By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Psychopaths sometimes don’t know enough about how the rest of the world thinks to tell a “good” lie. I saw the following article about North Korea’s soccer team and how they had been apparently caught in a doping scandal, but were claiming that it was really an herbal medication that made them test positive for steroids.
The excuse given was that the team members had been struck by lightening and they had decided, heroically, to compete anyway. The steroids were accidentally taken with traditional Chinese medicines.
I have recently found other articles about the “stories” of the North Korean leader, Kim Jong-II, that made me laugh out loud. In one article, he supposedly played his first round of golf and scored a 38, including five holes-in-one.
One of the things I have noticed about many psychopaths, and others who frequently lie, is that their lies are so “off the wall” that no one over three years old would believe a word of them. They will “lie when the truth will fit better” is a saying I’ve heard all my life. This seems to be especially true with pathological liars and psychopaths.
Dr. Robert Hare, well-known psychopathy researcher, says that psychopaths have difficulty realizing that their lies are unbelievable, even when the evidence that they are untrue is literally in front of them. In some way, the two sides of their brains can’t connect the evidence in front of their eyes.
An example of this are the lies told by Casey Anthony when she led the police to the place she supposedly worked, even going to a cubical, when she knew that she didn’t work for that company. She also lied about leaving her daughter with “Zanny the Nanny,” when such a person didn’t exist. Anthony even led the police to the door of the empty apartment with the police in tow.
Not all liars are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are liars. Liars signal that they are not to be trusted. But if you hear a lie that is so outrageous that it makes you laugh out loud, or have the feeling that the person telling it must be “crazy—”look out! You very well may be dealing with a psychopath.
Dear Perplexed and Sad,
Yes, this guy sounds very much like a classic sociopath. Your story is similar to mine, and if you continue to read on this site you will discover how remarkably alike these people are. (Posters here often comment that they are actually the SAME person!)
The “second” bankruptcy is also a tell, but the main thing is the utter deceptiveness of his actions. Normal people are INCAPABLE of doing such things! Even a malignant narcissist has a slightly different MO, so I’m willing to say that you’ve probably encountered the real thing.
You are going down a blind alley, however, in concerning yourself with the wife. Trust me – she knows! You could send her a whole scrapbook of details and I guarantee you that she will choose a life of inauthenticity and fantasy over the truth – NO MATTER WHAT YOU TELL HER! (Unfortunately, the victims in these situations are often as predictable as the victimizers.)
Long-distance relationships that go back far in time are a breeding ground for false idealizations and sentimental falsehood. Yet precisely for that reason they tend to hurt a whole hell of a lot more than a normal “bad relationship.” Especially when you discover that the person is a complete fraud, and that it “wasn’t all that” – then or now.
Just some thoughts. I can’t stress enough, however, that you need to forget about the wife. It will keep you in a very unhealthy place, and as I’ve said, she doesn’t WANT to be undeceived. That’s probably why he chose her in the first place.
In any case, it does get better. But it’s a very unpleasant experience to come into contact with this kind of malevolence and falsity first-hand: It turns one’s world upside-down and inside-out!
But it does get better. In the meantime – welcome to the club!
PS Perplexed,
I forgot to ask – was he actually living with you “full-time”, or did he just come to the apartment on weekends, holidays, etc.? I’m wondering if perhaps he was with the wife all along, and just came to you when he was “away for work,” etc. (Giving the excuse, for example, that he “still had to sell his house,” “finish with his old job,” and that kind of thing.)
I can’t tell from your post, but it sort of sounds like he never even left the wife. They DO do that, you know. It’s perverse and heartless, but I suppose it appeals to their spirit of “gamesmanship.” It works for about four to six months (i.e., before they give themselves away), because indeed – who in the f**k would actually make up such a thing?!
Answer: A SOCIOPATH!!!!!!!
Oh, and another “tell” is the fact that he led you to believe that you were moving into a new home together, when HE KNEW that wasn’t the case, and that he was actually moving into a new home with HIS WIFE!
