Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Eleanor.”
Thank you for your wonderful site Lovefraud! It has helped me tremendously. I am still with my sociopath husband, but am quietly and surely planning on leaving. We have a few children so it really makes it more complicated.
He has now gone up to the next stage in what I’ve read sociopaths love to do. I’m so thankful that I read about it before he did it and know how to react and what to expect! He’s started to call up my family, giving them a sob story about how broken he is and how I won’t get any help (we’ve gone through a few counselors, with no obvious results as they’ve all been taken in by his acting abilities).
Now my question to you is, knowing he’s doing this, how can I have my close family not be influenced by him or believe him? To know it’s useless to fight him that’s a given (except in court, I will do whatever I can so that he doesn’t get custody of the children). But what can I say to my family to let them not take sides, realize he’s lying to them, and have them not believe him? I tried to tell them this but his authentic depressed behavior got to them more. I don’t want to be left alone without any support and want to catch this in the bud.
After I read your wonderful site I realize he’s been doing this for years. He’ll see I’m talking to a specific friend too much, and suddenly she’ll stop calling. I tried hard to think if I did anything to offend her, and I didn’t. Before I just had vague suspicions, but now I see clearly that he probably called her or her husband and spread lies that I told about her (I have only said good things about her, so there’s nothing truthful that he could say that would be bad). This has happened with past counselors also. One I finally had the courage to call and told her what he said that she said, and she was very upset and said she never said that about me and she’ll clear it up.
People don’t know
The problem Eleanor faces is that people in general do not know that sociopaths exist. They do not know what sociopathic behavior looks like. So because people do not understand that there are people who intentionally feign distress and unhappiness, casting themselves as the victim, they do not realize that what they are witnessing is nothing but an act, and they are being conned by a sociopath.
Eleanor needs to educate her family about sociopaths, but she needs to do it carefully. If she rants and raves that they should not to believe her husband because he is a sociopath, they will probably look at her like she is nuts. In fact, her husband may already be telling them that he’s very concerned about Eleanor, because she’s becoming mentally unglued. The family may begin to think that the husband is right, and Eleanor does, in fact, have mental issues.
Why would they think this? Because they probably believe that sociopaths are all deranged serial killers. If Eleanor’s husband hasn’t killed anyone, or if he isn’t violent, then she must be nuts.
Silence of the Lambs
A few days ago I watched The Silence of the Lambs. This is, of course, the movie that features Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter, the cannibalistic psychopath.
Even though the movie came out in 1991, I’d never seen it. I don’t like horror movies or scary movies, so I never wanted to. But since we spend so much time talking about how people don’t understand what a psychopath really is, I figured I needed to see the movie that created so much misinformation, so I ordered it from Netflix. I was so apprehensive that I actually had nightmares several days before watching the film.
Two things struck me about Silence of the Lambs. First, Jodie Foster was really young in the movie. Second, no wonder people think psychopaths are all brilliant, cold-blooded serial killers.
The movie won five Academy Awards, including Best Actor and Best Actress for Hopkins and Foster, along with Best Picture, Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay. The American Film Institute named Hannibal Lecter, as portrayed by Hopkins, as the number one film villain of all time.
In the beginning of the movie, the medical director of the prison where Lecter is kept says, “Oh, he’s a monster. A pure psychopath. So rare to capture one alive.” And Lecter does display psychopathic behavior. But his behavior is so off the charts that I don’t know if there are any real-life cases as bad as he is.
Lecter is highly manipulative. The problem, however, is that his manipulation is obvious. His evil is obvious. And, of course, the guy is in prison for crimes so heinous that they put him in a straight jacket, strap him to a gurney and put a full mask on him to prevent him from literally biting someone’s head off.
I can see how the image of a psychopath from The Silence of the Lambs could be seared into someone’s brain. Unfortunately, the cartoon image of Hannibal Lecter may prevent people from identifying the real psychopaths who live among us.
After watching this movie, I feel like my decision to use the term “sociopath” on Lovefraud, instead of “psychopath,” was correct. No matter how many academic papers psychology researchers publish about the behavior of psychopaths, they’ll never be able to overcome the image of Anthony Hopkins ripping a cop’s face open with his teeth.
Red Flags of Love Fraud
Lovefraud’s goal is to educate people about sociopaths and what they’re really like, especially in intimate and family relationships. Towards that end, today I am sending my second book to the printer. It’s called, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. Here’s the description from the back cover:
What everyone who wants a loving relationship needs to know about social predators
Charisma, charm, so much in common and sexy too—is your romantic interest a dream date, or a sociopath? Millions of these social predators live among us, and they don’t look or act like serial killers. Rather, they present themselves as the love you’ve been waiting for all your life. Red Flags of Lovefraud identifies the clues and patterns of behavior that may indicate your partner is actually an exploiter. This book explains why you may be vulnerable, how the predators seduce you, how you become psychologically bonded, and how to break free of the trap.
