A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
Yeah, that’s the truth, Oxy!
You know, it occurred to me regarding the genetics of Caylee.
You are so correct. I saw pictures of Bundy, Hitler and even they looked like sweet little kids. Have you read about Bundy’s childhood? YIKES! He was brandishing knives around his aunt when he was 3 years old!
Bundy’s father was never really established and some said it was his own abusive grandfather that was his real father. I don’t believe we’ve heard who the father of Caylee was either. Just some stories Casey told.
Also the father threatened suicide, but didn’t do it. Had an affair with a woman who was supposed to be helping search for his GD. Hmmmm, one crazy family.
Casey’s brother took a DNA test to prove he was NOT Caley’s father, and I’m not sure Casey knows (or at least is telling) who the actual father is/was….
I had forgotten about Bundy’s father not being established….yea, the genetics of it all is so odd. It is pretty well accepted it is NOT ONE gene like for the color of your eyes or something along that line, but multiple genes or some combination of them, plus something environmental to “turn the gene into the ON position” plus there are VARIATIONS of the severity of the disorder as well.
With my P-sperm donor, his mother was without a doubt a psychopath, but also very smart and even became a physician in 1936 when this was fairly rare…her father was definitely a psychopath as well as a bigamist (also happened to be a Methodist circuit riding preacher too! LOL) Had at least 4 wives I know about but can’t find anything about his parents except their names. ON my egg donor’s side her brother was a raging P, plus an alcoholic, her grandfather on that side was as well, and on his side clear back to a P born in 1800, murdered in 1860, and lots of murder-suicides in that family as well back into the mid 1850s.
My P son’s paternal grandfather was a psychopath, “delux version” as far as I am concerned, so it is not a surprise that my P son Patrick had the genes—I’m more surprised I’m not in the cell next to him if genes are the ONLY criteria. I sure “got it” from both sides of my own genetic make up, maternal and paternal. In fact, I honestly think I have more disordered people in my family than I do “normal” ones.
My Uncle Monster’s kids turned out “damaged goods” but at the same time they are not psychopaths. One of his daughters married 4 times, his son never married and hasn’t had much of a relationship with women that lasted very long, his other daughter married an alcoholic who finally quit drinking….and none of them have criminal records, they all work and suport themselves and on the surface at least are “normal.” At the time of his death though, I found out all the horrible things he had done to them and to their mother. He was a BEAST. My egg donor knew all that too, and still protected him, just like she protects my P son. The enabling is as TOXIC I think as the abuser because without the abuser to protect them, they couldn’t do so much damage.
I’ve done my share of enabling, but fortunately have finally stopped doing it, though still have the knee jerk tendency to do it….but the level that my egg donor has taken enabling is to the ultimate limits of TOXIC. Thank God I never got that far into it.
I can’t do it any more and face myself in the mirror. Facing the truth about my biological kids may be painful, but it’s less painful than trying to deny it.
TB – pictures of bundy as an adult are really interesting. in some he looks like he is so happy and relaxed, the life of the party. even in the courtroom.
in one of her other cons, my stupid spath said she interviewed him. usually she pretended to know (or be) famous musicians. interesting choice of heroes.
One of the things that is so creepy about Bundy and also my P son is that somehow they ENJOY the “success” they have gotten….what THEY see as “success” is not what anyone even remotely normal would view as “success.” The ARROGANCE is unbelievable, even for me, and I know what it is. “Joe Plumber” couldn’t possibly get it if he hadn’t experienced it.
Oxy: I think we’ve all got some P’s in our family tree! It’s genetic but a choice too, I think. That’s like trying to reconcile free will and predestination. I don’t have the answer to it all, except to say I believe they both operate at the same time.
Well, we can enable them by our natural loyalty to protect our family. And they certainly utilize that to their full advantage. ‘Uncle Monster’….AHAHAHAHAHA! It’s amazing how many are very intelligent and attractive!
one/joy: I know! My X was the same way. In our hearings, he acted like he was ‘on stage’! Gave me the oddest feeling. LOL-famous musicians! My younger daughter is heavily into music. Goth, as a matter of fact. All the dark drama….bleh!
Twice Betrayed,
I read your comment – “I think we’ve all got some P’s in our family tree!” As I think about my ancestors, knowing bits and pieces about one in particular (a great uncle on my paternal side), I agree with you. Mental illness runs in most families (eg. depression, bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, etc.), you name it, all families have experienced something.
TB and blueJay, this is interesting, i woke up thinking about my grandparents in the context of mental health and disordered personality.
after having my n ex call me yesterday, i had some weird dreams last night. one was about my father sending me a kids book in which he had written in pencil, after the first third of the book, to read this book to a child, and at the half way mark he wrote that he was disappointed and frustrated that i wasn’t in contact with him…it went on, but i didn’t read it all. the dream got a bit jumbled up at that point. but it was also a decision not to read it.
i woke up wondering about his mom. we alwyas talked about how she would take things and twist them, and you had to be careful of what you said to her. we lived a couple of hours from her, so whatever she said would take a while to get back to us (after it had passed through a set of relatives) in its new twisted form. she lied and connived. to what end i do not know. we always said that my sib and her were alike. i never thought my sib lied – just that her perception was sooo different than the rest of th immediate family. they were both undermining of cohesion – seemed to be happiest when they were causing trouble.my gm was writing hate letters on her deathbed, and my sib was helping her by mailing them. lovely. my gf was, i think a bit of a pedophile. i know only of one incident for sure – of him grabbing me when i i saw him when i was 21. Does that still rate as pedophilia or is it incest?
