UPDATED FOR 2021. Editor’s note: Lovefraud previously published a letter from a reader whom we called “Bessy.” It was entitled, “The only hope I have is that Karma exists.” This is a follow-up letter from Bessy — she’s not feeling any better. In my response, I suggest that she acknowledge the pain.
My ex has not contacted me in 9 months and I know I should feel lucky, but I feel even more inadequate and unlovable than he made me feel back then. Why do I hear of boomerangs and “they always come back” stories and my phone is silent. Was “I” that bad???
I was vulnerable
I think I was attracted and vulnerable in the first place because I was at a crossroads, facing losing my mother, alcoholic brother, sending my only two kids off to college and divorcing after 24 years.
My whole life was me being “straight and narrow, dependable, a rock.” Then HE came along, seemingly “sympathetic” but now I know he was just fishing for information, and became everything “fun” in my life that I hadn’t had in YEARS.
I didn’t drink; guess where he took me. Clubs. I began to drink, a lot. I normally was in bed by 9 pm due to working 50 hour weeks; guess what he did — kept me out until all hours, sitting on rooftops under the stars, sneaking under “closed” park fences to sit by the rushing river.
It WAS intoxicating — at first. Then it dawned on me that IF he cared, he would not keep me out until 3 a.m. knowing I had to get up at 5. His schedule was “flexible.” Mine wasn’t. Because more often than not, I was under the influence of alcohol, and that’s when he “disclosed” secrets, either thinking I wouldn’t remember or I wouldn’t care.
I can “out” him
I want to believe he is scared of me: I can “out” him on many levels (particularly his criminal background as a child sex offender — his own stepdaughter who he says “provoked” him by wearing skimpy clothes and brushing up against him after her showers in only a towel. She was 11). My sane self says I am lucky I am not bothered; my ego self says I am disposable, not worthy of even a sociopath’s attention, etc. etc. PLEASE tell me I am normal.
I got kicked off a site I got a lot of help from in my early No Contact days, but I was a mess — literally lying in a fetal position on the floor for weeks crying. I asked, I guess, a prohibited question: What is the difference between his Silent Treatment and my going No Contact? I meant no harm to other members, I truly wanted to know (I know now). But I was immediately booted and am sad about that, I was getting terrific advice.
Still under my skin
But then part of me thinks sociopaths are scared of nothing, so why is he silent? And why do I need the satisfaction of waiting every day for his call or text, only to stick to NC and have the “upper hand.” Nothing about this is easy; and my “relationship” was only a year. After 9 months, I am STILL a mess, although better, but like I’ve read, a break-up with a sociopath is NOT the same as any other. He is STILL under my skin, every day, 24/7, and I can’t talk to anybody because they don’t “get it.” Even my therapist brushed me off.
Quit my job
I’ve had to quit the job (he was a co-worker) and have not found employment and feel rejected in that way as well. I’ve gained 40 lbs back from the almost 80 I lost. I’m just SAD. I bounce from sad to mad, but always just end up feeling invisible — after a whirlwind of noise and activity to nothing; the silence is deafening. I keep busy, got a puppy, volunteer. Not the same.
But then again, I DO NOT want all that craziness back. No way. I’m just feeling — erased. How can a person profess love one day and erase you the next? He’s going on with his life, and I’m STILL stuck.
Sociopath/Narcissist/Psychopath—I still want to know “what” he is; although it makes no difference I guess. From all my readings over the months, I think he is the worst kind — a combination of them all for which I should be grateful he is silent.
Promise ring
I recently saw a movie called “Fatal Honeymoon” about Gabe Watson and was astonished that my ex did some of the exact things Watson did. I got the “promise ring” I had more than hinted at, and oh yeah, he got it for me — but showed me the bag and put it on the top closet shelf (not in plain sight like Watson, but still) and said he’d give it to me “after you do X — or need to show me you can behave this way — or just when we were watching TV, just get up and go to the closet and wave the bag and smile and put it back. That was awful!! He was not patient by any means like Watson who waited over six months; but it was still close to two weeks probably before he gave it to me.
