A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
PS: and thank you TB. I did not see your post until just now. It is so moving to get support. Thank you, thankyou. B
Hi Guys. Lies, lies, lies.
Well do I feel smart? Yes, I sure do. I thought that I would turn sleuth and so I have been busying myself working out his lies. It’s helped me enormously.
Now I know that it’s not recommended we give them ’head room’ but I NEEDED to know. And now I do—..I feel a sense of GOT YOU, YOU BAST8RD.
I have found out about his lengthy times in prison, the abuse of his children, how they were taken from him and put in care. How his grandchildren were put in care (this bit was pretty sick)
But the BEST thing is he NEVER had the qualifications he said he had (two jobs) he was just mimicking others and he’s got away with it all his life. Ha ha, he dresses up in the uniform and PRETENDS like a kid. Well that’s him all over ”.one BIG LIE.
So now I KNOW who he really is. Lying scumbag. Thing is even if (and I have no intention of) I faced him with the TRUTH he would come up with another LIE. How bonkers is that?
But I KNOW and that’s all that matters. I know the truth.
I am a believer in ’what you sow, so shall you reap’. He is going to die a very sad and lonely man. His life will have been wasted. So in the end, he is the loser.
Today I’m off to an event with lots of GOOD people. I will not be lied to, made to feel stupid, be mocked, made fun of, ridiculed, be a money bank for someone else, be cheated on, be frightened or the hundred and one other things that spath put me through.
So, to all of you out there in LF land. Stay NC it’s so liberating. Stack up the LIES verses what we thought were the good times. Do not get hung up on the other stuff because it’s all pretend, a fairy tale. With spath there is no happy ending.
We make our own destiny. Get out there, swim in new clean pools. Good things WILL come to you. As it says on the ads ’BECAUSE WE ARE WORTH IT’
BTW ”“ not sure if I said”.I got the job and a £100month pay rise thrown in. How brill is that?
Ps. I opened my post and there’s a cheque for £24. I know it’s not a fortune but take joy from the little things and greater things will follow.
Good to see you back Duped. Louise keep going, you are doing well.
And to all of you other Lovefrauders out there……It DOES get better if you stay the course.
THANK YOU DONNA:
For writing what you did. I completely agree with you. YOUR experience was just as harrowing as anyone else and it should not be minimized!
I appreciate what you said about reasons ‘why’ the sociopath was even let into my life in the first place. I grew up the child of a very busy heroin addicted mother and never knew my father. I saw photos of him once. I think I saw my ‘biological mom’ maybe 4 times in my life. HER FATHER, a retired Sgt from the Army, raised me or GOD only knows where I would be right now.
I had one half brother who passed away several years ago. The only family I have (which is more than enough for me) are my four grown children, two of which live quite close to me.
I have been self sufficient since the age of 16 years old and just turned 60. 🙂 (SHHHH!) At the time I let sp into my world, I truly wasn’t ‘looking’ for a relationship with anyone, having just come out of a serious relationship with a very wonderful guy who just happened to be extremely bi polar and would, at once, love you and tell you that you are beautiful and then try to physically PEEL your face off, without warning or notice for no reason other than his moment to moment temperment.
After reeling from THAT relationship, I buried myself into my career and decided THAT was a better, safer, place for me: to concentrate all my efforts on myself now that my family is grown and on their own. Then along came “IT”. Spath of all spaths.
The psychological devastation this “THING” has wreaked upon my life is completely inconceivable. Truly. There is NO WAY I can even ALLOW myself to consider another relationship. I have tried to date a few times and I just really am not into it at all.
After escaping “IT”, and my heart attack and being mind controlled for almost five years, I am just happy to be alive.
Sure, I get lonesome but I am more grateful for the peace and quiet and the ‘alone and solitary’ life than for any kind of human connection. Although there was very little physical abuse done to me, most of it was emotional and psychological trickery. Manipulation.
This experience has been the most difficult I have had in my life and I have seen some pretty horrid things being in public service, the majority of my life, along with the array of things that had happened in my highly dysfunctional family growing up.
I was extremely vulnerable at the time I fell into this. IT manipulated me into almost oblivion and I allowed it to happen just like IT said to me, as it laughed and mocked me…
I came out of my ‘shell’ for “IT” and “IT” knew it. I trusted “IT” and “IT” took full and complete advantage of me to the point of literally taking my life from me. And I allowed it to happen thinking IT as a normal person, would not destroy me but help hold ME UP as I HAVE ALWAYS HELD IT UP. It wasn’t that way at all. IT WAS ALL ABOUT IT and ONLY ABOUT IT. PERIOD.
