UPDATED FOR 2021. Editor’s note: Lovefraud previously published a letter from a reader whom we called “Bessy.” It was entitled, “The only hope I have is that Karma exists.” This is a follow-up letter from Bessy — she’s not feeling any better. In my response, I suggest that she acknowledge the pain.
My ex has not contacted me in 9 months and I know I should feel lucky, but I feel even more inadequate and unlovable than he made me feel back then. Why do I hear of boomerangs and “they always come back” stories and my phone is silent. Was “I” that bad???
I was vulnerable
I think I was attracted and vulnerable in the first place because I was at a crossroads, facing losing my mother, alcoholic brother, sending my only two kids off to college and divorcing after 24 years.
My whole life was me being “straight and narrow, dependable, a rock.” Then HE came along, seemingly “sympathetic” but now I know he was just fishing for information, and became everything “fun” in my life that I hadn’t had in YEARS.
I didn’t drink; guess where he took me. Clubs. I began to drink, a lot. I normally was in bed by 9 pm due to working 50 hour weeks; guess what he did — kept me out until all hours, sitting on rooftops under the stars, sneaking under “closed” park fences to sit by the rushing river.
It WAS intoxicating — at first. Then it dawned on me that IF he cared, he would not keep me out until 3 a.m. knowing I had to get up at 5. His schedule was “flexible.” Mine wasn’t. Because more often than not, I was under the influence of alcohol, and that’s when he “disclosed” secrets, either thinking I wouldn’t remember or I wouldn’t care.
I can “out” him
I want to believe he is scared of me: I can “out” him on many levels (particularly his criminal background as a child sex offender — his own stepdaughter who he says “provoked” him by wearing skimpy clothes and brushing up against him after her showers in only a towel. She was 11). My sane self says I am lucky I am not bothered; my ego self says I am disposable, not worthy of even a sociopath’s attention, etc. etc. PLEASE tell me I am normal.
I got kicked off a site I got a lot of help from in my early No Contact days, but I was a mess — literally lying in a fetal position on the floor for weeks crying. I asked, I guess, a prohibited question: What is the difference between his Silent Treatment and my going No Contact? I meant no harm to other members, I truly wanted to know (I know now). But I was immediately booted and am sad about that, I was getting terrific advice.
Still under my skin
But then part of me thinks sociopaths are scared of nothing, so why is he silent? And why do I need the satisfaction of waiting every day for his call or text, only to stick to NC and have the “upper hand.” Nothing about this is easy; and my “relationship” was only a year. After 9 months, I am STILL a mess, although better, but like I’ve read, a break-up with a sociopath is NOT the same as any other. He is STILL under my skin, every day, 24/7, and I can’t talk to anybody because they don’t “get it.” Even my therapist brushed me off.
Quit my job
I’ve had to quit the job (he was a co-worker) and have not found employment and feel rejected in that way as well. I’ve gained 40 lbs back from the almost 80 I lost. I’m just SAD. I bounce from sad to mad, but always just end up feeling invisible — after a whirlwind of noise and activity to nothing; the silence is deafening. I keep busy, got a puppy, volunteer. Not the same.
But then again, I DO NOT want all that craziness back. No way. I’m just feeling — erased. How can a person profess love one day and erase you the next? He’s going on with his life, and I’m STILL stuck.
Sociopath/Narcissist/Psychopath—I still want to know “what” he is; although it makes no difference I guess. From all my readings over the months, I think he is the worst kind — a combination of them all for which I should be grateful he is silent.
Promise ring
I recently saw a movie called “Fatal Honeymoon” about Gabe Watson and was astonished that my ex did some of the exact things Watson did. I got the “promise ring” I had more than hinted at, and oh yeah, he got it for me — but showed me the bag and put it on the top closet shelf (not in plain sight like Watson, but still) and said he’d give it to me “after you do X — or need to show me you can behave this way — or just when we were watching TV, just get up and go to the closet and wave the bag and smile and put it back. That was awful!! He was not patient by any means like Watson who waited over six months; but it was still close to two weeks probably before he gave it to me.
Erased me
Pathological lying, the put-downs, the porn and secret life. The cell phone obsession, showering and sleeping with it “in case work calls.”
The lies I even discover now, rehashing things in my mind that didn’t make sense then but I was to busy being gaslighted and all his word salad crap.