Erased me
Pathological lying, the put-downs, the porn and secret life. The cell phone obsession, showering and sleeping with it “in case work calls.”
The lies I even discover now, rehashing things in my mind that didn’t make sense then but I was to busy being gaslighted and all his word salad crap.
Why would I even want to see him again? I don’t. But yes, I am HURT that he erased me so easily. I expected to hear SOMETHING, even something mean or accidental or — I don’t know. But I feel like a nothing.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear Bessy,
I am so sorry that you are still struggling, even though the sociopath has been out of your life for more than nine months.
Your story highlights an important truth: When a sociopath comes into our lives, recovery has nothing to do with him or her, and everything to do with us.
In your case, the answer is in the words you have written. Here’s where you said you were when he came into your life:
I was at a crossroads, facing losing my mother, alcoholic brother, sending my only two kids off to college and divorcing after 24 years.
And here’s how you describe how you are feeling now:
My sane self says I am lucky I am not bothered; my ego self says I am disposable, not worthy of even a sociopath’s attention.
Can you see the common denominator here? It’s loss of relationships and emptiness. That is what needs to be healed.
You don’t really want the sociopath back in your life. You want relationships back in your life. Of course, you’ve also written that you’re volunteering and have acquired a puppy, but still feel empty. Why? Because what you really need is a deep emotional healing, not just a busy schedule.
Acknowledge the pain
Here’s what I suggest you do: Acknowledge your emotional pain. Acknowledge that you are suffering.
You mentioned that previously you were lying on the floor in a fetal position, crying. That’s okay, and you may need to allow yourself to do more of it.
I think every human being is walking around with deep wells of internal pain. We’ve all suffered disappointment and loss in life, but rarely do we allow ourselves to truly experience the pain of those losses. We buck up and keep going, as you did, dependable as a rock.
So for years, lifetimes even, the internal pain keeps building. Eventually, we become walking sociopath magnets. The predator comes along, senses our pain, and promises to make it go away. This is what we desperately want, and we believe that the sociopath will make it happen.
This, of course, turns out to be the cruelest lie of all. The sociopath not only fails to ease our previous pain, he or she magnifies it with even more deception and bitter loss.
And this is actually the gift of the experience. Because what the sociopath does to us is so awful, so devastating, we can no longer just buck up and keep going. If we are to regain our lives, we must finally face the pain he or she caused — as well as the pain we’ve been carrying around all of our lives.
Offer yourself compassion
So how do you recover? Acknowledging your suffering is the first step. Allow yourself to sit with your pain. Recognize that you do feel pain, without trying to explain it away. What you need to do is grieve.
Offer yourself compassion, a gesture of tenderness. Put your hand on your heart and say, “Given what I’ve been through, of course I feel grief.”
Grief is a process, and it will take time to excavate it all. Some of your internal pain and disappointment will rise to the surface, you’ll acknowledge it, let it go and then more will come to your awareness. Give yourself time and permission to go through the process.
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
At the same time, do whatever you can to create moments of joy in your life. This can be anything, from playing with your new puppy to pausing to watch a sunset.
By doing these things — acknowledging the pain, offering yourself compassion, and allowing joy into your life — eventually you’ll shift your internal energy. You’ll drain off the pain and replace it with joy. And that’s when you’ll see a real healing in your life.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on March 2, 2015.
Just read this nice quote & thought I would share it with you Bessy:
As I look back on my life,
I realize that every time I thought I was being REJECTED from something good,
I WAS ACTUALLY BEING RE-DIRECTED to something better.
Hi Bessy,
I appreciate your honesty. If I did not know better I would say that we had dated the same man. I am always amazed how similar the sociopath stories are on here. I think you deserve some really good therapy to help you grieve the huge losses in your life and to be reminded that you can still have the best parts of you that were awakened by the sociopath. It sounds like he brought out a fun part of you that alllowed you to feel alive for a change, rather than just working and being responsible all the time. I would encourage you to tap into some fun exciting activities that will bring out that part of yourself he re-ignited.
