REGISTER | LOGIN

Please keep Lovefraud co-founder in your thoughts and prayers

 

Donna Andersen and Terry Kelly

Donna Andersen and Terry Kelly celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary at a restaurant two weeks ago.

I’ve written quite a few times about the wonderful relationship that I have with my husband, Terry Kelly. Yes, there is love after a sociopath.

Terry is my business partner in Lovefraud. He funded building the website and the printing of my books. When business decisions about Lovefraud need to be made, he’s my consultant. He even handles shipping when we receive book orders.

I’m writing this as I sit in the ICU waiting room of our local hospital. Terry suffered a heart attack on Tuesday. It’s been a long week.

This came totally out of the blue. Terry does not have any of the typical risk factors of heart disease. No family history. No smoking. He’s not overweight, he eats well, he exercises.

I was at my desk Tuesday morning, working on Lovefraud, when Terry left to go the gym. Then he went to the nearby Acme supermarket. There, he collapsed.

Luckily Acme had an AED (automated external defibrillator), and store employees started working on him right away. They called 911; an ambulance took him to the hospital.

My phone rang it was the emergency room. They wanted me to come right away. All they told me was that he collapsed.

When I got to the hospital, the doctors had already taken him for a catheterization. Afterwards, the doctor came out to talk to me. “Your husband is lucky to be alive,” she said.

Afterwards they moved Terry to the ICU. I was standing there when the nurses asked Terry to raise his hand, and nod his head. He could not follow directions. They became concerned about brain damage.

So they initiated a “therapeutic hypothermia,” which meant they cooled his body temperature down to 32 degrees celsius for 24 hours. To do it, they had to give Terry a heavy sedative.

After the 24 hours, they slowly warmed Terry up again. Eventually they took him off the sedative. But it takes a long time for the sedative to wear off. So my husband was unconscious, or barely conscious, for five days.

And the entire time, no one knew if Terry had suffered neurological damage.

Yesterday, Terry finally started waking up. As the day progressed, he became more and more coherent. He still couldn’t talk, because he had a breathing tubes in his throat. But he could respond appropriately.

A nurse asked him if he was in pain, and he nodded “yes.” They gave him medicine. Later, another nurse, having learned that Terry was a drummer, asked if he would give her drum lessons when he got better. He nodded “yes” again.

Terry’s family and our neighbors visited, and he recognized everyone, responded appropriately to conversation, and waved goodbye.

This was a huge improvement. I slowly began to feel that maybe, just maybe, my life wasn’t going to fall apart again.

Terry almost died. His heart stopped. If he hadn’t collapsed in the supermarket, if the supermarket didn’t have the AED, and employees who could use it, well, he would be gone.

All week, when I didn’t know if he would live or die, my emotions were all over the place. Fear that I would lose my husband. Worry I depended on Terry for so much; how would I handle everything? Resentment my first husband was a sociopath; hadn’t I already been through enough crap?

It’s interesting though now that the situation appears more optimistic, I can observe how different it is from the crisis I experienced because of the sociopath. Yes, this is a life-or-death crisis, but there is no betrayal. No manipulation and no deception.

So it’s an honest crisis, not an exploitation. My sense of self is not shaken.

The crisis isn’t over Terry is not out of the woods. So I will be somewhat distracted for awhile, and perhaps not as responsive to Lovefraud readers as I usually am. I am sorry, and I hope you’ll be patient.

Please keep Terry in your thoughts and prayers.

UPDATE 2/29/16 2 PM

Tremendous news! My husband, Terry, is off the respirator. I just spent 2 hours with him and he is getting better by the minute. It must have been all the prayers and good wishes, because he literally looked better and better right before my eyes.

Terry will still be in the hospital for a few days and may also need a rehab facility he spent seven days in bed, so he may be a bit unsteady on his feet. Or maybe not he’s a strong guy, and he wants to come home.

Thank you all so much!

 

 

 

Posted in: Donna Andersen

Comment on this article

67 Comments on "Please keep Lovefraud co-founder in your thoughts and prayers"

Notify of

You and Terry are blessed. God will continue to use you two to help those who are hurting. You have blessed me to understand I was not alone. You are in my prayers. Trust God this too will pass.

May God bless your husband with a full recovery.

I also want to comment on your marriage: I’m very happy you found a good man to love. May your marriage last into a very long loving life of much happiness.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Hi Donna, I am glad to hear that your husband is recovering.

I wanted to respond to something you said; this is very powerful:’So it’s an honest crisis, not an exploitation. My sense of self is not shaken.’It strikes me as very important to reflect on what you have said. I experienced almost non-stop fictitious crises with the spath.

She exploited my compassion, my loyalty, my stupidly high tolerance for real crisis; my need to love and care for another; and my need to find intellectual communion with another.(And my naivety about the existence of spaths.) And her exploitation of these qualities – qualities that that I knowingly and unknowingly based my sense of self on, is what shook my sense of self. If those qualities were what I based my sense of self on, and if they led me into such trouble, they really couldn’t be trusted could they? I couldn’t trust myself.

I often wonder how all of this would have turned out, if I hadn’t been exposed to the chemicals I was exposed to at the same time…if I hadn’t been injured chemically, what would my recovery look like? Both situations are very taxing to a number of body systems, particularly the adrenal system.

Thanks for this Donna. Please do keep us up to date on Terry’s recovery; and your latest ‘learning opportunity’. (gotta love ’em…)

Best,
One Joy

Donna,

I haven’t visited Lovefraud in awhile, just thought to check in today, and saw this. As well as your update. I’m so very sorry and I am keeping you and Terry in my prayers.

I recently went through my partner’s health crisis, similar story to yours. This was a few months ago. The recovery is long and slow, and it takes a lot of patience and strength to get through it, to be the caregiver and support the one who was hospitalized. Hang in there in case you have a long haul ahead of you. I am praying for a good outcome for you both.

I wanted to add that you are correct to recognize the trauma to YOU. It is serious and complicated and there is grieving, hope, gratitude, despair, all rolled together. I am glad you have support now. You may need it for awhile. You are good at being in touch with your feelings, so I know you will get through this.

I took care of myself, because I did not have much support of friends or family, and self care works, too. One thing I did, in case this helps (a practical thing) was that I went to Trader Joe’s and picked up convenience grab-n-go food for myself because nutrition is so important — it wasn’t homemade organic but it was better than eating junk. I did not feel like cooking when going through this, and I also wanted to focus on “what’s important.” I also reached out to people to ask for specific help, like “please pick up” a prescription for me, or “Please drop in and visit him while I’m working,” something like that. People are generally very willing to help but may be waiting for you to reach out. It is hard, hard, hard!

Each day that goes by gets you closer to the good outcome we are all praying for.

Love and good wishes,

20years

Your are in my thoughts and prayers,Thank you for all you do for us on this site.

Dear Donna and Terry,

Wishing you both every good thing in Terry’s recovery.

Sending healing vibes to you!

Terre

1 4 5 6

Send this to a friend