A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
Dear Near,
My son is 15 years old, he will be 16 soon. He doesn’t want to hear anything negative about his dad and is staying neutral. He has pushed down his emotions and said he tries to not think about it.
I know it’s a lot for him to process and do not want to add to any trama but I feel like I should give him some skills and knowledge on how to deal with spath dad. I put son in counseling and he didn’t open up to the therapist so that ended. His dad (soon to be ex spath) is also a sex addict and has hidden it well, I think anyone and anything is fare game, including family.
And you are not nosy at all, it really helps the healing process when there are people who actually get it and can give you more insite on the situation. Thanks!
Dear 4theloveofgodwhy,
Oh boy, you really had a good (sarcasm here) one. She sounds like she fits the profile of another woman mentioned here about 6 months ago. I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. Moved 37 times? Those poor kids.
You need to stay strong and get into therapy when the pain is too great. There is NO shame in therapy for yourself, it helps us when we wonder what the heck just happened and who is this psycho we fell in love with? You are a caring person who deserves to have some peace in your life. Give the children what you can but it’s most important to get yourself healthy.
I know those dark places that are so hard to leave, they still sneak up on me and I obsess about them. It was an attachment we had with a sick person and it is a strong bond because of the intermittant reinforcement.
Please keep writing here and know that you are not alone in this journey. Your spath was a preditor, is a preditor and will ALWAYS be a preditor. She was like a lion in the brush, just waiting for for you to walk by so she could stick her claws in you when you least expected it.
Keep your head up and I’m sending you a big hug!!!
Dear Erin Brock,
I know, it bothers me more than it bothers my daughter that she is ostracized by spaths family. It is sad and at the same time, could be a blessing. She said she doesn’t want to deal with them if they don’t even care enough to call and talk to her to find out what really happened.
Her cousin was her best buddy when she was little but they grew apart when we moved out of state. You would think that they would still include her in the family gatherings. Losers.
Well, now they know how I feel because I sent out that letter. It will probably come back to me (look how craaazzy the ex is) even with all my proof. Somehow they talk their way out of everything.
Mormon, that does not sound like a very christian family if they disclude your kids and not include them. I thought Mormon’s were supposed to be really close to their families. Maybe your ex spath did have some family of origin issues too? Your kids are better off without them, but it still hurts.
I just didn’t think this could happen, you probably didn’t either. You were so busy ‘faking’ the cancer and your ‘fake’ chemotherapy. They are so freaking believable that I bet you were even wondering half the time if you weren’t nuts. They have that ability. It’s like a counter super power used by super villians.
I know your super spath swung both ways, did you have any idea of his leanings before the sting in the hotel?
Dear Hope4,
Good to see your posts! Some good advice to others! Sorry the therapy didn’t work out for junior. Wish it could have helped. (((hugs))))
Dearest Oxy,
Thanks for everything, you are the bestest ever!!!!! Junior is so stoic now and I just give him lots of hugs and let him know I’m here for him. I have to realize it’s out of my control, if spath were still here I would still be living in the crazies and that wouldn’t be good for my kids.
I still read your advice constantly, you are really intuitive and articulate and helped me immensely (actually not talking to me because of the snake was a good thing)! It was a wake up call, hello Hope4, can’t you see the flipping snake right in front of you?
When he finally left, his behavior was text book spath, which gave me validation for my decision. I’m now reading “Beyond Codenpendency” and trying to be mindful of my self defeating attitudes.
Big hugs to you Oxy, hope you are getting some rain! You are the best!
Hopeforjoy: Oh, sounds like he has built a defense for his dad, or himself. Since he doesn’t want to hear anything bad. Usually people that are neutral want to hear want both sides, this is just shut off. 🙁
I know it’s a lot to take in, I had to do it before his age and I became really quiet and withdrawn for a long time, actually.
