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By | March 2, 2015 39 Comments

Recover from the sociopath by acknowledging the pain

Editor’s note: Last year, Lovefraud published a letter from a reader whom we called “Bessy.” It was entitled, “The only hope I have is that Karma exists.” This is a follow-up letter from Bessy.

My ex has not contacted me in 9 months and I know I should feel lucky, but I feel even more inadequate and unlovable than he made me feel back then. Why do I hear of boomerangs and “they always come back” stories and my phone is silent. Was “I” that bad???

I was vulnerable

I think I was attracted and vulnerable in the first place because I was at a crossroads, facing losing my mother, alcoholic brother, sending my only two kids off to college and divorcing after 24 years.

My whole life was me being “straight and narrow, dependable, a rock.”  Then HE came along, seemingly “sympathetic” but now I know he was just fishing for information, and became everything “fun” in my life that I hadn’t had in YEARS.

I didn’t drink; guess where he took me. Clubs. I began to drink, a lot.   I normally was in bed by 9 pm due to working 50 hour weeks; guess what he did–kept me out until all hours, sitting on rooftops under the stars, sneaking under “closed” park fences to sit by the rushing river.

It WAS intoxicating–at first.  Then it dawned on me that IF he cared, he would not keep me out until 3 a.m. knowing I had to get up at 5.  His schedule was “flexible.”  Mine wasn’t.  Because more often than not, I was under the influence of alcohol, and that’s when he “disclosed” secrets, either thinking I wouldn’t remember or I wouldn’t care.

I can “out” him

I want to believe he is scared of me: I can “out” him on many levels (particularly his criminal background as a child sex offender—his own stepdaughter who he says “provoked” him by wearing skimpy clothes and brushing up against him after her showers in only a towel. She was 11). My sane self says I am lucky I am not bothered; my ego self says I am disposable, not worthy of even a sociopath’s attention, etc. etc. PLEASE tell me I am normal.

I got kicked off a site I got a lot of help from in my early No Contact days, but I was a mess—literally lying in a fetal position on the floor for weeks crying. I asked, I guess, a prohibited question: What is the difference between his Silent Treatment and my going No Contact? I meant no harm to other members, I truly wanted to know (I know now). But I was immediately booted and am sad about that, I was getting terrific advice.

Still under my skin

But then part of me thinks sociopaths are scared of nothing, so why is he silent? And why do I need the satisfaction of waiting every day for his call or text, only to stick to NC and have the “upper hand.” Nothing about this is easy; and my “relationship” was only a year. After 9 months, I am STILL a mess, although better, but like I’ve read, a break-up with a sociopath is NOT the same as any other. He is STILL under my skin, every day, 24/7, and I can’t talk to anybody because they don’t “get it.” Even my therapist brushed me off.

Quit my job

I’ve had to quit the job (he was a co-worker) and have not found employment and feel rejected in that way as well. I’ve gained 40 lbs back from the almost 80 I lost. I’m just SAD. I bounce from sad to mad, but always just end up feeling invisible ”¦ after a whirlwind of noise and activity to nothing; the silence is deafening. I keep busy, got a puppy, volunteer. Not the same.

But then again, I DO NOT want all that craziness back. No way. I’m just feeling ”¦ erased. How can a person profess love one day and erase you the next? He’s going on with his life, and I’m STILL stuck.

Sociopath/Narcissist/Psychopath—I still want to know “what” he is; although it makes no difference I guess. From all my readings over the months, I think he is the worst kind—a combination of them all for which I should be grateful he is silent.

Promise ring

I recently saw a movie called “Fatal Honeymoon” about Gabe Watson and was astonished that my ex did some of the exact things Watson did. I got the “promise ring” I had more than hinted at, and oh yeah, he got it for me—but showed me the bag and put it on the top closet shelf (not in plain sight like Watson, but still) and said he’d give it to me “after you do X ”¦ or need to show me you can behave this way ”¦” or just when we were watching TV, just get up and go to the closet and wave the bag and smile and put it back. That was awful!! He was not patient by any means like Watson who waited over six months; but it was still close to two weeks probably before he gave it to me.

Erased me

Pathological lying, the put-downs, the porn and secret life. The cell phone obsession, showering and sleeping with it “in case work calls.”

The lies I even discover now, rehashing things in my mind that didn’t make sense then but I was to busy being gaslighted and all his word salad crap.

Why would I even want to see him again? I don’t. But yes, I am HURT that he erased me so easily. I expected to hear SOMETHING, even something mean or accidental or ”¦ I don’t know. But I feel like a nothing.

Donna Andersen responds

Dear Bessy,

I am so sorry that you are still struggling, even though the sociopath has been out of your life for more than nine months.

Your story highlights an important truth: When a sociopath comes into our lives, recovery has nothing to do with him or her, and everything to do with us.

In your case, the answer is in the words you have written. Here’s where you said you were when he came into your life:

I was at a crossroads, facing losing my mother, alcoholic brother, sending my only two kids off to college and divorcing after 24 years.

And here’s how you describe how you are feeling now:

My sane self says I am lucky I am not bothered; my ego self says I am disposable, not worthy of even a sociopath’s attention.

Can you see the common denominator here? It’s loss of relationships and emptiness. That is what needs to be healed.

