A crazy-making, confidence-eroding weapon many sociopaths wield is their skill with words. Below is an edited excerpt from my book that highlights how my ex-husband (“Paul”) manipulated our marital therapist.
”¦The therapist looked at me and said, “Have you ever asked Paul if he’s having an affair?”
“No, I guess not,” I responded.
“Maybe you should.”
“Now?”
“Why not?” the therapist replied.
“Paul,” I said, “are you having an affair with Anne-Marie?”
Turning the Tables
“I am so hurt that you would even think that,” Paul replied, appearing genuinely concerned.
Notice, he did not answer the question. Instead, he used the diversion tactics of trying to elicit pity and putting me on the defensive and implicitly attacking my character for hurting him.
“Paul, I hope you understand why I need to know,” I said.
I’m Not THAT Kind of Person
“You know how honest I am and how much I value my integrity. I’m not that kind of person,” Paul said.
To add support for this, he told the therapist about his many accomplishments and past volunteer work. Once again, while Paul appeared to address my concern, he had actually released a smokescreen of evasion, misleading by providing evidence of his character, as if a person who “does good” in one setting cannot be a lying, scheming, cheater in another. Trust me, they can.
“Paul,” I said, “I need to know.”
I’m The Problem; Not Paul
“I can’t believe you think that I’m cheating on you,” Paul said, appearing convincingly hurt by the accusation. “Anne-Marie and I are working ”˜round the clock to make this company a success, to give our employees paychecks, to give the kids and us the life we want. It’s that simple. It’s your obsession with her and your jealousy of her that have me worried.”
Again, Paul had not addressed the question. Instead, he tried to elicit pity, to put me on the defensive by suggesting that my question demonstrated I did not appreciate him and that I am inappropriately paranoid about his behavior. Yet, in truth, my question remained unanswered.
What Does “Sleeping With” Really Mean Anyway?
“Paul, are you sleeping with Anne-Marie or not?”
With the most humble, honest, “great guy,” hurt look in his arsenal, Paul turned to the therapist and then to me. “No, I’m not sleeping with Anne-Marie.”
By trying to ask a highly specific question to counteract all the times Paul responded to my questions without actually answering them, I fell into another of Paul’s traps. Clearly, I wanted to know whether Paul was currently or ever involved in a sexual relationship with Anne-Marie. By Paul not really answering my questions, I asked a more specific question, but I did not ask the “perfect” question. This enabled Paul to answer in a way that misled and misrepresented without actually lying, in his own mind, anyway—one of his favorite techniques and one at which he excelled. In retrospect, I know this was almost a game to him, to see if he could lie by telling selective truths and by the thinnest definitions of what words really meant.
His logic likely went something like this”¦Is he sleeping with Anne-Marie? Of course not, because that would imply it was happening right now, and right now, Paul was in a therapy session with me. Also, it was possible that they actually never fell asleep together but just had sex, so Paul could argue that his interpretation of the phrase “sleeping with” could “honestly” have been different than the intended meaning in my sentence (i.e., having sex). If he could argue, even in his own mind, that he understood my question to be asking if he and Anne-Marie were asleep somewhere together at that very moment, then his answer was not a lie. “Honest” Paul had prevailed again.
A Kernel Of Truth And A Side Of Word Salad—Our Therapist Buys What’s On The Menu
Words and language are not universal constants. They mean different things to different people, and meaning depends on context. As a result, sociopaths orchestrate words to obfuscate through selective “truth telling.” This also gives them “plausible deniability” so that, if caught in a lie, they can argue that they really misunderstood, that you misunderstood, the communication was unclear, etc. They have years of practice honing the skill of telling undetectable lies and diverting, deflating, and discrediting those who glimpse the truth.
By offering a totally different representation of our relationship, Paul twisted our therapist into viewing him as the doting, caring husband whose kindness and compassion were evident in the fact that he still loved and was concerned about helping his depressed, anxious wife. No matter what example I used to explain my sense of being minimized and dismissed, calm, collected, manipulative Paul always had a different twist.
Paul was able to tell his version with complete conviction, devoid of tension or agitation. Meanwhile, my version was laced with hurt and sadness and occasional tears I no longer had the strength to contain. This only made Paul look like a rock and made me seem like shifting sand. In addition, I appeared the shrew for battering poor, kind, sweet, caring, honest Paul. After all, didn’t it seem that he answered my question the first time?
