By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Psychopaths sometimes don’t know enough about how the rest of the world thinks to tell a “good” lie. I saw the following article about North Korea’s soccer team and how they had been apparently caught in a doping scandal, but were claiming that it was really an herbal medication that made them test positive for steroids.
The excuse given was that the team members had been struck by lightening and they had decided, heroically, to compete anyway. The steroids were accidentally taken with traditional Chinese medicines.
I have recently found other articles about the “stories” of the North Korean leader, Kim Jong-II, that made me laugh out loud. In one article, he supposedly played his first round of golf and scored a 38, including five holes-in-one.
One of the things I have noticed about many psychopaths, and others who frequently lie, is that their lies are so “off the wall” that no one over three years old would believe a word of them. They will “lie when the truth will fit better” is a saying I’ve heard all my life. This seems to be especially true with pathological liars and psychopaths.
Dr. Robert Hare, well-known psychopathy researcher, says that psychopaths have difficulty realizing that their lies are unbelievable, even when the evidence that they are untrue is literally in front of them. In some way, the two sides of their brains can’t connect the evidence in front of their eyes.
An example of this are the lies told by Casey Anthony when she led the police to the place she supposedly worked, even going to a cubical, when she knew that she didn’t work for that company. She also lied about leaving her daughter with “Zanny the Nanny,” when such a person didn’t exist. Anthony even led the police to the door of the empty apartment with the police in tow.
Not all liars are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are liars. Liars signal that they are not to be trusted. But if you hear a lie that is so outrageous that it makes you laugh out loud, or have the feeling that the person telling it must be “crazy—”look out! You very well may be dealing with a psychopath.
Constantine (my op is valid for men and women but most here are women as I am)
I agree that most women, married or not, may not do anything with the info given them. But I also maintain it is my moral obligation to warn her, esp when kids are involved. I can’t MAKE her decisions for her, but YOU who tell are at least planting a seed, however long it takes to grow is up to another power.
Even if she doesn’t leave, when she does get to the point where we are here on LF, she will already have validation. YOU ALL KNOW how valuable validation is, we who have been denied justice, been denied a voice, been denied dignity? Validation is that knowledge that you did not imagine, you are not crazy, you are not LESS THAN. For someone on the edge of suicide, and MANY ARE on that edge, validation that they are not alone and that evil was done TO THEM, can ONLY HELP.
INGENERAL
It is my opinion that when women do contact the wife (as was done me), it was with malice. Nobody told me about his personality problem. I was blamed for getting in the way of their relationship. I had health issues brought on my stress, but without him and the insurance that I could only get by remaining married, I had no way to care for myself. That’s just one example. OW tend to look from the outside and make judgments without knowing the REALITY of the wife/children.
IF anyone does contact the wife, take the emotion out of it, give her facts she can confirm, tell her about this site b/c when things are bad (and there are always bad times) she will look it up. She needs knowledge, not more drama. And remember, if your heart is right and it is for HER benefit, a GIFT to her, then like all gifts, don’t attach strings where she has to be grateful or do what you advise. That’s not fair, and the control aspect makes it NOT a gift and therefore suspect.
Best,
katy
Hi everyone! It is 103f here in good ol’ SoCal this very moment! Hotter than HELL must be. 🙂
Thanks Constantine for saying you don’t think I am crazy. I don’t think I am either although spath might have hoped for that. 😉
Well, I have been to court and done my thing there. Stopped and had lunch at Applebee’s: a fresh chicken salad along with my favorite: ta-da-da-da: yes: a caramel apple martini! 🙂
Before going for the caramel apple martini, I stopped by St. Catherine’s and spent some time just talking with the “Big Guy”. They won’t let us light candles in the church anymore! 🙁 There are signs that says: “Please do not light any candles! They are a fire hazard!” Well, okay, then. 🙂
The church was open and the only people around were the caretakers, doing the carpeting in the main church. I slipped in through an open door, blessing myself with Holy Water and kneeling at the alter and feeling the power surge through my veins. I think I stayed maybe about 15-20 minutes. I wanted to stay longer but I could tell they wanted me to go so they could finish cleaning so I didn’t want to make myself a burden to them and left.
As I was leaving, and I reached into the Holy Water, I put it to my lips and splashed it on my body and face. Let’s see what happens NOW! 🙂 I am alright. Just tired now from that caramel apple martini I had with lunch! 🙂
I contacted IT’s wife and I did so to see if she was alright after the beating she took! I also contacted her to let her know what an evil person she had for a husband and to my surprise, she already knew! She had been PLANNING on divorcing him for the past four years but didn’t have the heart. (Sound familiar?) She knew all about “IT” long before “I” got there and we have managed to stay ‘friendly’ to one another…she says she doesn’t hate me and completely understands what her ex husband has been up to this whole time and she just wants him gone, over and done with and she made that happen; trust me. Not only did she get her divorce, she got EVERYTHING which is good otherwise “IT” and “IT#2” would have just sucked it up in drugs. They have a nice little cocaine habit, now, which I was told about and for which “IT” was so proud to boast~!