You don’t really want the sociopath back in your life. You want relationships back in your life. Of course, you’ve also written that you’re volunteering and have acquired a puppy, but still feel empty. Why? Because what you really need is a deep emotional healing, not just a busy schedule.

Acknowledge the pain

Here’s what I suggest you do: Acknowledge your emotional pain. Acknowledge that you are suffering.

You mentioned that previously you were lying on the floor in a fetal position, crying. That’s okay, and you may need to allow yourself to do more of it.

I think every human being is walking around with deep wells of internal pain. We’ve all suffered disappointment and loss in life, but rarely do we allow ourselves to truly experience the pain of those losses. We buck up and keep going, as you did, dependable as a rock.

So for years, lifetimes even, the internal pain keeps building. Eventually, we become walking sociopath magnets. The predator comes along, senses our pain, and promises to make it go away. This is what we desperately want, and we believe that the sociopath will make it happen.

This, of course, turns out to be the cruelest lie of all. The sociopath not only fails to ease our previous pain, he or she magnifies it with even more deception and bitter loss.

And this is actually the gift of the experience. Because what the sociopath does to us is so awful, so devastating, we can no longer just buck up and keep going. If we are to regain our lives, we must finally face the pain he or she caused as well as the pain we’ve been carrying around all of our lives.

Offer yourself compassion

So how do you recover? Acknowledging your suffering is the first step. Allow yourself to sit with your pain. Recognize that you do feel pain, without trying to explain it away. What you need to do is grieve.

Offer yourself compassion, a gesture of tenderness. Put your hand on your heart and say, “Given what I’ve been through, of course I feel grief.”

Grief is a process, and it will take time to excavate it all. Some of your internal pain and disappointment will rise to the surface, you’ll acknowledge it, let it go and then more will come to your awareness. Give yourself time and permission to go through the process.

At the same time, do whatever you can to create moments of joy in your life. This can be anything, from playing with your new puppy to pausing to watch a sunset.

By doing these things acknowledging the pain, offering yourself compassion, and allowing joy into your life, eventually you’ll shift your internal energy. You’ll drain off the pain and replace it with joy. And that’s when you’ll see a real healing in your life.

 


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JustMe83

I’m so sorry you’re going through this — I know it hurts.

The person in my life (whom I am divorcing at the moment) was married before, and would not acknowledge her or their daughter (who he told me he didn’t think was biologically his — which is a lie. She looks just like him) for YEARS. Yes, the ex wife would text, send letters, pictures, and he’d just discard them all.

Then, when it was convenient for him, he came back and started giving them attention.

When we split up, he moved in with his ex wife and her new husband (she was such an emotional mess that during the 10 years my husband and I were married she was married 3 times and had 1 live in boyfriend)

So, don’t think that he won’t come back in your life when you least expect it, when you **Finally** feel like everything is better. That’s how they keep you off balance

Find a good therapist. I am blessed that I found a therapist that knew exactly what was going on in my life the first session I had with her. Interview a couple therapists. Contact a domestic violence CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) Because many therapists who specialize in domestic violence also understand the nature of these relationships. In my area there’s also a support group for women who have been through it.

Read some good books – Carnes has a good book about betrayal bonds.

Also, read the story of Margaret Keane. You will be surprised. It was extremely validating and healing for me.

elizabethbrooks

Which book are you recommending, about Margaret Keane, please? I see a number of choices. Thanks-

JustMe83

Citizen Keane or watch the movie “Big Eyes”

I don’t think that “Big Eyes” is on DVD yet — you may be able to find it playing at a discount theater.

elizabethbrooks

Thank you!!

Bally

Donna, your advice sounds excellent. It will be very useful to me. Thank you for sharing it.

Jan7

Bessy, huge hugs to you hon. I read all of these post on LF and think these guys are all the same using the same exact playbook to suck in a victim, abuse the victim then discard them leaving us a mess. I was like you straight and narrow going to bed early as being focus on my job the next day was important, not drinking or going to bars, he did same thing to me as your ex = my ex pushing my limits until I was absolutely mentally, emotionally & physically exhausted right from the get go.

This is part of their plan this is part of their manipulation of a victim INTENTIONALLY = to wear out the victim so that the victims are more easily controlled & brain washed.

Steven Hassan author of Freedom of Mind (good book to read) states that anyone can be sucked into a cult or a abusive relationship when they have a life change such as a death in the family, empty nest, going off to college, changing jobs etc. Why this time? because your guard is down you are focused on all of the changes and you are not in tune with your surroundings as much. Meaning you dont listen to your gut instinct.

Bessy, you had a lot of life changes all at once. Loosing your mother is one of the hardest things that children go through no matter what age. I am truly sorry for this loss. Throw in all the other life changes that happened to you and like Donna states you can see why you were vulnerable and this is the exact victim a sociopath is looking for, they instinctively can spot a vulnerable victim a mile away and they dont give up when a person says “no” when they ask the victim out on a date, they know the victim is weak at this time so they keep asking the person out until they get a yes answer. They keep pushing their victims limits intentionally = to control the victim.

Look at a lion in Africa he goes after a young or old victim or one that is separated from the herd = why because they are easier prey as they are vulnerable. Same with a sociopath, you were separated from your “herd” if you will with the loss of your mother, empty nest, divorce.

