Why do psychopaths go after what they want regardless of the negative consequences they may experience? According to the journal Nature Neuroscience, the answer may be chemical—an overactive dopamine reward system.
Read Driven toward reward without regard for consequence on Time.com.
Read the scientific study, Mesolimbic dopamine reward system hypersensitivity in individuals with psychopathic traits, in Nature Neuroscience.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader via Facebook.
Our Family Wizard can help you co-parent with a sociopath
witsend:
“One of the ideas the police chief offer was that if I did refuse him access back into my house, although the law is not on my side, court proceeding and a judge ordering me to take him back in would buy a little “extra” time.
However what exactly does the court proceeding involve? In other words in laymans terms.
Would what I have tried to do thus far hold any weight in the courtroom. Trying to get him medical treatment/evaluations, filing incorigable, going through the program provided by the county, going to the police for advice, I mean would I need a lawyer to defend me?”
witsend, I am not sure what court such a proceeding would take place. I suspect it probably falls in family court. What the cop has told you is what people do every day of the week — drag your opponent into court to buy yourself time and get some leverage over him.
Trust me when I say that most people represent themselves in family court. How this would probably play out is first you refuse to take your son back. He’ll turn around and file a complaint with the cops or a social worker. They will than contact the county attorney or an attorney assigned to their division who will go into court demanding an emergency hearing. This is when you go in — you can go by yourself. You tell the judge you refuse to take him back because (a) your son is out of control and then give the evidence of every attempt you have made to get him help from the system and (b) that you are afraid for your own safety. The last part is key, because no judge is going to risk putting a kid into a situation where he may physically harm/kill his parent. Judges have to run for election in most parts of the country, afer all.
The judge will probably then order your son sent to either a foster home or a juvenile facility for an evaluation. The judge will also ask you if you have counsel. You tell him no and that you can’t afford counsel. He may, if he deems the situation sufficiently complicated, get counsel appointed for you.
Whether he does or not, the next hearing will probably be in 30 to 60 days (see how you’re buying time?). At that time your son’s lawyer and guardian ad litem and social worker and anybody else they appoint to this mess will come in and testify. This is where you’ll have to really dig in and say that nothing has changed — you are still afraid of your son and having him under your roof.
The judge may order you to take him back at this point. At this point I would make sure that the judge puts lots of conditions on his return to ensure your safety and that you can maintain control over the situation — sort of what Erin Brock was talking about. These conditions will give you leverage over your son. The first time he gets out of line — and you know he will get out of line, you call the cops.
And then you’ll be back in court to buy yourself more time.
I’m the first to admit that the next 8 months until he turns 18 ain’t gonna be a day at the beach for you. But, once your son sees that you have a judge in your corner, it may keep him somewhat under control, or force him to accelerate his departure plans.
Are you using (abusing) the system? You betcha. And I’m all for it. Especially since the genius judge ordered you to go through that ridiculous alternative program. Since it hasn’t worked, the judge hearing the case is going to be very careful since he doesn’t want your head on his plate.
Since I know you’ve got lots of documents, etc regarding your son’s history, I would organize it all in a binder, tabbed etc, with a summary up front. The judge may want to hear from the cops, counselors, etc who have been involved to date. However, for now I would pull the evidence together to take into court with you, since the judge is going to question you directly, and it is your job to convince him of points (a) and (b).
Matt,
Thanks so very much for this breakdown. It was just what I needed to hear. A step by step explanation of the process.
Your a great lawyer Matt, to take the time to explain all of this.
Many lawyers wouldn’t have given me this good of an explanation if I paid for it!
I hope your new boss appreciates you….
Spoken like a true DC attorney!!!
Wits:
I’m thinking, since Jr’s so close to 18….the judge may just push the hearings out so far and he ‘could’ aid you in ‘buying’ time…..since it’ll all be redundant (legally) in 8 months.
And if your offered an attorney….an attorney can ask for a new date…..in order to have time to ‘review’ the case.
I think you’ll get the immediate need (for you) taken care of….
But….I really do recommend a secuity system AND monitored cameras…..neither are expensive…..but WELL WORTH the expense…..the BEST investments Icould have ever made…..LONG TERM.
Erin, Kim, Gemini, Silver, Oxy, Conomo, Sabrina, And Learning,
thank you all for offering your support and taking the time and effort to offering me your ideas in my situation.
