A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
TB,
I understand the attachment to your family because I have the same feelings for my own dysfunctional parents. But I’m working hard at avoiding them as much as possible. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be in your shoes. Your daughters attack on you by having an affair with your husband is beyond reprehensible. I think that spath victims are just too kind and empathetic, that’s why we keep being targeted.
On that note, I found an interesting article on highly sensitive people. I think this describes many of us.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person
quote:
“This temperament may also have some correlation with continuously high cortisol levels, which may cause hypervigilance and susceptibility to trauma, or the same traumas may encourage hypervigilance, which in turn may contribute to high cortisol. Being highly sensitive may amplify or create psychological issues when over-arousal occurs. The ability to unconsciously or semi-consciously process environmental subtleties often contributes to an HSP seeming “gifted” or possessing a “sixth sense”. ”
This description is 180 degrees the description of a spath who cannot feel anything therefore he looks for constant stimulation. Whereas the HSP prefers to find interest in the subtle cues around us. This might also explain why so many of us avoid crowds and attention. Since we are polar opposites, it makes sense that the spaths would seek us out and envy us. My spath would always say, “you are REALLY sensitive.” He was noticing how affected I was by the food I would eat. His interest was motivated because he was poisoning me. It’s a good thing that I WAS sensitive and reacted quickly because it kept him from upping the dosages. Strychnine in higher dosages will stop the heart. He also got a stethascope and would listen to my heart, smile and say, “my honey has a strong heart. she’ll live a long time.”
sicko
Alina:
I am glad you finally left! Does he still try to contact you?
TB, you know, believe it or not, cutting the puppy dog’s tail off once, instead of an inch at a time is the MOST HUMANE WAY to crop a pup’s tail….it is also the most HUMANE WAY TO KICK THE PSYCHOPATHIC AND DYSFUNCTIONAL KIDS OUT OF YOUR LIFE…I remember you blogging about the time your daughter left the GD with you to baby sit for her convenience and how the little girl acted out and you couldn’t correct her and you ended up I think (if my shorted out memory serves me correctly) had to take the little princess to your son’s house and YOU were a wreck and the daughter went off on you!
Commmmme on TB, is it worth it? What are you getting out of these “relation-SHITS” except more pain? More abuse?
It has been about a year and a half since I shoved my last little biological buzzard out of the nest for lying to me one too many times, and God alone knows how I cried, but you know, I realize now it wasn’t that ONE LIE that was the problem, it was all the times before that he had betrayed me, abandoned me, lied to me, showed he was irresponsible, disrespectful and just a complete arse! So I need him in my life WHY? I don’t! The only contact I want with him is to keep his lousy psychopathic brother in prison, and since that is to his benefit as well, we can work together on that, but otherwise, I don’t want him in my life. Since we live in the same part of the country, there will be the times when I will run into him in a store or somewhere, but I will be cordial and nice, but that is the extent of the relationship. I will NOT see out his company, I actually no longer desire his company and I have NO confidence in anything he says.
skylar:
Oh, dear…that is totally me…HSP.
Louise,
I never lived with this man, he was my bf for the last 5 years. A very sick, sick man. He was pushing for us to move in together but i refused.
One of the things I realize is that people closest to him are psychotic. His behavior drives everyone around him insane. I know he thinks I left him for another man, it seems like that is all he thinks life is about. I no longer care what he thinks. He accused me of cheating on him with 3 guys during the last 3 years. I no longer had the energy to argue. He said he demanded more from me and when I said he had no right to demand anything, he said — “get on your knees and apologize to me” when I refused to do that — he said… “get the fuck out of my house…” I did.
Louise,
that’s GOOD NEWS. I used to have a frenemy that was big on these pop psychology tests and he had told me that I was an HSP. I figured it was true but didn’t pay much attention. That was before I knew about spaths. As it turns out HSP is also known as OE.
quote:
The most evident aspect of developmental potential is overexcitability (OE), a heightened physiological experience of stimuli resulting from increased neuronal sensitivities. The greater the OE, the more intense are the day-to-day experiences of life. DÄ…browski outlined five forms of OE: psychomotor, sensual, imaginational, intellectual and emotional. These overexcitabilities, especially the latter three, often cause a person to experience daily life more intensely and to feel the extremes of the joys and sorrows of life profoundly. DÄ…browski studied human exemplars and found that heightened overexcitability was a key part of their developmental and life experience. These people are steered and driven by their value “rudder”, their sense of emotional OE. Combined with imaginational and intellectual OE, these people have a powerful perception of the world.[1]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_Disintegration
this means that we have more potential than your average spath to grow, create, and develop as human beings. Lets USE that potential. Let’s stop giving it to the spaths who only envy us and despise us because we have what they never can have. TB, are you in?
Alina:
Thank God you never moved in with him…you were smart. Get on your knees and apologize to him????? He is very sick as you say. So, so glad you are away from him!!! Blessings to you.
I have you all to thank, I see so much positive in all of you. The future looks bright… and I love that you we are allowed to share without being judged.
Louise: Thank you! Hugs!
Sky: that’s interesting on sensitive people. I have read that about high cortisol. I no longer have that….depleted most of it. That’s why I have to rebuild my adrenals. Thanks for posting that!
Wow! Poisoning you! Oh, that’s really scary! So glad you got away and are safe!!!!!!!!!!!
Oxy: yes, your memory is correct! I know you are right…..one solid whack. But, I do so worry about that little girl! She wanted that mama and I could not do anything with her. I have not seen her since that day, which has been nearly five months. My daughter is mad at me, because I don’t support that Goth music and lifestyle.
“shoved my last little biological buzzard out of the nest”….., LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! Ox, you are hilariously accurate and right.
You are right…pain and abuse….that’s about it. I am so torn…..
Gosh, I remember him saying… “we are not equals” dont you EVER compare yourself to ME! —- he was right about that… thank GOD I am not like him. —–PARASITE.