You state: “My sane self says I am lucky I am not bothered; my ego self says I am disposable, not worthy of even a sociopath’s attention, etc. etc. PLEASE tell me I am normal.”

YES you ARE NORMAL…a break up with a sociopath is NOT normal it is abrupt and confusing. They are telling you they love you one minute then an hour later they are done with you. This is not normal behavior from a normal human. Normally a breakup with a normal person is not abrupt it is a slow process and because it is a slow process you have time to work through all of your emotions you are feeling during that slow breakup time….

with a sociopath bam he has disappears and you have no closure he is on to his next victim. The rejection hurts. What you are wanting from him is closure but you will NEVER get closure from him ever. He has no feelings because his brain literally does not work in the emotional region. When he comes back around he will only tell you lies which is not closure it’s just more chaos in your mind.

***YOUR CLOSURE from this relationship is finding out he is a sociopath with narcissistic traits!! THAT IS YOUR CLOSURE. Your closure is also finding Lovefraud & other sites and connecting with other victims and educating yourself on the evil people of this world. THAT IS POWERFUL hon when you really look at it.

You now have a key to how humans on this planet operate = there are good normal people & there are sociopaths/psychopaths everywhere. They are like land mines that now you know you will have to avoid especially when you are vulnerable.

Remember 1 in 25 people are sociopaths/psychopaths mainly men. 1 in 5 people are narcissist 75% men. All sociopaths/psychopaths are narcissist but not all narcissist are sociopaths/psychopaths. These evil people are every where. Think about this, every class room you sat in while you were in high school had at least on sociopath/psychopath & 5 narcissist (if you had 25 kids to a class). Thats scary to think about, same goes for every job or when you go to the mall or movie theater or at the grocery store.

A very high percentage of victims of sociopaths have PTSD…Dr Wilson a adrenal gland expert states that the biggest issue with PTSD that needs to be healed is adrenal fatigue. All of the craziness that your ex did ie not letting you sleep, having you drink, staying, out late, all caused issues with your adrenal glands = adrenal fatigue. Stress, lack of sleep poor diet all cause the adrenal glands to not function correctly. The adrenal glands regulate the body’s blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels (fight or flight mode) and over 50 hormones including estrogen, progesterone, testosterone. The adrenal glands are a HUGE deal as all of the things that the adrenal glands regulate become unbalanced with the chaos, drama, stress the sociopath brings into our lives.

See sites like adrenalfatigue. org take the quiz/read/see symptoms list, DrLam. com see symptoms list/read and mialundin. com see her you tube videos/read. Bessy all your emotions are not all “in the mind” you most likely have PTSD and need your hormones balanced, vitamins & minerals etc to heal your adrenal glands. I am personally telling you that this will dramatically help you and all that you are dealing with. I was luck enough when I left my ex that my friend suggested I go to a hormonal specialist within hours of taking progesterone pills and Dr Wilson’s adrenal fatigue vitamins my emotions were half and over time I quickly returned to my old self. This is what therapist do not understand = it is not all in your mind it is also your body that needs to be balanced.

Get tested for hormonal imbalance, vitamin/mineral deficiency & cortisol test from a adrenal gland doctor or hormonal specialist. You can google “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors or see adrenalfatigue. org for a list or ask friends for a recommendation.

You state: “I got kicked off a site I got a lot of help from in my early No Contact days, but I was a mess—literally lying in a fetal position on the floor for weeks crying. I asked, I guess, a prohibited question: What is the difference between his Silent Treatment and my going No Contact? I meant no harm to other members, I truly wanted to know (I know now). But I was immediately booted and am sad about that, I was getting terrific advice.”. You have to keep in mind that some of the moderators on some sites are covet narcissist/sociopath too…your question was a good question and you getting kicked off for that question is ridicules my advise is dont make it about you but ask yourself what is wrong with the moderator who kicked you off are they a narcissist hiding out? There was one site that I first found to and one of the mods kicked people off for no reason then would start a smear campaign on that person who was kicked off then the other mod would try to smooth things over it was crazy and I and many others stated on the site that the one mod was a narcissist and then I would see the same type post on other sites stating “beware of such and such mod because she is a narcissist”.

The reason your ex has not come back is he has enough supply to feed is ego right now. He has a victims that is doing everything he demands and maybe has a mistress on the side. When his current victims finally see who he is and dumps him or he gets bored with his current victims and he dumps them he may come back into your life…which will only be a nightmare to you. The rejection you feel from him is why you want him back, keep reading everything on LF and watch the videos at the top to keep opening up your mind to see he is pure evil. With hormonal balancing, vitamins/minerals & reading you will quickly get to a point to are truly happy that he found a new victim so that you could escape is grips.

I am glad you had the courage to post your story for us. That too is Powerful and a great step toward healing!

Wishing you all the best. Take care.

Jan7

ps along with Donna Andrson’s books which are listed at the top of this wonderful site, I would also recommend the book Woman who love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown my counselor gave me this book the first day it explains everything the addiction to them that they created etc.

I also want to say that with the “ring” that you mention that if you “were good” you would get it…this is call reward & punishment manipulation by a sociopath. He was training you like an animal is treated with treats. Everything your ex did is to control your mind just like a cult leader does to his followers.

