A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
TB,
I figure it is like alcoholism, which is somewhat genetic, BUT no one FORCES the person with the genetic TENDENCY for alcoholism to DRINK. They have a CHOICE to drink or not.
My uncle Monster was an alcoholic, but he was also mean as a snake from a very early age, and he was enabled in his bad and mean behavior by his mother covering up for him….so his daddy wouldn’t find out and smack his ass for things like STRANGLING his baby sister until she passed out. The “reason” this was kept secret was that his daddy would spank him and “he might run away from home.” WTF!!!!???? “might run away from home??????”
My GM had grown up in a family where daddy was an alcoholic and abusive man so she “protected” any male in the family who was alcoholic or abusive, just like my egg donor does now. It has been passed down, both genetically and environmentally for 200 years in my family that I know of.
Yea, that “clean slate” psycho-babble was nothing but psycho-babble, and I fed into it as well. I worked hard at being a GOOD MOTHER and reading to the kids, playing with them, etc. for what? LOL Genetics won that round anyway. LOL But I am feeling a lot better by not having them around now.
Oxy: I agree!!!! Genetics is the push/tendency, but it’s still a choice. I remember making the choice as a child, around really mean children doing awful things to one another and animals, along with an abusive brother, that I would NEVER be like them. I crawled under my older antebellum home near the Gov’s mansion and asked God to help me never be like that. I shall never forget; it was a warm summer’s night, with many stars in the sky. God honored that choice for me. I’ve been thru a lot starting life that way, but it’s shaped me into a kinder, more tolerate person in some ways, less tolerate in other ways. I can see that suffering I did thru my own bad choices of people/being victimized brought me to the understanding I have today. NO wonder scripture says to not fear the one who can kill you physically, but the one that can take your soul/spirit. I am not in top form physically, but I’m in great shape with my spirit/soul! I no longer have any tolerance for cruelty and I know cruelty and abuse when I see it. I no longer believe the words and not the actions and I walk when I see/hear hypocrisy, spin and lies. I do not sit around and give cruel, mean, abusive people any slack of ‘bad childhood’, and their sobs stories. We all have a choice, and it’s up to each one of us to make the right choices. I look at the actions and if they don’t match the words…color me gone.
You and I agree on the BS of clean slate, blank minds kids! That’s a load of crap! I was a good mom too, sacrificed my life for my kids…and like you, for what? Genetics has kicked my butt too. Mine are selfish, cruel, hard hearted, spoiled and demanding adult brats. I can see the materialistic, status seeking traits of my first P running all thru my two kids by him. And my last one by the last P, is her dad packaged in a female body. Right down to the beautiful, but deadly blue eyes. Danger…….loving this person will be hazardous to your health!
I feel better when they leave me alone…because all they do/want is drag me thru the muck, dump their crap on me and then complain and whine when I am too blown to carry their emotional load. Actually, they get mad at me if I am sick or unavailable to be the whipping girl, scapegoat, yes person, crying over over their every word. Bleh, count me out! Done, paid my dues, got the scars, sick and tired. They beat me like a dead horse….tyrants. My son less so, he just wants to make certain I don’t cost him any money [his dad again].
But, we did our jobs with these kids, because of who we are and what we believe. Actually, we wouldn’t want it any other way. We can face ourselves knowing we did our best [not perfect as nobody is] and most of all we were there for them. There comes a time when every bucket sets on its own bottom and that’s where they are, they are certainly old enough to be accountable. Rant ended and off soapbox! LOLOLOL
Hugs!
hi everyone –
I have a question and am asking for some advice if anybody has any suggestions –
I recently found out that my XSpath contacted a third party in regards to me –
take note – it’s been 16 months since I left him – I Left Him – he may have had his own reasons for saying he kicked me out – but it was me that told him I was leaving.
anyway – in this contact he claims that he is concerned about me – he stated that while we were counseling I was diagnosed with a fantasy thinking disorder. hmmmm… if I was, wouldn’t the counselor have said something to me? he also indicated that it was a male counselor. Now, we did go to premarriage counseling with a male, but that lasted 3 sessions before being told it was a waste of money and the sessions were discontinued. During the marriage we went to a female counselor twice – and the second time we were there I looked him flat in the eye and told him that if he really wanted a divorce to get the papers and I wouldn’t fight him, but otherwise to quit the threats during our arguments. We never went back because “it served no purpose”
either way – if I had been diagnosed with something, wouldn’t the counselor (whether it be a he or a she) have let me know about this and maybe tried to work with me on this instead of just telling him?
Just curious.
This contact he made to the third party has me convinced that he is “obsessed” with me even tho I have left him alone and moved on. I made an error in judgement – I believed in him.
Okay – I accept that – whatever. But why he make contact with someone else in regards to me even tho he even claimed that we are over with?
Just curious….
Thanks!
BTW –
as much as I wanted to defend every accusation that he had made – I did no such thing.
I don’t care what he thinks… I don’t care how he feels about our relationship… I just don’t care about him at all.
And I think that’s what made him make this contact. I believe he KNOWS he has totally lost me. I won’t be hooked again – and that in itself threatens his sickness.
Any thoughts?
back: how do you know about this? Did this person tell you?
It’s standard P behavior to spin you into the disordered one. Look at Jesse James’ behavior once he saw Sandra was not going to reunite with him. When it finally soaked in…out came the trash talkin’. The spin begins that shows him innocent and Sandra guilty. He’s justified in his behavior and she’s the one guilty. P’s are very patient when setting the trap and with a goal in mind.
