Red Flags of Love Fraud #2: Sudden soul mates

When sociopaths target you for romantic exploitation, it seems that their favorite term of endearment is “soul mate.” That’s why “Sudden soul mates” is the second warning sign in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.

When they’ve set their eyes on you, sociopaths gush about finding the man or woman of their dreams, the person they’ve wanted all their lives. They liberally talk about destiny, how the relationship was meant to be. If you, the target, are religious, sociopaths smoothly proclaim that God has brought you together. 

My book is based upon the 1,352 responses that I received for my Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey. Asked to describe the sociopaths in their lives, 64 percent of the respondents agreed with the statement that “The individual said we were ‘soul mates;’ I was the person he/she was waiting for.” But the words were spoken only for seduction, as the targets eventually learned the hard truth.

Stopped believing

 A woman whom I called “Diane” was in her 30s, with four children, and going through a difficult divorce when she met “Steve” on the Internet. He had held his job for 25 years and had custody of his two children. Therefore, Diane felt he was reliable and dependable.

Steve poured on the devotion. “He homed in on our ‘likenesses,’ insisting we were ‘soul mates’ and were destined to be together,” Diane said. “He acted as though he was a ‘stand-up’ guy and that ‘our’ love would conquer all, as though I would never have anything to worry about, ever.”

They married, but eventually Diane learned that Steve was secretly into pornography and was cheating on her. “The relationship changed for the worse when I took a step back and realized what he was all about,” she said. “He realized that I stopped believing in him and our relationship. Once he knew I was onto him, saw through him, it was over. His true identity kicked in and he was out to destroy me completely.”

Diane discovered that Steve was committing massive fraud and turned the information over to authorities. She, herself, lost more than $50,000, incurred debt, and had a lawsuit filed against her.

Chameleons

So why do sociopaths like Steve seem, in the beginning, to be your soul mate? Because they are chameleons. When they target you for seduction, they figure out what you are looking for and then make themselves into that person. It often works. In the Lovefraud survey, 79 percent of respondents agreed with the statement, “In the beginning, the individual seemed to have so much in common with me.” Also, 83 percent agreed that “in the beginning, the individual seemed to share my values.”

“He became everything I wanted,” said “Shelly,” describing her relationship with “Mark.” “He and I enjoyed the same activities. We shared similar stories and feelings. We seemed to have the same perspectives on life and love.”

They married, but the sense of togetherness was gone after the first year. “He lied about everything to make situations appear as he wanted them to,” Shelly said. “He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. He punched holes in walls and broke anything meaningful to me.”

Shelly endured abuse and threats to her life. After many loud, screaming fights with a man who once seemed to be her perfect mate, Shelly made the final break, losing her home and more than $100,000. 

Asking and listening

How did Mark know what Shelly wanted? How does any sociopath figure out what we want? It’s quite simple. They ask us, and listen carefully to our responses. Most of us interpret the acute attentiveness to mean that our new romantic partners are totally fascinated with us. Believing we are building a lasting connection, we willingly share our deepest desires. 

In the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey, 56 percent of respondents agreed that “the individual asked about my hopes and dreams, then promised to make them come true.” What sociopaths are really doing is interrogating us to discover our vulnerabilities, and using the information as ammunition to bring down our defenses.

Sometimes sociopaths actually engage in subterfuge to find out what their targets want. This is what happened to “Larissa” when she met “Jesse” at her aikido class. 

“He was an amazing listener, and seemed to care about what I had to say,” Larissa related. “Obviously, his listening skills were all part of figuring out my weaknesses and learning the easiest ways to manipulate me. I later found out that he set his sights on me, that he told his friend he would ‘have me.’ He read my journal when I wasn’t home, and created a Prince Charming personality based on what I had written in my journal. He embodied every requirement I laid out in my journal, from being a vegetarian to loving the ocean and dolphins. Every single thing he said he was, he fabricated.”

Within six months of meeting, Larissa and Jesse married. Jesse immediately moved Larissa out of state, to a mobile home on nine acres of land. But life wasn’t as Larissa anticipated.

Intricate lies

“About three weeks into the beginning of our life together, the FBI came to our back door with guns drawn and hauled him off to prison,” Larissa recounted. “Jesse told me he had been framed for his crime (armed carjacking), and I stood by him for a year. I got pregnant just before his seven-year sentence. When I was eight months pregnant, he sent me a confession letter, stating that everything he ever told me was a lie, from the crazy Special Forces stories, to the traumatizing deaths of (imaginary) friends. I divorced him while he was in prison.”

Jesse was such a good manipulator that, before his confession letter, he had Larissa believing he had just made a mistake. She finally realized the truth about her husband. “The intricacy of his lies is astounding, and the number of lies he can catalog in his head — who he told what to — is mind-boggling,” Larissa said. “All of his behaviors are antisocial. He is constantly, always, every minute of every day, scheming ways to control the people in his life, to hurt the people who have pissed him off. He doesn’t ever stop playing to win. What winning means changes with each circumstance and all of its particular variables.”

Pattern of behavior

Sudden soul mates is the second Red Flag of Love Fraud. But someone saying the two of you are soul mates doesn’t make him or her a sociopath. Sociopathy is a syndrome, meaning a group of symptoms or behaviors that tend to cluster together. I identified 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, and someone needs to exhibit pretty much the entire pattern to be considered a sociopath.

The key for you is to see what you see. If you notice behaviors that cause you to sit up and say, “Huh? What was that?,” pay attention. You may have seen a red flag. So look for other ones, and don’t make excuses. If most or all of the warning signs are present, ease yourself out of the involvement.

To understand how sociopaths hook you and why you fall for it, get Red Flags of Love Fraud and the Red Flags of Love Fraud workbook, available in the Lovefraud Store.