Mother.Love

So true… so very true. It’s the transition that’s the most difficult… from existential pain to in your face pain. Best to let it all out.

bscharming

Please do yourself a big favor- BLOCK his number on your phone- you do not want
his calls or texts- i highly recommend it. It took me 12 years to do that. My ex emails me
and i do not answer them. My ex after a 12 year relationship took 19 months to call me.
I was devastated from him. He went back with a woman who he had a prior relationship with
prior to me and who even was on this site for a while. She is his victim now and he cheats
on her daily- i see him on dating sites all the time. I suggest you try to focus on you and rebuild
your life with good friends and love from within. It does not happen overnight and medication
can help- antidepressants . It worked for me. Best of luck.

Jan7

Bscharming is correct BLOCK his number!!!

The most important rule when your relationship is over with a sociopath is the NO CONTACT RULE!!!

Do a search on LF and on the net “sociopath no contact rule” & “narcissist no contact rule”

Dont get sucked back into his con game BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK him now. Block his phone number or better change your number, change your email, block him from your social media accounts etc.

By doing this you will take your power back from him.

elizabethbrooks

Bessy, you and I share many similarities… but my sociopath was my 24-year husband. I also lost both parents and my 2 kids heading to college, at the same time. I totally relate to what you are saying, and I have good news. I am on the other side of the pain. I had two people in my life who ASSURED me that I’d feel better one day… without them, not sure I’d have made it. They had also lived thru it. Know I’m telling you the truth—you WILL feel better! Healing comes.

Definitely take the advice of the other commenters here. One day I realized I must be chemically depressed. I was leaving certain rooms in the house a mess (my bedroom), for no seemingly sensible reason. I decided to get on an anti-depressant (with advice from my counselor) until the legal battle ended. It was extremely intense, and my excellent counselor suggested I stay on one til it was done. I also upped my exercise, and I look to it every day as my bright spot. I walk, and I even ordered a full-size trampoline (shopped online for best price and free shipping). It is incredibly good for your body at this middle-age. It affects your lymph system (research it), and only takes minutes to get a great cardio workout. It will help your weight and emotional healing.

Also, I knew that feeling unloved, and worthless was not what I was sposed to feel. I sought God for help with that, in addition to the counseling, friend & family support, and exercise. I suggest asking God to help you feel worthy again.

Hugs–

Bessy, I was on this website years ago, but I still read articles from time to time, to remind myself to be vigilant. Why do I say vigilant – because plain and simple: there are evil people in this world and those of us that are not evil have to remind ourselves to keep our eyes and ears open – and listen to our gut.

There is SO much good advice here. Read Jan7 response over and over. I believe you too are looking for closure. I have been divorced now for 5 years. We were a “model” family in the eyes of the community. But behind closed doors, I was never good enough for my former spouse. He had me brow beat and exhausted and I tried harder and harder to get his approval. I was never enough in his mind. That is because HE was never enough and I was his “cover.” I have found out now that I am enough! I know I was a good mother and still am. I was a good wife, but now I nurture ME first and give the leftovers to my kids (they are all age 20 or more). Jan7 is correct – you will never get closure. You will never get an apology. Apologize to yourself for believing in him and count your blessings that you are rid of him. If my former spouse tried to apologize now, I wouldn’t even believe him, but rather I would be suspicious of why he is trying to gain entry into my life. It would only be… that he wants or needs something, not because he really cared about anything to do with me. The following paragraph is TRUE:
with a sociopath bam he disappears and you have no closure he is on to his next victim. And that is why you don’t hear from him. You hear from him if he is NOT GETTING supply somewhere else. The rejection hurts….. Honey, they will throw every person who doesn’t fulfill their needs away like a dirty rag. What you are wanting from him is closure but you will NEVER get closure from him ever. He has no feelings because his brain literally does not work in the emotional region. When he comes back around he will only tell you lies which is not closure it’s just more chaos in your mind.

***YOUR CLOSURE from this relationship is finding out he is a sociopath with narcissistic traits!! THAT IS YOUR CLOSURE. Your closure is also finding Lovefraud & other sites and connecting with other victims and educating yourself on the evil people of this world. THAT IS POWERFUL hon when you really look at it.

As for “outing” and exposing him…Guess what, he doesn’t care. He can LIE his way out of anything. He will twist and turn like a magician, he can place blame quite successfully on everyone else, but you will NEVER see him take any personal responsibility. Also, you mention he isn’t scared of anything. You are correct! There is no police officer, attorney, judge NOR anyone else that a sociopath is afraid of.

It is a blessing you don’t hear from him. Stay NO contact. IF he does contact you, don’t bite. Focus your energy on being the best you can be. Focus on your own well being. Focus on your needs. You will feel better.

flicka

As an adult 40+ year victim and being naturally very interested in human behavior ( a vulnerability?), your next-to-last paragraph conclusion is something I continue to debate. In my case I feel inherited genes were the decisive factor. Certainly, sociopaths outwardly maintain an attitude of superiority and “being above the law”. But I often wonder if this is not a facade they put on to hide their own inner fears (i.e. intimidation)? Instilling fear seems to be their only emotion so can it not be related? My “ex” ruled his 5 children by intimidation (criticism, debasing, physical etc.) and now they too, have developed the very same traits as their father. Interesting subject.

One more thought: The only hope I has is that Karma exists.

