By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Sometimes I have felt like I was totally alone in having a son (child) who was capable of horrible things. Sometimes I have felt like I was alone in turning my son in to police for the crimes he committed. Though the crime I turned my son in for was for theft, I still felt alone in doing so, and was criticized by people, even family members, for doing it.
However, two recent stories have ripped my heart out. I had been following the case of the missing 12 year old New Jersey girl, but the alleged murderers were caught and charged. Their mother turned them in to police. Here is the most recent news:
Teens accused of killing Clayton 12-year-old Autumn Pasquale showed two sides to town residents, on PressOfAtanticCity.com.
And then there’s the awful case from Colorado of the missing girl whose body was found dismembered:
Jessica Ridgeway murder suspect confessed to mother, sources say, on ABCNews.Go.com.
Even I can’t even imagine just what courage it took for those mothers to contact police to tell them they thought their sons were the guilty parties in such horrible crimes.
My son accused of murder
When the Sgt. Joe Decorte contacted me to tell me that my son Patrick was arrested for murdering Jessica Witt, age 17 in January 1992, I went immediately into denial. It could not be true! I locked myself in my house for three months, seeing no one except the family that lived with me and my mother and my step-father, taking no telephone calls and refusing to believe what Sgt. Decorte had told me, yet knowing it was probably true. I wished I could change places and have my son dead and the girl in jail for his murder.
Of course Patrick, when he would call me collect from the jail where he was being held, denied he had anything to do with the crime ”¦ later I found out, when I finally read the police report nearly 20 years later, that he actually gave a statement and admitted to the police that he had killed her. Even after his trial, when his attorney told me what the “evidence” against him presented at the trial was (he couldn’t tell me what Patrick had told him in confidence was), I still didn’t want to believe.
Would I, on the basis of a Facebook page, have called police? I wish I could say yes, but I’m not sure what I would have done. I do know that when I saw evidence with my own eyes that my son had stolen, I turned him in, also knowing that as a juvenile, he would only have gotten a sealed record and a “slap on the wrist” that I hoped would “scare him straight.”
Compassion
While I feel great sorrow for the parents of the murdered girls, I also feel great compassion for the mothers of the boys who allegedly committed these crimes. I feel great compassion that they were put in such situations that they were required by their own moral compasses to pick up the phone and call the police and turn in their own sons for possibly being the killers of these young girls.
No matter how “bad” our situation is, there are always those that are equally as bad, or worse. There are always others who are suffering as we suffered because of “man’s inhumanity to man,” and because of the acts of horror committed by those we love or to those we love.
Each act of evil committed by any person (psychopath or not) not only affects the actual victim, but those who loved the victim, and also by those who loved the abuser.
Right now there are approximately two million people in prison and five million on parole or probation for crimes of various levels. Statistics and research show that a high percentage of people in prison are psychopaths, or at least very high on the psychopath check list-revised. Each of those criminals has victims, and the victims have families, but the criminals also have families who are saddened or destroyed by the crimes of those they love. The waves of pain radiate out like ripples from a pebble thrown into a pond.
We are not alone in being the victims of evil people, and we are not alone if we are among those who love(d) those evil abusers.
Oxy,
How hard. And so complicated.
I know that there is a genetic component to personality disorders and psychopathy. I know (now) that I married and had kids with one.
I also know that one of my 3 kids does not have an abundance of empathy. OK, let’s just say he has less empathy than I would like to see in him. Hmmm…. maybe I should say that at times I get a sense of dread that he “lacks” empathy and I don’t want that to be true. I have known this for years and for many of those years I thought I could “teach” empathy to him. Now, I’m not so sure. I have tried very hard.
He seemed to be a very normal, loving baby, toddler, preschooler, attached to me, and with many smiles and hugs and display of normal feelings.
He has been jerked around by (abused by) his father at times. (I say that matter of factly though it is horrible).
Something changed for my son around the age of 13, and I still don’t know what it was. He became less kind. This was during the time I was believing I was doing the right thing by enforcing (forcing) his time with his father (shared custody). I had to really push him at times (verbally) to go on his visitation. I feel so bad about this now. At the time, I thought I was doing the “right” thing and also it was the legal thing. I feel so stupid now for not allowing him to just refuse to go, and stay with me. I understand the pressure cappucino queen was under, to take her Prince for the visitation… there is/was pressure from the legal system, threats from the dad to take legal action if I don’t comply, verbal rages from him in my home if the kids didn’t go with him, and condescending pressure from the therapists advising our family, who didn’t support me/the kids, and accused me of parental alienation. Very complicated.
I feel so responsible, such regret, for forcing my children. But I also know that I was not really free to choose.
I have wondered, could it be more of an Asperger’s thing that my son has? Not that I want that for my child, either, but it is not evil, like a personality disorder is. The whole thing is very confusing.
He has times when he seems to have empathy and feelings, and other times when he doesn’t. I, his mother, find it confusing. And also I don’t want to believe that he is like his dad.
I feel bad for my part in mating with a deviant spath (unknowingly, innocently) and producing a child who looks to be deficient in some of these important human qualities.
