A Lovefraud reader asked me what I thought of advice offered on a website called “Womensdivorce.com.” In a post about relationships after divorce, the website says women should start dating as soon as possible. It also seems to advocate that women engage in brief sexual affairs, and find a transitional partner who can help a woman heal, but whom she shouldn’t marry.
Read Your first relationship after divorce, on Womensdivorce.com.
My reaction is that this advice may be okay for someone involved in one of those amicable divorces, where the partners simply grew apart, are still on speaking terms or even friends, and want what is best for their children. The advice is terrible for someone who has been heavily damaged by marriage to a sociopath.
People who have endured marriage to a sociopath need time—perhaps a lot of time—to rebuild themselves. Healing may have two distinct dimensions.
Recovering from the sociopathic relationship
First, you need to recover from the sociopathic relationship. The difficulty of the recovery depends on the psychological damage done.
I now know that I was relatively lucky in the type of predator that found me, although it sure didn’t seem that way at the time. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, only wanted my money. He lied to me, he used me, he betrayed me—but he didn’t try to destroy me. When my money was gone, he just abandoned me.
Many Lovefraud readers had experiences that were far worse than mine. Some of you endured physical and sexual violence, gaslighting, threats and brainwashing. Some of you continue to suffer because you have children with the sociopath, and your ex purposely tries to use the children to hurt you.
If you are raw from one of these extremely damaging relationships, the last thing you should do is try to find a new partner. Instead, you need to focus on personal healing.
The first step is to take care of yourself physically—eat well, find time for exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep. You also need to rebuild emotionally. There are two different paths of emotional recovery. One is allowing yourself to grieve, and feel the anger and pain. The other is finding ways to bring joy into your life, however small. Nourishing encounters with friends and family whom you can trust will help.
You’ll find many articles to assist you in this section of the Lovefraud Blog: Healing from a sociopath.
People often ask, how long should it take to recover? There is no standard answer to this question. Recovery takes as long as it takes. But until you are feeling stronger and healthier, it is best not to get involved in another romance.
Here’s an important reason why: Sociopaths target vulnerable people. If you are not yet healed, you are vulnerable, and a prime target for another sociopath.
Recovering from deeper injury
Many Lovefraud readers, as you make your way through recovery, have realized that the marriage to a sociopath was not the first damaging relationship in your life. There was an older, deeper injury that made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
Some of you recognize that a previous romantic relationship was exploitative. Some of you realize that one or both of your parents were disordered. For you, the games sociopaths play may have seemed normal, because that’s what you grew up with.
The pain caused by the most recent partner may cause you to realize that you have a long history of mistreatment. In fact, sometimes recognizing trauma in your past helps clear up one of the big mysteries of involvement with a sociopath. It answers the question, “Why did I allow this predator into my life?”
There may even be spiritual reasons for the dangerous encounter, which I talk about in my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. So before looking for love again, you need to recover from the sociopath, and you need to recover from any deeper traumas as well. Thankfully, you can do both at once. The process is the same as described above—slow physical and emotional healing.
So as you walk the road to recovery, be careful about listening to advice from others. As we well know, most people have no clue about what it’s like to be involved with a sociopath. They have not walked in your shoes, so however well meant, their suggestions may not be helpful or healthy for you.
@....... Zim & Louise & Ox,
Zim, I think we dated the same Spath. Your story and mine seem so absolutely the same. We should have Donna exchange our information, but I think we need to contact her and let her know we agree to release our information to one another. I appreciate the fact we share such similar stories, especially when it comes to raising our ex-spaths child. I feel like someone understands my pain with losing a daughter even though she was my step-daughter. I was there for her for the past 5 1/2 years. Lets try and get each others information so we possibly speak by phone. By the way, my story is published here on LF, and its titled ” I would rather be homeless then spent another day souless with you”. Although, its such a short story of my torture, there is so much more that happen during my relationshit with my ex-spath that I could share, but I would need alot of tissues and time to tell it all.