His Karma may be that he has to live with himself! Think about it….. how would you like to be stuck in a body like that?

Mother.Love

So sorry … but, it’s up to you. There isn’t anyone that can do the painful hard emotional work you are facing. I wish I’d had the luxury to roll up in a ball and make the pain go away… or someone else came to rescue me. There isn’t anyone… that’s the sad truth except for Sites just like this one where your experience is validated. Hopefully in a way that leads you out of this emotional nightmare. It can be done… one foot in front of the other when you’re ready. You can do it !

ErinBrock

Bessy, You are making this all about ‘him’. This isn’t about anyone other than YOU. Concentrate on YOU darlin!!! Shake things up and do healthy things for yourself. You are hoping for revenge, for the leg up, for closure…..closure has already happened. It’s over, he’s gone away (maybe for forever, maybe just for the past 9 months)…..you are the lucky one. Embrace your luck and pick yourself up and walk forward!!!
It doesn’t matter what ‘he is’…..what matters is, YOU! Stop focusing on him, and take your life back! Don’t waste another minute!!!
XXOO
EB

Jan7

Just read this nice quote & thought I would share it with you Bessy:

As I look back on my life,
I realize that every time I thought I was being REJECTED from something good,
I WAS ACTUALLY BEING RE-DIRECTED to something better.

Mia M

Hi Bessy,
I appreciate your honesty. If I did not know better I would say that we had dated the same man. I am always amazed how similar the sociopath stories are on here. I think you deserve some really good therapy to help you grieve the huge losses in your life and to be reminded that you can still have the best parts of you that were awakened by the sociopath. It sounds like he brought out a fun part of you that alllowed you to feel alive for a change, rather than just working and being responsible all the time. I would encourage you to tap into some fun exciting activities that will bring out that part of yourself he re-ignited.

I agree, you are really lucky that he left before he took everything from you. If he comes back it will be because he feels he can get something more from you. Run towards the light, your own bright shining light. Challenge yourself to take a dance class or a zumba class, move your body, notice yourself smiling and laughing. Hang out with wonderful women who love you.

I am finding the body thing the hardest to heal from. Once the blinders were off and I realized that I was used and exploited the entire relationship I have been left with the sense of being soul raped. There is no part of me that wants to be with anyone else, I am repulsed by the idea of allowing another man into my home or into my body, which is probably not healthy either but feels a lot safer. So, my sister in healing, I wish you well on your journey and support you in your ambivilence about this creatin. Healing from something like this is really confusing on so many levels and takes a long time.
Mia

Bessyisbusy

Thank you ALL for your replies. I think this hit the nail on the head–“soul raped.” He KNEW how vulnerable I was, that I was hurting and confused on many levels. He was right there to “jump in” of course and “help.” He did bring out a side of me I had never seen that at first I liked, but it wasn’t “me.” I AM dependable, responsible and strong. With him, I felt carefree and for a change, I liked that. But I also hated it. I’d look in the mirror and say “who ARE you?” And like you said, it doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other; I need to allow some “fun” into my life but not the kind of fun that will hurt me or others. I went from years of being totally available to family to practically disappearing, wouldn’t answer my cell, wouldn’t visit anyone on MY side of the family. All our days were about HIS plans, which were never “plans” but fly-by-his-pants whims. Plans, like to attend weddings, etc. never happened. Things he said he’d do for my family, never happened. Lots of empty promises.

I do know deep down this is about me. I need to heal what attracted me to him/him to me. I’ve just never encountered such a callous, deceitful, self-centered individual such as this before, but still being charismatic, fun and initially, “love-bombing.” Thus, “the mask.” Amazing.

I know because I have a bazillion extra empathy genes that I need to be more vigilant who I allow into my life, for sure. I was raised to “see the good in EVERYBODY.” I know for sure now, evil walks this earth. This is one lady that won’t be taken for a ride again.

Icandothis

Oh Bessy, I certainly know that uncertainty that the ex spath has instilled in us and how it continues after the relationship is over. I’m not long into my recovery n I know it’s going to be a long road to find me again but I WILL FIND HER. I LOVE HER, SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL SOUL N I KNOW SHE IS MUCH STRONGER THAN THIS. Bessy, I have learnt to not give them the key anymore. This time is for my healing n growing again. When I come out the other side of this…. By finding any positive pages I can find, read all positive healing quotes, stick them on my walls, fridges etc, go to places I love to go, do the things I love, only allow positive people in my space…. I know I will have found me again. You deserve the same Bessy. We can recover n must never forget that. Forgiving them for their illness I believe is very important. They are what they are. That is not our fault in any shape or form. We just happen to be in their path. Much love n light to all 🙂

Confused78

Hello all,

I am looking for some advice on how to deal with being fooled by a sociopath. To cut a long story shot a long lost friend got in touch with me some months ago. He lives abroad, so we communicate online. For a few months he was so kind and caring towards me, almost too good to be true but then started to be possessive and trying to control me. It didn’t matter how much attention I gave to him, he always wanted more and constantly complained that I did not give him enough attention or care enough about him. Then he started to insult everything I said and called me pathetic and selfish. He also tried to control me and wanted to know where I was, with whom and what I was doing at all times. However much I tried to please him he continued to insult me and became really horrible. He did it again a few days ago and foolishly I apologised as I always do. Instead of accepting my apology as he usually does, he completely ignored me. I text him the following day, which was also ignored. After looking this up on the internet, I have come to realise that I seem to have been taken in by a sociopath. It follows the classic routine of idealise, devalue, and discard. I feel like such an idiot, however despite the way he treated me, I miss him and it hurts. Despite ignoring me, he has not deleted me from any of his social media accounts. Can anyone advise how I should deal with the situation?

