A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
candy
Thanks Oxy. It sure is a roller coaster. So, if this anger is good, then I’m normal?!
I was always taught to suppress anger. Urrrrm need to think about this one. I was the kind of shy kid that would cry if someone was shouting.
Today I had a sherry (ok you guys, stop laughing) I’ve not had a drink in”..6 months. Living out here I have to drive so I don’t take chances. I just felt the need to take the edge off all of this stuff in my head.
Thank you for sharing the story about your grandfather. It has helped me to make sense of my situation.
You are right, some days it is like a swamp and I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away. I feel like I’ve been coping sooooo long and I’m tired. So very tired. Some days it’s overwhelming.
I can’t talk to the family. They have ’moved on’ and I cannot burden them with this.
Maybe I’ve been overdoing things, I feel ‘stuck’.
Ox Drover
Candy emotional work is just as tiring as digging a ditch with a shovel. It TIRES you out! Wipes you out, so get plenty of rest and some recreation, be good to yourself, avoid people who set your teeth on edge and TAKE CARE OF YOU….the anger will pass, and become something else and one day you will just sort of notice that “Heay, I’m happy!” It has snuck’d up on you while you weren’t lookling. (((hugs)))
Back_from_the_edge
I am getting increasingly ‘grounded’ with each day that goes by now. Wow: I never thought I would EVER get to this point in my recovery. Just never. When I stop to think about the nightmare my life has been the past five years, I am simply AMAZED that I am making my way out of this maze that has plagued my life.
I am so thankful “IT” is out of my life.
I know that sounds so ‘heartless’ but it isn’t. It isn’t hateful, either. It’s just GRATEFUL! 🙂
I know I still have a long ways to go but I am finally making it.
It’s wonderful to have that ‘oppression’ off of me. Truly.
After five years, I never thought I would ever be able to say that. I just wanted to share this because there IS hope; there is.
Have a nice night everyone…
DUPED
ElizabethBennett
I just do not understand women.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Candy – have you read kathleen Hawk’s series? Here are the two on anger:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/03/02/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-5-getting-angry/
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/03/22/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-6-getting-over-not-being-angry/
Twice Betrayed
Duped: that is SO GREAT!!!!! Here’s to HAPPY TIMES!
Bodhi
Hello SoCal buddy and all… I was feeling that exact thing today, too. Like, hey, this No Contact thing, after 4 months, is working! It works! I find myself actually moving quickly toward indifference. The yucky gross awful moments are getting stronger; the “happy” memories are viewed in my mind from a new perspective.
It seems the more we act/behave lovingly toward ourselves (no contact, enough sleep, food, not smoking, being gentle with ourselves, not scaring ourselves, etc) the more our minds will follow. The same way Oxy was saying about smoking, how the cravings sometimes come, but once you stop long enough they pass quickly, lose their power of you because we are now used to treating ourselves with love and compassion. So, just wanted to add to Duped’s hope message, to have faith that it does get better.
I had another clarity about facing the despair that I so feared facing when I thought of leaving the Spath… the fear and dread that I go into despair without him, the adrenaline “promise” and “dream” he offered would leave me totally alone and broken… the addiction to the push/pull dynamic, etc. Of course, the despair was not bad and not at all what I thought. It had been much worse in life, much worse, and I was basing my fear on that.
Second, although I have been on this path for quite a while, when we parted ways for good, I was/am finally able to dive head first into the despair and accept the here and now as the best moment of my life. If anyone reads Pema Chadron (sp?) or Eckharte Toole, you know what I am talking about: going into the pain, etc, without trying to make a story, make it go away, just feel it and survive it. We can. We do. And there is amazing liberation in being in that moment fully alive and present. I hope this does not sound preachy; just sharing what I have found to be my truth. I spent so much of my life running from the here and now because of past trauma, etc, and the Spath was one of the best diversions around; he took me so far from my trauma that I actually believed… well, who knows what. Long story short: turns out the here and now is fully doable. It’s actually beautiful and full of abundant love. It means for sure, that I am alive. Anyway, “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema and “A New Earth” by ET are two books that consistently provide me the insight and unconditional love and kindness I so need reminding of along this healing journey. Night night, lots of love.
Back_from_the_edge
Bodhi, My Friend….
So lovely to see you and know you are doing alright.
Yah, sad and unfortunate, but NC does work….
You said it so beautifully and precise. Yes! You DO understand. I have completely felt the exact same way.
Thanks for sharing your suggestions on ‘reads’…
I haven’t gotten to that point yet where I can get back to curling up in bed with a good book….I was an AVID reader all my life….now, I do it briefly, online, mostly. I will save getting back to reading for deeper into my retirement.
I just wanted to say ‘thank you’ for defining exactly what was in my heart. All of it. I can’t change a single word you said…it’s all true. All of it. And we are seeing it TOGETHER, my Friend. 🙂
We are SURVIVORS.
In every single sense of the word.
*Blessings upon Blessings to you*
DUPED
Back_from_the_edge
((((TwiceBetrayed)))) Some days are diamonds,
some are stones. 🙂 xxoo
candy
One step/Ox. Thanks for the link. I’m feeling more like my ‘old self’ today. Have done lots of things I needed to do, and that makes me feel better.