By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Sometimes I have felt like I was totally alone in having a son (child) who was capable of horrible things. Sometimes I have felt like I was alone in turning my son in to police for the crimes he committed. Though the crime I turned my son in for was for theft, I still felt alone in doing so, and was criticized by people, even family members, for doing it.
However, two recent stories have ripped my heart out. I had been following the case of the missing 12 year old New Jersey girl, but the alleged murderers were caught and charged. Their mother turned them in to police. Here is the most recent news:
Teens accused of killing Clayton 12-year-old Autumn Pasquale showed two sides to town residents, on PressOfAtanticCity.com.
And then there’s the awful case from Colorado of the missing girl whose body was found dismembered:
Jessica Ridgeway murder suspect confessed to mother, sources say, on ABCNews.Go.com.
Even I can’t even imagine just what courage it took for those mothers to contact police to tell them they thought their sons were the guilty parties in such horrible crimes.
My son accused of murder
When the Sgt. Joe Decorte contacted me to tell me that my son Patrick was arrested for murdering Jessica Witt, age 17 in January 1992, I went immediately into denial. It could not be true! I locked myself in my house for three months, seeing no one except the family that lived with me and my mother and my step-father, taking no telephone calls and refusing to believe what Sgt. Decorte had told me, yet knowing it was probably true. I wished I could change places and have my son dead and the girl in jail for his murder.
Of course Patrick, when he would call me collect from the jail where he was being held, denied he had anything to do with the crime ”¦ later I found out, when I finally read the police report nearly 20 years later, that he actually gave a statement and admitted to the police that he had killed her. Even after his trial, when his attorney told me what the “evidence” against him presented at the trial was (he couldn’t tell me what Patrick had told him in confidence was), I still didn’t want to believe.
Would I, on the basis of a Facebook page, have called police? I wish I could say yes, but I’m not sure what I would have done. I do know that when I saw evidence with my own eyes that my son had stolen, I turned him in, also knowing that as a juvenile, he would only have gotten a sealed record and a “slap on the wrist” that I hoped would “scare him straight.”
Compassion
While I feel great sorrow for the parents of the murdered girls, I also feel great compassion for the mothers of the boys who allegedly committed these crimes. I feel great compassion that they were put in such situations that they were required by their own moral compasses to pick up the phone and call the police and turn in their own sons for possibly being the killers of these young girls.
No matter how “bad” our situation is, there are always those that are equally as bad, or worse. There are always others who are suffering as we suffered because of “man’s inhumanity to man,” and because of the acts of horror committed by those we love or to those we love.
Each act of evil committed by any person (psychopath or not) not only affects the actual victim, but those who loved the victim, and also by those who loved the abuser.
Right now there are approximately two million people in prison and five million on parole or probation for crimes of various levels. Statistics and research show that a high percentage of people in prison are psychopaths, or at least very high on the psychopath check list-revised. Each of those criminals has victims, and the victims have families, but the criminals also have families who are saddened or destroyed by the crimes of those they love. The waves of pain radiate out like ripples from a pebble thrown into a pond.
We are not alone in being the victims of evil people, and we are not alone if we are among those who love(d) those evil abusers.
OxD, even when I didn’t want to believe that my eldest son was permanently disturbed, there was always that part of my mind that was begging with me to just accept the truths. I didn’t “like” the truths, but it would have been an even more painful experience, if that makes any sense.
I have no idea what it feels like to experience the loss of a child, under any circumstances. But, I know what it feels like to know that the extraordinarily beautiful child that I brought into the world had developed into a monster. And, although denial was tempting and alluring, I sort of knew that pretending that there were other explanations for his actions would not be of any benefit.
OxD, I think that it would be a long-overdue benefit to the parents and family members of criminals to experience support, in some way. The woman whose husband murdered the Amish children, in cold blood, and then shot himself – I can’t imagine what she has to awaken to, every morning. We NEVER hear about the OTHER lives that were destroyed. And, those people need help. They need help in a BIG way. They need to know that they’re not responsible for the actions of their loved one.
Perhaps, OxD, among other things, this might be what your experiences were intended to lead you to? I dunno. I just know that this is something that is desperately needed.
Brightest blessings
The shunning hurts so bad. I have experienced that when going through a divorce, by people who judged me for getting a divorce, or by people who don’t know what to say to me, so they just stay away, or people who maybe think my divorce will be contagious to THEM so they stay away to keep themselves safe.
It happens to cancer patients, too.
People going through something, no matter what that something is (cancer, miscarriage, death of a loved one, divorce, having a family member charged with murder), it is SO helpful to have people stay by you to be witnesses to your pain.
I think maybe it is hard to be a good witness, if you don’t know how. A lot of people want to fix things or hurry it along or try to figure out whose fault it is. None of those things is helpful.
The whole experience is an unfolding process. The person who is going through it is processing it…. the witness’s role is compassionate and validating observer and comforter. To provide a safe place for the unfolding of the experiencer’s processing. Without meddling, interfering, trying to fix, trying to judge. It is important for the experiencer to know that she/he is allowed to feel whatever they happen to feel, and that it is OK to let the process happen as it will. It is a way of knowing that you are fine, nothing wrong with you, you are connected to others, you are connected to your source. The love of God can flow through these gifted, compassionate witnesses. On the other hand, blocking the process by shunning a person, or by interfering…. is not of God.