Jan7

Hi Confused78,

I am sorry that you have been sucked into his evil web of deception but I am very glad that you saw all of his red flags did a search on the net about his odd behavior and found your way to Lovefraud.

What most victims dont realize is a sociopath is a cult leader, does not matter if he has a large following or just one person they all do the same manipulation to control their victims mind & time. Including using reward & punishment techniques (you always trying to please him for a reward = him being nice to you again), gas lighting abuse (google), brain washing, mind control, install fear & phobias into the victims mind, controlling the victims time & who they socialize with, they eventually isolate the victim from family/friends etc etc.

The very first thing you need to do is follow the “No Contact Rule”. If you can change your email & social media accounts to a none discripted name & block him/make them private, and if you can change your phone number to prevent him from ever getting in touch with you again. If you can not then block his number & block him from your social media accounts/email too. IF he has your address and mails you letters put “return to sender” on the outside of the envelope and mail back to him without ever opening them. Advise any friend/family member that knows him to NEVER give out your info to him but instead to ignore any email/social media/phone calls solicitation from him. Stay firm on this he will try pity play (google) to manipulate back into his evil web dont buy his bs it’s all a con game.

To get him out of your life BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK & IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE HIM.

To help you heal keep reading everything at the top of Lovefraud. Donna Anderson the site creator has done an impeccable job at providing a library full of info on Lovefraud. Her books are also must read. If you go to the top of the site you can find her books under the “book store” tab.

When you need support just come and do exactly what you did post a question or vent. There is great support here for you so please dont feel like you are alone. You are going to get though all the chaos & drama this man put you though and you are going to be able to spot a sociopath very quickly in the future. Glad you made your way to Lovefraud.

Take care.

Jan7

ps do a search on Lovefraud up at the top “no contact rule” and on the net “sociopath no contact rule” & “narcissist no contact rule” to learn more on the subject.

flicka

I would advise anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to go NC completely and immediately. No one can do this but yourself so do it for your own sake. Anyone who claims the pain of such a disastrous relationship will ever completely go away is faulty in my opinion. It never gets completely erased but the pain does diminish with time and distance. The angst does go away, and it remains a hard-earned lesson in your memory.

Confused78

Thank you all so much for your support and kind words, which are most greatly appreciated. I think more than anything I am so angry with myself for being taken in by this individual. I am a caring and trusting person and it really hurts that someone recognised this and used it against me. In the beginning he was always telling me that I was too kind and caring towards everyone else and that I should learn to put myself first. But by the end he was constantly telling me that I am a horrible selfish girl who thinks only ever of herself. Fortunately, I am lucky to have some great friends who are trying to reassure me that this is the exact opposite of who I am.

I have gone no contact. I’m finding it really hard to maintain but every time I feel tempted to get in touch I read the articles about ST and stonewalling and I remember that he has got enough pleasure out of hurting me already, so I must not contact him and let him have any more.

Jan7

Hi Confused78, dont be angry with yourself hon, please know that these guys are con artist and they will try to con everyone that walks in their path. Steven Hassan author of Freedom of Mind states that anyone can fall victim to a cult or domestic abusive relationship if they had a life change such as a divorce, relationship breakup, going off to college, a new job, a move to a new city, empty nest, etc. Why this time? because your guard is down & you are focusing on the life change and not listening to your gut reaction to someone. These evil people can spot someone emotional from a mile away then zero in then mimic the victims kind traits to such them into their con game.

Know also that the traits you have are good normal traits (caring & trusting) unlike the evil sociopath.

Excellent that you have started the no contact rule…yes it’s hard at first because you literally have to break the emotional bond (addiction) that he created by manipulating you. Keep with it though because one day you will say “I cant stand the guy” & “I never want to see him again ever”. Just be kind, patient and loving to yourself until that day. When you feel the urge to call him come to Lovefraud and read, read, read, & watch the videos at the top to open your mind up again from his brain washing & mind control. It really does help…also vent here or write in a journal to get all of your thoughts, anger, sadness etc out of your mind. You are going to go through all of the grieving stages just like a death in the family so google “grieving stages” so you understand this process.

A few good facebook support sites to vent also: After narcissistic abuse & Psychopath free

open a fake email account then open a fake facebook account so that you can vent freely without your ex or his friends/family reading them. Other site to read: psychopathyawareness. wordpress.

It’s always a blessing to have supportive friends like you do, have them read LF & psychopathyawarenss site too so that you all can protect each other.

Wishing you all the best!!

elsa

Wow! They are all the same!!

I can relate so much to the way you were enticed and swept off your feet. I too was in a rut and along he came.made me laugh like I had never laughed in years. He took me places, widened my experiences. Told me how awesome I was ( oh, hang on, maybe I imagined all of that as he said it never happened!!)

No contact will clear your mind and once that happens your heart will settle.

