A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
Dear Near,
Happy Birthday! You sound so grounded while dealing with your spath dad. Really wonderful that you figured it out for yourself and stayed healthy.
About my soon to be ex spath, he was inappropriate with our daughter. She was 15 at the time and she told me about it one night saying she didn’t want to be home if he was home. He touched her in a way that made her feel uncomfortable and it was when I was out of the room. I saw him objectifying her and I thought it weird but he does it to everybody so maybe I was projecting.
I was told that it was in the gray area of calling social services. When I told him that I put her in therapy because of it he accused me of coaching her and he confronted daughter and told her to not tell anyone because he could be taken away from her. He said to stop telling lies. She was suicidal after he berated her and she had issues with cutting.
It has been about a year since this happened and daughter has completed therapy and is healthy. She thinks her dad is a sociopath and wanted him gone. He tried to weasel his way back into my life and it took some time but he finally moved out the end of January.
I’m worried about son spending time with spath dad because of dads addiction. I brought our computers in to a forensic specialist because of the porn, spath kept saying it was my imagination. And got cell phone records and a subpoena, spath was having phone sex. Who knows whatever else he has done, he has a problem because he would never admit to anything. He had some other compulsive problem that leads him to use the bathroom quite often.
Hope this isn’t too much information, I wanted you to have a general idea about spath’s problem, it was all very much a secret and I think it has been going on for a very long time.
So if you have any insite about what to do with son and how to approach the subject delicately, I would appreciate it. It sounds like you internalized your situation as well. I know that guys process emotions in a different way and son is a teenager, which is already an angsty time.
I feel a little sick every time I drop son off at spaths house. Spath tried to get full custody of son but was unsucessful. Thank goodness. He is lovebombing son like mad. Yuck.
Dear Lizzy,
You are sounding way better, I’m so glad that you are taking control of your life and dealing with all the trauma you had as a child.
Doesn’t it just seem to linger? It’s like a monkey on our backs telling us that we will never be good enough. Well b.s. to that!!!
You are like a butterfly, slowly emerging to become something different and wonderful. (Lizzy is my daughter’s name as well:))
Hope for joy-Lizzy is a good name. I got it from Pride and Prejudice!
@....... Ox & Louise,
Your absolutely right! Communicating to others about my ex-spath is still contact. Its so hard though when you hear news about him. Its like telling someone not to think about a pink Elephant and thats all you can think about. Its strange though, everytime I think of him I see him smiling from ear to ear, why? I guess I am in the fog still believing he could possibly change. I think I am more mad at myself for allowing him to love bomb me not once but twice, each time destroying my life more. I am more mentally screwed up trying to figure how any human being can be SO EVIL yet be so convincing that he is a Saint. I am sooo confused with believing that you reap what you sow. In fact, I used to say that to my ex-spath and he would respond with “I have nothing to worry about”. Which boogles my mind in to believing that if you do evil like spaths but you don’t think its evil then you don’t reap bad???? Ummmm…..very disturbing! I guess I just want to know that you can’t continue to commit bad things against people and not get bad back? Because my ex-spath has not reaped any bad back yet. He just keeps on traveling along!
Zurc;
It sounds as if you’ve found your ‘Adamant’! Your doing all the right things……keep reporting, he’s the one with the record…..I’m sure these folks don’t look at you with one eye! You’ve got a leg up there.
Document, document, document…….and security cameras that record, as documentation wouldn’t hurt either.
Never own his behaviors……just keep reporting them to the right authorities! KUDOS!
Welcome to LF. You’ll find so much support here, and it sounds as if you can offer some good advice to others as well.
Keep reading and learning….knowledge=Power.
Welcome!
Hopeforjoy: Thank you! It’s been a very fun day! ^_^
I’m sorry about your daughter. 🙁 I’m still not sure what you mean. Was it his presence and a way he touched her casually on the arm or something, or did he actually touch her in a private area? Either way, it doesn’t sound safe there. Lucky she is getting older and can choose if she wants to see him.
My dad did the same thing with my mom. He accused her of coaching me later on, and brainwashing me. He called me a liar, and that I’d tell any lie to cover up for my mom. All classic signs of abuse from him. Trying to shift the blame. Nothing you can do to change that. T’s the way they deal with things. It’s automatic.
Ugh, cutting. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that! I’ve heard of cutting and it’s always made me sick to my stomach. 🙁 Is she fine now? I know you said she is healthy, but do those cuts go away or do they have scar tissue? I hope they weren’t that deep.
Yay! She sounds pretty smart to realize it and want to get rid of him. It’s good when you aren’t the only one. I know I felt better when somebody started to see what I realized a while ago.
Okay, more uncomfortable questions and comments coming up! You are right to be concerned about your son being around him. My dad tried to get me to drink with him, hang out with group of friends and smoke weed, and he’s watched porn in front of me before when I was younger. So it’s safe to assume your son is in some kind of danger with him. Even if it is just pressure to do something.
What did the expert say about the things on the computer? If they did find something, do you feel like telling me what kind it was? Sometimes they have some rather… exotic tastes. Look especially for teen porn, since your daughter was that age.
Are you sure he doesn’t have an STD and that makes him use the bathroom often? It could be a lot of things, but I know my dad used the bathroom all the time for a few weeks and then went back to normal later on.
