Why do psychopaths go after what they want regardless of the negative consequences they may experience? According to the journal Nature Neuroscience, the answer may be chemical—an overactive dopamine reward system.
Read Driven toward reward without regard for consequence on Time.com.
Read the scientific study, Mesolimbic dopamine reward system hypersensitivity in individuals with psychopathic traits, in Nature Neuroscience.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader via Facebook.
Our Family Wizard can help you co-parent with a sociopath
Kim, having raised a child that was BIG TIME ADHD, and one who was a good kid, just WIGGGLY and having problems focusing without being distracted…but there are several TYPES, there is ADD (without the hyperactivity) etc. so a GOOD DIAGNOSIS by a pediactric psych MD I think is the way to go. In Arkansas we only have 6 certified Pedi psych MDs so they are hard to find and get in to.
MY ADHD son is VERY bright and was renever oppositionally definant however, he has some major issues of self esteem, and he will lie to keep from owning up to something he wants to do even if he knows it is breaking a promise. He is not psychopathic though. He just isn’t as functional or honest as I wish he was, and due to taht, my “relationship” with him from here on out unless he gets some real insight is going to be VERY limited. He holds down a job and does very well at his work which is extremely detailed.
Like many ADHD kids (he’s 40 now) he is ADDICTED to video games and that IS HIS LIFE, HIS ESCAPE, AND his only close friends share that same addiction. He spends his money poorly because he puts buying computers and upgrades first on his lists of “must haves” without considering that next month his car may break down. He will probably always live on the edge of poverty because of those choices and poor financial planning.
I’ve given him all the opportunities he needed to reverse this, but he chose to give in to his IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION FOR TOYS and then to LIE TO ME ABOUT IT. It wasn’t like he didn’t have the RIGHT to spend his money the way he wanted to, bet it on horse races if he wanted to, he earned it, but as long as I was GIVING HIM AN OPPORTUNITY to live here so he COULD save money, and he was ABUSING that opportunity by not using it, and then LYING TO ME ABOUT IT….I choose not to enable him to have more money for his poor choices and to not benefit himself financially.
This isn’t the first time this has happened, so it wasn’t just the ONE LIE that caused me to say “ENOUGH” it was the ONE MORE LIE, when I thought we were on the same page about 100% honesty between familoy members.
Remember, he cut off contact with my egg donor (his grandmother) BECAUSE SHE LIED TO HIM. Yet, for some reason he believed it was okay for him to lie to me? Nah! I don’t believe that for one moment that he thought it was okay, he was just more interested in doing what he wanted to about spending the money, and STILL have the ADVANTAGES of living here. But he had justified it by telling himself and his friends that hhis mom is a biatch! Oh, well….his problem, not mine.
Jr. was also VERY strong willed….with everything….
his opinions, what he wore, the way he wore his hair…..you just couldn’t tell himanything….
He also threw the gnarlyest temper tantrums….very young….
Very destructive…..would destroy his room at 3 years old…..throw plants through windows etc….i mean destroy!!!
No one witnessed this behaviorfrom Jr, excect the S or Me…..so trying to describe it was difficult.
The kid had some power in his anger…..
I still wonder (and often think this will be revealed, but I can’t inquire to JR about it) if the S molested him….., and this anger was the result. I have no situations I can recall…..and being molested myslef….I was hypersensative to it, but I thought his father was safe…he was his father….but I dont’ think this behavior and only at home was normal…..
In 3 rd grade he developed these stomach aches…..EVERYNIGHT…..around midnight….he’d wake up and have diahreah and vomitting for about an hour..every night…..stomach cramping severe……he always had nightmares….and would scream…..I took him to Dr. after Dr….I thought he must have had something really really wrong to be so sick….yet up and ready to leave the house in the am for school……
He had nightmares up until the past year……he’s share em with me…..VIAL, murderous nightmares……of his father killing me…..they were very real and vivid the way he described them…..
He has slept well for about a year….hmmmmm coincidence…..I’m thinking NOT!
Knowing what I know now…..this is a sign of abuse….the stomach aches in kids…..the nightmares, the acting out……SOMETHING was going on…..
I was protecting him from the ‘world’ of evil…..outside…..but I should have been looking at the man I married and fathered children with…..THEIR FATHER…..