One day at a time and NC are the two rules to live by to get through this pain. I hae never known pain like it. I have broken up with people I loved in the past but never like this. The sense of betrayal makes it feel so much worse!!

Teresa

I am so sorry to hear that your therapist didn’t understand what you are going through. You are right it is not like getting over a normal relationship, it is an addiction. I have been on both sides of the fence, on one side on one side feeling the extreme highs and lows of having these people in my life and on the other side working on Skype as an Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), Matrix Reimprinting, NLP, CBT, Heart and Emotional Intelligence practitioner helping people heal their past and find self worth and self love as well as recover from the trauma of these relationships. The ‘highs’ felt so good that I ignored my intuition and the warnings from other people. I know have close loving inter-dependent connections with other people. My clients say that ‘I really get them’.That’s only because I have experienced it myself. Yes,I have done lots of studying on the topic however I couldn’t even have begun to understand how difficult it is both emotionally and physically to get away from this type of relationship by studying books.I am finally free for the first time in my life and hope this gives hope to others.

Escapefor1

I wish I could find someone like you. I have definitely moved on, understood deeply, and healed — intellectually — but have not seemed to fully recover and move on emotionally. I can not find practitioners who “get it” in my area. I do not know a way for you to provide info on how to contact you privately on this website. Nor can I figure out how to get on Skype, LOL!

Teresa

I can feel your frustration and need to find someone who can help you. I am happy to print my e-mail address for you or anyone in a similar position who needs help with the modalities I have listed above to permanently overcome the need for this type of co- dependant relationship. My e-mail address is [email protected] Have you tried Googling how to get on Skype? If you can work out how to get on I would love to help you. Teresa XXX

stronginthecity

Dear Bessy,
I just finished reading your story. I am so sorry to read of your pain.
Believe me when I tell you I know exactly how you feel.
You said that you are sad because he has not contacted you. I get it.
You said that you don’t want him back and all of the craziness that went along with it. I get it.
Read my posts and you’ll see that I am in the same situation.
Mine started in 2006 for about 10 months and then he disappeared until 2013.
They don’t forget about you. He is punishing you right now and in my case was stalking me.
Please do not spend one more minute of one more day trying to figure him out. He is a lonely messed up individual who only cares about himself.
Don’t think he will change, he will not. Accept this and no, you won’t forget but please move on.
I do not want another successful intelligent woman reduced to this feeling brought on by a nightmare evil person.
Karma, yes it does happen.
Take it one day at a time sometimes an hour at a time. Dont waste your time and energy trying to get back at him.
Try to find a therapist in your area that specializes in this.
Talking about it defiantly helps.
Write it down, all of it here or otherwise. Sometimes it’s helpful to put pen to paper. I was able to finally figure things out when I posted here.
Enter my user name on here and read away at my rants because I got to the point that all of my friends alienated me because they did not understand.
Be there for your kids..even though you said they are away at school.Pack care packages for them, write them letters and focus on them for now.
I am so sorry you are going through this but I promise you will be ok!
You will learn from this exactly the kind of man that you don’t want.

flicka

The greatest asset of knowledge and learning came to me in reading that psychopathy actually was a behavioral illness with defined traits and that it was not my fault and there was no cure. This eliminates the victims trying to make things “work” when in reality, there is no such “fix”. It helps to eliminate the self-blame and feelings of being “crazy” for the victims which is very helpful in regaining their former selves. Until then, victims go on believing that if they only worked/loved etc. more, they could somehow ameliorate the situation.

salvation2012

I am now 3 years out and I can relate to you not feeling right again after a mere 9 months. Some “put themselves back together” faster than others. Kudos to the people who take their pain and do something with it… some of us, just can’t.

A few things that have helped me is to stop trying to be 1) what I used to be (supermom and “hot mama” commonly referred to as MILF)… who cares if you forget to pack lunch one day or can’t volunteer for everything… and bye bye long straight hair that had to be perfect for my ex… he hated my natural curls and anything above shoulder length… what hair do I like?… even if its not bombshell, if I like it I feel better about me. I now have chin length layers and my curls are me 🙂 So in my book, simply deciding on what I wanted to look like for me, was a big step!

As for the no contact vs his silent treatment… I get you there as well. When the court could not extend the protective order, I found myself waiting for the day he was going to show up, or email etc… just to get his last word… its been a year and he hasn’t, and I do wonder now is it him playing that final card to hurt… he knew silent treatments hurt me insanely as I wanted connection. But guess what? I am extending the silent treatment to him by not contacting him either. I dont want him to know I still hurt, or dont trust… that will make him feel “good.” So who won and who lost? Who was right and who was wrong? The plain truth is he has a lifelong conviction of assault and battery, he cannot remove from his record because they ruled the injuries too severe for 1st time offenders rights to apply to him… and I have lifelong injuries…

Try to tackle little things first, make no assumptions about who you are based on anything from who you have been all these years (or the months with the spath)… cry alot, and try alot and hopefully you will begin to see who you really are 🙂

Escapefor1

I know what you mean about feeling not good enough for the sociopath, even though you don’t want him. I think what you really mean is that you wanted him to really want you and for that to not be made up. In prior abuse, I was jealous of someone else my abuser “wanted” more, even though that meant more abuse. Crazy, I know, but I was also mad that I was not enough for him. It makes a weird kind of sense and I do not think it is abnormal. We all want to be wanted and sociopaths make their abuse very seductive. I mean that in the broad sense of the word.

truth7

When I read the letter from Bessy sadly, it was another heart-breaking story of the emotional devastation orchestrated by a sadistic spath! Feeling erased, deleted and dismissed by someone we genuinely loved results in emotional, mental and spiritual trauma. It is also a grieving process like no other because in many cases the spath is still living, and sometimes we may see the spath at family functions or family funerals, if the spath is a family member.

