Lovefraud recently received a very nice e-mail from the editor of HowToDoThings.com, complimenting the information provided by Lovefraud. She suggested that an article from her website might be of interest to Lovefraud readers. It is called How To Recognize the Signs of Cheating Men.
I checked out the article. Now, I mean absolutely no disrespect to HowToDoThings.com, but the article describes cheating by mere amateurs, not sociopaths.
Signs of a cheating man
According to the article, all of the following should raise a woman’s suspicions that her guy might be cheating:
1. He improves his personal appearance.
2. He finds fault with you.
3. Your sex life changes.
4. He uses a new phone or other new technologies.
5. Your intuition tells you something is wrong.
6. His routine changes, or he has new interests.
7. His work or financial habits change.
8. You find evidence of another woman.
The key here is that something about the guy’s behavior is different. I’m sure this is the case if a guy who is reasonably normal, albeit bored or unhappy, strays. But it’s not the case with sociopaths.
For sociopaths, cheating is a way of life, so there is no change to notice.
Cheating by professionals
Sociopaths—both men and women—are professional cheaters, liars and manipulators. So let’s take a look at the list in the context of a sociopath.
1. There probably won’t be a change in personal appearance. Either they’re always obsessive about how they look, or they rely on their skills of seduction.
2. After initial flattery to get you hooked, a sociopath will start finding fault with you. In time, the sociopath blames you for being the source of all problems.
3. Sociopaths always have plenty of sexual tricks and incredible stamina, so they’ll continue to get sex from you, even if they’re getting it from someone else.
4. A new phone is simply another new toy, and sociopaths love toys. In fact, they’ll get you to buy the toys.
5. Your intuition has probably always been telling you something is wrong. But sociopaths have so many glib explanations that you no longer trust your own perceptions.
6. Sociopaths are always coming and going, and they’re always starting something new. After awhile, you accept this as normal.
7. A sociopath is always irresponsible. Jobs and money just disappear. This, too, becomes normal.
8. When you find direct evidence of cheating, the sociopath either explains it away, or accuses you of being paranoid.
The problem about being involved with a sociopath is that he or she is always erratic, and you are always off balance. So it’s difficult to see the signs of cheating, especially as the sociopath continues to profess his or her love and concern for you.
In fact, you may never find out the extent of the cheating until the sociopath discards you. Only then, when the sociopath no longer bothers to spin a web of deceit, might you find out what was really going on.
To countrygirl1967: about your situation
I too experienced a whack of sex phone calls on OUR bill during the early stages of our marriage. When I questioned him, he said that it was his father(who was living with us at the time) and said that he would pay for it through company expenses. My ex worked out of town quite a bit, and at one time, he asked me to set up a cell account for him, so it was in my name. At one point in our marriage, he disappeared for 5 days. I had no idea where he was. I couldn’t sleep, eat or function properly, and when he finally did call, he said he was on a trip with a co-worker. It turned out to be his girlfriend. After I confronted him about the affair, I forgave him right away, in hopes that our young family could stay together. The more that I learned about his erratic behaviour the more abusive he became. He had opened up separate banking accounts, credit cards and was always going to meetings out of town ,stopped putting his paycheque into our joint account, (which left me with no money),I would be stuck at home with no money while he was away. I tracked many escapades to escort ladies by tracking his phone calls on his cell. He told me that it was none of my business. When working out of town he also had a “new” friend as he called her. She turned out to be a stripper.
I am not together with him anymore, but let me tell you, it has been extremely difficult having to deal with him as we have children together. I have been arrested for something I didn’t do, I have been stalked, I have had my home broken into, items stolen that I knew were his. I have not received sufficient support in years. He managed to “quit” his job (he said he got laid off), he is working under the table and is making a lot of money, and – yes- he has managed to drag out our divorce proceedings. He has tried to do many things such as buy groceries for me and drop them off in front of our children and simultaneously not provide support. Over the period of our separation he has used our son and managed to turn him against me and had convinced him to move in with him.
Even with all this turmoil, I know for sure that I had the right thing in leaving. I no longer lay awake at night, wondering, questioning myself if I have done the right thing. I have trusted my instincts and realize that his actions do NOT represent true love. At the time, he was so crafty in having me think that I have done something wrong. This would in turn take away more of my self-esteem – the very little I had left.
This is only a condensed version of what I have experienced.
My advice is to concentrate on your happiness. As each day passes you will become stronger and realize that it is not you but rather HIM that had created this turmoil in your life. It is your time now to focus your time and your energy on yourself. I also found that by letting myself feel each emotion as they came day after day, the anger and the hurt eventually subsided and I was able to replace those emotions with more positive ones.