Or course no legitimate counselor would discuss your behavior with him instead of you! Don’t be concerned about his painting you disordered. It’s just another ploy. I dealt with the same thing right down to mine getting my daughter by him to call my work and try and get me fired so I would have no support. They did this by telling my boss I was ‘mental’. And it almost worked, because my boss thought surely my own daughter would not say this unless true. But then he talked to me and told everyone, including me, that I was about one of the most sane people he had ever met. Don’t rise to this bait. Require written documents state this and not third party hearsay or for that matter any hearsay. In other words-all they have going for them is their mouth…….and other mouths they can recruit. But, when it gets down to actual mental issues, somebody has to produce actual written professional documentation.
TB –
Thank you for the confirmation that I figured anyway – I really didn’t think any decent counselor would only tell him my diganosis without telling me – and of course the Spath didn’t say anything until now anyway –
and yes – the third party did bring it to my attention and yes it’s someone I trust and yes there was documentation for me to see and read for myself what he was saying.
In this communication I heard the 5th excuse of why “he asked me to leave” – of course, nothing that was brought up in the conversation or during the time of me packing and getting the hell out. just another excuse.
I have to admit – it did give me a rise and I had to go away and calm myself down. After a good night’s sleep it hit me – he was only doing this to get some form of reaction out of me and the fact that he is still umm…. communicating to people about me to defend himself, well that shows obsession to me.
back,
you can never leave a narcissist. They have fear of abandonment and it causes a terrible narcissistic injury. So yes, he is obsessed with you, but not in a good way. It makes them very dangerous, because they always want revenge.
Also, what you said about him quoting a therapist fits the profile perfectly. They always tell everyone that we are crazy. It’s projection. They know they are the freaks so they try to slander us with everything that is actually wrong with them. My spath did the same. The interesting part about this, is that they give you lots of information if you know how to interpret spath speak. just turn everything around 180degrees. We call it the 180 rule.
Lastly, the part where he invokes a therapist’s opinion is also sooooooo Classic. They are obsessed with authority. Even though they despise others in authority, they can’t help brown nosing authorities, and they will assume the mantle of authority. Think of him as a rotten little kid. Rotten little kids, like Eddie Haskell (on Leave it to Beaver) will break the rules every chance they get, but when there is someone around who has power, they will brown nose and kiss ass. And they will never miss a chance to bully those they have power over. When he invokes the opinion of this fantasy therapist, he is putting on a fantasy cloak of authority in order to gain power over you. my spath did that too. He kept telling me he read this book or that book or talked to this lawyer or that therapist, and it told him how very sick I am. LOL! He doesn’t even READ!
Your best option is to ignore him. Do NOTHING to show any emotion or even irritation because he thrives on it. If you show that you are angry, he will LOVE IT. So don’t feed the spaths.
Sky –
lol – you are so right about the Rotten Little Kid – fits him perfectly as I don’t think he ever fully matured at all except in physical form which is the only thing he prides himself on anyway – how he can perform in the bedroom. I admit I should have recognized this alot earlier, but hey! that’s why we’re all here isn’t it?
I didnt react except to make some changes regarding email information as it was evident that he was monitoring me in some way and my activities on the computer. so I hope, for now, that I have thrown him off my scent. Until next time anyway. and I’m sure there will be a next time.
I always thought that by now, there would be at least one more victim in his sights that would distract him from me and he would leave me alone. guess not…
back: yeah, you are thinking correctly. Sure, it’s natural for outrageous behavior to upset us. You are the sane one, insaneness is upsetting. LOL
Sky is so right on!!!!! Any reaction denial, upset or otherwise gives him a charge. Blank, total blankness. “Don’t feed the spaths.” Sky is correct!
I don’t mean to be unkind; but as my mama always told me: “Dog that will bring a bone, will take a bone.” Watch the third party….and your back.
I recently ran into my first PX at a funeral. He spotted me and rushed right over to deliver his compliments followed by a zing [my younger daughter is friends with him! Looked him up on facebook and they ‘feed’ each other. She got mad at me, so possibly fed him BS spin for spite or he was punting- either way, I don’t give a rat’s rear…”that I had received mental counseling”. He expressed his sympathy. No response from me but laughter. He ran like a cat with its tail on fire. Never bothered me again. I would not be surprised to find my two X’s have teamed up with each other….but I’m sharp enough to know, the world ain’t big enough for those two egos to move in the same space long. AHAHAHAHA! Birds of a feather flock together-and this is true of P’s as long as they have a goal in mind. Soon as that is over, or thwarted, they turn on each other.
Sky: “spath speak”. LOLOLOLOLOL! Love it!
Oxy,
That blank slate fallacy has sunk real poisonous fangs into the butts of some parents. I’ve knotted myself into a strangledhold trying to figure out what I did wrong so that my daughter turned out as cruel and self absorbed as she did.
Finally I concluded that she did the same in life as what I did… she gravitated towards thinking and people that matched what she wanted from life. And there was NOTHING I could do to talk her into chosing to be a caring person when that wasn’t a part of her values.
It’s not WHAT they do, it’s WHY they do it. My daughter does a dangerous job and saves lives. For the rush, for the power of knowing she is elite. It’s NOT b/c she cares about the people she saves. Thus I think she misses/loses out on what feeds a soul in exchange for feeding her ego.