Louise & Ox, thank you for always taking the time out and responding to my blogs. Your support and guidance always gives me a little more sanity everyday. As I said to ZIM above, I sure would like to communicate to our LF support team via e-mail or telephone. Who knows like ZIM suggested we could form a support group in person if we live close enough. But for now, Thank God for this site, and special thanks to Donna for creating such a site for our recovery! Big huggs to all of you!
Takingitslow:
Advice for handovers – if possible, have someone with you. Sociopaths often use handovers as opportunities to bait you, and may be less likely to do it in front of an audience. Even better would be to have someone else actually do the handover.
If that’s not possible, be absolutely poker-faced. Any conversation should be only a necessary information exchange about your daughter – nothing more. Do not react to anything he says or does. You may even want to practice in advance some pat answers to things he might say.
Remember, they feed off of your reactions. Don’t give him any.
I was naive enough to be involved with TWO spaths- one after the other. In fact the second one helped me recover financially from the first. Then he just ignored me after he no longer had any immediate use for me. But he wouldn’t completely let me go- he just wanted to fool around and marry someone else who was arm candy and had a nest egg he could drain!
Nevertheless, that was in 2004 and it’s now 2011. I have had NO “relationships” with anyone. I have absoultely NO interest in partnering up with anyone ever again. I really enjoy getting up every morning and deciding what to do and not have to work around the “needs” of some guy. Even if I had a non-sociopath, I’d still have to consider my partner and wouldn’t be free to explore- so I’m lovin’ it. I don’t feel obligated to fill up the (sic) emptiness with a guy. Frankly I’d rather have pets and plants. While my life (lives) were filled with “excitement”, travel, et al with these 2 clowns and I do miss the fun we had at times I wouldn’t compromise the security and peacefulness I have now. So don’t let your friends, self-help pundits or even therapists talk you into meeting guys. Honestly, a lot of women are better off “at large” or as free agents! While most men can’t be alone- it’s just not the same for women. Unpartnered does not mean unhappy.
Dear Chelsae,
There are times a real life support group would be good, but over all I think this forum has its advantages too….as there ar e many people who read but do not post here….so more people get the message than you might realize.
YOu might consider joining a group for “survivors” such as al-a-non which is basically about how to survive alcoholics, but many alcoholics are also psychopaths so it is about SURVIVAL for the most part, or sometimes there are groups for enablers or co-dependents (and many of us former victims qualify on that score)
Just keep on learning and reading and blogging though! It will get you through. (((hugs)))
shocknawe: Thank you so much for your advice and info! I can’t use the salt, it makes me dizzy and my head spin. I do have low BP, but I’m on the high end of the low and salt pushes me upward. I used to take supplements, but cannot tolerate them any longer. Gut is bad and they promote immune responses quickly in me, stressing my adrenals even more [histamine stimulates adrenals]. I just have to watch my diet closely, keep my blood sugar stabilized by eating every 2/3 hours, MUCH rest, and NO stress. I was doing my weight exercises but they are anaerobic which stresses adrenals-I found out-and was giving me a cold/body aches each time I did them. So, I am on aerobic only. I don’t need to lose weight at all!!!-so I must limit my exercise carefully to not throw my body into stress zone, which will cause weight loss. I need to keep firm and it’s easier with weights, but I get sick when I use them, so cannot.
Shock: your info is excellent and I wish I could use these supplements/herbs!!!!! I used to give my horse that stressed adaptogens and kept him pretty healthy with them.
I also eat hormone/antibiotic free meats as you said. They taste so good too! 🙂
One thing I do suffer from is: sleeping. I have anxiety over my daughter and GD. She’s kinda unpredictable and fear what she might do or drag my GD into. That stresses me heavily!
