Today I would like to reach out to everyone here on this site. I have been deeply touched by your comments and on-going conversations, and I feel so much of the pain and confusion that many of you are still experiencing. Your stories resonate so strongly with me on numerous levels — because I’ve been there too. I know how it feels. I ache for each and every one of you who is currently going through the heartbreak and insanity. And I’m here to tell you, today, that it WILL get better. You WILL come through — particularly with the help and support of sites like this — and there WILL come a time when you can look back at where you are now, recognize all you have achieved and give yourself a huge great pat on the back. I know this road is painful. I know it’s fraught with dangers. I also know from my own experience that it’s a road that leads to someplace better than I could possibly have imagined back then. So, in my opinion, it’s a hugely valuable journey — although there were certainly moments when it didn’t feel that way!
When I first discovered the extent of my soul mate’s betrayals, I honestly thought that I would die from the pain. It was excruciating. Not just emotional, but physical as well — I’m quite sure that I actually felt and heard the sinews snapping as my heart ripped in two. The days were horrific and the nights were torturous — nightmares haunted my sleep, and when I awoke I found myself still caught in the murderous grip of a ghastly and terrifying dream. But there was no escape. For this was no dream. It was my reality. And, like it or not, I had to deal with it.
Why Had This Happened To Me?
No matter where I went, no matter what I did, no matter who I talked with, I could not get away from the daily torture that had suddenly become my reality. I admit that there were times when the pain was so bad that I actually considered the alternative to living. I have never been so desperate — and I have never felt so alone. And the worst part of it was that nobody seemed to understand what had happened — least of all me. I had given everything to my husband, and I loved him with all of my heart, all of my soul, and with every nerve cell and fiber of my being. Where had I gone so wrong? Why did the man I loved treat me so badly? How could I have been so blind?
The questions ran round and round my head — taunting me, poking at my wounds and eating away at my confidence. Yes, I judged myself over and over again, much more harshly than even the meanest jury — and it hurt. It hurt like hell. People would tell me with the best of intentions that things go wrong in even the best marriages. They assured me that I would eventually pull through. They promised that I would heal and they even dared to venture that one day I would find love again. But I couldn’t hear them — I wouldn’t hear them. I convinced myself that mine was no ordinary marriage. I told myself that I had been lucky enough to find true love — and stupid enough to ruin it. That my husband was one in a million. That I’d never ever feel so safe and so loved ever again. Oh yes, my mind did a really good job on me in the beginning!
For me, the turning point came some ten weeks after he vanished from my life the evening I discovered his betrayals, when an old friend emailed me with the suggestion that my estranged husband was in fact a sociopath. I was in bed at the time, another restless night, bloodshot puffy eyes and the heavy heart that had become my constant companion. The email had arrived on my iPhone — I had never heard the word sociopath before and I started to get curious. I quickly found Dr Hare’s checklist and my eyes widened as I ticked off just about every point. A few minutes later I found the Lovefraud website, and was both horrified and relieved to find out that I was not alone. As I read the countless stories from people, just like me, who had also been lured and conned by a heartless sociopath, I started to believe that perhaps I could wake up from my living nightmare. Knowing that it was not me who had been stupid, realizing that I had been a deliberate target, and understanding that I had found a place where people shared my experiences and empathized with my pain, I took my first faltering steps on the slow road to recovery.
It’s Personal Now
I’m not saying that it was easy — far from it in fact. But from that moment I decided to keep focused on the fact that I had not been dealing with a ”˜normal’ person. I distanced myself from the last connecting emotions that were binding me to him, and concentrated instead on my own feelings. I knew in that moment that in order to heal myself, I would need to confront my own emotional patterns — many of which were still subconscious. I would need to venture in to the parts of me that I had locked up and hidden away. To open up old scars I thought had healed long ago — and to take a long honest look at who I was and how I had become such an attractive target.
