A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
Yes, we all lose our umpth as we get older. Spaths bodies lose muscle mass just as ours do.
In my experience, they do not become LESS violent, they evolve their violence to be more effective. I don’t see them becoming CALMER, rather I see them having learned how to hide their behaviors. My husband’s dad is not less violent, he just learned that if he wanted to keep on with his ways, he had to control how many people saw him get violent.
Those who do not learn to control their violence get it controlled for them, in prison.
My husbands violence did not stop. He just controlled when and how he released it, just like his dad. His 1st cousin? Could not control it. Is now in prison.
What I think such articles reveal is a clinician doing research and asking questions of subjects and BELIEVING the answers of conmen VERSUS those who have YEARS of practical experience in longterm relationships. I LIVED with my spath day in day out, every moment of the day, he worked 500 ft from our house. Harder to hide behaviors with such proximity. It was only in hindsight that I came to understand the MEANING of those behaviors. Such EVIL just did not occur to me. Not when he could be so gentle and kind. Thus a total mindfk.
Hi Friends. Just logging in for support. Got email today from spath’s “friend” informing me that Spath is traveling with his new girlfriend. Why does this sting when I know what he is? Why does this make me think he was right about all that shit he said about me—that this confirms that he had every right to push and pull me and lie and cheat, etc? That he truly is finally happy as he always said he wanted to go be once he was free of me (while at the same time telling me he wanted me to stay and he loved me, etc, and took me on vacations, etc, all at the same time?) Feeling so very sad and lost. Thanks. Love, B
Louise, that one article is pretty good (in the main) actually, but I was talking about the whole cassiopaea website not just that one article.
Some people who are TOXIC (psychopathic or not) can control their evil bent and mask it very well, in fact, they may limit their venomous strikes to 1 or 2 people and keep up the front in front of the majority of people who “know” them.
As far as I know, my egg donor has limited her worst venom toward me, almost exclusively. When she is caught and confronted with it, the venom just DRIPS off her fangs, and the “look” she gives who ever confronts her (me) would kill if looks could kill. LOL
skylar says:
“back,
you can never leave a narcissist. They have fear of abandonment and it causes a terrible narcissistic injury. So yes, he is obsessed with you, but not in a good way. It makes them very dangerous, because they always want revenge.”
Oh yes, can I relate to THAT, skylar! They tell so many lies about us that they come to believe the horrid stuff they say about us and THAT makes them dangerous. Yes, completely: ‘obsessed’. Yes, back; you be aware and safeguard your safety. Never be afraid to call 911 if you feel afraid or in danger. These people are not ‘stable’ and when they get confused to a point, they just ‘boink’ out. I would assume, not all of them, but one is too many for me!
I will NEVER allow ANYONE this close to my life EVER AGAIN.
After 9 years of thinking I KNEW this person, it is amazing to me how ‘rabid’ “IT” went just suddenly against me. There is no explanation for it other than in “ITS” mind. I have never been anything to “IT” but a kind and caring woman. Always the good, subserviant little worker bee and cleaner. Yah, right…
I have no sympathy for people who have CHOICES just like us. THEY are the one’s who truly need to wake up and get a clue. But then, if we tell them that, it just excites them and gives them that adrenaline rush they love so much by stirring you up. To them that is POWER and CONTROL and they find it quite amusing.
I AM GOING TO BE NOBODYS AMUSEMENT NOR PUNCHING BAG ANY LONGER. PERIOD. MY LIFE IS AS IMPORTANT AS THE NEXT PERSON. Yes, we made a mistake by trusting someone who is sick; whether they can help it or not, is not really the question. THE QUESTION IS: Do we allow ourselves to be DEVOURED just because we care for someone and because kindness was our only fault? Hmmm? I think not.
Yes, I absolutely believe that we all have the choice in this life to follow the dark or the light in life. All of us have the choice and the option to progress in life and gain insight, compassion, understanding and knowledge or not. THEY HAVE MADE THEIR CHOICES and those choices are nobody’s but theirs. Must we not all stand responsible for our own actions in this life? Yes.
We do not, as much as we have always wished we could, we do not have enough hate to love them. But one thing is absolutely clear: the people on this blog are the one’s searching for answers and I ask WHERE ARE THE SP’S??? Probably on the internet looking up their next victim. Isn’t it free weekend on one of those dating sites? 🙂 I thought I saw a commercial for it on television earlier or something….