I asked a former employee, whom I hadn’t spoken with in many years, to proofread the book. It turned out that she, too, married a sociopath. She told me, “If I’d read this book 10 years ago, it would have changed my life. Literally.”
My hope is that people will read the book, recognize the behaviors and realize that they’re dealing with a sociopath. My bigger hope is that people will read the book, learn the warning signs, and avoid becoming involved with a sociopath in the first place.
Explaining the behavior
But back to Eleanor she’s dealing with a husband who is full manipulation mode, trying to remove her support system by lying to her family and friends. My guess is he’s also running a smear campaign, subtly disparaging Eleanor to make her less credible.
First of all, I am really glad that Eleanor had the nerve to tell one of the counselors what her husband said. I’d be interested to know how that situation plays out —does the counselor start to get what is happening? Or does she fall for the husband’s lies again?
As far as the rest of her family is concerned, I think Eleanor needs to thoroughly educate herself about exactly what a sociopath is and how they behave. One way to do it is by reading Lovefraud carefully. She should learn about the key symptoms. She should even be able to quote some statistics about how many millions of sociopaths live among us.
Then, when appropriate opportunities arise with individual family members, she can present this information coolly and calmly. In fact, when her husband does something right out of the sociopathic playbook, she can explain how it is typical sociopathic behavior. For example, his sob story about how broken he is is an example of the pity play.
It’s important not to get upset or angry while conveying such information, because that would create the image that Eleanor is nothing but a scorned woman. People can’t listen to someone who is upset; they put up their defenses. And, presenting this information while upset could play right into the hands of the husband, who is probably saying that Eleanor is mentally unbalanced. So the best way to communicate this information is dispassionately.
What else can she do or say? Do you have any suggestions for Eleanor?
Annie I am in total agreement with you and Viktor Frankl is my HERO AND GURU, the man is brilliant to say nothing about ethical in the face of the worst kind of abuse. I think reading “Man’s Search for Meaning” that he wrote saved my life if not my sanity. I read it the “summer of Chaos” while I blogged here and wept 24/7 it seemed.
Good advice to Eleanor as well…and Sky, I totally agree about the little recorder in the pocket, or maybe a hidden nanny cam some where. Use any and all ways to document his abuse.
Thanks to you too Oxy.
Actually, in my comment above I meant to say that I’d like to see skylar and ErinBrock write ‘articles’ for Donna to post on LF. I’ve been meaning to write her and ask if she’d be willing to ask them if they’d be interested. And, now that I think of it, perhaps skylar and Oxy could revisit their trite expressions exchange and write an article on that.
Re: sky’s suggestion of using an mp3 device, it would be helpful if there were some articles, or perhaps links to articles, documenting the different types of technology one can use to gather evidence, and tips/best practices for how to use them. Plus easy-to-follow instructions for the technically challenged (which is pretty much all of us when we’re in that shock stage).
Annie,
that’s a good idea. I might do that, I learned the trick in June 2009 from a stranger in a sushi bar!
Regarding your and Dr. Frankl’s mention of “the herd in the middle”, I have such little regard for most of those people because their natural tendency is to choose selfishness when given the opportunity. I can understand and forgive it in a young person, but once you reach a “certain age”, perhaps 25-30, it’s just too late, IMO. I hope not, but that’s been my experience.
Annie,
What you say is right and moral. And what I have written is immoral. I Know this. But I divorced a psychopath with a child in tow within 1 1/2years spending only $3000. I was married to it for 20 years. Had my own house that he was after , a child he was after, no job, and spent the last 4 years still married to it educating myself back in the early 2000’s. I started by googling narcissist, “Sam vac” , then found Donna and Oxy and many other insightful bloggers on love fraud . Excuse me if my advice is morally wrong . Somehow I think God will understand. And no, I don’t think for one second that you should play by some ‘good girl rule
book’ when your dealing with a psychopath, especially if you have children involved.
Madhanna, I don’t call it a “lie” or immoral– I call it DIS-information….LOL if it is for the purpose of protecting yourself from the psychopath, I think all bets are off. Do what you have to do to survive. Deceive them if you can. Keep real information away from them. Sky says if they know what you value, they will go after that, so pretend not to value something and they might not go after it. Good advice there.
In war time the army of one country tries to give dis-information to the other so that they won’t know what they’re up to…same with a psychopath and BABY IT IS WAR!
There are times that you have to “cut and run” and get out of their way, there are other times you have to stand and fight, and each situation is different. Whatever it is though, it is WAR and we can be sure of that, and it is war with someone who will use any dirty trick in the book, who will undermine you, and sometimes literally KILL you…and it is best to be “safe rather than sorry” so do not trust them, or even trust that you know what they will do. I never in a million years thought my son Patrick was capable of murder, but goes to show you, I wasn’t quite as knowing as I thought I was.
