A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
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Evening, Constantine…
Thanks for understanding that I lost your post. This one from you is pretty close to the other, however. Nice to read ya. Hope your day went well. Mine was so busy I had not one moment to think about anything other than what was going on. I am glad today is over. I am tired.
That is horrible: had no idea she was married! Just like “IT”…
We were friends for something like 9 years and the past four years, it just ‘slipped his mind’ that he was married? I asked “IT” why it lied and lead me on all that time and he said he didn’t want to lose my friendship. Oh yah, right…whatever. Free legal advice; hmm? NO! I am finished with that madness.
Yah, I didn’t purposely choose to be the OW but it sure turned out that way. After I found out, then the ugliness truly started. The ‘gig’ was up; you see? I am not really the easiest person in the world to ‘use’ but ‘love’ blinds people, sometimes. I believed all the lies I was being told. All the ‘sob’ stories = poor “IT”. All the while “IT” was plotting mean things to do to me, in return for all of the things I genuinely done for “IT”.
Yes: DELIBERATELY is the word; isn’t it?
Oh yes, ‘high functioning spaths’, I have ran across some of those before. Ever so charming but as evil as darkness. I know the kind. Right; no other ‘framework’…I know exactly what you mean. There is no other explanation; not once you really look at things honestly – all the signs are there. Especially when, like in my case, the RANTING “IT” done, incessantly; it was just overwhelming. It just never stopped around me. I wonder if “IT” controlled all that around others? “IT” sure didn’t around me.
“the soul of a cow”….
I befriended a cow, as a child, before it went to slaughter, which made me ball for a whole summer. My cow friend had a beautiful soul so perhaps you should find another way to describe what “THAT” was…. 🙂
Oh yes, I can relate: studied your library….
MY “IT” wasn’t that ‘in depth’, actually…
IT would act like IT knew EVERYTHING and each time IT would try to down me and make ITSELF look all omnipotent, it would fail miserably. It became jealous of me and my intelligence and probably still is to this exact moment.
Ah yes: “The canker of that deceit shall eat into all things and the stars will shrivel and grow black.”
That is exactly my life the past almost five years of this.
I was a non functional human being almost on all levels being dominated and mind controlled by a very cunning psychopath. I will never believe any different. Not now.
I am so happy you are doing alright, Constantine.
I am starting to get there myself. It’s a long road to recovery once your brain and your heart are simultaneously ripped out and your carcass is left laying there, bleeding to death while they eat your heart while you watch. The betrayal I have experienced during this relationship/friendship/nightmare, is absolutely overwhelming to me. At once, “IT” was telling me “IT” loved me more than anything in the world and we had this ‘mind connection’….YOU DONT PURPOSELY TRY TO KILL SOMEONE YOU LOVE.
Oh yes, I am happy your life wasn’t tied to hers either!
Just like “I” am happy MINE isn’t tied to “ITS”!!!!!!
I could never imagine being tied to that demon.
It IS degrading to me, especially now, after having almost died from my heart attack. It IS degrading to me to know I have wasted five years of my life allowing someone I cared for and trusted to almost devour my very soul…
Empty shell is right.
Thanks for sharing your story with me.
I think we have gone through some of the same kinds of things and I am so happy that YOU have made it through the fire with such a WONDERFUL outlook on life.
YOU are an inspiration to ME!
Thanks, Constantine….
‘worldly blows’ is right…
sometimes I seriously contemplate my own sanity after everything I have come through….hahahahahahahahahahahaha
Perhaps it is SPATH who should be concerned; hmmm? 🙂
Big hugs and happy thoughts to you, My Dear Constantine…Good Night for now…
May the Angels light on your pillow as you sleep. xxoo
DUPED
Psssst: “I think ITS gone now…”
Typical quotes I have heard from my spath… does anyone relate?
*After reading sexual text messages off my so-called friends phone which showed things went on*
“You obviously didn’t read all the text messages… nothing went on… you have the wrong end of the stick, you obvioulsy just saw the middle and didn’t see the beginning or the end”
*After finding out he had a pregnant girl with his kid living at his place while being involved with me*
“we’re not even together… I got her pregnant by a one night stand and she’s living with us for the sake of the baby” When asked if they sleep in the same bed “yes, but it’s not like that… my house isn’t big enough”
*The classic quote many times I have heard when confronting him about something*
“OMG typical you and your paranoia… ONCE again…”
*The quote I have heard MANY times when I have found out he was seeing someone (after showing up on my internet camera naked masturbating), and also trying it on with me saying he misses me*
“I don’t have a gf, we’re not together… we were seeing each other but we’re not right now… but we will be getting back together” AKA… He has a gf, is STILL with her… but wants to look the innocent party so you don’t go and tell her…
*If I got upset if he ignored me in public*
“See this is why I don’t talk to you when we’re out… all you want to do is argue.. now speak to me normally or not at all”
*If confronted once AGAIN by something he has done to mess up*
“Yes I’ve made a mistake, but I’m trying to change and will start respecting others and myself”
also “please stop having a go at me, I’m having a really rough time right now”
LOL there’s lots more… anyone have any familiar quotes???
