A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
Ox: LOLOL-rebuild Rome in one day! Well, you know, I didn’t do hardly any of them! I just cannot use weights at all! I will drop weight so fast, it’s unreal and it’s how I kept in shape for years. When I add weights now, I mean even five pounds, I get very sick, even if I only do ten reps…I’m sick.
Ah, yeah, salt! I keep my salt low, even though it’s said with adrenal stress to add salt. I get spinning in my ears and dizzy as all get out, if I add salt. Never had that before in my life. I don’t miss salt, never was a salt person. Now, I liked sweets! I haven’t eaten sugar in years. I ate some two years ago at Christmas and was sick for three months [that and flour]. That’s when I came up Celiac. Shoot, I’ve got everything now. LOL
Hey, EB! GREAT to see you too!!!!!!! Yeah…you are right…breathe.
I’m trying to figure out how to never see my family again. ROFL!!!!!!!!
I don’t know where for sure to post on this site yet, so I am going to try here. I am married to a sociopath. Praise God that I can finally give this person who has put me through such pain a name. I have read several of the posts and you are out there, you know what I am going through. My friends say to just leave, it is so complicated and confusing. My heart is broken once again, but not because of him because of all the promises I believed and all the false hope I have carried for 11 years. I am numb, does that sound crazy? I just go through the motions and try to keep everything as perfect as possible so HE isn’t angered. Can someone please write to me, I feel so alone.
Hey Folks,
Good lawd I just scored a 409! Your right Oxy, Change = STRESSSSSS!
*I have a confession to make; sometimes I tick them off by disagreeing and not worshipping them] on purpose to make them mad so they will let me alone. *blush
Patti1987: Oh honey!!!!!! WE know how you feel! NO, it’s not crazy at all! Numb is part of it! Sure, realizing it’s all a lie is devastating! You can only pedal so long ahead of the dragon…is there any way or any one that can help you leave? We’re all here and we’ve been there! Hugs to you! â¤
Patti;
Yes…..we get it…..we are here….talk away girl!
There is some sort of enlightning when we can ‘figure’ out ‘what’ they are! It will all change for you now.
It depends on YOU, what YOU want and what YOU are willing to do for it.
You’ve got an opportunity to make an exit strategy since you’re still in the home with him.
Start PLANNING GIRL…….document, photocopy, change passwords, put money away and start protecting yourself.
Gain strength……collect yourself and a plan up…..and work it until you execute it!
Welcome to LF….sorry you’ve found the need to be here, but you will find much support and information on so many levels. Read, go back through the articles…..and NEVER LET YOUR Husband know you KNOW what he is….it won’t change him…..NOTHING will!
what you now know….won’t change HIM…..
Take control and change YOU….that is what your life is about anyways!
XXOO
EB
Patti: do you have any books or written material to help you get started with validation and understanding? The books “Women Who Love Psychopaths” and “Love Fraud”?
TB….that would be called an antagonist…..and I confess…I’ve become well versed in antagonism these days with certain peeps too!
When I feel myself being pushed up against that perverbial wall…..I antagonize as I push back.
I say….fuckem if they can’t take a joke!
EB, LOLOLOLOLOL!
* I truly don’t agree with them or what they are doing, it’s just most of the time, I don’t verbalize it. When they are pushing and trying to shove some agenda or behavior down my throat and I’ve had enough=I express it, just to get it over with and make them mad because I know they will ban me, if I’m not in total worship. I get seasons of quiet and peace this way. Otherwise; if they get validation, they will rag me into the ground.