A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
TB,
I can relate to your posts at 11:41 and 11:56.
My spath could work any crowd of people. When in a crowd of evil people he could ensnare them to cooperate in evil with him. It fills the evil people with glee.
Conversely, when dealing with good people, the natural choice is the pity ploy which good people can’t resist because it’s our nature to rescue. In this case, the rescue could only happen if the good person broke a “little, insignificant law” to “help out” this really great guy who needs a break.
But in the end, everyone ends up trapped into cooperating with the spath. The good people mostly ended up dead because he envied and hated them anyway. The evil people just sit around waiting for the spath to give them more commands. It’s disgusting.
Chelsea, listen to Oxy: they CANNOT, WILL NOT CHANGE.
If they did, hell would freeze over.
Reaping what you sow is a matter of perspective.
John 17:13-16 (KJV)
13 And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.
14 I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
15 I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil.
16 They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
Chelsea, what you have sown is not in the material world, it is in your heart and that’s where you will reap your reward. The spaths are the opposite. They may seem to reap earthly rewards all day long but they cannot enjoy them because they have no values, only envy. They want material rewards because it is through envy that they determine what they value. They only value what others have, what they see makes others happy and what they can take from others.
Yet even once they’ve taken what they want they are always on the lookout for someone else who has something they don’t. It’s a never ending cycle of unhappiness and envy.
That is what they’ve sown and their blackhole hearts is what they are reaping.
Twice Betrayed
You kinda proved my point about the lairs of spaths. They stay where they feel the can control things. They CLING to image of control b/c to go out in the world and actually have to BE is to allow outside influence a loss of control. My husband lived the life his parents decided for him and hated that life even as he admitted he CHOSE it and could change it anytime, but he took his anger and flustrations out on me, not on them and has NEVER told them NO.
I have said my husband sold his soul for approval from parents whose souls are empty of any kind of love. But at least they LOOK good to shallow people.
Skylar,
THis comment you wrote is a perfect addition to Oxy:
“Chelsea, what you have sown is not in the material world, it is in your heart and that’s where you will reap your reward.”
People hijack the meaning of “reap what you have sown” and we who hurt get blinded and sit and hope for it to become true.
You reminded us of the true meaning of the phrase. God bless Oxy and God bless you.
Katy
Katy, New life on the “doing battle with the sociopaths” thread is having a difficult time with her 12 yr old son and her X alienating him from her. I posted to her but I thought in light of your situation you might also have some words of wisdom for her. Thanks.
After reading countless testimonies of what it was like to have married one of these creatures, and have children, I feel blessed that I have only been emotionally scarred and have been spared the utter catastrophe that has befallen so many. My wife’s childcare aide, who practically lived with us, was able to worm her way into my personal life and wreak havoc with my family. It was so subtle no one noticed. It’s amazing the amount of red flags one chooses to ignore. Bottom line here is that she was totally envious of my wife. I think covetous is the right choice of words. Of course I discovered this only after everything had played itself out. Pretty insane everything that ensued: the outrageous behaviors, her risk taking, you name it, she did it including coming on to me…..While mentally I was quite confused and stimulated by her “charm” I’m glad my body ultimately rejected her advances…..My wife finally fired her because her work ethic sucked (I was doing most of the work). Plus she thought that she and I had some kind of “weird” relationship. We did. Anyway, when I started to realize what was happening after she was fired I confronted her. She knew I was on to her and she quickly slithered from my life, and, more importantly, my wife’s life. I ended up telling my wife about her aide’s personality disorder and how she tried to ruin her/our life. We are extremely fortunate that this bitch is out of our lives!
Sky: I relate!!!!!
KatyDid: Yeah, that was my point of ‘dens’. They all keep their smaller inner circle of ruling power. That’s where they can always run when life gets real and gets tough. But, depending on the power and pathology of the P how much they branch from that and how higher up the evil ladder their rule is. My last one was high on the P scale of power madness and was not content to collect charms. As soon as he powered over someone he was bored with them [would keep them on the bracelet for future N worship]but had to move on to larger and larger arenas. My first one P was/is terrified of leaving his worship scene because he’s sold his soul for it. Out of that environment he becomes in danger of seeing himself and what all that has cost him and most of all where he’s headed….
Dear Spacific,
Welcome to LF—sounds like you are a bit smarter than the Governor of California LOL Glad you were able to get this woman out of your life before she ruined your life and wrecked your family.
Hi One Step ”“ I read your post and thought wow, that’s me today. What the hell’s going on? I could fall out with my own shadow.