The whole thing is just tragic.
The jury is still out, for what kind of person my son will turn out to be. I always hope and pray for the best, as I’m sure every mother does.
What a lot of courage it takes to turn in one’s own child for a crime.
I can see how denial happens.
OxD,
I have always had the utmost respect for the position you have taken NOT denying a duck is duck.
While we write about the fence riders and the damage their position can cause, there is not enough support for the parent who holds their child/ren accountable for their behavior especially when that child is dangerous.
I saw both stories this week of the mothers turning in their sons. I commend both of them. I thought of you both times. I know that you could relate to their feelings better than I.
It was refreshing hearing all reports seeming to appreciate these mothers but after hearing your story and imagining how difficult this has been for you, your story made me stop and really think about how brave these mothers are.
I understand better how they endure an ongoing loss and even ridicule from society and family members for holding the sons accountable and TURNING THEM IN. Nobody really knows how they would handle this situation unless they live it.
Child rearing is much harder than we think prior to accepting the challenging job. I can only hope I raise my child to the best of my ability and if I am ever (God forbid) put in a position such as you and the mothers who have had to face this reality, that I rise to the situation and take a position as respectable as you and they have. I don’t envy it but I sure do appreciate it.
It is another life experience that boggles the mind of those who have not lived it. Just like your life being multiple lifetime movies. 🙂
20years,
Yup yep yep yep. I can relate to much of what your post says.
I believe the courts force us to betray our very reality and thus betray our children. We are told to force visitation and act as if it’s best or ELSE. The position it puts the mother usually or father in at times, is a catch 22. You cannot win…………..
It must take a person who has feelings and a conscience to do the right thing, even if it is your child.
As I read these comments, it saddened me to realize that when my P sister attacked me and my son, my S mother not only stood by her, she assisted in the attacks.
Later, on a difficult day when I was struggling over what they had done to us, their own flesh and blood, I called my mother to demand why. Her answer was, “What have we ever done to hurt you?”
Any biological creature can have offspring. What makes them true mothers and fathers are the feelings that they are capable of having for others. The others are just biologically replicating themselves, which flies in the face of the social myth that all families need to be together.
That statement sounds so harsh to me. I guess there is a part of me that still wants to believe that all mothers are mommies and all fathers are daddies, but in the end, there are those with offspring who admire the harm their children do.
So, yes, we are judged very harshly when we do not maintain that myth, as I have been because I “won’t let it go” or “forgive them; they’re blood.” They’d just as soon as see me dead, but most people cannot or will not believe that.
There is nothing magnanimous about foregoing wanting to live, survive, and being afraid of someone capable of murder or other great harm. Wanting peace and safety is healthy behavior. It’s our right just as much as it is the right of any other human being.
We drew the short straw, but that doesn’t mean we have to sacrifice ourselves on some warped altar of societal expectations because our enduring the horrific gives others a false warm and fuzzy feeling those sorts of things will never happen to them. We are entitled to protect ourselves and to live without fear or in chaos. Nobody has the right to deny us that.
People who turn in others have souls, feelings, and instincts to survive.
I never want anybody else to go through what my son and I did. Just because we are related by blood doesn’t mean that we are the same as these people. We didn’t cause their behavior, we can’t control it, and we certainly will never be able to cure it. It’s OK that we reach out for help.
God support, strengthen, comfort, and keep safe those having the courage to step forward to stop the harm and do the right thing.
I do have so much compassion for the parents of the murderers, as much as I have for the parents and families of the girls they senselessly killed. ALL of the families involved are DESTROYED.
There will not be comforting people come to the families of the killers, bringing casserole dishes and planning a memorial service for the “death” of their children. Instead, they will hide behind locked doors with the media on their door step. There will be news stories of their “monster” sons and candle lit memorials of the victims, but no candle light consolation for the parents of the killers.
People will blame them for “not raising them right” but I have a feeling that these mothers did the best they could, and that they acted honorably. God bless the families of all concerned.
OxD,
Do they do any background research on murderers? I heard one of the fathers of the boys (not sure which story) has an extensive criminal record.
I believe it is time they research that. With all the money our government is throwing at educating the pedophile and abuser while touting rehabilitation of the criminal mind, I would think we should be talking to their families and get timelines of those that kill and those who are repeat offenders of anything. Have they been involved in a “high conflict” custody battel where a parent loses all right to raise the child how they believe is best? Has the child shown signs since birth or are there family members diagnosed with psychopathy? I say all of this as the psycho father of my child “self reported” to the psychiatrist or whoever he saw in prison and psycho is pathological. I did not see any records showing any of his past history except the sentencing report done by a probation investigator who said “he has become more predatory in his crimes and doesn’t feel he should be on the streets”. ….. With that, I knew they looked at his criminal history but in his booklet of certificates he got in prison, nothing looked like an evaluation of how he came to be where he was………..
I am just wondering if anyone came to you for information about your son?
OxD, thank you for posting this article. You have posted about your personal experiences with regard to the reaction of the community, and I cannot even imagine the horror and pain that you suffered.