I am new to lovefraud and have learned to cut off any contact with him. I just need some advice on how to deal with him regarding our children as he has and is manipulating them as well.
BE STRONG, STAY STRONG, GET STRONGER
With mine it was internet sex. He blamed the really raunchy websites and the college girl websites on his son (who hadn’t even been in his house for three months!) OK, I always kind of knew he had some sites he liked to go see, but I started to discover that he was really getting into some very very perverse stuff. I confronted him on it, and he said “now you know my deepest darkest secret.”
Well, I’ll tell ya: unfortunately, I may have figured out some deeper and darker secrets, which is why I”m scared of the guy.
But even now, as I’m NC and have that Protection Order against him, I waver. In my weaker moments, I wonder of there’s a glimmer of hope that he still loves me!
CountryGirl, I only went back once, and it was oh, so painful. But I know the draw of the addiction. PLEASE, if you want to feel good about yourself, stay away. He’ll survive! Unfortunately, he’ll find someone else, way too quickly for your comfort.
The problem is: those of us who love men and women like this love being in love; we love the passion and adventure, and when we pull away, well, we don’t think we’ll ever have the good times we had with that person again.
My suggestion: take a trip. Go somewhere you always wanted to go. Take a good friend! There’s much passion and adventure to be found in just discovering another culture.
have a hug, be strong, and yes yes yes I agree with Hens
I was watching the travel chanel today…..
I am thinking I should use my air miles to go to CHILE!
That would certainly give me a new perspective…..
🙂
I hear the food in Chile is wonderful. Wine is too. Wanna go?
I actually am thinking about China and Taiwan. Or Greece.
I’m in!
That’s my problem……no travel partner……and I don’t want to take the kids…..
I’d love to have a travel bud….Athough, I’d be willing to go alone too…..WHY NOT!
The kids will be gone this weekend….and I’m thinking a nice getaway would be nice……
Just not sure where i’d go…..this is the problem becoming a hermit….you become used to being at home…..
EB, come to Denver!
My trip to Jamaica this year has been foiled by a demanding Siamese. He went into renal failure and I finally made the hard decision to have him euthanized on Friday. He died at home in my arms. I’m pretty devastated. If he didn’t want me to go to Jamaica, he should have just asked. I would have stayed home with him instead. I would have done anything for him. I miss him so much. 🙁
Star I am so sorry your putter cat has died. i have had to put down pets. But if they had a good long life we did a good job and have many good memorys of them. What was his name? I will always remember Willie and JuneBug, two of my weiners that are long gone….
miss erin I will go to chile with ya – send me a ticket…
Oh, Stargazer, sooo sorry about the Siamese. My cats keep me sane!
Perhaps we should do a LoveFraud field trip. I suspect we’d discover we’re all pretty cool, compassionate people, most of whom need cat care.
😉
Star:
I’m sorry about your kitty……
It’ll be tears for you for a bit. Animals are such great unconditional lovers!!! I don’t know what the world would be without them! They teach, those of us willing to learn so very much…..
I’m sorrry Star.
When we had to put down our Allie gals (dog), it was so very miserable…..
I felt like a spath that day…..she had a stroke in the night and we called the mobile vet to come over….it was all very compassionate and we were with her, loving her til the end…..
I had a big job to do that afternoon…..and I couldn’t blow it off…NO WAY….it was with our governor and other politicians and rebuilding a business….ya don’t blow those dudes off!
My oldest was working with me that day……and he looked at me after we buried allie and said….I hope you don’t think we are working today. I said….Um, yes, we have no choice…..we have 2 hours to collect ourselves…..these people have seen enough of our drama and we are going to go and shine as if nothing was going on in our personal lives…..
It was so very hard to pull it together…..but we did…..
After the event, about a week…..a good friend and very invaluable supporter of me during this time called (she was at the event)….to tell me what a neat kid my oldest is……and what a great job he did. Then we got to talking and she asked about the dog….I told her she passed…and it came out when…..she was shocked!
Talk about compartmentalizing things…..my eldest learned this lesson that night!
And now we have OH mY GOLLY…..HOLLY.
And unfortunatley….I think she’d eat cats…..
We just had the coyotes howling in the yard…..I think she wanted to welcome them with chocolate! Dummy.
I think they are denning out near the ‘paintcans’…with their pups.
They have no idea how valuable they are!!!
🙂
Keep your chin up Star…..Keep those purrrsss and loves close in your heart.