Why would I even want to see him again? I don’t. But yes, I am HURT that he erased me so easily. I expected to hear SOMETHING, even something mean or accidental or — I don’t know. But I feel like a nothing.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear Bessy,
I am so sorry that you are still struggling, even though the sociopath has been out of your life for more than nine months.
Your story highlights an important truth: When a sociopath comes into our lives, recovery has nothing to do with him or her, and everything to do with us.
In your case, the answer is in the words you have written. Here’s where you said you were when he came into your life:
I was at a crossroads, facing losing my mother, alcoholic brother, sending my only two kids off to college and divorcing after 24 years.
And here’s how you describe how you are feeling now:
My sane self says I am lucky I am not bothered; my ego self says I am disposable, not worthy of even a sociopath’s attention.
Can you see the common denominator here? It’s loss of relationships and emptiness. That is what needs to be healed.
You don’t really want the sociopath back in your life. You want relationships back in your life. Of course, you’ve also written that you’re volunteering and have acquired a puppy, but still feel empty. Why? Because what you really need is a deep emotional healing, not just a busy schedule.
Acknowledge the pain
Here’s what I suggest you do: Acknowledge your emotional pain. Acknowledge that you are suffering.
You mentioned that previously you were lying on the floor in a fetal position, crying. That’s okay, and you may need to allow yourself to do more of it.
I think every human being is walking around with deep wells of internal pain. We’ve all suffered disappointment and loss in life, but rarely do we allow ourselves to truly experience the pain of those losses. We buck up and keep going, as you did, dependable as a rock.
So for years, lifetimes even, the internal pain keeps building. Eventually, we become walking sociopath magnets. The predator comes along, senses our pain, and promises to make it go away. This is what we desperately want, and we believe that the sociopath will make it happen.
This, of course, turns out to be the cruelest lie of all. The sociopath not only fails to ease our previous pain, he or she magnifies it with even more deception and bitter loss.
And this is actually the gift of the experience. Because what the sociopath does to us is so awful, so devastating, we can no longer just buck up and keep going. If we are to regain our lives, we must finally face the pain he or she caused — as well as the pain we’ve been carrying around all of our lives.
Offer yourself compassion
So how do you recover? Acknowledging your suffering is the first step. Allow yourself to sit with your pain. Recognize that you do feel pain, without trying to explain it away. What you need to do is grieve.
Offer yourself compassion, a gesture of tenderness. Put your hand on your heart and say, “Given what I’ve been through, of course I feel grief.”
Grief is a process, and it will take time to excavate it all. Some of your internal pain and disappointment will rise to the surface, you’ll acknowledge it, let it go and then more will come to your awareness. Give yourself time and permission to go through the process.
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
At the same time, do whatever you can to create moments of joy in your life. This can be anything, from playing with your new puppy to pausing to watch a sunset.
By doing these things — acknowledging the pain, offering yourself compassion, and allowing joy into your life — eventually you’ll shift your internal energy. You’ll drain off the pain and replace it with joy. And that’s when you’ll see a real healing in your life.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on March 2, 2015.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this — I know it hurts.
The person in my life (whom I am divorcing at the moment) was married before, and would not acknowledge her or their daughter (who he told me he didn’t think was biologically his — which is a lie. She looks just like him) for YEARS. Yes, the ex wife would text, send letters, pictures, and he’d just discard them all.
Then, when it was convenient for him, he came back and started giving them attention.
When we split up, he moved in with his ex wife and her new husband (she was such an emotional mess that during the 10 years my husband and I were married she was married 3 times and had 1 live in boyfriend)
So, don’t think that he won’t come back in your life when you least expect it, when you **Finally** feel like everything is better. That’s how they keep you off balance
Find a good therapist. I am blessed that I found a therapist that knew exactly what was going on in my life the first session I had with her. Interview a couple therapists. Contact a domestic violence CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) Because many therapists who specialize in domestic violence also understand the nature of these relationships. In my area there’s also a support group for women who have been through it.
Read some good books – Carnes has a good book about betrayal bonds.
Also, read the story of Margaret Keane. You will be surprised. It was extremely validating and healing for me.
Which book are you recommending, about Margaret Keane, please? I see a number of choices. Thanks-
Citizen Keane or watch the movie “Big Eyes”
I don’t think that “Big Eyes” is on DVD yet — you may be able to find it playing at a discount theater.
Thank you!!
Donna, your advice sounds excellent. It will be very useful to me. Thank you for sharing it.