I watched the news last night about that 4 year old they just found dead in the dufflebag…..the mother is backing the BF…who was arrested for his murder……she said the day before, the child didn’t go to school…..because he had a tummy ache.
I thought…..HMMMMMMM.
He was diagnosed with food alergies, so this ‘gave me answers’ I thought to the stomach aches…..
But funny enough…..it was all at the same time he was pulling away from his father…..
Jr. still wanted to be on whatever sports team S coached….but it NEVER ended or started well…..each season was TORMENT…..I see he was trying to please his father…..but never could.
The last year S coached…..S was kicked out of our local rec league, so he went to the next town over, who was hurting for coaches….actually didn’t have a coach….they were thrilled to have him……even knowing his documented background…..(this confirmed to me, he really was a great guy…..I must be wrong about him)….look the boys and girls club is happy to have him….and he didn’t have a criminal record.
But Jr didn’t want to play…..wasn’t going to play…..and at the last minute…as S left for practice…..Jr. said he wanted to play…..I said to him…..it’s okay that you don’t want to play…..he said…NO, he had changed his mind…..
Jr.was always vying for his fathers approval and attention…..(hmmm Just like me)
It was 6th grade and a TERRIBLE year….once again…..
S would call him names like pu&&y and Fa@.......@ot, whimp and girly girl……AT PRACTICE…..and I never saw it…..
One kid after the fact, told me how S treated Jr, how he approached other kids to ‘toughen’ up his son……I was shocked…..I still had the blinders on….AND THIS WAS HIS SON…….noone would do this to their own son…..NO ONE!
NO ONE…..expect a SOCIOPATH!
It was always about HIM…..he was an opera singer…always singing the me, me, me,me,me,me.meeeeeeee song……
He only wanted to win…….WINNING was everything…..he taught the kids how to play dirty, throw elbows when ref’s weren’t looking,, justified and rewarded aggressive behavoirs……
HOW SICK…..AND NOW I SEE IT…..
AND NOW I SEE THE DAMAGE WHICH HAS BEEN DONE…..to my kids!!!!!
I hope I can help reverse it……and allow them to live an authentic, peaceful life……
I’m sorry for the long posts…..I think things just struck me……and I just had an apiphany….
Sabrina:
I hope the sun shines in your heart today,despite what it’s doing outside!!!!
Kim,
One thing I would do with your grandchildren regardless of anything else is to take alot of extra time to teach them empathy.
Everyday in some way try and teach them to have that ability to really, “put themselves in someone elses shoes”.
When kids are young this is pretty easy to do if you look for the opportunity. If they see a “bully” situation. Ask them how they think that child felt being bullied? I would even take it a step further and ask them what they might think the bully was feeling when he did this to the other child? Empathy is all about trying to understand what others might be feeling.
Do the same with animals if they have any. How do you suppose the dog felt when he didn’t have any water….Because no one remembered to put some down for him.
I don’t think that you can “overdo” teaching empathy.
And although the experts might disagree with me, my personal opinion is that if a person has empathy, they also seem to have the ability to give and recieve love, and compassion, kindness, and all of the other important ingredients to be a good person.
Also while doing this it opens up the door for kids to express their OWN feelings about things, ESPECIALLY boys.
“How did that make you feel when the teacher yelled at you for disrupting the class”, ect…
Encourage them to express their feelings outloud. and then validate ther feelings.
I am sure you do these kinds of things already but I would put an EXTRA emphasis on this if I had to do this all over again with my son.
I did not see that he was lacking these things as a child.
But he certainly is lacking them now. And somehow I think that empathy is right up there as the MOST important thing you can teach them.
Oxy, and EB, thanks for the feed-back.
My GS also loves the video games. I took it to be a sign that he wasn’t ADD, ’cause after all, he could sit for hours and focus on the game….
When he was about 3 I thought he was spoiled rotten, because his parents seemed to dote on him, not discipline and he was wild, wild, wild. Also, huge temper tantrums…but for the most part he’s really grown into a pleasant kid, and i’m very pleased…but I worry some, especially if he’s held back a second time…that’s got to be hard on a kid’s self-esteem.
I have many regrets about how I parented, too.
My issues with my X took precedent to my childrens peace of mind…I was pretty selfish…fighting all the time…but ya know, if we’d known better we’d have done better, and I think we have to forgive ourselves.