Dear Perplexed:
I am so sorry you have had to endure this.
Constantine was right: alot of us think we are speaking of the exact same person, in each of our situations. They are all so similar. What’s with that, anyways? Anyone have any ideas how they all seem to run so similar?? Interesting. It’s like they are being mass produced in China or something! 🙂
My first and best advice to you, having come through what you currently are: x sp married 4 years without whispering a word to me; just lead me on and lead me on…finally me and the NOW x wife have both booted him to the curb and he is floating from woman to woman, off the internet, getting what he can. He has tried to kill me twice. And I am here to tell you that the very best thing you can do for yourself is to get away from it! Run, while you can. Fortunately, “IT’s” x wife and I were able to make a friendly acquaintance and we BOTH have emphatically agreed that “IT” is a very sick individual who is beyond help. I have no hope for “IT” any longer. “IT’ is just lost and won’t ever be any different. How do you ever get over the love of your life purposely trying to harm you? Hmm? “I” can learn to get over it, eventually, BUT things will never be the same. “IT” asked me, when we spoke last, 3 months ago, if things were always going to be this way between us from now on and I replied: “YES. YOU drew all the lines. YOU made your wretched choices so get away from me…go live with what you have made for yourself and leave me alone. For good.” I meant it.
In order to heal you need to keep “IT” away from you in all ways, shape and form. Do NOT fall for the pretty: “I am sorrie’s” nor the “It will never happen agains…” DO NOT TOLERATE BEING SECOND because once you do that, you will always be 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, et al – trust me…I know. NOW I know. Even after I found out “IT” was married all that time and lead me on and played me, I walked away with grace because I never wanted “IT” like it was obsessed with me!!! It was “IT” that kept the facade up and ‘swooned’ me into that trap.
BOOT THAT BA**TARD TO THE CURB!
Hold your head up high; heal yourself; look out for you and don’t worry about the ‘wife’. OBVIOUSLY she is in denial. Sometimes all you can do is save yourself. If you have fear for their children, “I” would report it to someone who could look out for them. Comes from a commitment to my public service. 😉
“I” am probably not the best one here to give you any advice, actually, because I have a tendency to make things ‘even’. There is no excuse for some of the things these awful people do except for that they are disgusting and vile animals. When you look at them as they really are….SLIME has more character.
I am happy you are here. Stick around, walk with us a while. There is no other place, like this – we all have come down the same paths. We have been victimized by a sociopath.
I wouldn’t worry about the wife & kids…worry about YOU!
RUN!!!!! Change your number; don’t let it know where you are. JUST GET AWAY. I wish you so well and I will say prayers for you and your safety. Don’t settle for #2, DearHeart….it will turn you into #3, #4, #5, #6, etc. – trust me, I know. “Loving” someone is no reason to sacrifice yourself!!!!
*BLESSINGS*
Duped No More
Constantine and Perplexed and sad:
Good point about whether the guy wasn’t maybe still living with the wife. I think mine somewhat did that, too. He had an apartment and had been separated for a full year, but I think toward the end of the “separation” when I was seeing him is when I think he was also staying at the house with his wife “sometimes”…I think he went back and forth and now it is making so much sense to me that when he wouldn’t answer my texts is when he was at home with her!!! HA! I somewhat suspected this, but now you really opened my eyes to that is exactly what was going on…especially on weekends. That is when I wouldn’t hear from him or he wouldn’t answer texts. Now I know it’s probably because he went back home on the weekends OR he was out with yet someone else!!!
Also, mine did a similar thing about moving to a new house! He told me that he was selling the house in England so that he could buy HER a house so that when they got a divorce she would have a place to live since she doesn’t work and then he would also buy a house. Yeah, right! What really happened is they bought a new house TOGETHER and that is where he is. Boy was that ever a tell!!! And I remember thinking at the time how he was going to buy two houses, but I overlooked it because I thought he could buy the house for her with the proceeds from the England house which would mean he could still afford to buy his own home. DUH!!!! Wow…
Perplexed and sad:
Please listen to everyone on here. Notice that everyone is saying the same thing…forget about telling the wife anything. We know! I hope you realize we are trying to help and don’t think we are being mean.
