A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
Patti -Hi. Welcome.
In your first sentence above you said that things are out of control. Well this is DAY ONE of taking back your control. Now you have help and a listening ear on LF. You will find GOOD advice here. Like any advice you will have to fit it to your circumstances (and some may not apply)
Red flag one happened when you started dating him ”“ ’the woman he was living with’ He did it to her and he will do it to you. Spath told you ex was mean, guess what? Whan he finally discards you he will say that YOU were crazy. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING. They usually have a couple of women on the go ”“ it’s called triangulation ”“ and spath loves it. He loves the drama.
As per the advice above”do not try to figure him out, it’s just wasted energy. He has NO SOUL and NO conscience (although he might pretend he has ”“ they mimic)
Re-financing your home, debts, bills well the others here at LF can empathise with THAT. Most of us have lost BIG TIME.
Physical abuse ”“ this is a big NO NO. This is about CONTROLLING you. When he feels he is losing control he will hit you to ’bring you back into line’ Then when he realises he’s gone too far and that you called the police he falls to his knees (puking here) it’s all to manipulate you into dropping the charges. Then later he says he never hit you (yeah right!) They erase things in their mind and think that we should do the same.Should you go through this (physical abuse) process in the future I would advocate GETTING HIM ARRESTED and FOLLOW through.
The porn sites ”“ these are purely for his own sexual gratification ”“ they give him a buzz.
They break the things most precious to us (like your mum’s glass) because they know that sort of behaviour hurts most and if you step out of line he will break other things (this is the threat he’s implying) Then he yelled at you for not cleaning up the mess!! You could jump through hoops every day of your life in a ra ra skirt singing Dixy and guess what? Yep he would yell at you because you were not juggling balls!! You can’t win with him, never. It’s a no win (for you) situation.
So, he sold your car and now you are dependent upon him. This is what he wanted. You are afraid to even notch up a few miles on it incase he gets mad?! He is controlling you from the minute you wake until your eyes close at the end of the day. Take back YOUR control. You are living in FEAR and that is no way to live.
No, your friends will not get it, not unless they have been spathed.
Your son loves you (count your blessings, many on here have lost their families through spath) but he’s heard the same old record time and again, so why should he listen now? (right?) You have to show him that THIS TIME you MEAN IT.
He destroys your stuff because ”..it IS your stuff. Here’s how it goes, if you are not ’nice’ to me you will ’pay’. This way he keeps you in line. We are soooo busy trying to stay ahead of the game that we lose touch with what is/is not real.
He left you at the football game? Again this was his sick idea of ’paying you back’ because you had ’one-upped him’ by your team winning.
The separate bank accounts will work in your favour. Save a little if you can, but WHATEVER you do, do not tell him your plans. If he knows your plan you may be in grave danger.
Keep it a secret from EVERYONE if you can.
Someone else on here was blessed with a puppy for Christmas which turned out to be a curse! I remember spath did not care for the pup ie feed, clean, vet bills etc so it was not such a great ’gift’.
If you want a quick way out (re: your house) you could auction it. If you take this route I would strongly recommend disappearing until the sale goes through. Then maybe you could rent far away and if there is any money left you could try to re-build in the future. I’m confused. You said it’s your house then you say if he signs the papers. Are you joint owners?
He says he is immortal—..I know you are getting the hang of this now—.because he wants you to think that he will ALWAYS be there and that there is no way he will ever leave you. One poster on here said that her husband used to leave the gun on the table when he went out for HER protection! Well hell no, it was to remind her that he could shoot her at any time if she stepped out of line.
Oh, they do so love a mirror. That’s what they do mirror themselves on everyone else.
The predatory stare is (in my opinion) one of the scariest things my spath ever did. It was like looking into the eyes of the devil himself.
Oh yes, and they love to interrupt, like everything they have to say is SO much more important and valid than anything we might have to say. You ask about laughing”.I would suggest you do not, for your own safety. What I would suggest is that you go (as we call it here) grey rock. No real response, be boring, no drama.
Now you KNOW what you want to do, be very careful, secrecy is key. Make an exit plan as advised above. Get your kids maybe to lodge at a friends, put money aside, gather important documents etc BUT I cannot emphasise strongly enough the need to be CAREFUL.
His children/grandchildren – you CANNOT be responsible for them. Look after you (and Yours) you cannot ‘save the world’ you can only save your small corner of it.
Good luck.
Patti – whist I was composing my reply many good people here have responded to your posts.
You have been given a LOT of advice and your head will be in a whirl.
STOP, THINK, PLAN.
patti – had my bath and just read a bit more of your post…
‘And then there is the cell phones’ When the time comes. Stop the phones, buy a pay as you go. Do NOT give him the number.
As for the car insurances, if they are old enough to drive then they are old enough to buy their own insurance.
BTW it’s not dumb, these are real issues which you can be thinking about NOW.
Utilities – urrmmm, not sure. See what others think.