NO. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I absolutely draw the line at attempted murder. Nope. For me, that was the cut off point. There is no explanation that could possibly suffice for the amount of disregard, disrespect and nastiness I have came through the past five years. I refuse to get in touch with THE HATE I feel for “IT” because I refuse to let that HATE overwhelm and consume me. So, I am redirecting that energy in a positive direction: INTO MYSELF! 🙂 We are all we got. If we don’t take care of US who is going to; hmmmm? 🙂
I was literally held captive for the past almost five years just because I loved and cared for someone and was hoodwinked, bamboozled and duped the whole time. And IT thought it was going to string me along some more…hahahahahahaha; jigs up; it’s over. I dumped HIM and he deserved every stinging vowel of every word I said. And I meant each one as well.
Yes, my sp was/is a very violent person. Extremely volatile. And HE DOESNT SCARE ME; I AM NOT AFRAID OF HIM! I am not changing my life to fit HIS sick mind. HE can do the changing by staying away from me or I will have him arrested. That’s it. Period. No more playing around. He just seems to never go away….what is this? the next evolution of the herpes virus? 🙂 Once you get it, you can’t ever get rid of it?! hahaha
Brother….have we ever been DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPED. But that doesn’t mean we are stupid or foolish; it’s never stupid or foolish to care for someone. THEY are the one’s who are stupid and foolish…abusing true caring, friendship and love the way they do. They will die lonely for their evil deeds. We made a mistake by trusting someone we shouldn’t have. Our kindness was abused by evil and there is no other way to put it. WE know who WE are and they know who THEY are…
That is our justification.
Happy Long Weekend, in the States, everyone…
Make it a safe one.
DUPED
Dear Bodhi,
When you received this “news” from his “friend” you had BACK DOOR CONTACT with the X and you are now feeling down and bad.
ANY time you have contact you open yourself up to be hurt again. NO CONTACT of any kind, that means getting “news” about him from “friends” or stalking him on FB or anything else.
NOOOOOOOOO CONTACT is the way to protect yourself. I know at first it is hard, but I PROMISE YOU it will be the way out for your soul! (((hugs))) and God bless.
Bodhi: Ox is right! Block that email address from that ‘friend’. […time will take care of that feeling-just some more time to break free of the brainwashing bond.] Don’t feed the dragon=don’t give any space in your mind/life/head for any info on him. It’s a spin anyway, these people are never happy! YOU are the lucky one….done with him. Sit back, chill and take care of yourself! ONWARD! Hugs!
Duped: I hear you! Happy weekend! More than likely one or both of my X’s are on the dating sites…even tho one is married. Bwahahahahahaha!
Hi Bodhi,
Your heart has just not quite caught up with your head. This is why you feel that sting, although you know what he is. I understand this so deeply. It does dilute as time goes by.
What will help you to get to the point that you do not feel so affected is exactly that which Oxy has said to you, above. The longer you go on, without any type of contact with him, even through others, or hearing others speak of him, the quicker you will heal, and in turn not have the potential to feel hurt by what he may be doing.
I have been going through this as well and I had gotten to a place that had been not only bearable, but a renewed sense of feeling free of my feelings I had had for him. 2 weeks ago, I went out with two of my own friends that work in the same office as he. They began to tell me about a few things that he and his new victim/girlfriend have been up to, as they have been up to some heinous things together. It took me several days to get past the thought of them (together or separate they affect me, and have caused me to obsess). I have learned the hard way that I cannot engage in anything that is less than 6 degrees of separation from him/them.
Peace to you,
Eden
Katy and Oxy:
Thank you for making me see how these people operate as they get older as far as violence…how they just learn how to control it. Very good stuff…thanks!
thank you Eden and Oxy. It helps so much. Even though I know what he is, he dis such a good job of teaching me how to turn on myself and doubt myself. It has been four months of NC and I have been really good about telling any and all mutual contacts to not mention anything to me at all, but one slipped in there. I wish it did not burn. I saw his car the other day and I nearly drove into the lake. I wonder how soon this auto-panic-freak out will go away… I am happy to hear you say, Eden, that it does dilute the longer we remain NC. That makes total sense. I am sorry you had that run-in and I also imagine that the next time it happens, it will feel even less painful until eventually you don’t feel it at all. I have faith in that as I had to come to that with my mother and now we are in a healthy place of all things. I never questioned myself in breaking my ties to her. What bothers me about spath is that I still ask myself in all honesty if he was truly a spath because he told me so many times that I would not let him leave, that I was needy, etc, and that in many ways that is true. I did not leave. I did early on a few times, which he used against me our entire 3year relationship. Even though I know i did not force him to stay, it’s easy when things like thishappen to say, well, yeah, I guess he is happy now because he is not with me as he always said he wanted. I want to not think like that, but whenever I try not to, part of me says don’t fool yourself… I want to get to the point where I know I can believe he was totally messing with me by making me think I was trapping him into staying, etc, but some or several early wounds make me believe this repeatedly… that I was desperately hanging on where i was unwanted. I do not know why that is such a powerful mythology for me. Thanks again. Night, B