HUGS!!!
Let me say thank you to all of you that have responded. Some part of me has started thinking maybe I’ve just been on some sort of witch hunt, looking for any possible “reason” he would hurt me so badly. I continue to read up on this illness and boy, I do really feel like I have encountered a true sociapath.
Someone asked if I lived with him full time in the apartment, and yes I did. He got up every morning and went to work and came home to me every evening. I did notice agitation on his part when I would ask just the normal every day questions…”How was your day?” or “Do you want to do something this weekend?” When I would ask why he was acting like that he would say things like, “I’m sorry baby, I just had a rough day and need some time to calm down.”….yeah he had to calm down alright, I’m sure the wife had been drilling him with questions and he wanted to get his thoughts in order before he answered ANY questions from me. As for not contacting his wife I understand where all of you are coming from, I realize she KNOWS, but what she doesn’t realize is that its not the fact that he basically is a monster…but that it is an incurable disease. I don’t believe in my heart she knows the severity of it. I didn’t know he’s a sociapath until I dug deeper, and did research. I have broken all ties with him and he cant contact me. I think I would just feel like I was doing an injustice if I didn’t get her to just hear me out so that she knows what she is REALLY dealing with.
Also, this may be self preservation on my part, but I truly do feel that when we were together as teenagers that I did have a healthy honest relationship with him. I’ve read on a lot of sites that this illness basically asserts itself and attaches to the psyche by the age of 15. We had already dated a long time by that point. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sticking to the belief that I’m THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS EVER HAD HIM AT HIS BEST. Call it sick on my part but it makes me feel better.
And, as in MY situation, it was at first construe to be ‘jealousy’ on my behalf, which my spath cultivated the notion of. She wouldn’t believe me at first, until I acquainted her with the term: PSYCHOPATH/SOCIOPATH. As soon as I started educating her on PTSD and all the other issues, without any doubt whatsoever, SHE SAW THE LIGHT but she was seeing it before I came along, all by herself. You could just be opening another ‘can of worms’ perplexed, FOR YOURSELF and while you certainly have the option to do as you choose, I would definitely stay away. It’s that good person part of you that still continues to reach out. I know you want ‘revenge’ but that isn’t the way to get it. The only way to get justification for what has happened to you would be to hold your head up real high; put on your big girl britches and act like it just doesn’t bother you in the least any more. He will only ‘get off’ having two women making over him but complete NC will rectify that absurd notion. 😉
Save yourself while you can!
If you try to go deeper you may not make it back…
Be concerned with YOU!!!
*Blessings & Light*
Duped NO MORE!
No, you are correct: you probably ARE the only one who has ever had him at his best. MINE used to tell me that all the time and I should have listened: “I am not the nice guy you think I am. In fact, I am evil and cruel and mean; you just don’t want to see it; you see the good guy side of me and that isn’t the prevalent side of me.” He was right about that. But for five years prior to his abduction by evilness, he was a very charming and kind and responsible person. Yes…that is true. I know “I” am the only one who ever seen MY “IT” the way I did. All heartfelt, conscious filled, etc., but as much as I want to hang on to that to make me feel better, Lovey, it just isn’t true. Least not for me. We were friends through a lot of life’s really bad up’s and down’s. We had some of them together. We survived them all laughing and loving….that was then and this is now.
I wouldn’t trust it within 500 ft of me and don’t intend to.
Not after it tried to murder me with love and kindness in it’s voice and face, while it tried to SUCK OUT MY LIFE.
Don’t get trapped perplexed…you can do much better.
You deserve much better. xxoo
Time for me to get ready for this days work ahead of me.
My plans are as follows:
1. shower and dress
2. go to court
3. stop at church, light candle & say prayers
4. CARAMEL APPLE MARTINI!!!! YAY!!!! 🙂
love and blessing to you all….
see you on the ‘flipside’!!!
xxoo
Duped NO MORE!