I hate to ask you this, but do you think your spath touched anybody in your family? You said he was sex addict and everything was fare game. 🙁
Yay, I’m not nosy! Not too sure my advice or thought are too helpful, though. I’m not exactly a pillar of perfect judgement and character, since I can’t even shake my spath dad. ^_^
Near-how is your birthday going you big 21 yr old?
Lizzy: Hey, buddy! It goes well! I’ve talked to all my grandma’s today and great grandma. 😛 So I had to take some time for that, but it was fun too.
My dad popped in… without calling or anything. He just opened the door and walked in while we weren’t even in the front room. It was kind of creepy, and the mood of the day was little messed up since this. I know lovebomb is a popular word here, but I’ve made a new word for when he shows up: Shitbomb! Once he shows up everything goes to hell and we feel drained when he leaves.
Other than that I ate tons of cake and other junk food! ^_^
Pretty relaxing compared to many 21 year-old’s parties, but I liked it. ^_^
Ah, golly, gee whiz, Hope4joy, you make me blush! Glad my ramblings helped you, you have sure come a LONG WAY BABY! since you got here.
I think many of us have those “codependency” or “enabling” tendencies. I prefer the term “enabling”–but the behavior is about the same, it is doing for someone what they should do for themselves. I had a therapist tell me years ago that the ‘ONLY LEGITIMATE RESCUE IS TO PULL AN UNCONSCIOUS PERSON FROM A BURNING BUILDING”—she was right, but I didn’t see that at the time.
It is amazing to me how we can actually SEE what we WANT TO SEE, like hypnosis almost, we want something to be real so badly we actually SEE it in front of us.
I think your son is not so much “neutral” (like Near was pointing out) but he is uncomfortable with getting out of denial—he does not want to see the truth because it is too painful for him to realize his dad is a piece of carp. I think you are doing right by just giving him as much love as you can and give him time to learn for himself. He will or he won’t but if he is not willing to get out of denial yet, you can’t force him.
I’m so glad you are doing better! I’m like a mother hen sometimes (I’m working on it!) and I was so worried about you, but you came through like a champ! TOWANDA!!!!!
Near-Good. I’m glad you didn’t go get wasted or anything. That always feels so bad the next day. I don’t even remember my 21st birthday or what I did that day. I guess it wasn’t that big a deal. I remember a lot of more important stuff though.
@Ox and H2H,
Thank you for your support! No, I have not had contact with him for 6 months. Once I placed all of his stuff in the garage back in January he moved out. The only information I do hear on him is through his ex-wife. We talk occassionally, and when we do its usually about our day to day life without the Spath being in it. Unfortunately for her she has a daughter with him so she has to stay in contact with him. She harbors alot hate for him too, but the problem is she has fought with him so much in and out of court that he keeps woeing the legal system and she loses. So she has surrendered and believes now no matter how hard she tries he always get away with it so she just gives into him. He fought for more custody for his daughter but he works out of town and I was the one taking care of her. So his ex tried to explain to the court that he does not take care of her and the judge still let him get away with it. He owed a bunch of child support and the court let him off. He always convinces everyone that he is this great hardworking father but really he is not. His ex-wife can’t handle the stress anymore so she gave up trying. Like right now he took his daughter away for a week so he could introduce his daughter to his new prey, but her mother has no idea where he lives, who this new girl is and she just let him take her because she does not want to fight with him anymore. The courts don’t care. Anyways, if it was me I would have never let him take my kid away to a place I have no idea about, but his ex said if she does not let him he will continue to destroy her. Sad that she has to feel that way. So, although I don’t talk to him I do hear stories about him. I am pretty sure his ex would not talk about me to him, but maybe I am wrong. Her and I do share life stories together and she knows I am dating. She is the one who told me her daughter went up to see him, and it did upset me because I know who he is and the fact that he does not care about introducing his daughter right away to a new girl is alarming. I wish I could talk to some of you here on LF by telephone. It sure would feel good to hear a voice from someone who understands what we are going through who have also dated a spath. Your words alone are lifesavers! Thank you so much!