Lovefraud recently received a very nice e-mail from the editor of HowToDoThings.com, complimenting the information provided by Lovefraud. She suggested that an article from her website might be of interest to Lovefraud readers. It is called How To Recognize the Signs of Cheating Men.
I checked out the article. Now, I mean absolutely no disrespect to HowToDoThings.com, but the article describes cheating by mere amateurs, not sociopaths.
Signs of a cheating man
According to the article, all of the following should raise a woman’s suspicions that her guy might be cheating:
1. He improves his personal appearance.
2. He finds fault with you.
3. Your sex life changes.
4. He uses a new phone or other new technologies.
5. Your intuition tells you something is wrong.
6. His routine changes, or he has new interests.
7. His work or financial habits change.
8. You find evidence of another woman.
The key here is that something about the guy’s behavior is different. I’m sure this is the case if a guy who is reasonably normal, albeit bored or unhappy, strays. But it’s not the case with sociopaths.
For sociopaths, cheating is a way of life, so there is no change to notice.
Cheating by professionals
Sociopaths—both men and women—are professional cheaters, liars and manipulators. So let’s take a look at the list in the context of a sociopath.
1. There probably won’t be a change in personal appearance. Either they’re always obsessive about how they look, or they rely on their skills of seduction.
2. After initial flattery to get you hooked, a sociopath will start finding fault with you. In time, the sociopath blames you for being the source of all problems.
3. Sociopaths always have plenty of sexual tricks and incredible stamina, so they’ll continue to get sex from you, even if they’re getting it from someone else.
4. A new phone is simply another new toy, and sociopaths love toys. In fact, they’ll get you to buy the toys.
5. Your intuition has probably always been telling you something is wrong. But sociopaths have so many glib explanations that you no longer trust your own perceptions.
6. Sociopaths are always coming and going, and they’re always starting something new. After awhile, you accept this as normal.
7. A sociopath is always irresponsible. Jobs and money just disappear. This, too, becomes normal.
8. When you find direct evidence of cheating, the sociopath either explains it away, or accuses you of being paranoid.
The problem about being involved with a sociopath is that he or she is always erratic, and you are always off balance. So it’s difficult to see the signs of cheating, especially as the sociopath continues to profess his or her love and concern for you.
In fact, you may never find out the extent of the cheating until the sociopath discards you. Only then, when the sociopath no longer bothers to spin a web of deceit, might you find out what was really going on.
Thank you to the women that posted in response to my story. I feel like I so desperately need someone else to know the details to confirm that it’s him and not me. So many times he has a way of having just the right excuse to give me enough doubt that I feel maybe I am wrong. Somehow my actions caused his actions. I find it so hard to stay away form him, I love him after all. It just blows my mind the things that he does to me!
It’s not as simple as stealing money, or stalking me or stuff like that. It’s stuff like when I didn’t want to see him for valentine’s day weekend (well actually I did want to see him, but I was waiting for him to give me a reason to see him) anyway there were reasons why I pushed him away and I wanted him to prove to me that he would do right. ANyway on that weekend I got text messages from his phone from a girl he cheated on me with. I was very upset to say the least, this was totally opposite of my idea that maybe he would “blow my doors off” this weekend like he always promised he would – to prove his love to me. Well she even called me from his phone telling me that there is nothing between them anymore and that if I wasn’t such a “nut case” I could be with them all hanging out too. When I tried to call him to ask him why he let her call me at all – he never answered the phone. They were at the bar all together as a group (all a clique that she is also part of ) (o and I do believe the alcohol also plays a part in his behavoir) Well in the end he did call me at 1am but he was obviously drunk and I didn’t answer the phone.
The next day I happen to Facebook the girl and she had posted at 2am “brad spooning me and me spooning jen……” Supposedly her friend was breaking up with her b/f and very distraught and upset (also another friend of his) and she asked to spend the night – well her friend was this girl that he had cheated on me with! So anyway he had let the two girls spend the night IN HIS BED. He swore nothing happened, but he never told me about it before hand – he only admitted it because the girl put it on her facebook page.
I told him that was it – that I can’t be around these people he hangs out with especially when it includes her. I told him I felt uncomfortable that he was with her when I was not around. I went down to see him this past weekend for god knows what reason – and when we went to breakfast the next day SHE was there at the restaurant! It was only a coincidence but again I was uncomfortable. I knew that in his town this happened a lot and I live 50 miles away from him. Far enough to not really EVER know what was really going on down there.
