By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Psychopaths sometimes don’t know enough about how the rest of the world thinks to tell a “good” lie. I saw the following article about North Korea’s soccer team and how they had been apparently caught in a doping scandal, but were claiming that it was really an herbal medication that made them test positive for steroids.
The excuse given was that the team members had been struck by lightening and they had decided, heroically, to compete anyway. The steroids were accidentally taken with traditional Chinese medicines.
I have recently found other articles about the “stories” of the North Korean leader, Kim Jong-II, that made me laugh out loud. In one article, he supposedly played his first round of golf and scored a 38, including five holes-in-one.
One of the things I have noticed about many psychopaths, and others who frequently lie, is that their lies are so “off the wall” that no one over three years old would believe a word of them. They will “lie when the truth will fit better” is a saying I’ve heard all my life. This seems to be especially true with pathological liars and psychopaths.
Dr. Robert Hare, well-known psychopathy researcher, says that psychopaths have difficulty realizing that their lies are unbelievable, even when the evidence that they are untrue is literally in front of them. In some way, the two sides of their brains can’t connect the evidence in front of their eyes.
An example of this are the lies told by Casey Anthony when she led the police to the place she supposedly worked, even going to a cubical, when she knew that she didn’t work for that company. She also lied about leaving her daughter with “Zanny the Nanny,” when such a person didn’t exist. Anthony even led the police to the door of the empty apartment with the police in tow.
Not all liars are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are liars. Liars signal that they are not to be trusted. But if you hear a lie that is so outrageous that it makes you laugh out loud, or have the feeling that the person telling it must be “crazy—”look out! You very well may be dealing with a psychopath.
KatyDid:
Oh, I agree. I think I ran on in my sentence when I said that you said the wife has a lot invested and then I went on to say “they almost always will not leave no matter what she learns”…those were MY words. Sorry for combining the two thoughts in one sentence as I knew that is not your position. But from my whole life observing marriages, I have seldom seen people divorce.
I do agree that IF a wife is going to leave, she will finally do it in her own time and sometimes that can take almost forever. I think this is why sometimes you see people divorce after 25 or 30 years…the wife (or husband) has finally had enough and the kids are grown so what is left? Because we all know that kids are THE biggest reason people stay and I don’t always think that is best either. Why keep children in that mess?? I just don’t get it.
Hi Louise,
I think it’s Oxy who says 85% of the women here go back. Spaths are much worse than an infidelity issue, which is bad enough. I’d bet spaths, not spouses, are the main ones who tend to end the relationship when then move on to new sources after they kill off the spirit of the old.
I am not making excuses but you ask why keep children in that mess? There are as many answers as there are troubled marriages. Some are dumb. Some are numb. Some are foolish. Some are fooled. Some are stuck. Some have no where to go. (abusers isolate). And if a wife has no where to go, when divorced guess who gets custody of the kids? Divorce is spath heaven. ….Ya get the idea.
As much as we hurt, we ARE THE LUCKY ONES. I often said I’d rather be homeless than ever submit to him. Maybe the wives that stay aren’t as far down the hell hole as I was….
In spite of what the wife may chose to do, I still think it morally responsible to give info to whomever does not know but will need the truth, as long as it can be done and maintain our safety. But normally it’s done with jealousy, so who can be surprised when it is ignored?
KatyDid:
I think a majority of the spaths are probably the ones to get rid of the spouse, but not in my X spath’s case. I think he is the one with the Madonna/Whore thing going on…he wants to keep the wife while he goes out and fools around with everyone. He will never leave her. She will have to be the one to do it.
Yeah, I get the idea. I understand. There ARE so many reasons people stay in marriages. It’s complex.
I agree here too…we are the lucky ones. We got out. We don’t have to deal with their crap anymore and deal with trying to have a family with them. I can’t imagine really. It has to be a nightmare.
I agree that giving info to the wife is most of the time done out of jealousy and with the hope that the info will break them up so the OW can have the man. I understand why the wife wouldn’t want to listen.
Actually, this brings up a very good point that I have never talked about before on here. Something very important that I suspect about the X spath, but have no proof. I can’t say in case someone would figure me out on here, but it is a serious issue that IF true, the X spath’s wife really should know and I would NOT be doing it maliciously. This is something that if it were my husband, I would want to know so that I could make an informed decision about whether to stay with him or not. But I can never do anything unless I would have proof and there is no way for me to get proof.
It was easy for me to confront the NOW x wife. We were both already in agreement and convinced of his illness. Neither of us want to destroy him. In a way, we still feel sorry for it but not to the point of either of us letting it back in to do more damage. She and I, both, are older and we don’t need this in our lives. It is just all garbage = all of it. Unacceptable, garbage. Period.
Her and I stand so totally united on this. At first, she thought it was that way…that I was telling her things just to bust up the marriage; that I wanted it for myself which just has never been true. But then, after we talked more, she began realizing that I, too, was just another DUPED OW…she told me she has heard from many, too. But that she could tell “I” was sincere. She knows I am. I kept her marriage together for a long time without even really knowing her. I was trying to help a friend that I loved and cared about. It was my best friend for a long time and the OW convinced “IT” that “I” destroyed the marriage when I didn’t really at all. OW can so totally HAVE IT. Just wait until SHE starts ending up with black eyes and can’t get out of bed in the morning because she has been beaten for hanging a curtain up the wrong way or not doing what it wants….SHE CAN SOOOOO HAVE IT. Devour it for all I care…According to the x wife, the marriage was over long before I ever spoke a first word to her. She was grateful I saved her. Although not so grateful that she considers me a true friend. Know what I mean?