Learning, your always an inspiration to me with your patience and your ability to dig really deep to find solutions. Your incredibly kind heart always comes through to me in your post.
conomo, your offering support, hope I can do the same for you one day.
Sabrina, You said it all when you said that you are reading the book that you have already read. There is that unspoken bond, I feel with you. Because I know you have read this chapter. I miss you here on LF….
Oxy, You are my rock. I owe you big. Your always there for me. And I don’t think I could get through this w/o your wisdom and encouragement.
Silver, I love your ability to think outside the box. Your post have always inspired me, (even of not directed at me) as you have a wonderful outlook on life in general. And are gifted with the written word.
Kim, you are always a source of positive support. For everyone here on LF. And you are very sincere in your efforts. That comes through in your post.
Momma Gem, You are also a mother, who has read this familiar “book” and know what the chapters contain. These are some tough shoes to walk in. Thank God we have each other to fall back on.
Erin, Always willing to lend your hand and support. You are a never ending supply of good helpful information for everyone here. And if you lived closer to me I would bring you to court, with me, if I end up there. Because I would feel like I had a “lawyer” behind me.
Erin, from what you say about your son I honestly get a positive vibe from much of what you say about him. One of the biggest red flags I believe that you can’t ignore from an adolesent that displays these disturbing traits is that hatred.
Its not just anger they display it is much MORE than that. Hatred. And from many of the personal stories that are here on LF, evidentally the mother is the recipient of that hatred. not just in my case.
And also that he has times that you can reach him. I can’t claim that, ever. I never feel that he is reachable anymore. I still try. But to no avail.
And I haven’t heard you say that he lies consistantly and without fail. Many teeenagers will lie to get out of trouble. But constant lying is pretty hard to miss. And if he isn’t doing this, I see that as a positive.
He still has some respect for you. That is priceless. Embrace that.
What you said about him not being able to do a three step process. Without getting lost in the middle. That sounds more add or adhd to me than anything.
I think your boy still has alot of hope, I really do.
xxxx to everyone and those that I missed. I am so tired now I am sorry if I missed anyone.
Makes ya just wanna divorce your kids huh??At least a legal separation… Wits, I am glad to see that you are totally “getting” the fact that staying with you is not a good or safe option. It will be tough when he starts laying on the guilt trip when he is desparate to get back in. I felt alot of overwhelming anxiety about where and how my son would live. At one point, I was willing to pay his living expenses just to get him out.
It can leave you feeling torn between obligation (like he is my problem to deal with, etc) but he made a consistent CHOICE in making my life hell when living with me.
The fear of those usual “dead eyes” when they light up with predatory vengence is like nothing you could ever imagine unless youve lived to see it from a P. THAT ALONE sealed my decision, and still freaks me out to think about.
DO what you can Wits to keep him out- I know how hard that is, I hate to even advise it, but you will have the same results but with more and more escalated abuse/violence from him.
My son also threatened to do some things to my home. I was honestly surprised he didnt try- THE ONLY THING that I believe stopped him is that he knows how quickly I call the police on him, have him thrown in jail, and call my whole family in as back up when needed. OF course, we all know that that limited fear can always be overturned when the low impulse control of a P takes over. I do know that standing firm without cowering down on my rules has to remain OR he sees me as weak, therefore loathing me and feeling even the more superior and tyrannical.
Wits, Please keep your faith, its the only real power (thru God) that we really have, no one can take that away. Erin, so sorry you are struggling with your son as well. TAKE care all.
Wits,Your last post made me well up with tears, all that you are going thru, but you still think of all of us and encourage us as you do! I miss not being here as much too, and it means SO much that you said that!
I do feel a real bond with you as well. I have no problem getting you my personal email or #, if you would like to have it. There are other personal feelings/ideas that I have about my son’s disorder that I’d like to share, an get some opinions from you and other moms such as Oxy, and Erin, and others that have experienced this, but not sure if I am comfortable on such a public forum. I know that I was quoted at least once on the sociopath website with my exact blog appearing on the site some time last year. Not disturbing, but I am aware of the diverse groups involved here.
sabrina,
I would love to exchange emails. Let donna know and I will do the same.
🙂
Wits:
You know I certainly would be there for you in court….although I’m not a lawyer….not even close, but i’d hold your hand and stand there for you, but I also know…you’ve done your homework and if/when it comes to that……you;ll be your own successful advocate. 🙂
RE: my Jr.