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Good Morning, Dear Constantine,
🙂 Your post makes me smile…. “word salad”; ahahahahahahaha
HOW VERY APPROPRIATE and AMUSING! 🙂 Thanks, I have a counseling appointment, later on this morning, and I am going to share that terminology. I find it so very appropriate AND amusing! My counselor always remarks on the terminology I use to describe “IT”. “IT” used to have the name: “IDIOT BOX” but that has been retired now and has been upgraded to “IT”. That is truly the only way I know how to adequately describe “IT”. 🙂
Thank you for all of your wishes, Constantine.
“IT” tried to kill me long before I had my heart attack but afterwards is when the REAL PUSH was on to decimate me: after I got ‘on to it’.
It is enlightening that you mention ‘fooling even the psychologist’…yep, that is what I saw. “IT” fooling a swath of psychologists. Very excellent at saying anything “IT” wants others to believe. Very charming, very high functioning…
I am doing alright, this morning, Constantine, what about you?
I wake up in a ‘smear’ of different emotions, every morning.
It makes it difficult to get moving sometimes.
My heart condition gives me terrible A FIB every so often.
They tell me it’s irregular now with 70% devastation of the heart muscle, itself. I asked the cardiologist, after my surgeries, how long they usually last. He said according to all of the ones he has done, which has been many, he is one of the leading cardiologists in the country, actually, so I really think he is versed in his specialty….I trust him completely, he saved my life that fateful night. However, he didn’t want to scare me but advise me so that I can be careful…
#1 High bleeding risk: all of the medications I currently am on, makes me highly susceptible to bleeding to death.
#2 Irregular heartbeat to the extent of SCDD and he wanted to caution me against going traveling to far away places without access to immediate medical care and that it could happen without notice, any place, at any time. Of this he could not project.
I absolutely believe “IT” caused my heart attack.
“IT” was too busy being with OW#8 (that I learned of) NOT INCLUDING THE EX WIFE….to be in attendance during my surgeries. In fact, it happened during one of my 2 month NC bouts with him. Unfortunately ‘family’ contacted him and it started all over again, only that time with dire consequences for “IT”. Because I put an end to it, hopefully: ONCE & FOR ALL!
We will LIVE as long as the Good Graces allow us to.
Stephen Hawking: I have watched his story and he is truly an amazing and inspiring person. I have come through A LOT of physical and emotional uprisings in my life, Constantine, and they all pale compared to this fiasco.
I made my point with “IT” the last time I saw “IT.
THE DOOR TO MY SOUL IS CLOSED.
DO NOT EVER CONTACT ME NOR COME BACK AGAIN.
GO DEVOUR YOUR NEXT ONE, I told him, and leave me alone.
I slammed my door in the face of that DEMON, once and for all.
THERE IS NO COMING BACK.
He whined: “Well, how will I know if you pass away?” (Only asking because he is in VERY SERIOUS legal problems with me…which I am NOT doing anything further with until my demise…I am going to LIVE what life I do have left WITHOUT “IT” and THE ROADSHOW a part of it). I told him this:
“You will know because you will feel me pass through your soul.”
And I meant every single word I said. He has threatened me in the past 2 months of NC…oh yes…that’s fine; just bring it on…
I have some people I would like “IT” to meet, face to face, in person…might even have a place it can stay over for a few days. You just never know. ‘I’ am not afraid of “IT” and the authorities are always lambasting me for my lack of fear.
hahahahahahaha: my peeing in the toilet would outweigh the mentality of “IT”. And I am not just being vindictive. It’s the truth. And yes CAZZY: they say anything if it gets them what they want.
MY “IT” is obsessed with me. “IT” usually can go 3 months before it tries reaching out to me. This has been a constant pattern, the past almost 5 years. I make it go away and it comes back in a couple months, after it has no where else to go. MULTIPLE LOVERS and SEXUAL PARTNERS. Just limitless. And all very upfront so you could never say “IT” was ‘lying’. Although “IT” DID lie to the x wife about me….because SHE WAS WEALTHY is why! And, she is even older than “I”!