The spath creates a level of pain which even has physical reactions such as panic attacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety to name a few.

As a newer member of the LoveFraud healing community and educational forum, writing and sharing my journey is healing. I also see a common theme: a sociopath is a sociopath! It is clear… Once the sociopath is discovered and we clearly see the sociopathic traits, all share the same basic traits. They may come in different human forms such as lover, husband, father, mother, brother, sister. Also, after reading the book, “The Sociopath Next Door,” by Martha Stout, it further opened my eyes that the spath comes in many forms and people you normally would never suspect are spaths.

As I read about many spath partners in this forum such as lover or spouse, I see my own biological father! Even though a parent- child relationship is different than a husband- wife relationship, the feelings of abandonment, loss and confusion are common reactions that the victims of spaths share. We are actually in a state of shock, once the truth comes to light.

I tried to make sense of sadistic and irrational behaviors of my spath father, behaviors that no normal feeling compassionate human would ever do! And for me, here lied the irony of my own inner conflict. I tried to rationalize the irrational thinking and sadistic behaviors exhibited by my own father. Four big lessons that I learned:

1.) I cannot love his evil away
2.) I cannot make sense of his sadistic behaviors
3.) I was not at fault
4.) I am free

Once I learned about the sociopath through further education, and reading similar stories about spaths, I finally got it! I finally got my father! For years our own family knew of his twisted behaviors and kept secrets. They enabled him! So it took me decades to figure things out by myself. I knew I needed facts and court documents to prove what is truth…

However, even though my family continue to enable him, I choose to expose him! Spaths are “always” narcissists! They do not like for the truth to surface about their evil deeds because it taints the delusional world they have created. Therefore, I warn others about him and I no longer suffer in silence. I share my stories, my encounters with him. My spath father or any spath no matter who they are, does not have the right to hurt others nor does a spath have the right to control anyone’s voice! I am free…

flicka

Dear Truth7, So nice that you’ve joined our community and are capably able to express what we all have in common…the devastating aftermath of sociopaths; their relation to us doesn’t matter as they all have the same effect, whether child, husband or parent. And they all cause their loving to endlessly forgive, excuse or forget their intimidations. This was my biggest problem; I spent decades trying to figure out how to “fix” them instead of facing the reality that they were the ones who were sick and that nothing I could have said or done would ever have any effect whatsoever. Thank you for clarifying this to all those victims who are still forever faithful and go on questioning themselves.

Stargazer

Hi Nisa, I’m so sorry the man you have bonded to is so abusive toward you. It does sound as though he is disordered, and at very least he is extremely abusive toward you. A man who really cared for you would not behave like this. You deserve someone who is gentle and patient, especially with what you’ve been through in your past – a true friend. The nature of this type of pair bond between a man and woman is that your bonding hormones (oxytocin) get released, so that you feel like he is your husband, soul mate, and the man you are meant to spend your life with. You’d as soon cut off your right arm as cut this man out of your life. These feelings are completely normal. However, if you can just stay away from him long enough, the bond will start to break. I don’t know how accurate it is, but I’ve read it takes around 60 days for oxytocin to leave your system. If you contact him during that time, however, you will set the clock back, so you have to make a clean break. You deserve a truly caring man, and of course, you cannot even consider that right now because you are so bonded to him. So before you can meet a man who can be your best friend, you have to be a best friend to yourself by protecting yourself from harmful people. You were not able to do it when you were a child, but as an adult, you have the power to do it. I wish you the very best. I’ve been there – more times than I care to admit. Now I protect myself vehemently so that no one may ever come into my close circle unless they treat me with respect. I’m not afraid to be alone and without a man if no one measures up. You will get there, too. The first step is to gather the strength to walk away from this destructive relationship, no matter how attached you feel. I assure you that in time, those feelings will change.

On another note, I have found it best to stay away from separated or even newly divorced men. In my opinion, they are not ready for a serious relationship until they are completely out of the old one and have had the time to recover. Beware men who cannot be alone long enough to do their recovery work after a failed marriage. And I’m talking about a normal healthy married man. A sociopath will flat out lie to you. BTW, I am not judging you; the sociopath I dated claimed to be separated, too (he was lying). I also dated another healthy man who was separated. Though he did go through with the divorce, I was the rebound relationship. He was not ready to commit his life again so soon. At this point, I just categorically refuse to date anyone who is separated or newly divorced, no matter how exciting and wonderful they seem. Separated men are still technically married. Just something to think about.

I wish the very best for you. I think if you can walk away from this abusive man, your life will look completely different in 6 months’ or a years’ time. Please give yourself that gift – the gift of a peaceful life full of hope and possibility.

Hugs,

Star

Jan7

Nisa, I am just checking up on you today. Please let us know how you are doing.

flicka

Just knowing that there is someone out there who cares, means everything. Thank you!

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