I do have a ray of hope…..and quite frankly…things have been MUCH better and progress allowed since spath has been quiet and gone….THANK GOD FOR RESTRAINING ORDERS!!!!!
It has allowed him to grow on his terms, have peace, gain a bit of self esteem, see his possibilities without being shut down and see the world without the constant criticism from his father.
Every night….when he comes home….before bed, he wants me in his room to chat……just random chats……
If I leave to go to bed or put the dog out….he says hey….where ya going…..we haven’t finished talking.
THIS IS PROGRESS from the shut down child I had.
He does lie and he does manipulate…..but I also call bullshiat on him everytime…..
Like last weekend…..when he told me he was sick because he ate red meat…..but in reality….it was the 6 VODKA shots he did. I waited until he got home and gave him a minute…..then I went in and said….okay, ya wanna tell me the real reason your sick…..
He came right out with it…..and told me he only lied because he needed to come home and when he called me his friend was right there and he didn’t want his friend to think he was ‘ratting’ him out…..
he said….I was gonna tell you…..I am disappointed in myself because I did something I promised myself I woulnd’t do….I failed you and I failed myself…..He was in tears….along with the throwing up….but even this am he teared up about the situation…..
Judging by what his youth pastor told me today, and my own gut….this was genuine….
He wasn’t concerned in the least of me talking to the mother of the kid and who’s house they were at, he said he figured I would…..never asked not to……was resigned to the fact…..he wasn’t in control anymore. Said he was done with that friendship because he felt the friend pressured him….but HE ws the one who crumbled…..he has said NO thus far…..but he allowed himself to fall.
HE was thinking about this and in this manner…..THIS GIVES ME HOPE.
The fact he spoke to me about it….gives me hope.
The fact he speaks to me at all….gives me hope.
I spent the morning with his youth pastor…..now, all his male support are aware of ‘who’ he is…manipulations, lies, overrides, etc….and they also call bs on him…..THIS IS VERY HELPFUL.
I’ve reached out to everyone…and his revolving door has closed down…..NOW….it’s up to him…..and I think the ‘recipe’may be right….right now?????
WHo knows…..
I still don’t think he’s gonna graduate….but you know what….it’s his life….I’m NOT A FAILURE as a parent….I’ve done ALL and more that I could for him.
I won’t give him money and he’s gonna have to have a plan after JUNE.
I do have concerns about when the TPO is up in July….about spathy reappearing…..I’m hoping he’s got the point they want nothing to do with him…..or at least give THEM the space to aproach him….which I don’t think will happen…..but again…who knows…..I think maybe it might years down the road……and they will be instantly reminded HE HASN”T CHANGED.
I think he would benefit from another year of HS….for emotional reasons…..BUT….I DREAD the thought. Another year?????? 18 and no legal grounds….eesh!
I also know….his life after 18 is on him…..if he tows the line…I’ll be here….if not…..he’s moven on….
I know he’s starting to get the reality of the couch surfing ooption he thoguht was possible….and realizing this is temporary and nobody wants a schlag around….so he’s gotta come up with something to offer.
He has a lot of the ADD symtoms…..and the defiance I think goes along…..
It also inhibets him with school.
I think the way he was raised, and subjected to the constant put downs…..he’s ‘feeling the effects’ now….now that he’s ‘safe’ and in a peaceful environment….he does’t know how to live without the daily barage of putdowns….self esteem stabs and drama….
I do see him moving away from the drama attraction…..he used to get involved in any drama he could…..and create it if he could…..I called bs on this too……NOW….he points things out to me how his friends could handle things differently….
i think thespath being gone has removed him and allowed him to look at others situations subjectively and NOT jump in….but to learn about them from afar.
THis is growth…..
When he was small….he was the most compassionate and empathetic kid I knew….person even…..
I am now thinking the S sucked it out of him….possible?
I think he had a NOT good influence and other traumas at a hard time in his life…..
Now these are ‘dealt’ with…..I think …HOPE and PRAY that he blossoms back into the beautiful human I once knew in him…..
I appreciate your support and your insightful words wits….we gotta stick together….and you know what…..in the end….it WILL work out…..the clock doesn’t stop ticking for any of us!!!!
MUCH MUCH MOJO to you WITS!!!!!
XXOO
EB