EB, I don’t know if there was sex abuse going on in your home or not, but it sounds like Dads verbal abuse was pretty over the top, and was probably enough to give Jr. stomache-aches and diahhrea.
That’s so sad, cause he was obviously a sensitive kid who wanted to please.
But, thank God he’s in a better place now…He’s got a very wise Mom who is doing an incredable job. I don’t think you can over-do the positive reinforcement, but I think you should stick to your guns as far as your expectations go.
If you keep your expectations high, he will rise to the occasion. I think we make a mistake when we lower our expectations because the kid interprets that to mean you don’t believe in him….I hope that makes sence…JMHO.
Oxy, I hope your relationship with C. can recover from that blow last Dec. I DO think you made the right decision in asking him to leave. It’s definately time he HAD to stand on his own, and suffer the consequences of his choices.
Detach with love…
As much as I hate being forced to grow-up and go out there, get a job, and be responsible for myself…it’s the best thing that could happen.
I’ve got a job interview tommorow…… 🙂
Sabrina,
I contacted Donna to exchange emails. Once you contact her she will send along the information.
Thanks, Witty. I agree with you. Empathy is key.
Thankfully my daughter know that, too and has always gone the extra mile here. She started to teach him emotional intelligence when he was very small. He could identify and express his emotions very well.
She read some good books on the topic. She’s a good mom.
I probably haven’t made a concsience effort to educate for empathy, but will try from here on out.
Thankfully I don’t see it as a problem, he seems to be very empathetic, but it’s scarey to me that you said you never saw it lacking in Jr. either.
Thanks again for the reminder that there is the opportunity in every day. 🙂
Dear EB,
Is it possible for you to get counseling for your son? It sounds to me like he is ACTING out all right, but there is some other stuff as you have mentioned that might be the DEEPER problem and that though he is a TYPICAL “troubled Teen” it doesn’t sound so much like psychopathy to me either.
With your help, and some counseling, maybe he could make it to a better place. Might even decide to get a GED or continue school and actually graduate. BUT, I think your “tough love” stance is a good one, and the “help” you give him is contingent on HIM HELPING HIMSELF. You are probably right that he is NOT able, doesn’t have the skill set, to “make it” on his own, so you are probably his LAST CHANCE and if he can recognize that and realize that and decide to TAKE THAT CHANCE, he might just be salvagable after all.
With my P-son, I kept giving him chance after chance while really ENABLING him, backing down on the boundaries, and also with son C as well. Though C isn’t a psychopath, he doesn’t have successful coping history though I deluded myself he was “learning”—DUH!? But that’s his problem not mine. C didn’t take advantage of the opportunities he had and chose to lie to me which cut off our relationship at the knees.
I hope that your son can SEE the handwriting on the wall and come to his senses enough to make some better decisions.
Love him, be supportive of him, and don’t make the mistakes I did in enabling a kid. I think you are on the right track.
When I was going through the P son’s box of letters and such I ran across the “contract” we had signed when he had been caught by the cops in the middle of the night joyriding in one of the family cars WITHOUT A LICENSE. Boy, was THAT a waste of time! LOL Shortly after that, was when I caught him out at night again and he kicked my ribs in and fled to go live with my egg donor AGAINST MY WILL!
We played that TRIANGLE game a lot. Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. We changed “chairs” and roles and positions on that triangle a lot but the hard core game now is P-son is the VICTIM and egg donor the rescuer and I am the persecutor trying to keep the poor darling in prison for the rest of his life.
And round and round it goes, where it stops no one knows, just like a twisted game of “musical chairs” VICTIM-RESCUER-PERSECUTOR-VICTIM-RESCUER-PERSECUTOR.
EB – I just read your long post upthread.
I was the kid in my family who felt and expressed the pain of the family. I didn’t act out in anger, i turned it in on myself, but i felt every freaking bump along the road.
that he was like this – says to me that he feels a great deal, but is not able to sort what is his, and what comes from other people.
i know i needed protection. i know i didn’t have a clue on how to create it – and i mean on an empathic level (not an empathetic level…well, i didn’t know how to do that either…) and i needed, as a kid, a way to contain/ express all those intense feelings that were both mine and others. and there was no way. so i acted in. it was painful and pervasive.
if he can be helped, i am confident that you will help him and find him help. you shine bright.
Witsend, Ok I will do the same, thanks..:)