By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Psychopaths sometimes don’t know enough about how the rest of the world thinks to tell a “good” lie. I saw the following article about North Korea’s soccer team and how they had been apparently caught in a doping scandal, but were claiming that it was really an herbal medication that made them test positive for steroids.
The excuse given was that the team members had been struck by lightening and they had decided, heroically, to compete anyway. The steroids were accidentally taken with traditional Chinese medicines.
I have recently found other articles about the “stories” of the North Korean leader, Kim Jong-II, that made me laugh out loud. In one article, he supposedly played his first round of golf and scored a 38, including five holes-in-one.
One of the things I have noticed about many psychopaths, and others who frequently lie, is that their lies are so “off the wall” that no one over three years old would believe a word of them. They will “lie when the truth will fit better” is a saying I’ve heard all my life. This seems to be especially true with pathological liars and psychopaths.
Dr. Robert Hare, well-known psychopathy researcher, says that psychopaths have difficulty realizing that their lies are unbelievable, even when the evidence that they are untrue is literally in front of them. In some way, the two sides of their brains can’t connect the evidence in front of their eyes.
An example of this are the lies told by Casey Anthony when she led the police to the place she supposedly worked, even going to a cubical, when she knew that she didn’t work for that company. She also lied about leaving her daughter with “Zanny the Nanny,” when such a person didn’t exist. Anthony even led the police to the door of the empty apartment with the police in tow.
Not all liars are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are liars. Liars signal that they are not to be trusted. But if you hear a lie that is so outrageous that it makes you laugh out loud, or have the feeling that the person telling it must be “crazy—”look out! You very well may be dealing with a psychopath.
Dearest Constantine,
You mentioned finding out about other sordid details.
That’s my experience too. Marriage turned into a nightmare, so much so that I’d rather be homeless than married to him. But I discovered a whole lot more AFTER I left. I remember thinking, okay now I know the truth and I will deal with this and heal. Only, the discoveries didn’t seem to stop. I stopped them by going NC. I stopped being open to learning all of his betrayals.
What was the point of gathering more examples of his cruelty and manipulations and double life? I already knew the man I loved did not exist and as a total pretense scam. I was never going to let him into my world to hurt me like that ever again. So I accepted that he was WORSE than I could imagine and cut off learning more (except for financial divorce stuff).
I HAD to cut off learning about his true nature b/c the discoveries were like continuous assaults and I could not heal when I was still being bombarded. I did learn, he never seemed to reach bottom in his drive to disrepect and degrade me. This while I LOVED him with all my heart. I used to wonder why marry me when he didn’t want or love me. That’s before I found out about spaths. NOw I know. And that Knowledge is the key to empower myself back to the world of LIVING a GOOD LIFE.
GOD BLESS DONNA. I never stop thinking that.
Dear Louise,
Thank you for the kind words. I would only add that I never cease to be grateful that it DIDN’T work out. I now see quite clearly that it would have been the greatest curse of all to have spent my life with such a completely vapid being. (And the last time I ran into her it appeared that she was losing her looks as well! haha- not that I’m superficial about that stuff, but when that’s ALL you have to your credit!)
It’s fun to be a little mean sometimes! – at least when it comes to people who don’t play by the rules!
Yes, Louise, it really is a kind of grace that we were spared living with them. A brutal grace at the time, perhaps; but in your case, just be glad that you’re the one looking at “Spath Manor” from the outside – rather than being stuck (like the wife) viewing the world from a “gilded prison.” No question, Louise, that would truly be a case of Dante’s, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!”
Dear Katy,
Yes, they are sort of like those animals, that even when technically dead, can still kill you with their venom!
Their lies and contradictions really do seem to have a life of their own. Toward the end of our relationship when things started to completely unravel, mine couldn’t even finish two sentences without weaving a whole new series of lies! The day that we officially ended our engagement, I remember actually saying, “Shut up, don’t say another word! My God, you literally can’t finish one sentence without bringing twenty new falsehoods into the world! So just stop fu*king talking!”
