understand. I find it hard to explain the manipulation to anyone else. If I go to great lengths to explain all that happened, I feel vulnerable to judgement and I don’t like it.
Recently, I was assisting a friend of mine who is a relationship coach at one of her retreats. She asked me to talk about the signs of a dangerous partner as she was concerned that 2 of her clients were dealing with partners that were dispalying some personality disorder issues. I read my list that I had carefully written and felt really good about my contribution until someone asked, “Who would put up with that?”
At that point, I just burst into tears. No one knew that the things I read had happened to me except my friend. I felt so vulnerable. I felt judged. I felt like I gave away my power. I knew it sounded absurd when I described the signs.
I find it impossible to describe the manipulation in a way that a person can get it unless they have been though it.
As far as “getting a life”… well, I believe that this will always be a part of me. I don’t feel terrorized but I am cautious now, I check out people’s stories. I am more careful. It was about time.. I was way too trusting.
Anyway, thanks for all the great essays here. I feel understood here and that helps tremndously.
Aloha… E.R.
The fear of being judged is a big one and it’s easier to keep things and the relationship to yourself because you feel that if you can just give it a little longer, if you can just get clarity, you’ll be able to handle it. In the meantime you lose focus and your attention for important details in your own life, as well as for familyand friends who are really there for you. All in the name of ‘love’ and passion and being a trusting and ‘good person.’ I recently flared up at a boss who really wasn’t that bad – I had my issues about that job but it wasn’t in my best interest to give my notice in the heat of a moment – and I know it was partially due to the inner frustration and low-grade depression I’d felt that week over this dysfunctional relationship with someone I can’t pin down. And it’s hard to say to the world “excuse me, I’m really a pretty together person normally, but I have become used to being abused – and I’m feeling really crazy, could I please have a time-out? I want to move on now and am in the process and am also grateful for this website.
Hello Persephone7,
Isn’t it strange how they permeate our thoughts?
I was absolutely consumed with thoughts of the Bad Man and I thought I would never move on. That was as recent as April of this year. But, I feel totally different now.
I spent 100s of hours trying to figure him out. Every time I received an email from him, I would lose two nights of sleep thinking about it and arguing with him in my head all night.
Nothing has helped me more than this site and all the reading I have done about Personality Disorders. Now I understand EVERYTHING that happened. It ALL fits into the diagnostic criteria I have read over and over in different books. There was not one authentic moment in that relationship. How sad.
Now that I know it was all smoke and mirrors, it’s easier to let go. And yes, we had the hot sex and all that. It’s just part of the disorder and it’s fake too. Too bad.
Anyway, it sounds like you are getting on the right track. My story is pretty bad but I think there are women here that have gone through worse. Listen to what they say. It will get better.
A friend of mine went through something similar to me and she declared for herself “THE YEAR OF ME!” If that sounds nice, maybe you can do that for yourself.
I wish you all the best in healing this hole in your heart.
I understand.
Aloha… E.R.
Donna – you are so right. People simply do not get it about sociopaths.
Recently, due to the Megan Meier/ MySpace Suicide story we have had people come to our site and say “but you guys are ADULTS! You should know better!”
Know better about what? Something you can’t see or feel or hear? How is anyone supposed to know they are being emotionally raped or defrauded until it happens?
And these people also miss the point about manipulation & mind control. These guys are PROS!
I, too, was the object of scorn because of what I endured. I liken my situation to emotional rape. I was needy and the men, first my husband then a man who called us friends, apparently saw me as an easy target. I always felt that my love was folded, stapled, mutilated, and thrown back in my face. I always thought love begat love. Never in my life did I think that someone would actually fake illnesses, sex, and all the other emotions. to gain, what, I never really knew. I’ve found the only real emotion most of them emit, is anger. That is real. Their heart has so much garbage in it, and when they are given love that is real, they tear it to shreds.
I have a sister who hasn’t spoken to me for over 3 years, because she said that maybe some people create their own hell. Meaning me. She went on to tell me what a selfish, self centered person I was. I tried to explain to her how dysfunctional my marriage had been. Because she didn’t see it first hand, she won’t believe it. She formed an opinion based on nothing other than her own mind. So many can’t understand why we just can’t see through them. It’s because they are good. They use their wiles to trap you and gain your trust. They tell you what they think you want to hear. Once they are sure they have you, the rest is easy for them. Until we finally reach a breaking point and just can’t take any more of the abuse or as in my case, I had someone come into my life and inform me I was being abused.