my mom’s dad was a murderous drunken alcoholic depressive. who, in trying to kill my gm was killed by his son. my mom still talks about this philandering abusive, albeit brilliant man, as someone very special TRAUMA BOND ALERT. she, in her 70’s (and before the dementia) still blames my gm for my gf’s behavior….if SHE hadn’t bee such a flirt…my gm is in he 90’s and she still flirts with everyone. it is her way. she is not lascivious, but she knows how to use a ‘social flirt’ to connect with people. her 2nd husband didn’t try to bash her brains in for it, or screw around on her because of it!
the sib who killed my gf is VERY strange- scarred of course, but odd odd odd. he acts like a child – you know that 8 year that won’t stop bugging everyone? he was very successful in his high level work, never married and someone how never could figure out how to treat people….hmmm, a bit n there?
my sib had something happen to her in her teens. i do not know what it was. rape? she has said my n sire abused her when she was younger, and mom too. dad – sexual, mom – physical. I don’t know. the extent of the abuse she has levied against my mom i don’t’ believe. was there some? yes. i experienced some too. but the time and place my sisters says – i don’t believe. the stuff about my dad- well, the spath had some questions about the sire, and i think the spaths can spot that shit in others (not just projection.)
the spath called manipulation about someone else i interacted with and she was right.
my dad’s sib is also very oddd – very rigid and very self serving…hmm, do i have a little next of n’s on that side, with a dash of mental illnes and n on the other side?
gotta go – get me some acupuncture!
For the most part, humans (unlike breeds of animals that are kept fairly pure for various traits) are for the most part a mongrel breed. It was interesting to me though as a kid when my grandparents would discourage me from dating from a certain family because of the mental illness in that family….yet later, medical “science” said that “babies were born a blank slate” which we are now finding out that is NOT true, and that genetics does play a big part in mental illness….so the thinking now has come “full circle.”
And depending on your particular family, along with the dynamics of the various situations, can display the mental disorders or illnesses, but may NOT overtly display them either.
It is only because My family on both sides has lived in the same spot for multiple generations so that I can have access to the oral history about many members of an extended family to “get the information” on what is going on with it enough that now, at age 60+ I happen to be able to put 2 and 2 together and come up with 4 (an over all picture of the genetics of disorder in my family tree).
TB I’ve used the term “Uncle Monster” for quite some time, can’t believe you’ve missed it before now. It would be really funny if it wasn’t so profoundly SAD, he definitely deserved the name, though for the way he treated his children and every woman he came into contact with. I didn’t have a lot of problem with him because he knew I’d stand up to him, and he liked his victims more subservient than I was.
bluejay: Yeah, just like the Nelson family on TV. I watched those shows in the early 60’s, when I was a kid and thought my family was NOWHERE this functional and happy. HA! Now, years have passed and I’ve read much on that family, Rick and his wife, kids, Ozzie etc. Google Kris Nelson and read on her family and life! Very interesting on her family background and the Nelsons also. SHEESH! As usual, mom Harriet was the one that kept the family going and together. I do believe Harriet was a kind/good person, although like many ladies of her era-in denial and ignored much for family preservation.
one/joy: OH YEAH-P’s are absolute human behavior specialists. The other guy, that is. When I wanted to know who somebody really was, all I had to do was ask my X and he could give me a total rundown on a person w/i several minutes of meeting them. Every little niche of their personality was visible to him. And I tell you something else..you cannot lie to these people, they can spot a lie in just an email. Oh yeah, they know the truth and the know it about themselves, they are just in denial and our job is to keep the cover/lie going. And they are such tyrants we are forced to do that to survive or else leave. That’s why many of us are gone and no longer have contact with family members that we love very much. I am that way with my kids. I love them, but if I don’t support and believe in everything they do…I am banished from their presence. And let’s face it; we don’t agree with everything anyone does, let alone these P and N’s. But, to be in their circle, we must worship and adore. I no longer worship and adore these people, so I’m kicked out of the ‘worship circle’, my charm is snapped off the bracelet. AHAHAHAHA! Sometimes I feel sad and miss them and other times I feel very grateful they are not torturing me at the moment. 🙂
Ox: don’t remember ‘Uncle Monster’. He does sound like a monster that inflicted a lot of damage. It is a survival down here, for sure! This is a wicked world…full of mean and evil people!
Ox, I grew up trained in the ‘clean slate’ psych babble view of kids. That’s what I raised my kids believing and I believed it about them. That’s why I felt my kids would be fine once removed from their dad [first two kids]. Eh, genetics is STRONG—!!!!!!!! Why some of us get the one set of genes and others get the others or if God has mercy on us, or if circumstances and experiences change us or all of the above….I cannot really know, but I feel it’s a blend of them all. I’ve heard it said, adversity changes us in one of two ways; we grow colder or more kind hearted. For me, that says a lot…I choose kind hearted. As badly as I’ve been treated, I would never ever want to be one of the walking dead.
Love to all! â¥