A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
Patti:
So sorry to hear you lost a child and your best friend??? Wow, you are right…if you got through that (and you were also injured severely), you can get through anything. Leaving this man should be much easier than that…you can do it. I am so sorry you had to go through that…you have been through a lot. My heart really goes out to you.
I am with Louise. Most of the time, I have great empathy for my x-spath and for what he is facing, given that both his parents died before 50 of cancer, he smokes and drinks, and is most likely HIV+.
As a gay man, I sympathize with the rapid aging in appearance he has experienced in the last five years. Even though he still looks good, the boyish look is gone and that was his best physical feature. I would be horrified to be in his position.
Whatever empathy I have, the reality is he manipulated and mirrored me into thinking that he was somebody unique and special. He is none of that. Still, I wish him peace and some measure of happiness.
Hi Louise,
Going through what I have makes me who I am though and I would not have missed the chance for anything in the world not to have had my son and friend in my life.
And yes I feel sorry for him, how awful to go through life mirroring what your feelings are, I would rather hurt like I am now then feel nothing but the need to control and dominate someone.
Hey Patti-glad to see you back here. BTW, you can call me Liz or Lizzy if you want. I don’t think I told you that last night. No one ever types out my whole screenname. I read your first post from this evening and I know just how strong you are. If you can live through that accident and the losses from it, you can make it girl. I knew a family once who was hit by a drunk driver and it was terrible. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. And it is painful to feel like you’re not living up to your potential. I am going through that right now. I can barely put food on the table due to my situation and single women w/o kids get no govt assistance-not even food stamps.
Enought about me-you will get through this and try to keep a stiff upper lip when he’s around and don’t let him know like anything’s wrong. We don’t want him to get suspicious and start actin a fool.
One Joy,
You don’t need no roomate, you, my dear, need a SECRETARY! I used to be one, and delt with people just like yourself….ONE envelope at a time please (yes, no, trash).
I’m sorry you have to deal with the n ex calling…Geeeez!
Did you ever consider getting rid of/selling that painting so it doesn’t trigger you?
Can you get to your garden and put your hands in the soil, and do whateva you green thumbs do (I have a black thumb…any plant within 5 feet of me dies : (.
Just wanted you to know I’m thinkin’ of ya.
Hi Liz, good to see you as well. I don’t understand how the government decides on their assistance. Makes no sense at all. Everyone needs help sometimes, look at what a mess they are in and who is going to help them?? I would bet it will be us, the tax payers.
Patti,
Great to see you back! If my post’s ended abrubtly last night. For some reason my post’s wouldn’t show up!! I emailed Donna and now it’s corrected.
Glad you are trying to work things out for YOU. Stay in touch girl. 😛
(((((((((((((((( one J ))))))))))))))))))))))))
Can you say TRIGGERED?
I read your post and I see N ex all over the place as to the reasons that your coping abilities MIGHT be compromised.
I think I need you to clarify for me, is this the same wicked evil woman who is going on trial shortly? That’s enough to be triggered, I think…..
One, I don’t do triggers well and I still freak out. I can’t think straight and everything is muddled and I’m just flat frustrated and ANGRY!
I think in times like that, just sorting through ONE thing at a time, prioritizing which needs attention first, will help a lot. I can’t advocate for taking extra anti anxiety meds, unless you consult your doctor first, but if it’s too overwhelming, you may want to contact your doctor as well as perhaps doing some meditating or just working in your garden until you can even THINK about prioritizing….roomie comes later….
Anyway, just know I’m thinking about you and hoping for the best. I think with this trial coming and her contact (I’m so sorry, I have no idea what that was all about?), if it is indeed the same person, would definitely be very triggering.
Be good to yourself One J. You CAN do this!
LL
Ana – YOU are so right, I do need an assistant! thanks you made me laugh. I was supposed to go to the garden tonight, but i knew that the minute i put my hands in the soil, i would go ballistic. hands in soil does that for me – all the anger intensifies.
so, i went swimming. big waves, good for struggle. then i sat and meditated and found huge pockets of self hate and more guilt that i knew i carried. ‘guilt’ has been a recurring theme these days.
i really really need an assistant – in life and at work. i am asking for one at work – no way i can get everything done without one.
i will start asking for one at home, too. maybe i could find a personal organizer or someone of that sort to help? i just need to get things back together. i can’t cope and i am not going to end up like my sib, with her little pathways through the mess of her house.
ps – the painting has never triggered me before. I know the painter and the connection to him is what i think of when i look at it.
LL – did you get the email from Donna with my contact info? I know you are not on lf as much as before, and I wanted to connect with you.
no, the n ex isn’t the spath. the n ex is someone i was in love with who i went out with in 3D. last time i had contact with her my words were, ‘i never want to deal with your anger again’. 2.5 years ago, she pulled a punch in front of my face, and stomped off back to her city of origin. She sent me a letter a few months later (my response was ‘never want to deal with you again’). she sent one email with a change of address after that, which i just deleted.
she called on Thursday. whoa. i was stunned, i said, ‘sorry, no can do’ and hung up.
is this what this is, ‘triggered’? The rage is similar to the crazy rage i used to feel at the spath. but this doesn’t seem directed at the n. at my dad (right, didn’t mention that – it came up while i was walking to the lake) and some of the stupid bs dysfunctional people on my board, and the situation that puts me in – but what i am seeing most is self hatred. guilt. frustration.