I agree, you are really lucky that he left before he took everything from you. If he comes back it will be because he feels he can get something more from you. Run towards the light, your own bright shining light. Challenge yourself to take a dance class or a zumba class, move your body, notice yourself smiling and laughing. Hang out with wonderful women who love you.
I am finding the body thing the hardest to heal from. Once the blinders were off and I realized that I was used and exploited the entire relationship I have been left with the sense of being soul raped. There is no part of me that wants to be with anyone else, I am repulsed by the idea of allowing another man into my home or into my body, which is probably not healthy either but feels a lot safer. So, my sister in healing, I wish you well on your journey and support you in your ambivilence about this creatin. Healing from something like this is really confusing on so many levels and takes a long time.
Mia
Thank you ALL for your replies. I think this hit the nail on the head–“soul raped.” He KNEW how vulnerable I was, that I was hurting and confused on many levels. He was right there to “jump in” of course and “help.” He did bring out a side of me I had never seen that at first I liked, but it wasn’t “me.” I AM dependable, responsible and strong. With him, I felt carefree and for a change, I liked that. But I also hated it. I’d look in the mirror and say “who ARE you?” And like you said, it doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other; I need to allow some “fun” into my life but not the kind of fun that will hurt me or others. I went from years of being totally available to family to practically disappearing, wouldn’t answer my cell, wouldn’t visit anyone on MY side of the family. All our days were about HIS plans, which were never “plans” but fly-by-his-pants whims. Plans, like to attend weddings, etc. never happened. Things he said he’d do for my family, never happened. Lots of empty promises.
I do know deep down this is about me. I need to heal what attracted me to him/him to me. I’ve just never encountered such a callous, deceitful, self-centered individual such as this before, but still being charismatic, fun and initially, “love-bombing.” Thus, “the mask.” Amazing.
I know because I have a bazillion extra empathy genes that I need to be more vigilant who I allow into my life, for sure. I was raised to “see the good in EVERYBODY.” I know for sure now, evil walks this earth. This is one lady that won’t be taken for a ride again.
Oh Bessy, I certainly know that uncertainty that the ex spath has instilled in us and how it continues after the relationship is over. I’m not long into my recovery n I know it’s going to be a long road to find me again but I WILL FIND HER. I LOVE HER, SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL SOUL N I KNOW SHE IS MUCH STRONGER THAN THIS. Bessy, I have learnt to not give them the key anymore. This time is for my healing n growing again. When I come out the other side of this…. By finding any positive pages I can find, read all positive healing quotes, stick them on my walls, fridges etc, go to places I love to go, do the things I love, only allow positive people in my space…. I know I will have found me again. You deserve the same Bessy. We can recover n must never forget that. Forgiving them for their illness I believe is very important. They are what they are. That is not our fault in any shape or form. We just happen to be in their path. Much love n light to all 🙂
Hello all,
I am looking for some advice on how to deal with being fooled by a sociopath. To cut a long story shot a long lost friend got in touch with me some months ago. He lives abroad, so we communicate online. For a few months he was so kind and caring towards me, almost too good to be true but then started to be possessive and trying to control me. It didn’t matter how much attention I gave to him, he always wanted more and constantly complained that I did not give him enough attention or care enough about him. Then he started to insult everything I said and called me pathetic and selfish. He also tried to control me and wanted to know where I was, with whom and what I was doing at all times. However much I tried to please him he continued to insult me and became really horrible. He did it again a few days ago and foolishly I apologised as I always do. Instead of accepting my apology as he usually does, he completely ignored me. I text him the following day, which was also ignored. After looking this up on the internet, I have come to realise that I seem to have been taken in by a sociopath. It follows the classic routine of idealise, devalue, and discard. I feel like such an idiot, however despite the way he treated me, I miss him and it hurts. Despite ignoring me, he has not deleted me from any of his social media accounts. Can anyone advise how I should deal with the situation?
Hi Confused78,
I am sorry that you have been sucked into his evil web of deception but I am very glad that you saw all of his red flags did a search on the net about his odd behavior and found your way to Lovefraud.