From that moment on I became a friend to myself. The self-berating stopped — as did the vulture-like questions that had circled me for so many weeks. No more did I question why this had happened or what I had done to deserve such a cruel betrayal. Instead I focused on how I could move myself through the pain and re-claim my life. In a very short time I even dared to start considering what sort of life I’d like to create for myself — going in to great detail about how I would feel once I’d achieved it. I didn’t think about how it might happen or what I might need to do — nope, I just focused on how I would like to feel. I even managed a laugh when I realized just how divorced my chosen feelings were from the ones I was currently experiencing!
That was when I realized that, against all my best intentions, I alone had been keeping myself a prisoner in my misery. Yes, you read it right — the gatekeeper, the warden was not him at all”¦ it was ME. Because I’d kept on torturing myself long after he had gone.
So I had a choice. To support myself through what I knew was going to be a difficult journey, or to keep asking myself hurtful questions that only served to keep me stuck in my suffering. I chose the first option.
Dealing With The Practicalities
At that time I was absolutely penniless. I had closed our business, I had no work and to top it all I was strapped up in a full leg-brace because I’d had an accident and torn the cruciate ligament in my left knee. I couldn’t drive, I could hardly walk, and I had no idea how on earth I was going to survive — let alone support my son. But I focused on the things I knew that I could do — and one of the first things was to re-claim my home. I threw out anything and everything that reminded me of him, and I put up all the photographs and ornaments that I’d hidden away because he hadn’t liked them. I hobbled around the village and collected fruit from the trees, teaching myself how to make jams and chutneys that I knew I could give to friends for Christmas presents. I kept firmly focused on the idea that I was taking control of my life — of who I was and of how I chose to live — and my internal mantra became “everything I need is already within me” so that, even though the bills were coming thick and fast, I refused to be overwhelmed. I kept on top of my finances by selling everything I didn’t need on Ebay — it’s really quite amazing what some people will buy! It’s true that one person’s rubbish is gold to another — thank goodness!
All the time that I was doing the practical stuff, I also went deeply in to my emotional healing. I read and re-read all my self-development books (Louise L Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” being a particularly old and trusted favorite), I scoured the internet for positive stories, and I learned all I could about sociopathy. I devoured stories that inspired me — personal, honest accounts from people who had overcome difficulties, as well as stories from people who had been through a similar set of experiences as my own. I chose my friends, and only spent time with people who energized me, refusing to deal with the mood-hoovers who threatened to sap my positivity and bring me down. I ate healthily and I made sure to get out and about as often as I could — I became quite the expert at shuffling along on my crutches!
It was by no means straight forward, and I fell at many hurdles along the way. But I remained focused and determined — and always gave myself credit for even the tiniest of steps. And slowly, slowly I started to heal. I was open, honest and gentle with myself at every step of the way. When, some days, I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, I would stay there. No guilt, no beat-up, just the acknowledgement that my body was telling me to rest. When I felt overcome with emotion, I would let it happen. Never again was I going to stay quiet or bottle up painful feelings that just needed to come out. So, yes, there were times when I encouraged myself to shout, sob and wail until I was exhausted. Times when I let myself sink in to the pain and hurt — knowing that each time I did so another part of me would heal.
And it worked.
Slowly slowly I began to re-connect with myself. Little by little I started to re-claim my life and bit-by-bit I once again dared to start dreaming. I began to like the reflection I saw in the mirror, and I made sure every day to be thankful for all the good things that were around me — even if on the bad days the only thing I could find to be grateful for was the fact I was still breathing! I stuck loads of messages of support around my home — some from friends, as well as messages to myself. Everywhere I looked there were reminders that I AM ok, that I AM loved and that I AM surrounded by friends who care. In the process I lost some friends, made some new ones, and deepened connections with many old friends who happened to re-appear in my life. I blessed the daily miracles that were helping to transform my life and I re-awakened my belief in magic.
