The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us, by Martha Stout, Ph.D., will be the topic of discussion at a New York City Barnes & Noble Book Store on April 22, 2010, at 7 p.m.
The event is sponsored by the Non-Fiction Reading Club at the Barnes & Noble at 86th and Lexington Avenue. All are welcome.
Event announcement provided by a Lovefraud reader.
This is just a thought, as to why N/S/P/A’s might NOT be cruel (or sadistic) to animals, but WILL be cruel or sadistic to people.
I think when they are cruel (or sadistic) it gives them a POWER RUSH . . a feeling of DOMINENCE which makes them feel good.
I think they might not seek this feeling from animals because it’s just no challenge . . it is just to easy . . so they don’t get the same feeling or RUSH i.e., feeling CONTROL, POWER OR DOMINENCE.
Dominating another person, and seeing the effect, (and then reeling them back in with charm) is a real challenge . . so they get more of a RUSH. Anyway . . it’s just a thought!
Sarah999 I’m not sure. I always felt that the exP had an affinity with animals. This really lulled me. It was uncanny the way animals responded to him. I love animals and they never responded the way they did with him.
With me it was scary. Charm abuse charm abuse etc so fast I felt I was in a wheel. I couldn’t respond appropriately. there was no time. I think I was an experiment. Multiple personalities. God–what did I witness. xxx
Littlewhitehorse, They take an otherwise strong individual and find one weak point, no matter what it is….a chimk in the armour, like a disfunctional childhood, and use it to their advantage….they DO drive us crazy!
It is a known fact that many have driven the one they loved to suicide…..so, please, give yourself a break, and learn all you can. Devour the literature here and elsewhere, continue to seek support and validation. This is a very strong resource for you, and if you reach out you will find freinds, and others who have been there. You won’t feel so alone or feel like you are the crazy one. Honest. Keep coming back.
Did I say, “the one’s they love?” Sorry. Meant the one’s who loved them.
DEar Littlewhitehorse,
The term is dissociative, rather than dis-associative, and yes, it is something that some of us (me too) are more or less prone to be or do when we face a LIFE THREATENING event(s) I remember the first time I was aware of doing it was I was in a car, driving, and I saw that I was going to have an accident, there was NO way to SURVIVE and no way to avoid. and I was SO CALM, and I was preg and I thought to myself “I am so sorry the baby will die with me.” and wasn’t afraid at all, but just accepted that I wasx going to die in just a minute or so. Then, I just turned off, like reaching up and unplugging a television, the “screen went dark.” I woke up several minutes later, after the crash, after being thrown in to the back seat (no seat belts in those days) and the car being upside down after having turned over 3-4 times sideways. I of course did not know what had happened, but I always remembered those CALM seconds before the crash when I realized I was, not if, but WAS GOING TO DIE. It was odd though that it actually made me LESS afraid of death than I thought was normal, but from that time on I was not really “afraid” of seeing that I was going to die when I couldn’t prevent it.
Other times when I thought I was in danger, I would dissociate to a lesser extent than that day, but still I know now that is what I was doing. I am also a very easy hypnotic person, and can hypnotise myself or be hypnotised by others. Which is a form of dissociation as well.
I think dissociation is a stress response and I have seen animals do the same thing when they were attacked by a predator and were not yet dead, but they “freeze” and don’t seem to have any response to what is going on to them, or any distress from being eaten. (Years ago I did wild life photography and observed a great many prey animals as they were being killed). Dr. Temple Grandlin who designed animal control facilities for cattle (which are prey animals) to calm them by “squeezing” them where they are unable to move works on this principle as well.
Intense fear and stress can make us “psychotic” (out of touch with reality) or “crazy” to one extent or another, and the emotional abuse we suffer from these people is just as “bad” for us as the physical abuse and fear of our lives.
I have myself been as “crazy as an out-house rat” though not diagnosed as such by my psychiatrist, but totally not logical or more than minimally functional. So I understand to some extent what you may have been through. You are having a NORMAL RESPONSE to an ABNORMAL situation, which is “crazy” but YOU are not “crazy” you are INJURED.
I raise cattle and once I had a cow who had an injured eye, she actually had a piece of fox tail in it, we took her to the vet who put her in a squeeze chute and gave an injection into the area around the eye (VERY PAINFUL) and then sewed the lid shut with a big piece of string. The formerly gentle cow was from that time on RABID that she would no loner be herded into a confined space and she woujld try to KILL YOU if you tried to do so. Where she had gone willingly with the herd before into the chutes for vaccinations and worming, she would no longer allow this, she “went nuts” and became dangerous. She was REACTING normally to a PAINFUL THING DONE TO HER. So from then on I never again vaccinated her or wormed her or anything else and she did find for another 5-6 years. When she did become ill and weak, I was able to take her to the vet but she was not able to recover and died.