What most victims dont realize is a sociopath is a cult leader, does not matter if he has a large following or just one person they all do the same manipulation to control their victims mind & time. Including using reward & punishment techniques (you always trying to please him for a reward = him being nice to you again), gas lighting abuse (google), brain washing, mind control, install fear & phobias into the victims mind, controlling the victims time & who they socialize with, they eventually isolate the victim from family/friends etc etc.
The very first thing you need to do is follow the “No Contact Rule”. If you can change your email & social media accounts to a none discripted name & block him/make them private, and if you can change your phone number to prevent him from ever getting in touch with you again. If you can not then block his number & block him from your social media accounts/email too. IF he has your address and mails you letters put “return to sender” on the outside of the envelope and mail back to him without ever opening them. Advise any friend/family member that knows him to NEVER give out your info to him but instead to ignore any email/social media/phone calls solicitation from him. Stay firm on this he will try pity play (google) to manipulate back into his evil web dont buy his bs it’s all a con game.
To get him out of your life BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK & IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE HIM.
To help you heal keep reading everything at the top of Lovefraud. Donna Anderson the site creator has done an impeccable job at providing a library full of info on Lovefraud. Her books are also must read. If you go to the top of the site you can find her books under the “book store” tab.
When you need support just come and do exactly what you did post a question or vent. There is great support here for you so please dont feel like you are alone. You are going to get though all the chaos & drama this man put you though and you are going to be able to spot a sociopath very quickly in the future. Glad you made your way to Lovefraud.
Take care.
ps do a search on Lovefraud up at the top “no contact rule” and on the net “sociopath no contact rule” & “narcissist no contact rule” to learn more on the subject.
I would advise anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to go NC completely and immediately. No one can do this but yourself so do it for your own sake. Anyone who claims the pain of such a disastrous relationship will ever completely go away is faulty in my opinion. It never gets completely erased but the pain does diminish with time and distance. The angst does go away, and it remains a hard-earned lesson in your memory.
Thank you all so much for your support and kind words, which are most greatly appreciated. I think more than anything I am so angry with myself for being taken in by this individual. I am a caring and trusting person and it really hurts that someone recognised this and used it against me. In the beginning he was always telling me that I was too kind and caring towards everyone else and that I should learn to put myself first. But by the end he was constantly telling me that I am a horrible selfish girl who thinks only ever of herself. Fortunately, I am lucky to have some great friends who are trying to reassure me that this is the exact opposite of who I am.
I have gone no contact. I’m finding it really hard to maintain but every time I feel tempted to get in touch I read the articles about ST and stonewalling and I remember that he has got enough pleasure out of hurting me already, so I must not contact him and let him have any more.
Hi Confused78, dont be angry with yourself hon, please know that these guys are con artist and they will try to con everyone that walks in their path. Steven Hassan author of Freedom of Mind states that anyone can fall victim to a cult or domestic abusive relationship if they had a life change such as a divorce, relationship breakup, going off to college, a new job, a move to a new city, empty nest, etc. Why this time? because your guard is down & you are focusing on the life change and not listening to your gut reaction to someone. These evil people can spot someone emotional from a mile away then zero in then mimic the victims kind traits to such them into their con game.
Know also that the traits you have are good normal traits (caring & trusting) unlike the evil sociopath.
Excellent that you have started the no contact rule…yes it’s hard at first because you literally have to break the emotional bond (addiction) that he created by manipulating you. Keep with it though because one day you will say “I cant stand the guy” & “I never want to see him again ever”. Just be kind, patient and loving to yourself until that day. When you feel the urge to call him come to Lovefraud and read, read, read, & watch the videos at the top to open your mind up again from his brain washing & mind control. It really does help…also vent here or write in a journal to get all of your thoughts, anger, sadness etc out of your mind. You are going to go through all of the grieving stages just like a death in the family so google “grieving stages” so you understand this process.
A few good facebook support sites to vent also: After narcissistic abuse & Psychopath free
open a fake email account then open a fake facebook account so that you can vent freely without your ex or his friends/family reading them. Other site to read: psychopathyawareness. wordpress.