The ex wife and I are still ‘friendly’ and ‘kind’ to one another because we BOTH have agreed “IT” is a psychopath and not very stable. We BOTH know the deal and yes, she does come here, like I do – I pointed her here so she could see it for herself. She has confirmed everything exactly the same as I.
Neither one of us want anything to do with “IT” anymore.
NOT EVER. It can just go do whatever it is that it is doing…neither of us care anymore. It tried to harm BOTH of us. No excuse and no forgiveness. None.
So, NAP HERE I COME! I love you guys and think you all ROCK!
Have a good evening if I don’t get back around…that martini is making me very sleepy in this heat, even with the A/C on! 🙂
*BIG HUGS*
Constantine, Louise, Ox, KatyDid, Candy, Skylar, Donna, BBE; TB; zimzoom; hens – as I was drinking my martini, I did exactly what I told you I was going to: here I was sitting alone in Applebee’s, having lunch and with each sip, “This is for you hens; this is for you Ox…so forth and so on. So, as you can see, you WERE all with me. xxoo
Talk soon.
Take care of yourselves ~ get out and do something NICE for you today or tonight…say to yourself: “It’s from Duped, with love.”
Dupey Dupedster
DUPED:
Awwww, thanks for having that drink for all of us and thinking of all of us while you were drinking!!!! Slurp!!
Perplexed and sad:
But didn’t I read in your original post that you did send the wife texts, email, pictures, etc.?? Did she respond??
I agree with Katy in that a wife has a lot invested and almost always will not leave no matter what she learns. Even couples who are not married won’t leave each other most of the time. She probably loves him and has kids and especially since they just got a house, I doubt anything is going to happen.
But if you feel you really want to tell her, by all means, I think you should. You are not going to feel satisfied until you do it, but I was curious as to what her reaction was when you contacted her the first time?
Constantine:
No, it was his wife he moved into the new house with just about 14 months ago. Oh, nooooo, the OW from my office is married also and is also still with her husband. I am the only one who was single in the equation. It is what all spaths do I am sure, but he told me that he thinks the OW is stupid and she wasn’t his type at all and that he had only been with her because she was pursuing HIM. Yep, we all know how that goes. I don’t believe him, but she IS stupid, trust me.
Yes, he truly was separated. According to the OW, when the wife first kicked him out, he lived in a hotel for about four months off and on. Within those four months, he did go back home twice, but he truly was out of the house. Then he got an apartment after about four months and stayed there (again probably off and on) for the next six to seven months. This mostly all happened before I came on the scene. He was only with me about two to three months before he went home for good and has been there ever since.
I know what you mean about him planning to move into the new house with his wife, but they have two kids so even when he was living at the apartment, he was constantly in contact with her because of the kids. In my gut, I think she may have been truly ready to divorce his a**, but I am sure she is still in love with him and she doesn’t work because he makes a ton of money so she doesn’t have to so what is she going to do? He probably sweet talked her into staying together and not so much because he’s happy either, but just to keep the image of being married and also so he is not seen as a failure.
Louise,
I’ve only recently sent his wife the texts, emails, etc because she asked me for proof of my relationship with him. They haven’t purchased a home, it’s a rental….neither one of them have the credit or large enough down payment to purchase one. I know that a wife will normally stay with her adulterer husband because of her love and her kids, but in this case he’s not just a jerk. SOCIAPATH with violent tendencies…she needs to think about theirs as well as her own SAFETY. I am going to walk away however, I guess it really isn’t up to me to save her, she has to want to do that.
Perplexed and sad:
If she asked for proof, she probably does believe you and that’s a good thing. But I think your last sentence says it all…you can’t save her unfortunately. Good to hear also that they are not buying a house.
So he wasn’t violent at all when you knew him back in high school? Sounds like he has changed a lot.
Please keep us posted. We ARE here to listen to you…hugs!
Louise,
If I gave you the impression that a wife will not leave, that was not what I intended. Rather, when a wife first learns about her husband’s betrayal, she has a lot more to deal with than just the loss of faithfulness. Lots of people stay married after infidelity.
BUT, IF she learns he is SPATH, SHE WILL LIKELY LEAVE but on her OWN TIME. She has to learn, like US, that the person she loves does NOT EXIST. I left b/c of my husband’s behaviors but if I had this LoveFraud resource, I would have left MUCH sooner. Wives do have a lot more invested than a new relationship but most will put their kids first. But it’s unfair to expect them to act according to someone elses timetable. They have a lot to process and WE dont’ know what else is happening.
and no, it isn’t up to us to save her, but i think a person with empathy would want to give her the info that Perplexed did, and then LEAVE HER time to deal with it.
Super NOT Duped anymore
Thanks for the toast. Will do the same for you this Friday.
Katy
YAY! I love Fridays! 🙂
xxoo
And, , you are welcome! 😉
…my pleasure….