I knew right away, in the beginning, there was difficulties in his psychological ‘make up’ but we had been friends for such a long time, I thought I could ‘love’ him out of it; instead, he almost took my very breath.
For almost five years, I was mind controlled by IT using my emotions, my caring and the whole time it laughed behind my back and was insulting me to others…the more I complained, the more the NON VIOLENT ACTS of abuse. The only reason he has never beaten me like he does all his women (I know, remember: we were ‘best friends’ for a long time….) the only reason he has never beaten ME like he does all his other women is because I have always REFUSED to let him be that close to me for too long. MY INNER SANCTUM IS MINE LONG BEFORE IT CAME ALONG.
It is difficult to explain the torment I have been through with “IT”. I was a NON FUNCTIONAL person for almost five years. I felt just like a hostage being released from a dark, dank, cellar after having nothing the center of my life but “IT”. Once I trusted “IT” and let “IT” have control of my life, it almost snuffed it out. Getting ‘over’ so much distrust is a very difficult thing to overcome.
I don’t NEED a relationship around me to make me feel ‘whole’ and ‘complete’. I LEAST OF ALL “NEED” something like THIS in my life but it was an experience that has made me more aware and careful because this nightmare is unsurpassed to me.
For five years, I was on call 24/7 to a ranting lunatic. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was a drooling idiot up until just about a year ago. THAT is how deep MY RABBIT HOLE ran. I didn’t lose any money; he never stole from me but he took something much more important from me: my ability to trust and to have faith in ANY relationship.
I have never been a ‘serial dater’ nor someone who has always had to have a ‘relationship’ about me. I guess that came from growing up the way I did. I was raised to be self sufficient; not a whiner; to be strong and to forge ahead and not look back. That only has enforced my avoidance behaviors which for an empath, such as myself, is the only way to fly. 🙂
Sometimes the only way to survive something is to ignore it.
Although most psychologists say that this is the wrong way to handle things, sometimes it is the only answer. When you just let go and start to live the flow of life instead of dealing with the demons. Just let them pass by and relish every moment without all the hardships.
Thanks Donna: what you said is soooooooooooooooo important to grasp. VULNERABILITY. That’s what they look for. “LOVE” to them is a tool and not a real emotion or theory they actually subscribe to. Instead of ‘flowers’, consider yourself lucky to NOT be dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, drug down the hallway and beaten to a pulp and told you are going to die.
I have lived alone the past almost ten years after my ‘other’ sp encounter and surprisingly THROUGH this experience. I grew up in such a dysfunctional situation and family that I had already honed myself into a solitary life, not wanting all of the emotional baggage but opted for a career instead. My career ended with the existence of sp in my life. My PHYSICAL HEALTH went so downhill I ended up having a massive heart attack that is directly attributable to “IT”.
All total, with everything considered, my x sp is looking at approximately 13 years in prison; along with his accomplice “new victim”. What a pair they are! Two of a kind. And they have been unleashed on the world.
Every so often, about once every 3 months or so, I will get a threatening, ominous, message from “IT”, with him just trying to keep that ‘infliction’ still alive and no more or less. I see it for what it is now: a desperate ploy to try inflicting more moral conscious and caring, which isn’t going to happen anymore. Something happens to you when you realize that YOUR LOVING SOMEONE HAS ALMOST COST YOU YOUR LIFE!
No, I have blown off dates and relationships and prefer to stay locked into my own, safe, quiet, peaceful life. For five years I lost myself; my friends; my family…for what? He had me conditioned so well that I just locked myself off from life and from living. Sat and sobbed 24/7, waiting for the next ranting phone call. It was emotional torture and abuse of the worse kind imaginable. I would almost have preferred to be beaten because the bruises will eventually fade but what “IT” has done to me will NEVER fade.
I have been in heavy counseling for the past four years with a therapist who is somewhat ‘new age’. I do EMDR therapy along with some hypnotherapy and NO DRUGS. Drugs only cloud the issue for me.