He swore to be honest with me from now on and he did tell me that she called him a few times and once even at 2am ! I was happy that he told me – thinking how honest he is now being – but unhappy for two reasons
1. why the hell is she still calling him and why is he allowing it? supposedly he said her mother was dying and she needed someone to talk to about it at 2am Yea Right
2. unhappy also because i have this sinking feeling in my stomach that perhaps he was telling me only to cover his own tracks – in case i found out on my own that she called him at 2am – he already had his excuse in place.
Also she has stopped over his house in the past week “with another friend” that is also a middle aged man like himself and who is also “cuddling” and hanging out with this girl, who is 25! We are in our 40’s!
The other day I happen to be cleaning out some office stuff and noticed her number on a piece of paper with lots of other numbers on it. It was my handwriting – and it was a list of suspicious phone numbers I had found on his phone a few months back. I called him and reminded him that I told him if I catch him in another lie I would have to leave him. So I asked him DID YOU TALK TO HER A LOT BEFORE THE INCIDENT WHERE SHE SPENT THE NIGHT ON FEB 12 VALENTINES DAY WEEKEND??? he said no he didn’t think so I said are you sure? because I found her number on this list from your phone bill a few months back and I’m going to check the bill. He gave me the password to check it . Which of course I did. I found 8 either text messages or phone calls up to three weeks prior to the “sleeping over” incident. I told him. He said he didn’t recall it but yes it could be because of course he TOLD me she had texted him. ???? he seems to just slightly change the story to his behalf.
So here I am again – when I was out for two weeks almost – back into the web of lies he tells and trying to always get concrete proof of his lies so that I can finally justify leaving. I told him tho that I was done with him (I ‘ve said that many times before ) he said that I had no reason to be so upset because he told me that she prob texted him (he doesn’t remember why) but I feel why can’t he just CUT ALL TIES with this woman if it makes me so uncomfortable?????
Dear Country girl,
What do you NEED IN THE WAY OF “PROOF?” My goodness woman, do you want a video of him having sex with someone before you kick him to the curb?
Maybe even that wouldn’t work and you’d want to see the action live before you kicked him to the curb!
He is playing you, she is jplaying you and they had a 3-way and they are all playing you. I know it hurts, but you deserve better than this creep! ((((Hugs)))))
This thread is really hitting home for me.
I feel like it has been very difficult to stop trying to bargain to have back the fantasy that I thought was our life together. In the last couple of weeks, it has helped me to all but live on this site and read the stories and the articles and to use all of the resources I could get my hands on.
Soon a shopping trip for the books!
I was happy with what I thought my life was. I was stunned when I started to uncover what was really going on right under my nose! 16 active dating profiles, literally hundreds of approaches over email and a few hot prospects.
This guy was a real salesman and his business was women!
Its hard to pop the bubble. Seems that the intellectual understanding about what is the right thing comes first but that the emotional support for what is right comes later through a slower process.
Accepting that he was not only cheating, but very seriously intent on it required that I accept it was real and that it would be a very serious impediment to any future because this wasn’t the kind of behavior he should have been conducting as a newly wed and he’d obviously been at it just that way for a while.
To me it came down to asking what would he have to do in order for me to believe any promise I could anticipate?
The way I looked at it was : 1). Could he tell me that there was a reason for it? No, because I already knew he lied and therefore no worlds from his lips would suffice.
2). Could anyone else tell me? No, why would I believe them if I couldn’t believe him?
3). That the only way would be for him to LIVE IT DOWN and that would mean a lot of time from me to double check everything he said or did.
Ultimately, I decided that’s not the life I want to live. It would put me in the position of being a nag and a mommy which in turn would justify his acting out.
I just came to see the whole thing as a vicious cycle with nothing in it but a downward spiral for me.
So as hard as it was to act from intllect before my emotions caught up, I started following the advice from people here. No Contact, No kidding. And I called an attorney to begin the process of ending our legal relationship.
In time, the emotions come to the place where I acknowledge that it hurts to be embarrassed and humiliated and decieved and that eventually, this will pass. And I find myself to be increasingly more at peace than I was during the time i was in contact with him and being invited to pretend like he wasn’t in jail and every thing is normal.
Because, its not.
One of my favorite characters in the movies was Scarlett O’Hara’s Mammie in the movie Gone With the Wind. I am reminded of her stalwartness when in the scene where Scarlett is preparing for a visit to Atlanta Mammie says :
“It ain’t fittin, it ain’t fittin, it jes ain’t fittin”!
I listen to that voice inside the back of my head and go on. One day, one step at a time.
I don’t know where I’d be or what might have turned out different if I didn’t end up here, but that is neither here nor there because I’m here now and LF has made a difference for me as I went through the process.
If my story, or just knowing that I’m here helps you in any way, then I am gladder still to be here and part of the ongoing process of recovery from this experience.
Dear LF peeps!