Bessy, huge hugs to you hon. I read all of these post on LF and think these guys are all the same using the same exact playbook to suck in a victim, abuse the victim then discard them leaving us a mess. I was like you straight and narrow going to bed early as being focus on my job the next day was important, not drinking or going to bars, he did same thing to me as your ex = my ex pushing my limits until I was absolutely mentally, emotionally & physically exhausted right from the get go.
This is part of their plan this is part of their manipulation of a victim INTENTIONALLY = to wear out the victim so that the victims are more easily controlled & brain washed.
Steven Hassan author of Freedom of Mind (good book to read) states that anyone can be sucked into a cult or a abusive relationship when they have a life change such as a death in the family, empty nest, going off to college, changing jobs etc. Why this time? because your guard is down you are focused on all of the changes and you are not in tune with your surroundings as much. Meaning you dont listen to your gut instinct.
Bessy, you had a lot of life changes all at once. Loosing your mother is one of the hardest things that children go through no matter what age. I am truly sorry for this loss. Throw in all the other life changes that happened to you and like Donna states you can see why you were vulnerable and this is the exact victim a sociopath is looking for, they instinctively can spot a vulnerable victim a mile away and they dont give up when a person says “no” when they ask the victim out on a date, they know the victim is weak at this time so they keep asking the person out until they get a yes answer. They keep pushing their victims limits intentionally = to control the victim.
Look at a lion in Africa he goes after a young or old victim or one that is separated from the herd = why because they are easier prey as they are vulnerable. Same with a sociopath, you were separated from your “herd” if you will with the loss of your mother, empty nest, divorce.
You state: “My sane self says I am lucky I am not bothered; my ego self says I am disposable, not worthy of even a sociopath’s attention, etc. etc. PLEASE tell me I am normal.”
YES you ARE NORMAL…a break up with a sociopath is NOT normal it is abrupt and confusing. They are telling you they love you one minute then an hour later they are done with you. This is not normal behavior from a normal human. Normally a breakup with a normal person is not abrupt it is a slow process and because it is a slow process you have time to work through all of your emotions you are feeling during that slow breakup time….
with a sociopath bam he has disappears and you have no closure he is on to his next victim. The rejection hurts. What you are wanting from him is closure but you will NEVER get closure from him ever. He has no feelings because his brain literally does not work in the emotional region. When he comes back around he will only tell you lies which is not closure it’s just more chaos in your mind.
***YOUR CLOSURE from this relationship is finding out he is a sociopath with narcissistic traits!! THAT IS YOUR CLOSURE. Your closure is also finding Lovefraud & other sites and connecting with other victims and educating yourself on the evil people of this world. THAT IS POWERFUL hon when you really look at it.
You now have a key to how humans on this planet operate = there are good normal people & there are sociopaths/psychopaths everywhere. They are like land mines that now you know you will have to avoid especially when you are vulnerable.
Remember 1 in 25 people are sociopaths/psychopaths mainly men. 1 in 5 people are narcissist 75% men. All sociopaths/psychopaths are narcissist but not all narcissist are sociopaths/psychopaths. These evil people are every where. Think about this, every class room you sat in while you were in high school had at least on sociopath/psychopath & 5 narcissist (if you had 25 kids to a class). Thats scary to think about, same goes for every job or when you go to the mall or movie theater or at the grocery store.
A very high percentage of victims of sociopaths have PTSD…Dr Wilson a adrenal gland expert states that the biggest issue with PTSD that needs to be healed is adrenal fatigue. All of the craziness that your ex did ie not letting you sleep, having you drink, staying, out late, all caused issues with your adrenal glands = adrenal fatigue. Stress, lack of sleep poor diet all cause the adrenal glands to not function correctly. The adrenal glands regulate the body’s blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels (fight or flight mode) and over 50 hormones including estrogen, progesterone, testosterone. The adrenal glands are a HUGE deal as all of the things that the adrenal glands regulate become unbalanced with the chaos, drama, stress the sociopath brings into our lives.
See sites like adrenalfatigue. org take the quiz/read/see symptoms list, DrLam. com see symptoms list/read and mialundin. com see her you tube videos/read. Bessy all your emotions are not all “in the mind” you most likely have PTSD and need your hormones balanced, vitamins & minerals etc to heal your adrenal glands. I am personally telling you that this will dramatically help you and all that you are dealing with. I was luck enough when I left my ex that my friend suggested I go to a hormonal specialist within hours of taking progesterone pills and Dr Wilson’s adrenal fatigue vitamins my emotions were half and over time I quickly returned to my old self. This is what therapist do not understand = it is not all in your mind it is also your body that needs to be balanced.