For example”today I was sat at a red light for ages and ages. I could feel my anger rising after about 10 mins and thought ’I’ve had enough of this’ so I jumped the light ( I have NEVER done anything like this) anyway I got pulled over by the workmen, who suddenly appeared from nowhere! I was mad as a hatter and gave them what for. Didn’t do me much good, I had to wait until the queue had gone before they would let me continue. I felt so silly. BUT I rang the council (cos I was still fuming) and told them to get the roadworks and the red lights sorted because it was absolute chaos.
By the time I returned home there was not a road sign in site!
My point is —that I hardly recognised the angry woman I had become. Like you said it was like PMS. But it’s not that because I was menopausal 2 years ago. This may sound silly but the full moon always used to have an effect on me. I’m a Cancerian maybe that’s why. Something to do with the tide?
So where did this ’new’ aggression come from?! It scares me.
I do hope you are feeling a little more settled by the time you read this.
Maybe others can shed some light on why we are feeling this way.
Hi Katy – I do have outbursts (which are often internal) that are PTSD showing. It seems different than what i have been feeling these last days – the falling out with ones own shadow is a great description.
LL suggested that i sounded triggered – but it was a roiling up from the deeps feeling that i don’t remember feeling beofre. I often see my triggers and respond in a certain way, but this one was new to me. I have a lot of self hate coming up – which suggests to me that maybe i am challenging some old conditioning. and a lot of guilt (whcich suggests the same) I did something for myself a few years ago, that was incredibly positive and the self doubt and shame that rose up was shocking. because i knew that it was positive and good, i just let those feelings be and didn’t give them a lot of attention, and they slowly subsided.
i know i am dealing with lots of ‘who am i?’ right now. i am not the nice kid who keeps up with her family anymore – i am the kid who gives cards to her n sire strategically, and who blocked his email address last week. I am not the ex who stays connected to her old loves, i am now the woman who hangs up on n exes. i am not the poster who puts up with things that have been irritating her for a year and a half, i am the woman who speaks back, and not so gently, and not so thoughtfully (still trying to find my right feet with that one – it’s okay to be not so gentle, but my ego is getting involved and that isn’t necessary).
i have been bullied and manipulated and am sensitive to people trying to dominate me or others, and anything that smacks of that gets my back up. so, my question to you would be – (beyond the hair trigger PTSD anger response) – what did you feel like was happening when you were having to sit at that light?
I get really rangy when i feel like what others’ do blocks me from reaching my work goals – this is in part due to the fact that i feel like i have to give my all to meet my goals, and their obstruction will make it impossible. (add PTSD and shake)
i am angry at the ex n. (finally, i can feel it today) she had no right to call. she was told to stay away. domination: check. she is a bully: check. her call also reminded me that i did not get what i wanted in a relationship with her, or with the spath. sadness, disappointment, low self worth, fear for the future: check.
disappearing road signs = our emotions.
Dear Candy,
Anger is part of the grief process roller coaster. It is something that is NORMAL, TO BE EXPECTED, and something that we can’t avoid if we are going to experience a healthy grief process.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did a great deal of research on grief and she summed it up into several stages, denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and acceptance. But they do not go 1,2, 3, 4, 5 and over, they go 1, 4, 2, 3, 4, 1, 5, 2, 5, etc. up and down like a roller coaster but never in order. Eventually you will come to acceptance but then BAM! you will lose it and go back to anger or sadness, but eventually you will get to Acceptance and STAY THERE.
Many times I have been at acceptance and felt I was “over” a grief, only to be FLUNG FACE FIRST back into the swamp of despair or the hell of anger….but then you just work your way back out again, one step at a time, one day at a time, one emotion at a time.
I remember when I was about 30ish my beloved grandfather died, and about a year later I had grieved and grieved, but in the middle of the night I woke up so gosh darned MAD AT HIM FOR DYING AND LEAVING ME THE SORRY SOB HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO ME!!!!!! I was furious at him for dying and leaving me! At the time I didn’t know what the “grief process was” or anything and it scared me that I just WOKE UP in the middle of the night furious at him, it didn’t make any logical sense why I would be mad at him, he didn’t deliberately die, but it was just part of the grief process, and believe it or not after that passed, I came to accept his death and to be able to think of the good memories and not be sad or cry.
So whatever your emotional high or low is, think of it as part of the journey toward healing and acceptance, a stepping stone through the swamps of despair. YOu will get there! (((hugs))) and God bless.