A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
Dear Patti,
The advice our lovely Erin B is giving you is right on…..do NOT let him know you are planning to leave…..and read and read and read and learn. KNOWLEDGE IS YOUR POWER, and the only way you can save yourself and take back your power.
Do you have children with him? He will use them against you. Count on that. It is a Foregone conclusion. A FACT. Expect it.
But, they will be better off in the end with one sane parent (you without him) than with a brow beaten puddle (you) and an abusive father (him).
There is a lot to learn, but you can do it. there is great support here and you will go like a yo-yo, but still you can do it. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW. GOD BLESS!
Welcome Patti 1987,
You will find great help and relief here. Hope you stay around and you WILL feel better.
Hi Patti1987-I’m sorry that you had to find us but it’s SO good that you’re here. ErinB has the best advice around in her post. So many people here have been through so much and know what it takes to get through. What everyone has said is true. Never let your husband KNOW what you KNOW he is. It will just make him worse. Read all these articles and post to all of us and you will make it through.
Thank you for all me comments, things are just so out of control. I met him at work and yes, he was the answer to my prayers. The lady he was living with, he told me was mean to his daughters (two now 19 and 21). We talked for almost a year before I asked him to move in, to help him and his children. We didn’t date, have physical relationship, nothing but talk. He moved in and within 3 weeks was seeing his X again. The place he was then working at fired him and I think now it was because he was taking time off to be with her. God if I knew what I know now I would have told him to go back. I have refinanced my home twice to pay off his debt. I have borrowed from my 401 K to make ends meet because he was laid off a little over a year ago and went with out a job for almost 9 months. He has cheated more times than I can count. And the drinking and drugs started about 4 years ago. He hit me about 8 years ago and I called the police (it happened twice) I did not press charges because he go on his knees and told me that I was everything to him. We very seldom have sex but he has memberships to porn sites. And the hitting incidents, he told me a few years later that I lied and he didn’t hit me. It wasn’t until his daughter said Dad hit you and I saw it that I knew I wasn’t over dramatizing the episode. My mom died last February and within days of her death he got up one morning and threw one of the wine glasses she had given me and shattered it because I didn’t wake him up early enough. I left to go to work and he called me and yelled at me because I didn’t stay and clean up the mess. I have been cleaning up messes for 11 years and I am so tired of my life. Both cars we have are in his name, we sold mine. So the one I drive, I only use when I have to, it is almost 3 years old and has less than 25,000 miles on it because I don’t want him to get mad and take it away. My friends at work tell me to just leave, they don’t get it. They don’t see it and what is happening and I hope they never have to go through it. My son loves me but doesn’t believe me anymore when I tell him I am going to leave because I have said it so many times before. He has destroyed 2 of my computers, phones, pictures, I could go on and on. I have been left at a restaraunt and had to walk home, at football game, he left me because my team won, I had to call my kids to get a ride home, he told his daughters what he had done like it was what I had coming. We now have separate bank accounts, he opened his when he finally go so temporary work last year. I am paying for half the house payment, car and utilities he gives me the other half but all the groceries, car tags, repairs everything else I have to pay. He went on a jag about dogs a few years ago. We had 8 total and I was feeding and cleaning constantly to keep up with them. Then one day he was tired of them and they disappeared one by one. Now it’s plants there are over 70 the last time I counted. My water bill has doubled because of all the watering he does. Everyday I dread him waking up because I don’t know what in his sick life will make him mad and cause a scene. The only reason I can write this now is because his temporary job is a night job (thank you Jesus) and he is not here. I have put my house up for sale and my plan is to go our separate ways. I hope someone buys it. I hate selling it, when I bought it 15 years ago it was with a promise to my son that I would. He tells me now that it is ok just do what I need to do. But what if he gets in a mood (husband) and doesn’t want to sign the papers to sell? What do I do then? Not selling is an option. I know in my heart it is the only way to get HIM out of my life. He has told me that he is immortal and not like other people. I have watched looking at himself in the mirror when he is talking to me like he is watching his greatness. And when I finally have to tell him that I am not moving with him…..I am very afraid of what he will do. I saw a post about the evil eye look. He did that to me the other night. Like the clueless person I am, he was disrespecting me, saying cruel things and interupting me when I was trying to talk to the kids, he waited until they won’t around and then he looked at me with all that anger and hatred in his eyes and told me in a very low voice that only I could hear “YOU NEED TO SHUT THE F UP” I almost laughed! Wouldn’t that have been a mistake? lol I don’t love him and I want him out of my life. Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks again for the support
And, I don’t have children with him. his oldest daughter completely supports me, the younger….so very heartbreaking tries her best to please him and runs all his errands, she is who my heart breaks for because I feel it will be her in my position when I finally get out of this hell. Also something out of the mouths of Babes that just uplifted me (and maybe I am out of line) but the oldest daughter has a 2 year old that i just get so much joy from. She was over a few weeks ago and I told her we had to wake PaPa for work, she looked me in the eye and said “I don’t like PaPa…I have always been told to trust animals and childrens opinions….
Patty-I am SO sorry. I tried to send you a post but it got lost (stupid computer). I really think you need to try and get out of there. It is very scary that he hit you before and I am concerned about that. It is so good that you are able to read and post here while he is at work. You were so right about what you said about the grandchild too. That is really something. I probably can’t give you as much advice as some of the others on here because our situations are not similar, but there are others who can.
I was with a guy who was married-conned into a relationship because he lovebombed me and told me how I was the love of his life and all that and I had really low self esteem. I threw out my moral compass for him and he hurt me terribly-emotional abuse and f*****g with my head and my heart. He hated women. He wanted a nice respectable wife to take out on his arm but then had affairs with pretty younger women. He told so many lies to get me and then tried to make me look like the crazy one in the end. I was so in love with him but I was in love with a person who he was pretending to be-he was wearing a mask. That is my short version of the story. It definitely doesn’t compare to the situation that you are in-especially because he was never scary-only on the day he dumped me-that’s when Mr Hyde came out.
It looks yours is Mr Hyde way more than Dr Jekyll. Keep talking to all of us because everyone here will understand.
Patti,
LOL-I’m not like other people, I’m imortal….Like if he just woke up and you hit him in the head with a glass bottle, he wouldn’t bleed???? NOT that I’m suggesting that you smack him one…just sayin’.
Glad you’re posting and getting support you need.
Blessings to you, Patti
That whole immortal thing and worshipping himself in the mirror gives me bad freakin vibes.
Hi Ana, the hitting him with the bottle is kind of appealing but of course I would never do it, but I think he would. He stays on the outside of the law, just outside the law, never getting caught. Some of the scams he has done, really wish he would have gotten busted. And the whole time I was scared they (police) would come after me. You know about 6 months ago he got mad and broke the mirror in my hutch on my dresser because I made a decision on my own. I called the police and do you know what they told me? “Sorry mam, we can’t do anything about it, it’s community property” They said I should leave. I know it would be safer, but REALLY?? He destroys my things and I should leave?
Elizabeth Bennett,
So, now you ain’t bored no more??? Just kiddin’ you got your snowball…that’s a good thang.
Let me entertain YOU, let me make YOU SMMMIIIIILEEE!!
::tap dances, does yoga, and runs on eliptical::