Get tested for hormonal imbalance, vitamin/mineral deficiency & cortisol test from a adrenal gland doctor or hormonal specialist. You can google “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors or see adrenalfatigue. org for a list or ask friends for a recommendation.
You state: “I got kicked off a site I got a lot of help from in my early No Contact days, but I was a mess—literally lying in a fetal position on the floor for weeks crying. I asked, I guess, a prohibited question: What is the difference between his Silent Treatment and my going No Contact? I meant no harm to other members, I truly wanted to know (I know now). But I was immediately booted and am sad about that, I was getting terrific advice.”. You have to keep in mind that some of the moderators on some sites are covet narcissist/sociopath too…your question was a good question and you getting kicked off for that question is ridicules my advise is dont make it about you but ask yourself what is wrong with the moderator who kicked you off are they a narcissist hiding out? There was one site that I first found to and one of the mods kicked people off for no reason then would start a smear campaign on that person who was kicked off then the other mod would try to smooth things over it was crazy and I and many others stated on the site that the one mod was a narcissist and then I would see the same type post on other sites stating “beware of such and such mod because she is a narcissist”.
The reason your ex has not come back is he has enough supply to feed is ego right now. He has a victims that is doing everything he demands and maybe has a mistress on the side. When his current victims finally see who he is and dumps him or he gets bored with his current victims and he dumps them he may come back into your life…which will only be a nightmare to you. The rejection you feel from him is why you want him back, keep reading everything on LF and watch the videos at the top to keep opening up your mind to see he is pure evil. With hormonal balancing, vitamins/minerals & reading you will quickly get to a point to are truly happy that he found a new victim so that you could escape is grips.
I am glad you had the courage to post your story for us. That too is Powerful and a great step toward healing!
Wishing you all the best. Take care.
ps along with Donna Andrson’s books which are listed at the top of this wonderful site, I would also recommend the book Woman who love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown my counselor gave me this book the first day it explains everything the addiction to them that they created etc.
I also want to say that with the “ring” that you mention that if you “were good” you would get it…this is call reward & punishment manipulation by a sociopath. He was training you like an animal is treated with treats. Everything your ex did is to control your mind just like a cult leader does to his followers.
So true… so very true. It’s the transition that’s the most difficult… from existential pain to in your face pain. Best to let it all out.
Please do yourself a big favor- BLOCK his number on your phone- you do not want
his calls or texts- i highly recommend it. It took me 12 years to do that. My ex emails me
and i do not answer them. My ex after a 12 year relationship took 19 months to call me.
I was devastated from him. He went back with a woman who he had a prior relationship with
prior to me and who even was on this site for a while. She is his victim now and he cheats
on her daily- i see him on dating sites all the time. I suggest you try to focus on you and rebuild
your life with good friends and love from within. It does not happen overnight and medication
can help- antidepressants . It worked for me. Best of luck.
Bscharming is correct BLOCK his number!!!
The most important rule when your relationship is over with a sociopath is the NO CONTACT RULE!!!
Do a search on LF and on the net “sociopath no contact rule” & “narcissist no contact rule”
Dont get sucked back into his con game BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK him now. Block his phone number or better change your number, change your email, block him from your social media accounts etc.
By doing this you will take your power back from him.
Bessy, you and I share many similarities… but my sociopath was my 24-year husband. I also lost both parents and my 2 kids heading to college, at the same time. I totally relate to what you are saying, and I have good news. I am on the other side of the pain. I had two people in my life who ASSURED me that I’d feel better one day… without them, not sure I’d have made it. They had also lived thru it. Know I’m telling you the truth—you WILL feel better! Healing comes.
Definitely take the advice of the other commenters here. One day I realized I must be chemically depressed. I was leaving certain rooms in the house a mess (my bedroom), for no seemingly sensible reason. I decided to get on an anti-depressant (with advice from my counselor) until the legal battle ended. It was extremely intense, and my excellent counselor suggested I stay on one til it was done. I also upped my exercise, and I look to it every day as my bright spot. I walk, and I even ordered a full-size trampoline (shopped online for best price and free shipping). It is incredibly good for your body at this middle-age. It affects your lymph system (research it), and only takes minutes to get a great cardio workout. It will help your weight and emotional healing.