Even If I Said That, How Could You Think I Really Meant It? Really”¦How?
When all else failed, I used the example of Paul insisting that we purchase a house I hated as indicative of how off kilter our relationship and ability to communicate had become. Paul twisted even that to his advantage.
“Yes, I’d wanted to buy that house,” Paul said, “and yes, I knew Onna had reservations, but I never knew her reservations were so serious. I just thought they were part of a healthy discussion, and we had to weigh the pros and cons.”
“But Paul,” I said, “I told you I hated the house, and I gave you all my reasons for feeling that way. You said you were going to get it without me, leaving me and the kids if necessary.”
With the most caring, compassionate look, Paul leaned forward and touched me gently. His eyes connected with our therapist’s and then switched soulfully back to me. “Onna, I was just joking if I ever said anything like that. How could you think I was serious? I’d never do that. I can’t believe we bought a house that you didn’t like. Don’t you remember I was worried so much about this and your happiness that I told you that we didn’t have to buy this house if you didn’t want to? You remember that, don’t you, honey?”
Paul Was Too Good
Like so many sociopaths, Paul’s misrepresentation was built on a kernel of truth. He had actually uttered the words “We don’t have to buy this house.” But, he’d likely done it only to create ”˜plausible deniability,’ and he’d done it when getting out of the contract with the builder would have been a legal and financial nightmare. His story was simple, my explanation complicated. He seemed steady and caring. I seemed unnerved and in denial. Paul’s version prevailed. Our therapist never questioned Paul’s steady, clear, confident version of events.
And so the charade continued”¦
Notes
My own cautionary tale of unwittingly investing almost twenty years of my life into a relationship with a sociopath and sometimes diverting from the best path, is chronicled in my book Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned (available via Amazon.com, just click on title above). As I don’t get a “do over,” hopefully some of my painful lessons can help others impacted by these toxic people.
Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.
It’s like the authorities are all assisting my sociopathic ex in the fraud
Hope Springs
Mind f***ing is what I call it.
It is a game for my SP son, I swear.
He enjoys lying, lies constantly. He does not know what TRUTH even means.
Hope Springs
Discrediting those who glimpse the truth…
WONDERFUL way to explain what they do!
becomingstrong
Great post. Yes asking the ‘right’ question is the game they play. You know that even if you had asked the ‘right’ question you still would not have gotten the truth. He just would have pulled something else out of a hat, i.e.: blame shifting, flat lie, rage…. I’ve seen my spath on the stand with a lawyer asking the ‘right’ questions and what we see is nothing but chaos and rage and maybe two answers out of the 50 or so asked. Complete waste of time.
I remember my spath asking me when when he knew I was on my way out, “you think I had an affair don’t you, there was no affair.” I responded, “If cheating on me was your only transgression I probably could have forgiven it. I don’t really care if you had an ‘affair’ at this point or not. And by the way, I don’t think you had an ‘affair’. An affair takes a level of commitment, you have to wine and dine the woman. I think you are a broom closet kinda guy.”
Hope Springs
Lolololol…
becomingstrong
😀
Diane111
What a great comeback, becomingstrong! LOL
NoMoreWool
This sounds like a perfect depiction of my ex. If there is a transcript of our court sessions during the divorce, it would read like a Who’s on First comedy.
becomingstrong
No more wool,
I have requested the transcripts of some of the hearings. Putting on the stand serves only two purposes: 1. Showing the court his raging and 2. What a liar he is. But showing the court his antics takes abt 15 min. Anymore time allotted to the spath just takes away from valuable court time. What a three ring circus they turn everything into.
I think my spath is getting nervous that I’m abt to leave the house and town for good. He paid the property taxes after I sent an email telling him I would be vacating the house “soon”( word salad works both ways).
NoMoreWool
It was truly amusing when both of his attorneys dropped him and he represented himself. He would ask me all of these long, rambling, convoluted questions to which I would simply answer either “yes” or “no.” The answer was made simpler by the fact that he generally prefaced his word salad questions with “Is it true that….” or “Are you saying that…” The antics that followed my “yes” or “no” were bordering on unbelievable.
becomingstrong
No more wool, you court hearings must have been nothing but chaos. How did you stand getting nothing accomplished? How many years did your divorce take?
slimone
And I love how they pull this s*** out of the hat when they have an audience. Appearing to be something they definitely are note.