Nope, do not worry about being too graphic or offending me. I’m more worried about offending you. It is your story, afterall. ^_^
Really, I don’t know what to do with your son. I was able to help my problem by thinking it out, but not everyone will. Maybe show him some online stuff like this blog or behaviors other sociopaths exhibit that his dad also shows signs of. I really wish I had better advice. 🙁
I feel sick when my dad comes around, so I bet you feel even worse leaving your son with him. I wish I could help, but this situation is just so delicate. One mistake could hurt a lot. 🙁
Chelsea:
I know girl…believe me, I think the Karma bus is moving incredibly slow! It does seem like they just go on and on and everything always turns out right for them…they always come out on top…that’s the way it seems to me also. I will never understand it.
Near,
Oh, your dear old dad sounds like a winner! He sure is classy, just wants his son to be the same kind of winner he is. Lucky for you that you got out of that nasty business.
He touched daughters butt and would hug her from behind, only when I was out of the room. I would see her feel uncomfortable around him and pull away but I didn’t want to read into it. She knows it was wrong and I trust her judgement. The word I would use to describe spath is smarmy.
About the porn use. We both have laptops and he would look things up on mine when I was away. I didn’t bring his in to be looked at because I did it on the sly and he was still using it. My laptop had lesbian porn, black girls, (not women, the word girls was used a lot), and other stuff like girls gone wild. This was strange as well, the words guy magnet and girl magnet were looked up. Just strange. I think it gave him an extra thrill to be on my computer.
The bathroom thing was compulsive masturbation. Normal masturbation is a healthy natural part of all of us, but his was not healthy. He is 52 and it was about 3 times a day. He denied that he ever did it but I took a sample from the bathroom walls and it was positive. It was the yucky way he would stare at the neighbors, etc. then head to the bathroom. I sent away for a kit. I felt like I was in a CSI show, I was just sick of being lied to and wanted to prove that he was lying.
I now have his old laptop downstairs and talked with my attorney about bringing it in. The only thing is that it is expensive. It cost me $4000 to have my computer looked at and the main cpu (there was porn on that as well). It would be worth it if there were difinitive underage activity on his laptop.
You have been really helpful in your posts. I know this is rather graphic and I hope that it isn’t too much. Feeling kind of protective since you are a young person.
Children under age 18 should NEVER be shown porn because it can lead to compulsive activity later. It has been factually proven to be true. It’s just not reality and can skew your real life relationships.
Hopeforjoy: Yeah, I wonder what having a real dad would be like. Ah, not like thoughts like that will help. My mom was fantastic enough to fill both places. I can’t afford to dwell on what if scenarios. I hope you don’t either, or your children. ^_^
You shouldn’t ignore feelings like that. Reading into things is usually the right way to go. If he touched her butt, then it’s settled. That’s not right, and your daughter’s feelings are enough proof. I wonder if getting help now would help, though. Kind of like going back to a hornet’s nest to stir it up after being stung. No contact might be more practical. I still see my dad, but I’m emotionally vacant toward him.
My mom and I both have laptops too! *high fives* She gave me one at the start of the month as an early gift! ^_^
I know some like to use the other peron’s computer in order to smear them later on by having their computer searched. Hmm, I have no idea what his searches indicate. My dad had some different searches and didn’t use the word girl. The use of girl makes me think he likes college “girls” or teens of some kind, especially with Girls Gone Wild.
Wow, you’re amazing. I’ve heard of women suspecting husbands before of certain things, but I think you’e the first I’ve heard of to take an actual sample! ^_^ I know my dad stared at neighbors and then closed his eyes for a while and zoned out. He zones out all the time, though. Sounds like your spath was imagining something with the neighbors. So, how old were the neighbors? I’d definitely want you on my side if things went down, little miss CSI lady. 😛
I’ve heard most guys do it twice a day. I have no idea if it’s true or not. Or what age does to that number. Did he have any sexual problems with performance?
His laptop will definitely have something on it, if he is truly compulsive as you so. If it was worth it to check yours, it’s probably even more so to check his. Still, that kind of money would murder me, so I wouldn’t spend that much. It’s up to you and your budget. ^_^
No need to shield me. I’ve been through a lot and have seen far greater miseries than most. I’ve almost died a few times, surfered family deaths, and found out about my dad and researched. This is nothing. I’m glad I was helpful. ^_^
I was WAY under 18 back then when he did that. He still uses our computer sometimes when he comes over. I might check it out to see what he does. I’m not too messed up because of him, though. That’s why I’m thankful my mom raised me and I didn’t see or live with him. ^_^
Chelsea…there’s a lot of power in being Mr. Charming psycho. They get a high out of manipulating and deceiving people. You know..thinking that their smarter than everyone. In the 11 months I dated him he has been in jail twice. Currently, he is sitting there right now as I type in complete lost of control over me. Rage. He hasn’t even been released, and already they may just transfer the psycho to prison. He’s got a low life meth addict women to do his dirty work for him. Driving by my house, trying to find items that don’t belong to him etc. When I piece our relationship together between jail time I think we had a little over a month of “good time.” I’m proud of the fact I acted quickly, stood up to him, looked him in the eyes on several occasions saying ” do you even realize your insane?” He’d try to make me jealous about other women. My solution was “Great! Can I give you a ride? I’ll help you pack, and have someone else take care of you. Do you want me to iron you a shirt for a date?” Basically, please go. So…stand up for yourself. I expect him to do the same thing with another women. However, he’s too psycho to work, and he’s reduced to low life skanks. Their all the same just different packages. I always told him “Who cares…please just go.” Or “Here we go Again.” Putting him directly in Prison might be the best thing for me, sad for him. But you must realize your FIRST..