Whoever is going through all the old essays, I LOVE IT! I keep finding my very old comments and I can see how far I have grown. Above I said I felt vulnerable and judged when I tried to share my story but now I feel empowered by what I learned and how it might help others.
Cool…. it was worth the ride!
Aloha
P.S. Not to say I don’t have work to do… always a work in progress. :O)
Dear Aloha,
I second the sentiments there, going back through the old articles and rereading some of my posts! Yea, the healing is a JOURNEY, not a destination. Sometimes we BACK TRACK TOO or get off the road into the SWAMP of DESPAIR (been there recently) but when we find ourselves mired down in the swamp, or looking up from the bottom of a hole we have fallen into we just have to climb back up to the ROAD and keep on trucking!
Having friends here who don’t judge you for falling, or for back tracking is a good thing. When I had my melt down in December and January I started to NOT post it here cause I didn’t want people to “know” or think badly of me, I actually felt somewhat ASHAMED of melting down, but you know, at the same time, I realized that EVERYONE melts down once in a while and that me “pretending ” here that I don’t is FALSE and I can’t be anything LESS THAN 100% HONEST with my “LF peeps” as Janie would say!
Sure, I WISH I was always handling things well, but I don’t always–NO ONE does—we all make mistakes and are in denial sometimes, no matter how WELL we do MOST of the time. MOST of the timem I am DOING GREAT! But I have my MOMENTS! when my world still falls apart and I crash. But less often and for shorter periods of time, and I am LEARNING, and continue to learn! I’m still a dingy old bat with a twisted sense of humor, Henry calls me his “twisted sister” LOL but I know that I am OK, I WILL BE OK, and I will continue to climb back up on that road to healing because I will CONTINUE to work hard on myself.
It is comforting for me to know that I have freinds here who will call encouragement to me when I fall off the road, or fall down and skin my knee or bust my lip, and Know that I will do the same for them. That’s why I keep coming here, why I read as much as I can, why I CARE.
Empowering ourselves and using that power to help others is what LF is about. NONE of us is ALONE and that is a powerful feeling. Seeing the people who come here that are really DOWN and then seeing them start too feel more powerful because we reach out to them and say WELCOME, YOU ARE NOT ALONE makes ME feel my own power more, because when
“a burden is shared, it is halved, and when a joy is shared IT IS DOUBLED.”
We share each other’s burdens and we share each other’s joys though we have never met face to face, and probably never will. That doesn’t matter, what matters is none of us is ALONE in carrying our burdens, and not alone in sharing our joys either.
TOWANDA TO US!!!!!
2Behappy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Read here.
Then Decide.
I agree, the reversal of your position is stunning.
After 12 years with a man, it has suddenly dawned on me that he is a sociopath. We have had domestic violence issues and separated, but would reconcile after many promises were made, etc. It would always go downhill fast, but I stayed because I really loved him and I labored under the illusion that it would “work out”. It didn’t.
But there were other things. Some I didn’t know about until recently, like the hook up sites he was on and the daughter of his best friend, a dominatrix. He would tell me she was like a “niece” and he would drive 4 hrs away to visit her. I discovered that he was giving her tons of $$, and that they were role playing. He would actually come home with his wrists and ankles bleeding from being bound, and marks on his back from being whipped. He would say he bumped himself, etc. This is a 67 yr old man who takes medication to thin his blood. He bruises easily and he would have finger print marks on his upper arms. God only knows what they were doing, but he is hooked on it big time. He won’t talk to me about it, soo I don’t know the whole truth. I do believe they have included other women, and possibly men, in their “get togethers”. They have taken this to a whole other level, and she actually blogs about it. I would say she is a sociopath too. I think he has become a sex addict. I can’t help him. I am appalled at all of it and cannot understand how I got sucked into this.
Then there is the blaming me for everything, and turning me into almost a servant. I always knew something was off kilter, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. After reconciling, he will begin to get real cold and he has an legion of friends that he talks to about me and uses against me. He has them all convinced that I am some psycho bitch he has to deal with when it’s really him. He lets bills go like the mortgage and won’t pay utilities. I lost my job so he was paying everything and I assumed he was doing it. But then late notices from the gas company appear on the front door, etc. He is so irresponsible. He’s giving this dominatrix money carte blanche but not paying for the basic necessities.
He goes to church every Sunday, and they think he’s a great guy. He has everyone fooled. He is Jekyll and Hyde. I read that sociopath’s sometimes take on the personality of the person they get involved with sexually, and he has certainly done that with this woman. She is 43 yrs old and a phone sex operator. She does the whole femdom thing on the side. He told me she was a waitress, but I discovered the truth when he invited me to visit her with him. I was mortified and didn’t want him to go back, but that didn’t happen. While there, she had the gall to tell me that I had “deserved and asked for” an injury I received during an altercation with my ex. I was livid, and let’s just say the visit did not go well.