Remember this is about YOU and until YOU are free then you are in no position to fret about your kids (they’re adults right? and if they are his kids….walk away, you owe them nothing – his problem)
I know this sounds harsh but for once put YOU first.
Facing the fact that these P’s do not change, do not care and we have been seriously defrauded is very difficult. The more time/investment we have in the ‘relationship’, the more difficult it is. Think Arnold and Maria. Look at Christie Brinkley-she got snared by a P years ago. But, face it we must, if we are to survive. Thinking we can ‘force’ them into correct behavior is foolish. Also thinking they will go peacefully is just as foolish. It’s like being behind enemy lines and you must get free. You do what you must to save yourself, including letting some things hit where they may.
Thank you Louise and Duped for your kind words about my post. I realize I must post years two and three, being how cathartic it was. I will do so soon. My four year old, rightly and happily so, takes up most of my time, and turns out is my best healer of all. And I realize that part of the healing process is sharing and processing here, etc. I am so “relieved” (you know what I mean) Louise, to learn that you had such a similar story. I would love to hear your entire story as well. Mine had several other married women too. What a shmuck. Just a few other thoughts before I head out…. I am a practicing Buddhist and my heart will simply not allow for me to despise/hate this man or experience in any way. I feel the pain and anger and I still love this man as I do all living things. Does that make sense? I do not love him the way I used to, obviously, but I do not wish him evil or harm of any kind. Does anyone else have any insight or experiences of this nature?
DUPED: Are you still in Socal (or were you ever?) My hometown… I miss it terribly but in many ways do not. In many ways, LA is my other Spath. Ha! Love to all, B
Hey Bodhi….
*BIG HUGS* to you this day!
Wow: ‘cathartic’….is that what that was? 🙂
I can so relate to you; deeply and truly.
It was absolutely the most horrid experience of my life and sometimes, being educated and aware as I was prior to this, didn’t seem to help me steer clear much. I have always been a very kind and strong figure that could step through anything but that was not the case, with “IT”.
*BLESSINGS* Bodhi….I relate to your not wanting to hate.
As I told “IT”: “I wish you no ill well so stop throwing it at me. Go away and stay away.” I can relate to your convictions; I can. At the same time, we must find that thin line of taking care of and defending ourselves. A lot of people cannot be that disciplined in their life. I admire you.
I am happy I came here and found your post.
What is that? Being an x neighbor! Don’t you like masses of rude people or what? 🙂 I am in between LA and PS. Ha: ‘other spath’…yes, I certainly can relate to that as well. THE TRAFFIC ALONE will push you into a PTSD trigger! 🙂
I have learned to become ‘hermitized’. If that makes any sense. I had a massive heart attack in October and am just now getting back on my feet and x sp not only pushed me into my illness he also encouraged a relapse afterwards. Naughty sp!
Like 3 yr old children, stomping their feet because they can’t have what they want.
This “IT” has been OBSESSED with me the past almost 9 years and it got real creepy towards the end. Lots of threats, legal issues, etc. Nothing I can’t endure….I have already endured the worst of all possible scenarios minus the physical abuse, as long as you don’t consider the medical issues that have befallen me “ABUSE”.
I was the 3rd in the triangulation. But there were many others after and during me. It took me a long time to peel the b.s. off my eyes and there is NO going back to that hell for me. Never.
I have limited time left on this planet and it is MINE not “ITS”.
OUR moral values and beliefs and convictions make us the people we are. This battle we are in with our conscious is a lie and as soon as we recognize that, that the whole thing was nothing but a lie, suddenly, we realize just exactly what it is that has happened to us.
I was held emotionally and psychologically captive for five, long, agonizing years by “IT”. And, “I” allowed it to happen by being DUPED into thinking I was ‘helping love the boogey man away”…the only thing I did was ENABLE the boogey man to torture and abuse me more. There is no conscious nor self awareness from these people.
In the beginning of my recovery, I learned many immediate stress relief exercises: breathing control, tapping, etc. I was taught different things by my counselor which, over time, DID, tremendously help me.
Stress relief techniques can be found on the internet or if anyone is interested, just ask and I can steer you to some that help within a day or so, using stimulation of the natural chemicals within our own bodies.
While I believe drugs are necessary for some people, it was not the good direction for me, so I found other alternative ways to relieve that horrid nightmare I was living.
I have been in in-depth counseling for going on five years now.
It hasn’t been easy recovering from ‘catatonia-land’ but I am starting to find my way out of this ‘rabbit hole’ and am considering starting a self help group in my local area.
It’s a big project and I am letting someone else pull it together and then I will step in. 🙂 The only way for myself to make peace with all of this is by turning all this ‘dark’ and ‘wrongness’ and ‘evilness’ into something positive and refreshing and helpful. THEN I will be able to lay it down, I think.
Justification is my inspiration to action.