Where I Am Now
Today, two and a half years on from that soul-defining evening when I discovered the truth, I am chuffed to bits to tell you that my life now is better than I could ever have imagined. My business is once again up and running (better and more profitable than ever it was when I ran it with my ex!), I have lost 25lbs in weight (the fat is just melting away), I am authoring here on this site, I have just landed a book deal with an international publisher, and my social life is richer than it’s ever been before. I am happy, content, safe and hugely excited for the future.
So I’m here to tell you that you CAN make it through. If I can do it, then you can too. I’m here as living proof that the human soul is stronger than we think — and that we CAN heal, no matter how devastating or overwhelming the damage might seem at the time. As I said, I experienced many moments when I thought it would be better to die — and, in a way, I suppose I have ”˜died’. Because when I look back now at the person I was when I was trapped in such a toxic relationship, I simply cannot recognize myself. And now, as I review the journey I’ve taken since then, I am filled with pride and love for myself for achieving so much. Yes, maybe the old me died — but it’s been worth it, because now I am living in paradise, and I know the best is yet to come!
I hope this has been helpful — I would be happy to answer any questions so please feel free to email me at mel@lovefraud.com.
With much love and blessings to all.
Welcome Dawn,
So sorry for your encounter, but you’ve come to the right place to learn and to heal.
Hi Dawn,
I just wandered in here only about 1 month ago myself. I know what you mean by NO ONE understanding or believing you.
Then I came to this place and realized that the only people who truly get it are others who have been through it with an spath.
Like Ox said, I wish you didn’t have to be here. The sheer size of this group actually makes me so upset, because I think of all the people here and then just imagine that there must be at least this many spaths running around destroying lives. I wish this website/blog was made redundant and had no need to exist. Until then, here we are, the survivors.
I think horror movies set us all up. When I finally told my mom, she was perplexed, still is. They just see an ax murderer when you say sociopath or psychopath. The hardest part is the people who have MET or spoken to the person you are now telling them did all those things, because sociopaths really do not look the part.
Another hard thing is the way people throw that word around. I know that disgruntled ex girlfriends and boyfriends throw out, “Oh, he/she was a total psychopath!” Then when we use this same word, people kinda laugh, thinking oh we must be just holding a bitter grudge. So far, I’ve dealt with this by stopping for a moment, reminding myself that they don’t mean any harm, waiting for their rolling eyes and giggling to stop, and then saying, “No, I mean a real one.” Then comes some silence as they just look at you for a minute.
These people are fantastic Dawn and welcome! I hope this place helps. Read through all the literature on healing and being hooking by an spath (that’s what has helped me) and stay tight with the people in here. They are a wealth of information.
Hello everyone and THANK YOU Mel for this story.
I am new here. I have been reading this website for about 5 months now. This article from Mel, really hit home with me. I would like to share my story with you, in hopes that it will help someone else like myself identify the signs and hopefully you won’t feel alone any longer”.This is a bit long, feel free to jump around”.
I was married to my spathex for 4 years. I saw red flags before marriage, but chose to ignore them. Outbursts and the like. I met him through my work. He was newly single (his girl friend of many years had just moved out of the state to get away from him). I was divorced for about a year from my first husband who switched teams, literally, to my surprise.
Then single and taking care of my 2 small children and my ailing mother who was also living with me at the time, and dealing with my first ex-husbands new lifestyle. I was exhausted. My spath preyed on me at a time in my life when I was vulnerable. But from my eyes, he was my knight in shining armor. He gave me a bit of distraction from the craziness in my life. He was sexy. Light blue eyes, charming, confident, lover of sports and many seemed to really like him. What I didn’t know, was his past. He was a recovering alcoholic who hadn’t drank in over 10 years but lied and started drinking when we began dating, stating that he just started and can control it now, not like in his early 20’s. He had domestic charges from his ex-girl friend, assault charges from previous fights with men. I was blind. He encouraged me to sell my house and move in with him after 6 months, we were then married at one year. So fast, I know now.
The games started immediately. He would be mad if I wanted to go out with my co-workers after work for a drink. If invited friends over, he would make it miserable so they wouldn’t want to ever come back. I could only take phone calls during the day when he wasn’t around. Evening time was for him. He then started getting mad if I spent too much time with my children, from my first marriage.