Also, I knew that feeling unloved, and worthless was not what I was sposed to feel. I sought God for help with that, in addition to the counseling, friend & family support, and exercise. I suggest asking God to help you feel worthy again.
Hugs–
Bessy, I was on this website years ago, but I still read articles from time to time, to remind myself to be vigilant. Why do I say vigilant – because plain and simple: there are evil people in this world and those of us that are not evil have to remind ourselves to keep our eyes and ears open – and listen to our gut.
There is SO much good advice here. Read Jan7 response over and over. I believe you too are looking for closure. I have been divorced now for 5 years. We were a “model” family in the eyes of the community. But behind closed doors, I was never good enough for my former spouse. He had me brow beat and exhausted and I tried harder and harder to get his approval. I was never enough in his mind. That is because HE was never enough and I was his “cover.” I have found out now that I am enough! I know I was a good mother and still am. I was a good wife, but now I nurture ME first and give the leftovers to my kids (they are all age 20 or more). Jan7 is correct – you will never get closure. You will never get an apology. Apologize to yourself for believing in him and count your blessings that you are rid of him. If my former spouse tried to apologize now, I wouldn’t even believe him, but rather I would be suspicious of why he is trying to gain entry into my life. It would only be… that he wants or needs something, not because he really cared about anything to do with me. The following paragraph is TRUE:
with a sociopath bam he disappears and you have no closure he is on to his next victim. And that is why you don’t hear from him. You hear from him if he is NOT GETTING supply somewhere else. The rejection hurts….. Honey, they will throw every person who doesn’t fulfill their needs away like a dirty rag. What you are wanting from him is closure but you will NEVER get closure from him ever. He has no feelings because his brain literally does not work in the emotional region. When he comes back around he will only tell you lies which is not closure it’s just more chaos in your mind.
***YOUR CLOSURE from this relationship is finding out he is a sociopath with narcissistic traits!! THAT IS YOUR CLOSURE. Your closure is also finding Lovefraud & other sites and connecting with other victims and educating yourself on the evil people of this world. THAT IS POWERFUL hon when you really look at it.
As for “outing” and exposing him…Guess what, he doesn’t care. He can LIE his way out of anything. He will twist and turn like a magician, he can place blame quite successfully on everyone else, but you will NEVER see him take any personal responsibility. Also, you mention he isn’t scared of anything. You are correct! There is no police officer, attorney, judge NOR anyone else that a sociopath is afraid of.
It is a blessing you don’t hear from him. Stay NO contact. IF he does contact you, don’t bite. Focus your energy on being the best you can be. Focus on your own well being. Focus on your needs. You will feel better.
As an adult 40+ year victim and being naturally very interested in human behavior ( a vulnerability?), your next-to-last paragraph conclusion is something I continue to debate. In my case I feel inherited genes were the decisive factor. Certainly, sociopaths outwardly maintain an attitude of superiority and “being above the law”. But I often wonder if this is not a facade they put on to hide their own inner fears (i.e. intimidation)? Instilling fear seems to be their only emotion so can it not be related? My “ex” ruled his 5 children by intimidation (criticism, debasing, physical etc.) and now they too, have developed the very same traits as their father. Interesting subject.
One more thought: The only hope I has is that Karma exists.
His Karma may be that he has to live with himself! Think about it….. how would you like to be stuck in a body like that?
So sorry … but, it’s up to you. There isn’t anyone that can do the painful hard emotional work you are facing. I wish I’d had the luxury to roll up in a ball and make the pain go away… or someone else came to rescue me. There isn’t anyone… that’s the sad truth except for Sites just like this one where your experience is validated. Hopefully in a way that leads you out of this emotional nightmare. It can be done… one foot in front of the other when you’re ready. You can do it !
Bessy, You are making this all about ‘him’. This isn’t about anyone other than YOU. Concentrate on YOU darlin!!! Shake things up and do healthy things for yourself. You are hoping for revenge, for the leg up, for closure…..closure has already happened. It’s over, he’s gone away (maybe for forever, maybe just for the past 9 months)…..you are the lucky one. Embrace your luck and pick yourself up and walk forward!!!
It doesn’t matter what ‘he is’…..what matters is, YOU! Stop focusing on him, and take your life back! Don’t waste another minute!!!
XXOO
EB