A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
Louise
Nope, mine did not like animals at all…said he was too selfish for pets. Boy, that was a tell. He also didn’t watch movies. He said the only time he watches movies is on an airplane. He said he also doesn’t listen to much music. Hmmmm, so think about it. He doesn’t engage in anything that has emotions attached to it…good music, a good movie, pets, etc. He did give me a list of bands he likes, but I guess he doesn’t really listen to them. So interesting. He also had different tastes in food and a weird sense of time.
ElizabethBennett
My exspath loved dogs. He had two big beautiful golden retrievers and he talked to them like babies. I always thought it was so cute. It even seemed like he liked them more than he liked his wife. After she moved out the house and into an apartment close by, she was still going over to the house to check on the dogs when he was working all those long hours at the hospital. Those two dogs were half dead when she found them-dehydration, he left no water and one of them had gotten into his prescription meds and ate them and she hate to take them to the emergency vet. She of course called me to let me know-“look what the man you love so much did-he almost killed his dogs. You really going to keep such a high opinion of him now?” I just hung up the phone.
Louise
I am really surprised by the people who are saying their spaths liked animals. I always thought or heard those type of people do NOT like animals; have no affection for them. Mine sure didn’t. Maybe they are/were just pretending like Skylar said?
ElizabethBennett
Louise-you should have HEARD him babytalk those dogs like two human babies, and called them his puppies. It was almost sickning. Of course I just thought it was the SWEETEST THING EVER-at the time, now it makes me wanna puke when I think about it. Maybe he just like them cuz it was an excuse to always take them out on long walks so he could use that time to talk to me on the phone without her finding out. Anytime he “just couldnt take it cuz he HAD to talk to me,” he would take them out for a nice long walk
Louise
Lizzy:
Yeah, he loved the dogs so much he left them half dead and dehydrated! He obviously was only pretending. Anyone who truly loved their pets wouldn’t have not fed and watered them. They are all idiots!!!!!!
ElizabethBennett
Louise-I know and when he moved in with me he brought 3 really huge fat cats-all of which I took care of. I had to give one an insulin shot everyday. Two of them slept in bed with us and they scratched up my silk bedspread and made massive holes in it.
THen I panicked cuz I thought I lost his favorite cat. I came home from work one day and couldn’t find it ANYWHERE. I was in tears and freakin out-thinkin they he may have gotten out when I left for work. I went around to all the people on the block asking if they’d seen him and I was panicking. I finally called him in the operating room crying cuz I couldn’t find the cat. He said don’t worry he’s there someone. He came home and searched EVERYWHERE and couldn’t find him anywhere and he started to get anxious. Finally he looked in the back of this long closet where there was a hidden shelf and there he was. I can’t believe how freaked out I was. I was so afraid he would break up with me for losing his cat. What I freakin fool I was. On the day he moved out I had done a huge suitcase of his laundry cuz one of the cats peed in the suitcase and wet everything. It was SO FREAKIN nasty and it stunk so bad. It went all the way through the bag and into the hardwood floor in the corner of my bedroom. Do you know what cat pee smells like when it won’t go away? I had to buy special stuff to put on the floor to get the smell out.
Twice Betrayed
Well, I know, this confuses me too. The only thing I can think was; the animals all worshipped him, so he loved the attention. Now, he could freak and spank one if it jumped into his car seat muddy. Screaming mostly, though. He once rescued a Cocker Spaniel from his INSANE brother and his crazy brood of abusive kids. Brought it home to me and held it out to me and said, “Here, this little thing was shut in their bathroom. I know you love Cockers and will be good to it.” Then in less than an hour be emotionally and verbally abusing me w/o mercy. He had multiple personalities, seems. My first X abandoned his children, married a woman with twins and raised them as his own, never seeing his own children or paying any support and to this day, calls those kids his and ignores his blood children. So, I’m open…
behind_blue_eyes
My x-spath does not like dogs but likes cats. I found this very unusual. However, he is introverted and this could be a reflection on his personality. More likely, dogs are too affectionate and require to much maintenance for him.
Perhaps cats are the perfect pet for a sociopath.
Louise
BBE:
Haha! I love cats. I have always been a cat lover, but I love all animals. I don’t have any at the moment though.
Louise
Lizzy:
I can see that would have freaked me a little also if I thought I lost his cat. HA! And yes, I am a cat lover and had my beloved, gorgeous Himalayan for 18 years. So even though she not once peed on the floor, I know what it smells like. The poor thing…she was literally dying…I mean THE day she died, she was still dragging herself to the litter box because she didn’t want to go on the floor. What a baby…may she RIP.