He was jealous or angry if I didn’t text or call him constantly on the phone throughout the day. Thought that I was having an affair every time I left the office on a sales call and came back later than expected, which was all day long! Told me I had to wear clothing that didn’t come in a V-neck any longer, as too sexy and that was what all the men were looking at. He was later fired from his position for lying about something, I never got the full story. Within a couple days, after that, I was offered another marketing position with another company in my same town, and he encouraged me to take that. But later became angry as this new position opened me up to meeting even more new people and having more fun, without him. My co-workers couldn’t stand him. I then had to keep some of my events that I had to attend a secret, to keep him from getting angry. Somehow, he always found out.
The police were at our home many times but I just asked them to have him removed or taken to his parents. We live in a small town, and I didn’t want the public to know, as they publish everything in our local paper. I have a job where I work with many people in our community and I didn’t want them to know the “weak” woman. To many in my community, I am the strong, smiling, happy, and confident woman, but that all changed when I would walk in my door at home.
Every time he would abuse me, he would apologize and beg me to come home. I would believe him and I was scared. He threatened to kill me if I ever left him.
Well, after 4 years, I gathered the strength and I did it anyway. I moved all our stuff out while he was at work one Tuesday morning. And the Sherriff served divorce papers as he pulled in the driveway. I took all the debt, ALL of it, so he wouldn’t come after me and so that he wouldn’t break any more things in the house. He walked away a free man. Divorced in about 4 months.
That sounds great, but the relationship didn’t end. I wasn’t living with him, but we secretly kept in contact, my family would have disowned me if they knew. I believed that maybe we could work this out and may be down the road we would someday be together again. I truly believed him. I forgot about all the pain and sorrow he caused in my life and more importantly, my children’s lives. When my children were at their dad’s, I would spend the weekend with him, and some nights became scary, but he was controlling his anger to keep me there.
After about a year after I had moved out, we were still seeing one another secretly. But then he started seeing a girl friend about 4 months ago. He lied about it at first but then he said did that because I wasn’t fulfilling his needs, you know it was my fault, again. Since then, we had been still secretly together until last month. He kept telling me he was going to break up with her, but couldn’t yet. He would tell me she call him enough or spend any time with him and that I just needed to hang on and wait for him. But why? What was I getting out of this relationship? Sex was amazing, but that was it. No true companionship. What he didn’t know is that his cell phone records are still coming to me and I could clearly see that wasn’t true. I finally had the strength, to tell him no more. And now, for a week now, began the no contact.
After reading so many stories here, I now get it. He was using me. But I am still weak. I still have this sick feeling in my stomach, even though I am angry with him, I still miss something. Why is that? He drives by my house on the way to the golf course with his girlfriend. He has moved on, and I am still sitting here. He is doing things with her that he never did with me. I have to admit I am jealous. But tell me why? I should be glad that he is out of our lives, right? But why do I hang on? I am a smart and successful woman. What is wrong with this picture? I am worried that this other woman is prettier or thinner than me. Does that make sense?? NO!!!!
My friends, my coworkers or my family don’t understand why this is still hurting me. They said, be glad he is with someone else now. You’re free! Your children are thriving, which they are! I have a hard time not thinking about him several times a day. Time”Time”Time. I know.
He texted me 3 days ago that since I had not responded to any of his texts since last Wednesday, that he told me he misses me and just wants to be my friend, but he would leave me alone from now on. I didn’t respond.
I have to mention that I have a large bunch of girl friends that have given me strength and who have been there for me, even though they don’t understand. And I have had more fun these last 4 months that I have had in a long time. I have had a freedom that I haven’t had in a long time. And in the last year, I have been able to spend quality time with my children that I was never able to before. I have gotten attention from several men, but I still can’t and am not ready for a relationship until I am healed. And I really don’t think it’s fair to bring anyone into my children’s lives again, until they are grown.