Up until I became aware of YOUR STORY, Donna, I had been floundering for an explanation because “ITS” actions were so completely unwarranted or deserved…
In the short time I have been here at LF, I can’t begin to tell you how much my eyes have been opened and how strong I have become. So much so, even my psychologist has remarked to me what an immense change they see in me. So, I thank you, again, for stepping up and holding the doors to hell open for the rest of us trying to escape. You are awesome, Donna! xxoo
We believed in the lies we were being fed. We WANTED to believe that person would NOT purposely try to harm us. We trusted them and that trust was displaced. The only way to escape is NO CONTACT. I am still working hard on closing that ‘back door’. With the threats I have experienced, I keep that door open JUST FOR MYSELF as an ‘early warning’ device.
There has been NC from me for two months now. Although “IT” likes throwing things in my face, every couple of months, just to INFLICT himself upon my thoughts. It used to upset me, now it just makes me laugh and I move on. NC has been in effect for two months now and “IT” will NEVER hear another word from me but “IT” can just keep sending all the ‘threats’ “IT” wants…makes excellent court material!
No; I have NOT communicated with “IT” and don’t intend to ever again. Enough is enough.
The ‘back door’ is going to slam shut and soon.
It’s the only way I am ever going to step over the threshold of the past, into the future. I know this.
With the ‘threats’ coming, I leave that ‘difficult’ to get through PATH for communications from him, open but I never respond. Eventually, “IT” will just go away….
hopefully.
Oh yes, be very careful about the advice you listen to as you are coming through this. There are no ‘easy’ solutions. Don’t ‘serial date’…sure, it will validate you for a moment…then what? On to the next? No. We have to get comfortable in ‘our own skin’ first before ANYTHING will ever work again.
We have to stand up and say: “NO. This is unacceptable.” And then stand up for ourselves.
It wasn’t about “US”…it was about “THEM”.
Once you establish NC keep to it.
I have locked that door FIVE TIMES since November and each time I believe “ITS” lame ‘I am sorry’s’ and was sorry for it. There will be no more doors opening. The only door that may open is the door to A CELL.
I so completely agree with you Donna.
Happy Fourth of July! I hope it’s amazing for you!
*BLESSINGS*
DUPED
Duped – thank you so much for your kind words. I am so glad that Lovefraud is helping you – and everyone.
Duped – Thank you for your above post – I admire your new found strength and peace of mind. I am gonna have a great fourth of July weekend – single and lovin it ~! I can light my own fire cracker…..
Like my first PX who ratted out on our kids, never seeing or supporting them said to me at a funeral we both attended last year, “You popped our kid on the rear for throwing a fit when she was little…so you are not the good person/mother everyone thinks you are.” I just looked at him and replied: “Well, why on earth did you sign away your parental rights to such a bad person?” Ooopsssss….slam dunk. I will never ever forget this insight into the P mind my last X gave me…his exact words: “The best defense is an offense.” Ta dum….game plan revealed.
((((((((((((((((((((((hens)))))))))))))))))))))))))
You let me know when you got that mass production of them t-shirts ready; you hear? 🙂 xxoo
I am soooooooooooooooooooooo getting over this now, in a HUGE way and let me tell you what…he should be glad he isn’t around in the area. hehehehehehe
Light a firecracker for me too, hens.
Blessings, Love….
Candy, So happy for you! Yes for your found clarity, but mostly for your new Job, pay raise, and the check you received! I think this is what is called KARMA. The GOOD kind! And you deserve it!
Best wishes!
Eden
Bodhi,
Thank you for your sweet words. In regard to what you have written in your last post, particularly the second half, always try to remember that all of those things are what he did for control, as well as to relieve himself of being/taking any responsibility of what he was doing with/to you. He wanted to make you feel responsible for what would be the outcome of your relationship. All very negaitive, isn’t it? They are all so negative. Everything about them, as well as all of their motives and actions. It is only in the beginning that they come off as the most wonderful people in the world. Thankfully there are those who are truly good, in this world. Now we can use our new-found tools to aid in making more conscious choices for ourselves.
Keep moving forward, and doing all the things you must, in order to achieve profound peace and serenity in your life, as you move ahead.
Much Love,
Eden
I’ve learned something; we need to be VERY careful what we let into our minds-whether it’s ‘news’ of the PX or even a movie or news story that stresses us. It affects our healing even if we do not realize it at the time. Just reading about stressful events or an over exciting movie or being around someone that puts us in a pressure situation stimulates our adrenals and we risk our healing.