Privately they can be quite direct, and not bother masking their game. Or at least very thinly veiled.
House of Cards is nailing it on this kind of communication. Both the main characters speak ‘lie’.
AnnettePK
My ex psychopath used to shout at me, “I’m not doing it now!” when I tried to bring up an issue.
becomingstrong
Yep, Annette, classic.
Diane111
This was another great article, O.N.Ward. As a read it, I felt the frustration and turmoil you must have felt. They make you want to scream and pull your hair out. And then, yes, you’re the crazy one. I am so looking forward to the day this mind-craziness is all behind me.
becomingstrong
Thank you Diane, it only took me 15 years to figure out that I needed to listen/read his communications very carefully. I only feel into his trap thousands of times hearing what I wanted to hear, what normal people think they are hearing.
becomingstrong
Just for fun here is synopsis of my most recent email communications with my spath (this morning) on the heels of a huge hearing next week in which the court address his arrearages owed to me and contempt for night turning in discovery.
Email 1 from Spath: today I deposited money into the account. I paid you for January and February.
Me: For what purpose/month is the money you deposited today?
Email 2 from Spath: It is the monthly support.
Me : For which month does the money you deposited today apply? Is that money you deposited for the arrearages you owe me for December and January?
Email 3 from Spath: I don’t owe you any arrearages. I paid you for January and February.
Me: You owe me “‘xyz” in arrearages. You haven’t answered a very simple question which month is the money you deposited for? It has taken numerous emails to get you to answer a simple question.
Email 4 from Spath: The money is for January and February. (editor’s note: he supposedly paid January and February in January and February-shorted me for the month of January).
Me: The money you deposited is for arrearages then?
Email 5 from Spath: Like I said the deposit is for January and February.
You see this word salad game. He wants to go into court and tell the court he isn’t in arrearages and then take the money he paid today and apply it to April’s support or some future month. It’s just a game and nailing him down is a colossal waste of resources.
AnnettePK
So familiar. You are right it’s a game to him, and there’s no way to ‘win’ except by not playing as much as possible. He wants to engage you in playing against your will. That’s a big win for him.
I eventually figured out it was pointless to reason with my ex Psychopath. (If he were rational, we’d be happily married) I eventually quit trying. You might consider just telling him how his payment is credited and ignore any further word salad he tosses at you. For example, You: “I received the money you deposited. It reduces what you owe on arrears to $xxx. Please deposit $xxx for January and February; and $xxx that you still owe in arrears for xxxx months. The total you still owe me is $xxx.”
The spath is likely to reply with some argument to hook you in; if you ignore it and don’t reply (per greyrock http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/) there’s a better chance he’ll give up arguing with you as much. Spaths will never take any responsibility for their share of reality.
When he says whatever BS you know he’s going to say in court, you repeat what you told him about what he owes to the court.
becomingstrong
Annette,
You give really sound advice. Any future emails will require him/it to set ‘his’ record straight/lie not me. I’ll use your advice in the future. You are right he lives to engage me. Can’t wait to be done with him/it.
Hope Springs
Yes, they live to engage us and keep us on the merry-go-round.
They live for it!!
Hope Springs
Wow…
This boggles the mind. It is so true about SPs…they simply cannot answer a question squarely.
Always frustration!!
slimone
Yep…the guy I knew used to say, with a big comic grin on his face, “What, do you think this is some kinda game?”, and then he would laugh, like it was just the funniest joke. At the time I didn’t realize he was TELLING me it was a game.
sheesh
slimone
But also to give the false impression that it WASN’T a game, and that I should take him seriously.
Trinny
Choosing words carefully was a lesson I learned the hard way. Once I began to direct my questions my X became cornered. Then more determined to win. The day I discovered his affair, I let him shoot his lying mouth off. For 1/2 hr. Interesting exercise in exposing the true nature of the beast. The best came through the divorce property settlement. When my solicitor was told to be persise with the documentation. The solicitor ignored me and my X made a complete fool out of my solicitor. My X was right as the wording had huge holes. So my snakey X just slithered through. Don’t under estimate these people. They pride themselves in their genius scheming.