I have compassion for the mothers of these boys, as well – they certainly didn’t raise these boys up to take lives and they stepped up and made the difficult call. Nobody wants to acknowledge that their offspring is dangerous or a criminal. Even when people know, beforehand, that their child is a danger, NOBODY LISTENS!!!
What a sad, sad mess……..
Brightest blessings
As a complete aside, are there any support groups or support of some sort for parents whose children have murdered?
Just curious.
Truthspeak,
I have honestly thought about forming a support group for parents of criminals, but unfortunately, the “system” encourages families to visit their psychopaths and maintain contact and take the kiddies to prison to visit daddy/mommy no matter what they have done.
I too visited and supported, and sent money and my egg donor hired an attorney to try to get him out on parole…and is still sending him money.
The “system” wants families to “support” the inmates because statistically inmates who have family support and a place to go don’t get into as much trouble as those who don’t, but even still only 40% of ALL inmates finish their parole without doing another felony. DUH!!!
The AVERAGE PCL-R score of all inmates is 22….now that means that half of them are below 22 and half above. It takes 30 to be considered a “psychopath” but “normal” is 4 or 5 as a score so at least 50% of the inmates (60% if you consider that 60% FAIL parole and do another felony) are going to stay or return to crime. So the 40% who finish up their parole may be the ones on the low end of the PCL-R scores but I don’t know if anyone has researched that end of it.
The religious group that Patrick is involved with has a recidivism rate of 10% but I think it is because they pick off the “cream of the crop” of the inmates who would do okay anyway. Patrick joined because he knows it “looks good” on his “resume” in prison and he gets the perks of going to “religious” services etc.
One of the ministers in this group was a correspondent of mine for 8 years but he has turned his back on me now because I am so NEGATIVE. LOL Also, he wrote me that he thinks because he spiritually supported me and corresponded with me that he and his family are in danger from Patrick. Patrick does NOT know he corresponded with me so there is NO way he is in danger from Patrick. So not sure what the deal is but he no longer returns my e mails now. But I AM grateful for the support he was back in the Summer of Chaos when I was living in hiding in the RV with son D.
Those people who keep the “faith” that “God can change anyone” and yet refuse to believe that there are some people that don’t want God to change them. What is the saying “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
While I DO have faith that if we allow it, God can touch our hearts, but if we A) don’t believe in God and B) have no conscience God is not going to reach down and Zap a conscience into someone no matter how much someone preaches to them. Or shows them “unconditional love.”
Look at how many “ministers’ and “priests” have abused children and other members of their congregations —wolves in sheep’s clothing. Jesus said the Church would be full of them and to EXPECT that. So you know what, He was RIGHT!
Jerry Sandusky is a perfect example of someone pretending to be “good” and “do good” who used that as a CLOAK for his evil.
Look how Paterno and the others KNEW what was going on and kept secret the problem. Look how many of the churches knew and did nothing. Ditto in other groups as well.
I hope that is changing now and will continue to change but I doubt it.
For so long babies were thought to be born “blank slates” and parents were blamed for the kids turning out bad. My family DNA is RIDDLED on both sides with psychopaths…and my son’s family on his father’s side is as well. Yet, it is only NOW that there is the slightest idea that DNA may have some effects on “how a kids turns out” but sometimes a kid from 2 bad parents turns out okay, and sometimes a kid from 2 good parents turns out to be a monster.
I don’t know what the DNA on those 3 boys was/is but I know their mothers made a hard decision to turn in their kids for MURDER. I turned mine in for THEFT. And supported him even after I knew for sure he had killed….but I finally SAW THE LIGHT when he bragged about “how much worse my crime was than even the cops knew” and believe me the cops knew a pretty awful story. When I first actually READ the police report 3 years ago or so my heart almost stopped. So I can’t imagine what COULD have been worse.
Those parents of the children who were killed are grieving and have the support of their community and the law enforcement.
The parents of the kids who are killers have NO support from the community, or law enforcement. .I wish there were a group for the support of the parents of criminals. But I’ve not had any luck in finding anyone interested in joining—all the ones I know that have criminal offspring are still SUPPORTING the belief that “Johnny is gonna change, I can’t give up on him, he’s my sooooon”
Maybe if I knew how to set up a blog I could get one going, who knows. I know there are a lot of blogs for support of families of criminals and that ADVISE them HOW TO SUPPORT AND GET THEM HOME TO THEIR FAMILIES. Lots of books on how to wait out a 10, 20 year or longer sentence for your hubby. (head shaking here)
OxD,
I was thinking the same thing. I know you contacted parents of murdered children and that sounded like a great resource for you and hopefully your position could help those parents out also. Maybe they could help set something up???
There are the two mothers you wrote about plus the Jerrod Laughnor (sp?) who shot up Gabby Gifford and her supporters at the grocery store in Tucson, AZ and the family of that kid who did the movie theater massacre in CO. Unfortunately this is a very needed support group as I have heard about those parents in hiding.
You would be an excellent person to start that or at least be a speaker for someone who began a support group for those families. Really Lovefraud is good a resource but you really have a handle on how the community shuns you and can speak first hand on the isolation of the parent.