Through the divorce, her and I were pretty close. That divorce was done the day after “I” kicked it’s ugly face into the curb! There; take that. How does that feel? And, it was so totally unexpected. It left “IT” flabbergasted to say the least. It never thought I would EVER tell it to ‘hit the road, Jack’…
It’s sad. But, you know, THEY are the ones who made their lives the way they are. We had nothing to do with their stupid choices. Now they can just go live with them and “I” am moving on with what is left of MY LIFE, in peace and quiet without all the drama, chaos, questions, hurt feelings, blah, blah, blah…
IT CAN GO BACK TO HELL WHERE IT CAME FROM.
Actually Louise,
I think my husband would have preferred that. He was angry with me after his first affair, said I should have watched him closer and protected him from her. What a croc! Ya can’t tell everyone your wife is a b and has you on a short lease and then blame her for not having you on a short leash. And he knew I NEEDED to trust him and if I couldn’t, we were not a match. I told him the truth about ME up front so he wouldn’t even date me if he didn’t subscribe to my values of strong family man, honor/integrity, no submitting to parents control (had a very controlling mom and it turned out, a dad who just used other means to be very controlling.).
So yes, my husband did say I was the Good Wife (barf). And I know he wanted his cake and eat it too. If only I’d be ‘understanding’. Well, I am understanding all right. I understand I told him I would not stay with a cheating man. He was MORE THAN CHEATING. He was a lie from hello to goodbye. I UNDERSTAND he knew who/what I was and he scammed me and stole my daughter’s only chance for a dad.
I do miss the times I thought we shared, until I get a grip and know that when he was at his most tender was when I WAS BEING MOST SCAMMED. HE took MY tender words of love and repeated them to other women, where they fell in love with such a sensitive man. Swwoonnn. MY WORDS. MY THOUGHTS. Used to capture hearts of other women. That’s what MY tender moments were for.
Like Duped, IT can go back to hell where it came from (with his parents, spawn of the devils…).
Louise, I gave my info to the woman’s mother, the grandmother of her children. I gave provable facts, how he was cheating on her, dates, emails, credit card receipts, and the same for the previous two others plus emails showing the backburner girls, proof he is never faithful and boasts of how easy it is for him to snow people. Grandma says he daughter see stars but when she needs help, and she will, Grandma will be there. That’s my gift. Not to cause drama but to know she will need help. There were other women who were absolute B’s but this one is so like me, it’s weird. She’s a great mom, great values, great education, etc. I’m thinking she doesn’t even know he’s married….
KatyDid:
Huh?? Your husband thought you should have protected him from the OW?? That doesn’t make any sense to me.
Oh, yes, we were only being scammed when they were nice that is without a doubt. They always have an ulterior motive. They are always nice for a reason. So sorry to hear he took your words and thoughts and used them on other women. What a jerk, creep.
It sounds like you did a good thing by giving the info you did. So he’s married now to someone else, but still cheating with other women? Sorry, it’s hard for me to keep everyone’s stories straight. I think I have most of them down now, but wasn’t sure about what your X spath is doing now.
No Louise.
I call him my husband b/c he is married TO ME. But yes, he has moved on to another woman, who does not know he cheats on her. And may not even know he is married. I have never called him my X path b/c he is NOT my X, YET…. but I am working on it!!!
And yes, my husband has convoluted logic. Don’t all spaths? Where I was held responsible for his cheating b.c I didn’t keep the predator off him? (no, surely it wasn’t b/c he was seductive and charming to her?)
I left after the second BIG affair, I didn’t know about all the other women until AFTER I LEFT. And aftter I left, he kept stringing me along with that hook that mattered to ME. That is, until I stopped him being able to contact me except when I HAD CONTROL. He has my biz email address. I respond when I get time, usually a week or two later… He does not know where I live, my phone, or even the name of our daughter, which has changed b/c she married and he doesn’t know that either. Why should he? HE COULD know all he wanted, but he’d have to make an effort to care, and no spath gives another that kind of power.
Katydid,
that is such a classic spath: blaming you for his behavior. I don’t know how many times my spath tried that on me.
I never knew my spath cheated until about 5 months after I left him. I talked to my BF and he told me all about it. Here’s the clincher: I had talked to several of his friends and not one of them told me, NOT ONE. But after I said I knew, they all said, “well of course, we all knew.” WTF? What they didn’t know is that he is not just a cheater, he is a pedophile, a sex addict and will fuck anything. and I mean ANYTHING.
But I digress… what I meant to say, is that one of his minions told me that it might have been because we didn’t have sex for so many years and what could I expect?
Well sheet! We didn’t have sex for over a decade because he only wanted orgies. Furthermore, he was cheating on me with two 12 year old Native American girls when he was 28 years old and I was just 17 and going to work every day. They would come over after school! Apparently he had a thing for Native American 12 year olds because when he was 10 that was his first sexual encounter. They never grow up.
So Katy, he can try to blame you all he wants, because that is what spaths do. But it’s all projection and lies. They cheat on you because it gives them pleasure to imagine how you’d feel if you knew.
To quote skylar: “What they didn’t know is that he is not just a cheater, he is a pedophile, a sex addict and will fuck anything. and I mean ANYTHING.” ~ THIS I KNOW Dear Skylar….this I know.
KatyDid:
Oh, OK…I think I remember now. Sorry, I did not remember that you were still legally married to him. What a piece of work he is. UGGHH.
How did you find out about the two big affairs?