I ended up having to leave my home again because he wouldn’t. He always has to win. Always.
There’s so much more. I think it would take a book to write it all. Thank God for sites like this so I can know I’m not crazy (which he tries to make me think). God bless.
Jesus cheaters/perverts are the lowest of the low! They have the audacity to sit in churches- as if nothing ever happened. It’s their job to cheat on you…and abuse you….AND it’s your job to forgive them! All the while they look like “nice church goers” on the outside. Creepy as it gets!!!
Raintree26,
Hello and welcome! So glad you found this sight!It has been so educational and supportive to all of us!
So sorry to hear your story.Sociopaths may differ in some respects,but as you’ll see by reading the many posts here,they’re more similar than different.
I’ve never told my story all at once;often it is too much to handle emotionally.
Reading these stories reminds me again how selfish and sick these men are. The blaming others, crazy making and lies remind me all so well of my husband. It has been 6 months since he left and discarded me but I still sometimes blame myself. I am definetely improving. Please make sure that you will never except any blame at all. I am slowly healing from this abuse after 20 years of it. Once you are not in that situation anymore and broke of all of contact with him you will realize that actually he is absolutely nothing. Everything that comes out of their mouth is worthless. Good luck to you.
I met an amazing man about 5 months ago. I was a bit surprised with how quickly he professed his love and feelings for me early on. The experience was very flattering and exciting, but overall “intense” would describe it best. I have yet to meet one friend, which I thought was odd.. but of course there was explanations. I let it go even though I thought it was odd. Although some aspects were a bit unusual, but overall I’ve been happy. Past and present are used because Im still “in it”. Recently he attended a work party of mine, and shortly after we returned I found out he had gotten a coworkers number and began texting her immediately to meet up, in secret. I was informed of all of it pretty quickly, understandably so! It was my work party! A cheater was the LAST thing I would have accused him to be; fidelity seemed of high importance to him. Never in my wildest dreams.. especially surrounded by people close to me. I feel as if I don’t know this man at all. Since the incident, he’s been calling and texting relentlessly… even wrote my parents a lengthy letter of explanation. His reasoning for doing it was an impressive story… teaching my gossipy coworker a lesson by framing her. Making it seem as if SHE was trying to lure him. Come on… ever since the incident, I can’t stop reading about sociopaths and thinking his behavior is textbook. No friends, over expression of “emotion”, lying .. I’ve caught him in so many lies since.. my gut keeps leading me to this site.. but my head can’t stop trying to understand why someone would go through the trouble to demonstrate such love and commitment, only to throw it away in such a risky way. Reading about how sociopaths enjoy lying for the sake of lying and seeing how much they can get away with really hits home.
Ann, I went through the exact same thing with the one I dated for 3 months. It took me all of 3 months to figure it out, but it was devastating nonetheless. I once went on a camping trip and came home to 25 voicemails from him professing his love for me. All the while, he was married and lying about it. He had also gone behind my back and contacted several other women from the website where we met. I didn’t find this out till much later. Drop him as quickly as you can. I guarantee that what you are seeing is only the tip of the iceberg. It’s hard to understand how they can woo you as they do but lie and cheat so easily. It’s not a normal game that an insensitive jerk plays. It’s much more sinister and something that they will never changed. Get out now before you get hooked in further. Trust me on this.
BTW, when I turned mine into the army for adultery, he denied that we were more than casual friends. Fortunately for me, I had the 25 voicemails to prove otherwise. (And that’s how you bring down a sociopath!)
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I did finally break it off officially and blocked him. The calls and texts nonstop were just draining me, and really messing with my head. Of course we want them to magically turn into that perfect person we thought they were, but when the masks slips it’s hard to forget. I was almost to the point of giving it another try, but I caught him in one last lie and decided to cut it off. I received a text later from his mother saying he had left my things by my car… “my things” included every gift I bought for him, every note, shampoo and conditioner, produce I had left in the fridge, Christmas gifts from my parents, even a receipt for a chair he bought me months ago. That is not normal… so I toss it all in my car, so I’m not blocking my neighbors space and head to work. Tonight I became curious about the site we met on.. logged on.. sure enough, I have a smiley face message from him and his profile is updated. Ready for next one already…. if only they had warnings. ?
Good job for holding that slime ball accountable! Will doing the same….if I run into any like that!
I heard that one before! Dancing Dick practically said her vagina chased him down the street and jumped on him! They believe the own lies….so arguing with them when you find the truth- is futile.