Oh yes, Katy, those were pleasant times! But you’re right – their lies and inconsistencies are like that old idea of a “perpetual motion machine”: even years later, they keep grinding on and churning out the same old cant and misery! Until, of course, we learn to present them with an aspect that they can no longer touch.
Constantine:
Yes, we both need to be grateful it didn’t work out. It wasn’t meant to be. Yours is most likely making someone else miserable. I think you mentioned one time that she is still married to the same guy?
Spath Manor and Spath Lair…I love it!!!!
Louise,
Yes, as far as I know she’s still with the same guy, but I haven’t checked up on her for many years. They also have a million dollar “Spath Lair” (which I later discovered they bought on almost the same day that she and I were house-hunting ourselves!) – though that is something which has no appeal for me at all! Even if she weren’t a socio. I would simply wither up and die in such a gaudy, philistine environment. Her friends – as I gradually discovered – are some of the most mindless and snobbish people you will ever want to meet. Yet like most snobs, they are complete mediocrities in every sense.
But the husband is very innocent. I liked him, and threfore I feel sorry that he has reconciled himself to such an inauthentic life, because he struck me as someone who had the potential for much more. Still, when your wife is secretly engaged to another man, and banging two others on the side, there’s no way that you can just smooth over that, is there? Yet that is apparently precisely what happened.
However, that’s not my problem any more. Like I said, I’m just glad that I got out in time!
Constantine:
So they also have a million dollar spath lair (or manor), huh?? Wow, that is unbelievable that they bought it almost the same day that you and her were looking at houses…she is very sick. That husband is trauma bonded with a capital TB. Very tragic.
I am glad you got out, too!
I remember the first few encounters I had with him. He had described his wife to me as 6′ 120lb blonde executive with legs up to her neck. He also told me how her sun rose and set over his private part. Turns out he was very insure about both issues. Neither of of his claims were even close to being true. Did he think i wouldn’t find out? I could always tell when he would start having a crush on someone else. He would talk about them to me as someone who had a crush on him. His attitude would change for a few weeks. His lack of attention was my fault. Then she wouldn’t turn out to be what he hoped. The last time he was describing an encounter his friend told him he had with a girl. The details were so in depth and erotic I couldn’t help but think he was sharing with me an experience he had and just used his friend name. I think he got off on sharing that with me thinking I didn’t know. I tolerated it because I didn’t live w him and we were both married to someone else. I think that is also why he shared it with me. I can’t prove it but his description was amazingly erotic. Hard to believe another guy came up with that.
idiot:
He was triangulating you with those other women he would tell you about…those crushes. My X spath was married and so was the woman he was triangulating me with so I am very familiar with this. I am single.
He was “telling” and projecting onto you the encounter with that girl; it was NOT his friend I can almost guarantee you. I can see why you would put up with it since you were both married. Don’t beat yourself up. We have all been there and some of us still are. Still trying to battle the demon. Hugs to you.
That’s what it is, Louise…you and I are both single and we were in a triangle with two other women: a married one and the wife. No wonder we understand one another so well.
Oh yes, I can see you really DO understand the same things as I do. Yah, well, you can’t beat yourself up about it for sure. It isn’t worth it. Not for the garbage that was deceiving US!
Yep..still trying to battle those demons, for sure.
I MADE IT PAST WEDNESDAY MORNING and it’s STILL quiet.
I just really, truly, don’t believe it. I guess maybe I have FINALLY gotten my point across.
On my way to nevah-nevah-land; nite nite.
Blessings ~ Dupey
Definitely Duped No More and Louise,
Freud once said that every love relationship actually involves four people: the man and his mother and the woman and her father! Well, I guess that means Duped and I were involved with at least TEN people, while Louise got off easy with a mere EIGHT! (at least I think that’s right?) – haha, I just thought of that and it made me smile….
Oh, and congratulations on your “re-christening” DDNM!