Live in caution, but not terror.. If you are in terror, then run! Get safe above all else!
God bless us all.
I second or third the audio device. I used my blackberry and he didn’t even notice because it was usually sitting near me anyway. Taping him when he was behaving like a lunatic was important just in case something awful happened, but taping him speaking during our “normal” conversations was even more eye-opening. Holy S. Bless those audio tapes.
What is the “trite expressions exchange” about?
Madhanna,
it’s not that lying about the spath is wrong, it’s just unnecessary. They are sooooo evil, that anything you could make up is not even going to touch the truth.
If you make up things and push comes to shove, you will likely lose the higher ground and THEN when you tell the truth, nobody will believe you. This plays right into their hands. Best bet is to get the truth, document it and expose them. That’s when they high tail it out of town.
Madhanna,
I wasn’t meaning to imply that you were immoral. Just that paths are muuuuch better at lying than we are and also seeing it in other people (physiologically, predatory people are much better at reading body language and situations than the average), and if we choose to climb into their arena we are at a distinct disadvantage. More importantly, the world being what it is, a victim trying to expose the truth caught out in ONE lie will pay a far higher price than the SOB’s who are so practiced at it, but who just insinuate rather than accuse so don’t alarm the listener.
Our truth comes with an expectation on the listener, where there is some expectation that they will, at least in some manner, uphold what is right. Paths on the other hand are slippery and appeal to the bad side of human nature by *inviting* people to participate in gossip, etc… and making it appear fun. No expectation, so people sliiiiiide into less than ethical behaviour by participating.
Our truth makes people uncomfortable, because if they honestly look at it they subconsciously realize that their reality is more chaotic than they’d realized, and on some level they know that if they align with us they may become targets. So they, more often than not, shoot the messenger.
I agree with you: for years I was overly invested in the “good girls handbook”. Had completely swallowed the notion that lying was always wrong. Sounds crazy, but it was watching a nature show that changed my thinking. In the show a robin was faking a broken wing to lure a snake away from its nest. I realized that, even though the bird was technically ‘lying’, faking an injury was the only ethical thing to do to protect its young.
But I’ve learned to differentiate between lying to the path, and lying to other people. Lying to non-paths is climbing into the path’s arena and playing their game by their rules. I’ve found that most bystanders really don’t differentiate between abusers and victims; someone once told me that bystanders usually view all participants involved as ‘trouble to keep away from’, and they suspect all parties of lying. All they have to do is catch us in one lie to feel comfortable putting us in that category.
Mainly though, I stink at lying, so select disclosure as described by ErinBrock, and non-commital indifference (grey rock) as described by skylar work better for me.
Skylar, Truth is not the goal. When you and your child are in the hands of a psychopath the goal becomes getting the hell out of it. Getting the hell away! Sometimes I Wonder if people here were actually involved with psychopaths. “Truth” isn’t the goal when you find yourself in this situation. Your goal is to get out of the legal contract of marriage (the morass) with the psychopath. And to do it as quickly and least expensively as possible. The TRUTH lies between you and God. I don’t think God looks down benevolently upon mothers that don’t protect their children. The higher ground is a good one? Where is this higher ground when you find yourself here? There is no high ground!
Madhanna,
I don’t think you understand what I’m saying.
If winning is the goal, then we cannot win by playing their game. We win by NOT participating in their game. They don’t know the difference of a win from a loss, because they have no values. The only way they understand if they’ve won or lost, is by watching how we respond and by the expressions on our faces.
Spaths DO understand that lying is evil and if they can get you to do evil in response to their evil, then they feel they have scored a win. The more you respond in ways that make them feel like they’ve scored, the more they will pursue their prey. It works as bait and a lure, rather than as a deterrant.
My point: don’t let them score in ANY way that gives them satisfaction.
That’s why it is important to understand the mindset of the spath. Only by understanding how they think, can you avoid “feeding the spath”. What they feed on, is not what normal people would ever imagine. They feed on creating evil in the world. I know, because my spath wrote about it, in his letter to God.
I can guarantee you that once he finds out you have lied about him, it will only egg him on to discredit you and destroy you in the eyes of others. You’ve given him bait.
Spaths don’t fear lies or run from them, lies only feed them. The truth, OTOH, scares the crap out of them. They don’t want anyone to see behind the mask.
I believe it was Oxy who said, “it’s not bad for you because it’s called a sin, it’s called a sin because it’s bad for you.”
So it is with lies. They are not displeasing to God for capricious reasons. They are displeasing to God because they create an opening for a sociopath to hurt us. “Satan” means “the slanderer”. He is the father of all lies. I think that spaths serve one higher purpose: as an example of how not to be.
You can lie to spaths if you wish, since they are liars, it makes little difference. But lying to others about spaths, starts you down a slippery slope. Of course you have free will and it is your choice and your responsibility as to how you decide to deal with your spath. I am only putting this perspective, out there for others’ benefit.