Thanks again, Shock; your advice and info is awesome! â¤
one/joy_step_at_a_time: thank you for that group/link! I will check that out. I have read about the infrared saunas. Heard they really work. I’ve not taken the adrenal hormones. Too afraid of what reaction I might have. This past four years, I’ve had every reaction one can imagine. And each one feels like I’m checking out. Really feel badly some days and never know what feeling I’m going to experience. UGH! Sometimes just a tad of sugar[on a bite of food a friend gives me unknowingly] or lifting too much or getting a little stressed or not sleeping well will cause me to be nervous, feel like I’m dying. Then in a few hours it can pass and I feel super good. Then a few hours later, can’t drive if I don’t eat and keep my blood sugar level. I’m a full time job for myself now! LOL
Hugs to everyone and well wishes for your health! â¤
TB if you have not seen a physician about your medical problems please do, I would suggest start with an internist. I don’t doubt a bit that you have STRESS OVER LOAD, I did too, but I ALSO had rocky mountain spotted fever….so if you haven’t had your blood work done in a while get a general check up at the very least. (((hugs))))
YOu might even look into sleep apnea as a possibility….before I found out about the severe sleep apnea I have I had “diagnosed” myself with everything from toe jam to cancer! LOL I felt horrible from just not enough sleep, and sleep apnea is more common than people realize.
The thing is to just go and get CHECKED OUT physically and you might find out that there is some minior thing that can be easily fixed and make you feel 1000 percent better! (((hugs)))
To Ox Drover .. you wrote to Chelsea:
“You might consider joining a group for “survivors” such as al-a-non which is basically about how to survive alcoholics, but many alcoholics are also psychopaths so it is about SURVIVAL for the most part, or sometimes there are groups for enablers or co-dependents (and many of us former victims qualify on that score)”
My spath/ex is an alcoholic, though, when I lived with him, as far as I know, was a “dry” one. He prided himself on being “dry” .. but then you’ve probably heard of “dry drunks” .. anyway, he participated in AA at the beginning of our relationship, but after moving in with me, he never went. I agree with you, numerous AA members have multiple addictions. They sometimes use AA to prey on women in those meetings. AA follows co-dependency theory. My ex used codependency jargon to flip the script on his victims. He either learned if from AA or he learned it from sessions with his former (male) therapist. So.., because of these things, I distrust AA and co-dependency theory now. As every “philosophy” has a grain or two of truth in it (so says Joseph Campbell), so too, does Codependency Theory. After my ex left, attended a Catholic church, just once, I went to S-Anon, the equivalent of Alanon, but for partners or ex partners of Sex Addicts. The group meeting was highly structured. No one could respond to another’s story with “ooooh..I understand what he was doing, then” .. no “cross-talk” .. and get this…the steerer of that group was ENCOURAGING the abused wives to “look the other way” and “pay no attention to his inventory”.. I never went back. It was as if the steerer was telling those abused wives to keep their blinders on.
Dear Zim-zoomit,
Absolutely agree with you, “dry drunks” are simply psychopaths who are ALSO alcoholics but are not drinking, and they are STILL Psychopaths! LOL And yes, you are right they do prey on people at those meetings with the “HOLINESS” of being “sober” LOL Some churches are the same way with ministers and members using “forgiveness” to prey on others….that fake HOLINESS….
There is some commonality between us (former victims) just as there are some commonalities between them (abusers) and many times one of those commanalities is that we are enablers (I like that term better than CO-dependent) because we clean up the messes and taken on the consequences for the psychopaths and/or the addicts.
Some “self help” groups (just like there are some “self help blogs”) that are TOXIC and actually abuse the victim further. Sam Vaknin has set up some “help” blogs that are very TOXIC for some of the bloggers there, reinjuring them.
It is always wise to be careful and to check out any group you join with the “common sense” indicator…..whether it is the local Lions club, the AA, NA, SA, or a church or the PTA…some of the groups are bad news, and some are very very helpful. That is why I am so grateful for Love Fraud.