What a terribly sweet thing to say, Constantine:
“Nevertheless, it’s a little troubling for me to meet people like you because it throws off my theory about the basic “badness” of human nature! Cognitive dissonance, don’t you know! ”
Likewise, I am absolutely certain, my Friend…
I am not a hater nor someone who does not care but at this point in time: I AM CARING ABOUT MYSELF FOR A CHANGE!
I do not care what happens to “IT”. WHY SHOULD I??? It has more to do with selfishness, at this point, than it does with Zen Buddhism. I will never and never do go ‘out of my way’ to make trouble for others, even when they may truly deserve it. THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME.
THIS TIME is different: “IT” tried to kill me! Along with his new OW SP x 100, and they actually LAUGHED at me for it! THAT is where he is at right now: with a new OW he met on the internet and didn’t even know her real name for the first six months they were together! Don’t that make me feel special. THEN they BOTH purposely plotted against me and tried to kill me. Seriously. I will put them BOTH in jail. I mean it. And, no, I am not afraid for my safety; I know I should be, but I am not.
NO DEMON IS RUINING MY LIFE and GETTING AWAY WITH IT!
I WILL BANISH THEM TO THE OUTER LIMITS OF HELL. 🙂
There, I feel better now. hehehehehe
Thanks for the smile to carry with me, during this day, Constantine….have an awesome day; alright? xxoo
LIVE IN THE NOW: that is what my therapist tells me all the time. hehehehehehe
mwahhhhhhh!!
DUPED
And, I am NOT letting it go by.
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Hi Constantine: My night is your morning. hehehehe
I am not going to ask you, here, “WHERE” you are… 🙂
Yes, I wrote you this morning. Thanks for thinking of me, I think of you too. You always sound so ‘understanding’ and supportive. I like the way your thoughts run and the things you have to say. You have been an IMMENSE support to me and I thank you for caring.
You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers too!
I know about ‘crazy’ work schedules…I have been tied for up for the past few days and I am ready for a lazy weekend! 😉
You asked what’s with all these good hearted people having bad hearts? hehehehe
Nobody said that life was fair just that we would survive it before we die, if we try real hard. 🙂 Right; what the OTHER options are….there are no other options, My Friend…this is it…it’s all we got. We have to make the very best of it.
Yes, mornings are difficult for me in the sense that I wake so dazed and confused. It usually takes me a couple hours to put my head on straight before I get anything done. I sit and have my decaf coffee, meditate, make my lists for the day of things I need to accomplish and THEN I jump in with both feet! 🙂
Mornings are my best time. Nights: not so much. Although when night time comes, I am usually so exhausted, it’s easy to fall into bed and divert all those ‘mental thoughts’ until I awake the next morning: hence why mornings are difficult. I do all of my ‘grieving’ and ‘thought processing’ in the mornings. I am usually up at 4-5 a.m. and don’t fall into bed until 9-10pm, sometimes later.
After my heart attack, I have pretty much just concentrated my efforts on healing and trying to get PHYSICALLY ‘grounded’. THEN: I have all “IT”S” roadshow aftermath to try sorting through but I am getting there! I had a very good session with one of my two therapists this morning and was told I am coming along great. 🙂 That’s good to hear from your psychologist. 😉
HYPERSENSITIVE is an excellent word to describe all of us on this site, I think. HYPERSENSITIVE…very good word. While our ‘IT’ personality moved right in and devoured what they could. Yes, I can relate, completely, Constantine.
NC has brought IMMENSE quiet, peace and resolution to my world. Something I have desperately needed. I feel like I am on vacation or something; ahahahahaha
I hope you have an awesome day today and that you will remember that someone over on the left coast of America is thinking of you, sending you hugs and wishing you nothing but all the best. I think you ROCK, Constantine…take good care of yourself; will ya? Thank you for your love, encouragement and wishes….right back at ya!
mwah! xxoo
DUPED
Hehehehe……
I spoke with another ‘victim’ of the bus. spaths today……she filed her documents and spath will be served in jail, for other victims ‘case’ on Monday!
I told her, last year, when the Sheriff put us in touch…….I’ll do the legwork against the spath if you follow through and do your part legally!
She is moving right along in the process!
So……after other victims hearing, she will be entitled to the writs of execution to start the garnishment. She can ‘double up’ on my writs……against the spaths bail……after that, spath will be waaaaay sunk!
He he!!!!!!!
2 bitches in heat! 🙂
EB out there rocking the world with a pack!