I am quite sure that this is one of the lessons I have needed to learn. My experience being shunned has been helpful to me. And of course, I’m still learning. 🙂
I had a waking vision which I may have shared here before, which helped a great deal: in this vision, although I am 50 now, I was 28 years old. I was surrounded by 3 beings in female form, who were genderless but just appeared female for my comfort, because I was naked. They had wrapped me in a soft, light bluish green blanket, to protect me from the gaze of people who did not have my best interest at heart. They were brushing my hair, which was long, lustrous, thick and reddish brown. I was a bit uncomfortable with their attention because I am used to being the nurturing one. They shushed me and said that now it was my turn to be taken care of. They told me that I was a beautiful and perfect spirit, and that maybe I had forgotten that. They said that I absolutely glowed and shined and had a bright light, but that it is not for EVERYONE to see (hence the blanket). But mostly they just brushed my hair and allowed me to have a safe place to process my painful feelings without having to stuff them or be judged for them or told to hurry up and get over them.
See what I mean?
20 years,
that is such a nice vision. I’m glad you are able to soothe and comfort yourself that way. That is something I’m still trying to learn, myself. I know that visualizations are so powerful, they can affect your physiology and your health.
Thanks, Skylar. In this case, this vision “came to me” or was “given to me.” I cannot say from where (from God? from spiritual guides? from “higher self?” from the creative/emotional part of my mind — the place where inspiration comes from?).
I do also try to “visualize” but I am not so good at that. This was different, like a waking dream — I had no awareness of creating it; it played across my awareness for a minute, and then it was over (but stayed with me).
These experiences do not happen OFTEN to me, so when they do, I take them as profound gifts. And try to figure out what they mean, if I can.
20years,
I had an awake dream or account or whatever it was after my great grandmother died. I had not experienced anything like this. It was very loving. I was given a message to not fear death. My body was just the vehicle or vessle in which my spirit and soul was in for this lifetime and it would be discarded at the end. I was heading into a purifying or purification process. Not to fear it. It was like a knowing and peace came over me. I didn’t share this wit anyone for over 3 years as I didn’t think anyone would understand. It was as if I was being told we all go through it and we all are here for lessons to purify. ??
Prior to that I could never understand how people would talk about death if they would be cremated or buried. It was a very uncomfortable conversation and suddenly it didn’t matter what happened to my body when I died.
Yours sounds very nurturing and it’s great you were able to see yourself worthy of that. You must’ve needed that validation or something after all you have gone through.
I wish we could have these as needed and maybe that’s what people who are good at meditating experience. I know mine was very impacting and like a knowing without doubt……..I have had others but that one changed something and I was just sitting on my couch doing something as usual. Very odd.
Eralyn, That is a nice message you got in your waking dream. Did you figure out what your purification process was to be?
I ask that because I often feel like what I’ve gone through has been that sort of a process, kind of like fire burning off the things that don’t matter, the distractions, and leaving behind the good stuff…. or being raw material that is then formed into something solid and gleaming and impervious.
20years,
I just wrote a big post about what happened to us. How long have you been on solid ground with your case? I just found out at the end of August the judge filed psychos last request as if ignoring him! I am just coming out of the fog. I literally saw myself letting go of a steering wheel and setting it down vvveeerrrrrrryyyyyy slowly and cautiously.
That particular life message was probably in 1993-1994. I have had several occasions where I felt this was a process but I had no idea my lessons would be this harsh.
I asked a friend originally if she’d ever heard of the whole process I was now aware of and she said it was a specific religious belief. I am spiritual and don’t believe in organized religion. I do believe in God. I believe we have experiences in life which lead to a purification of the soul and when we have mastered the lessons our soul is complete and at it’s purist state. I believe it takes many lives. It answered for me the very question of how or why a child may be harmed and I believe spiritually we have all been there at some point learning. It’s horrible but a process which no one person has it worse than another at any point in the process. I also believe I am an old soul. At age 5ish I had a knowing (that’s what I call it) that I had wisdom at that age that some people would not have if they lived to be 85 years old and then died. I didn’t even understand this. I just knew the message. As I got older I heard things that made me understand what it all meant.
I rarely tell people about this…. I have heard from religious people this type of believing goes against the bible which concerns me sometimes but I can’t change these feelings as they weren’t taught to me. It just is for me………
20years,
Only recently I have allowed myself to entertain I was “supposed” to go through this. It was horrifying and abuse to the soul. I couldn’t believe “it needed to be” but lately I am feeling I cannot deny it’s necessity. It had to happen. UGH!
Eralyn and 20years,
your stories are freaking me out. I’m SOOOOO glad I didn’t have kids with the spath. Now I know why so many women choose artificial insemination and single motherhood. It’s so much safer!
I’m so sorry for what you’ve both had to go through.
20years, hair falling out may be a symptom of low thyroid. Have you gone to a thyroid specialist to get tested? Stress can bring about low thyroid.
As bad as things have been for us, it does seem as though we were tested and passed and it has made us into stronger, wiser women.
Skylar,
It’s so validating to know other moms who have been terrorized like this. It has been called by professionals who frown upon this abuse of their profession “emotional terrorism”. It is.
My neighbor never had children and she’s been my neighbor prior to my pregnancy. She said I should’ve been given a medal for my “single parenting”. She watched in disbelief as we were taken down this road. Everyone prayed for us as they felt helpless. I told her to NEVER feel bad about not being a mother as you never know what it may bring to your life that you would be forced to endure these days. She agrees. I believe it has actually lifted a burden from her.
My hair on the crown of my head turned completely gray in chunks in a 3 month period…….