I think maybe our reactions are like that cow’s we were HURT SO BADLY that we can’t function if we even think that we might be hurt like that again. I probably could have worked it out with the cow with some gentle handling and so on, but I had 50 head at the time and it just wasn’t worth it to mess with on an economic basis so I just left her on her own and she did okay. With ourselves we owe more to ourselves than I did to that cow. We owe it to ourselves to figure out what hurt us, and how we can avoid that kind of hurt in the future.. The cow blamed the chute and being herded into it, though the chute was not actually what hurt her, but the medical treatment. We have to figure out what hurt us (a psychopath) and how to recognize and avoid being hurt by that same thing again.
We have to be kind and gentle to ourselves and stay out of situations that remind us of the pain until we have had time to recover. It takes a good deal of time too, as well as therapy and maybe medication, as the trauma and stress do have a physical as well as emotional effect on our brains and bodies.
I am so glad that you are here, this is a wonderful healing place. HAVE CONFIDENCE YOU WILL GET BETTER, because that becomes a self fullfilling prophechy. If we think we CAN then we CAN, if we think we can’t then we can’t!@....... ((((Hugs))) and God bless.
Dear Kim. I have been reading for a while and I have no intentions of ever taking him back and I do realise that THIS is the on sane resourse I have found. But my mind is confused still. Trauma.
He bragged about hitting me with a car. So in the spirit–I was in a car smash with a sociopath. One minute happy driving along-next minute hell.
He filled my head full of crap–my own stuff was pushed aside. Mind rape.
Why go to the bother Kim. I can’t understand. For what purpose. He did want me to commit suicide. Why if they loved us. I just don’t see the point of that. What would they gain. They don’t really want the children. So why?xxx
Oxdrover. Thanks for your understanding. It is the fear of someone I loved and lived with for 22 years. Felt comfortable with. If I didn’t know him–what and who do I know. Terrifying.xxx
Dear Littlewhitehorse,
Why? What did they GET out of what they did? POWER TO DO EVIL. I know that sounds maybe somewhat meladramatic but that is the bottom line on all of them. Even if they are after money it is still the ability to con the money or steal the money, or get the sex, or admiration, but the bottom basic line is POWER TO DO EVIL and no one can stop them.
Just like Satan went to the garden of Eden and conned Eve into eating the forbidden fruit so she would get tossed out, Satan did GET anything out of it, except to see HER SUFFER. But for evil people, and if you believe in God you must also believe in EVIL, they enjoy doing evil, they enjoy hurting others, controlling others.
It wasn’t “personal” it wasn’t about YOU as a person, it was about HIM being able to control whoever was there for him to victimize. It could have been anyone, you just happened to be the one he picked. Like eating an apple is not “personal” to THAT apple, it is just the most convenient one you lay your hand on, you don’t have anything against THAT apple, you just eat it for your own pleasure. It could have been ANY apple. The same with the psychopaths. They destroy what is near at hand.
YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS, you can “win” by living! By healing, and there is a purpose in this, and in the end, we start to be better and stronger than ever before! Because adversity strengthens us! You must now learn about yourself, about your strengths and your own ability to keep yourself safe. (((Hugs)))) and my prayers to God for your!
Because they can. That simple. It gives them a huge ego boost to think that they are that powerful. That IS what they live for…the mind f@.......$k. Honest.
If you want revenge, the absolute best thing you can do, is get out from under that shit, and live well.
I’m with Oxy. Stay in therapy,(not because you’re crazy, but because you are injured, it will help you get back your bearings, your own sense of sanity) and don’t give him the time of day, even in your own thought proocesses. He’s the spath. not you.
Littlewhitehorse:
Damn them!
I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE….we, (all of us around the world) are here to lean on…..
You will find much validation and clarity here at LF…..
I am sending you some extra special EB MOJO, pull on it whenever you need!!!
It’s a long arduous journey we walk…..sometimes we need to rest and take a break…..but with each step we take, it brings us closer to our future…..
Please keep your strength and KNOW…..YOU ARE A VALUED HUMAN BEING darlen……
And we are here!!!
XXOO~ wrapped up with mojo…..
EB