So my question is”..What the hell is wrong with me?? And how long is this gonna take?? I am not crying but feel like an addict!?! I have got to move on. So why is it so damn hard? I understand from all the blogs and articles that I have written. And hearing so many people with the same story, as mine, I wanted to post my thank you to all of you, for helping me get to this point in my life. These are baby steps but I am getting there. This story by Mel really hit home for me today. And reading the responses from so many that are right where I am, helps me gain strength. This group of individuals on this website are the few who truly understand. And I am thankful.
P.S. Sorry so long. Just had to release my story.
Dear Deb,
YOU ARE AN ADDICT AND THAT’S WHY YOU FEEL THAT WAY….he has chemically addicted you to the drama. READ AND READ AND READ more and more of the articles about “what is a sociopath” and about healing, and GIVE YOURSELF TIME.
There is a great book I recommend called “The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick Carnes, it is about how our brains become addicted to them and their drama. The sex causes releases of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, so you are right, you ARE an addict, but you can over come this just like I quit smoking. But even now, two years later, sometimes I want a cigarette! But I have not and will not smoke…or allow anyone else to abuse me. You can do it, you are at the right place with the right encouragement. Glad you also have some friends in the real world. They may not understand but it is still supportive to have them. Good luck. and Again, welcome to LF! God bless.
Panther…most people think that the definition of a “sociopath” is a serial killer.
I just tell people that I was involved with an abuser,con-artist, pathological liar, theif, and cheater.
Or I tell them that I was married to “Scott Peterson”, since
he even looked like him..a bit more handsome…His eyes were hypnotic….This they can understand.
Even my lawyer said to me during the divorce…”I can’t put my finger on it…but he is one strange and scary man…I would run as far away from him as possible and don’t expect a thing from him…”
Funny, but the first time I met him…I couldn’t put my finger on what was “weird” about him. I thought he was high on pot…because of his “laugh” at everything…
He did have “inappropriate laughter’…which I addressed with his mom prior to marrying him. If you tell him someone died or was hurt…he bursts out laughing…..omg…he was so weird.
I never wanted him back when I told him our marriage was over. I don’t even think I ever really loved him…or liked him for very long. I only liked the illusion of him I created in my mind.
The xbf wasn’t abusive…just sneaky and lied too much by ommission…
As I heal, I am more attracted to “normal” men. I see red flags and I listen to them…never doubt my intuition again!
`
People will sometimes laugh when they are nervous…I’ve seen and heard the nervous laughter before…I even do it myself sometimes.
Thats what his mother said. But, we all do that. His was different. When I would look at him and say…”Whats so funny that a middle school boy died while running track?”…He would say…”Thats funny, no?”
He was diagnosed by a very competent professional…who told me NOT to take him back…a few weeks prior to the divorce, when he begged me…(only to get the court order for 20k dismissed..then he would leave me again!)…and this therapist said…” He has NO empathy…he is INCAPABLE of loving ….and in all my years I have never told anyone to divorce. I’m telling you to RUN from this man.”
I’m glad I did.
My girls would not be honor students who are happy all of the time. He would have destroyed their self esteem and they would have learned to take abuse!
dear 2B,
I”m glad you LISTENED to that therapist! I have NOT listened to warnings too many times. You are right though, now I listen to my own instinct and any warnings I have from others as well.
Louise, your post above about “sometimes people laugh when they are nervous” is a perfect example of “dismissing” our intuitions by looking at it from a perspective of “I sometimes laugh when I am nervous, therefore when others laugh inappropriately, they are probably like me.”
WE have empathy and WE have compassion, and WE laugh when we are nervous, therefore we ASSUME that others are the same, but they are NOT. (Not putting you down here BTW just showing how good people can attribute their OWN goodness to others who don’t deserve it.)
The two wiener girls and I are so sad. We miss Harley so much, this really hurt’s, I thought I was prepared for this. I have to go away (work) for a few days, I can take the girls with me, Harley loved to go..it’s gonna be hard to leave him here all alone.