Someone with normal boundaries and emotions, won’t treat a person like I was treated. Devalued, belittled, disrespected, to the point where my spirit was crushed. I figured I was the most unlovable person God ever created. How could someone use me for sex, which I thought was great, but hate me otherwise? Nothing was consistent. But those skeptics out here, thought me too gullible. That wasn’t the case. These men had a hidden agenda, and I served their purpose. I have backed away from the ones in my life who exude negative energy. I refuse to be sucked into that quagmire again. I lived too many years with never knowing who he would be today and now that I have taken back what I was robbed of, I won’t go there again. But I am much wiser than before. My mind is more settled. Yes, I was duped. But I still came out a winner, because I wasn’t completely broken. Crushed,yes. But not broken. I, through so many of these blogs, know even more what to look for, that I won’t allow anyone else to do that again. As I reflect, had I been aware, the signs were there from the get go. I just thought a man was a man. Had no idea they were so demented. The outside looked so good. How could the inside be so messed up? Now I know the rest of the story, to quote.
fighter…….
the women sociopaths are Pros as well………
some even more dangerous……in a different , more deceptive way……….
both men and female psychopaths are not good……..
dont dance with them….no, not for a min.
the mind control ? omg.
to me, i learned it like this…..
the red flags are like the odor you smell when yu enter a strangers house for the first time……
the longer you stay, the more desensitized you become to the odor ……
so it is with Ps…Ns….Ss.
in the begining, before they have time to gather all their INFO from you to put together a character that will HOOK you…you can SEE ……..
i believe that THIS IS THE OPPORTUNITY TO ESCAPE….
before we are charmed and harmed……….before we are desensitized by the ambient abuse……….before we cant smell the odor any longer and we stay…
the opportunity is in the beginning….and i already trusted myself and saed myself from another filet of my soul.
Ps can smell vulnerability and a wounded heart and soul like a shark can smell blood…..
after my experience with my 5 yr long N relationship…i was hurting….but i was now educated….and low and behold the freaks …Ps…Ns whatever that crawled out from under rocks but i trusted my senses…
since my P experience, i like to think i have new ANTI-VIRUS P software installed inside me now……….and NOW when im alerted…i have the opportunity to LISTEN TO MY GUT……and take the action that i wish i had taken before – had i only known THEN, what i know now,
thanks everyone – thanks Lovefraud – from a 45yr oldMale who was in a 5 yr relationship with a female P
B…im sorry……..i did my best………with what i had, what i knew…and whyo i was at the time. – S
Phoenix
p.s.
B was her boy that was 7 when i met him – i’ll miss him – i was made to be the bad guy,and was ousted like turning off a TV or changing its channel – just like that…. i was gone.
God only knows wht she said to him, but i can fill in the gaps from what i HAVE sen and heard.
as imentioned up ABOVE…in the beginning is when you can ‘smell’ the odor…or rather SEE THE RED FLAGS….i let them slide….didnt know the TRUE INTERPRETATION TO THOSE particular signs were………but i do now….and i just recently spared myself another ‘dancing’ lesson.
so glad i listened to my gut this time….and took action……..
no contact IS the only way…….. ignore them……..dont be drawn into interacting with them…….thats wat they want.
Phoenix
Absolutely true! I didn’t find out what was really happening during our marriage until after he left me. I did find out about one during the marriage and he bawled his eyes out, but told me he couldn’t explain to me his motivations or thinking concerning why or how he did it. “The opportunity was just there”.
He had/has ZERO conscience.
Of course there were things I suspected-
Condoms in his glovebox, flirtatious text messages, hard core porn, a USED condom in our bathroom trash can, internet cookies filling in the search bar for me, the list goes on.
It took me so long trying to figure out how I let it go on. But for every question I asked there was a ready explanation. I’m not sure it was even premeditated. He was just that good, lies flowed naturally. Lies I couldn’t fault or counter-argue. His facade was air tight. I didn’t want to be the bickering, suspicious, jealous wife…and I refused to be that without real proof.
So I found out that over a year and nine month marriage, he cheated on me over 15 times (real number will never be known), he did drugs, and got drunk frequently when he told me he had stopped drinking. Nothing changed in bed, it just became less frequent. He said, “It’s like that book What to Expect When Your Expecting says…sometimes the father’s drive diminishes due to hormones too”. This was around the time my daughter was a few months old. It still amazes me on how he had the time to do all that he did without me knowing. What ambition it must have taken to live that life! And all the while I was at home calling the police station to make sure he wasn’t in a wreck, and crying my eyes out, caring for OUR newborn and he didn’t care one bit.
I will just say I am so grateful to have finally “figured” him out! I have such a peace of mind knowing that it is NOT my fault, and that because I was so fooled and manipulated does not make me a foolish person, just unfortunate.
They enjoy the deception. It gives them a sense of power and control Sick freaks!
This is all so horribly familiar. Psychopaths are pros, that’s for sure. I can relate to the concept of emotional rape. I feel like he rummaged around in my life and my emotions, coldly using what suited him and trampling casually over what he discarded once he was done. The sense of violation is acute and profound.