Vengeance and retaliation is not in my instant response menu 🙂 So, I completely relate to you, Bodhi, just take care to protect that beautiful empathetic soul you have. THAT is our responsibility as well. xxoo
DUPED
Bodhi-I am sending a huge ((((hug)))) for your post from last night. I appreciated it so much and it is so amazing what you have come through. I’m so glad you were able to get if off your chest.
i can’t figure out what the hell is wrong with me the last three days. i am wondering if it is a mix of things. i am mad as hell, and very overwhelmed.
mix:
1. the n ex calling. i have a painting that looks like her. it isn’t her, but every time i look at it i feel such anger in my chest.
2. trying to do some work for work, and getting overwhelmed and frustrated, and not getting done what i wanted to. had to walk away from it.
3. i have to get my place together – in particular my work space. ever since the db moved in upstairs and i had to change my room use around again, i have been angered and overwhelmed. nothing is in its place. I moved my dresser into the ‘bedroom’ and THAT made me mad. i don’t want to be sleeping in there.
4. HUGE pile of papers. work related. trying to get through each paper. hours of anxiety sorting. i need more file folders and another cabinet. i got through about 2/3rds of it by pushing myself. i don’t want to keep living and trying to work in this dysfunctional pile.
5. i responded to a room wanted ad (via a local network i trust) a few weeks ago. i used to rent rooms to visiting scholars all the time. I asked enough questions that i was able to goolge this person and know that a) they exist and b) it probably isn’t the spath effing me around. We have exchanged a couple of emails – and I have asked what her needs are in terms of type of place. i used to be so good at interviewing people. now i am just on freak out mode – i am forgetting all the questions that i used to ask to figure out if i wanted to have someone live with me.
i have this problem – i feel like everything is happening at the same time. and as i am writing this i realize it is not. if she comes here it will be in two months. but FIRST, i have to figure out if i want her here. or anyone. i may be rushing this.
6. this was a long weekend. i spent way too much of it freaked out or doing work, apt. arranging stuff. and i am upset about that, too. I felt so clear headed a few days ago, and now….blech.
if i didn’t know better i would say this was severe PMS. i had an acupuncture treatment on friday and have been disconcerted ever since. and then the n ex, and the stupid board on thursday. i am trying REALLY hard not to use something to deal with this. no food, and no extra anti-anxiety meds. i feel really bonkers and am just trying to ride it. but it is riding me.
Good evening all, he finally left for work, ahh such sweet words.
I want to thank each and every one of you for the compassion, empathy (wow! yes there are people out there who have that) advice and hugs. If I say it was a mixed blessing please don’t take it wrong. I was such a relief to read that I am not crazy and he is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. I have known for some time now but I guess I needed my feelings validated. So again, thank you so very much.
I have cried and felt anger and confusion and disgust for the life I have been living. I was just sucked in and sadly I did it willingly. Going to take a while to get over that one.
I read the things that some of you have gone through and my heart aches for all of you and I have a pride for you for taking the steps to move your lives forward.
I do know that I can do this and I will survive. I lost a son and my best friend to a drunken driver some years ago and almost died myself, and I do miss them every day, but I survived and I forgave the man who hit us. If I can make it through that, I know I can make it through anything.
And as I read your posts in reply, unfortunately the house was put into both names when I refinanced. Hine site is so haunting isn’t it?
Moral Compass was a home run that phrase is, I have compromised my principles, lost the compass long ago. I have never done drugs but they are now being used in my home, never would dream of cheating ever. Never been in trouble with the law. I guess I was a perfect pawn. Caring wife and mother. Cooking every night, cleaning house, cutting the lawn, raking leaves, running all the errands, taking kids to sports, choir, band (and paying for all of it) making sure every Christmas was special, decorating the tree outside lights Christmas shopping, wrapping all the gifts, the first one up to make sure we had the special rolls I make for the Holiday. Staying up with kids to finish homework, projects, taking them to the Dr, sitting with them when they were sick. I stepped right in, did it all, trying to make a wonderful life for our family. All the time walking on egg shells. It is no wonder I am so tired.
And then I cry some more. I was the one in school most likely to succeed. I was the one that people marveled at how together I was, had my head on straight. Boy if they could see me now.
You see, I know I can do this, it is so draining though, to keep up the front, to be strong, but that is who I am.
Just right now it is kind of hard. People don’t believe me anymore and I don’t bother to say anything because I can see it in their faces “Here we go again”.
So your support is so kind and appreciated and over whelming because it has been so long since I really felt like someone actually cared.
Sorry, as I said I have been pretty emotional all day.
Just know that in my prayers I thank God for everyone of you and ask him to Bless you as you have Blessed me.
Hugs to all of you
Bodhi:
My story is very, very long even though we were together for only a short time. So much happened. I would love to tell it all some day, but I would be typing for hours!
Basically, I do feel the same as far as wishing him no harm. Sometimes I get in an angry mode and I do hope he gets his Karma or I will feel like doing something for revenge, but I never go through with it so all and all, I just try to pray for him. I don’t really know what else to do at this point. It’s either that or try to make his life miserable for hurting me, but that would only make me miserable and keep back door contact.