It’s always a blessing to have supportive friends like you do, have them read LF & psychopathyawarenss site too so that you all can protect each other.
Wishing you all the best!!
Wow! They are all the same!!
I can relate so much to the way you were enticed and swept off your feet. I too was in a rut and along he came.made me laugh like I had never laughed in years. He took me places, widened my experiences. Told me how awesome I was ( oh, hang on, maybe I imagined all of that as he said it never happened!!)
No contact will clear your mind and once that happens your heart will settle.
One day at a time and NC are the two rules to live by to get through this pain. I hae never known pain like it. I have broken up with people I loved in the past but never like this. The sense of betrayal makes it feel so much worse!!
I am so sorry to hear that your therapist didn’t understand what you are going through. You are right it is not like getting over a normal relationship, it is an addiction. I have been on both sides of the fence, on one side on one side feeling the extreme highs and lows of having these people in my life and on the other side working on Skype as an Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), Matrix Reimprinting, NLP, CBT, Heart and Emotional Intelligence practitioner helping people heal their past and find self worth and self love as well as recover from the trauma of these relationships. The ‘highs’ felt so good that I ignored my intuition and the warnings from other people. I know have close loving inter-dependent connections with other people. My clients say that ‘I really get them’.That’s only because I have experienced it myself. Yes,I have done lots of studying on the topic however I couldn’t even have begun to understand how difficult it is both emotionally and physically to get away from this type of relationship by studying books.I am finally free for the first time in my life and hope this gives hope to others.
I wish I could find someone like you. I have definitely moved on, understood deeply, and healed — intellectually — but have not seemed to fully recover and move on emotionally. I can not find practitioners who “get it” in my area. I do not know a way for you to provide info on how to contact you privately on this website. Nor can I figure out how to get on Skype, LOL!
I can feel your frustration and need to find someone who can help you. I am happy to print my e-mail address for you or anyone in a similar position who needs help with the modalities I have listed above to permanently overcome the need for this type of co- dependant relationship. My e-mail address is teresanorrisbefree@yahoo.co.uk Have you tried Googling how to get on Skype? If you can work out how to get on I would love to help you. Teresa XXX
Dear Bessy,
I just finished reading your story. I am so sorry to read of your pain.
Believe me when I tell you I know exactly how you feel.
You said that you are sad because he has not contacted you. I get it.
You said that you don’t want him back and all of the craziness that went along with it. I get it.
Read my posts and you’ll see that I am in the same situation.
Mine started in 2006 for about 10 months and then he disappeared until 2013.
They don’t forget about you. He is punishing you right now and in my case was stalking me.
Please do not spend one more minute of one more day trying to figure him out. He is a lonely messed up individual who only cares about himself.
Don’t think he will change, he will not. Accept this and no, you won’t forget but please move on.
I do not want another successful intelligent woman reduced to this feeling brought on by a nightmare evil person.
Karma, yes it does happen.
Take it one day at a time sometimes an hour at a time. Dont waste your time and energy trying to get back at him.
Try to find a therapist in your area that specializes in this.
Talking about it defiantly helps.
Write it down, all of it here or otherwise. Sometimes it’s helpful to put pen to paper. I was able to finally figure things out when I posted here.
Enter my user name on here and read away at my rants because I got to the point that all of my friends alienated me because they did not understand.
Be there for your kids..even though you said they are away at school.Pack care packages for them, write them letters and focus on them for now.
I am so sorry you are going through this but I promise you will be ok!
You will learn from this exactly the kind of man that you don’t want.
The greatest asset of knowledge and learning came to me in reading that psychopathy actually was a behavioral illness with defined traits and that it was not my fault and there was no cure. This eliminates the victims trying to make things “work” when in reality, there is no such “fix”. It helps to eliminate the self-blame and feelings of being “crazy” for the victims which is very helpful in regaining their former selves. Until then, victims go on believing that if they only worked/loved etc. more, they could somehow ameliorate the situation.