By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
I have no regrets, because I accept that it was part of my journey to meet these people and fight them off. When I have finally resolved that part of me, I will stop meeting such people. I will smell out their psychopathy up front, not later.
That said, however, I can congratulate myself on applying the smell-test early in the relationship, even if probably not early enough. How awful I feel for those of you who married, and had kids with, somebody like this. How unfortunate I felt at the time, to have failed to “make it” with these people! I have suffered the accusation that I am “afraid of intimacy” and “cannot sustain a long-term relationship.” I’ll take that any day, rather than being Mary Jo Buttafuoco.
Instead of being smug and proud of myself, is there something a person like me can offer to people like you? What gives some of us early-bullshit-detectors? Or even prior-bullshit-detectors? (Unfortunately, I’m not one of these lucky “prior” detectors, but I count myself as an “early” one.) Or are victims of psychopaths just randomly chosen? What is that secret personality trait we all should have but don’t? I’m wondering for my sake as well as yours, because I would like to skip my next encounter with a psychopath. I’ll take the education without the bruising next time.
I don’t regret that family I never had because of my poor relationship choices. That would have been a very crazymaking family. I have no family today, and that is God’s purpose for me — to give me other opportunities in life and other meaningful ways of relating.
Somebody once observed of me that I was “unconventional.” A kind of relationship hippie. And he described it as healthy, not unhealthy. I have pure honesty — and that was its only fault, really — too much honesty hurts. I was so grateful for this comment! Because “normal” is attracting this psychopathic crap in the name of creating a conventional life. Everybody does it, to some extent. It’s lying to yourself because you want to “make it work” as a “mature” individual rather than a relationship hippie.
Being this hippie has its faults, too, by the way.
I just read Kim’s post and realized something.
Maybe that thing we all have that attracts these leeches is strength. Not weakness. But we have somehow been made to feel guilty for our strength.
This was definitely the case with my sister. “Give in to her; she’s not as strong/smart/clever as you.”
You’re right, Kim, we’re not responsible for their self-destruction. Maybe we feel that strong people like us were put here to take care of others. It’s OK to feel that way, and even assuage our guilt that way. We WERE put here to take care of others. Take care of others — for a short time. Then release them. There are 6 billion others waiting for a hug from you, Mother Teresa.
This past Sunday, I was thinking about all the turmoil and deception that has been thrust upon me and I questioned how it is that I have been so easy to decieve.
Somewhere, at some point in my earliest years, I baught into the belief…. Love bears all things. Love hopes all things. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love never fails…. etc.
In my casual conversation with God, on the way to Church, I questioned the rationality of this teaching in a world and judicial system that condemns the innocent victims for crying out. And then, protect the rights of the S to destroy anyone s/he wants.
I don’t remember what the service as about, except it lead me to this:
“Do not answer a fool according to his folly.” Proverbs 26:4
DO NOT ANSWER A FOOL!!!!!!!
It doesn’t get any clearer then this.
sistersister wrote:
“Maybe that thing we all have that attracts these leeches is strength. Not weakness. But we have somehow been made to feel guilty for our strength.”
I believe you are right.
When I was near a nervous breakdown, and probably should have been hospitalized, my sister came to stay with me for a few days. She observed the interactions between me and my ex, and started pointing out the way he was treating me like a pupet. She questioned why I would let him do that to me. What is so sad is that I had become so numb to it, that I didn’t even notice, anymore.
She asked me, “Bell… you were the strongest person I’ve ever known. You wouldn’t let anything get in your way, bring you down, or intimidate you… How did he do this to you?”
sistersister also wrote:
“Give in to her; she’s not as strong/smart/clever as you.”
This is exactly what my ex’s family system preached to me and his other siblings about my ex.
When I brought up concerns about my ex’s anger, they acknolwedged that he’s been raging since he was a little boy. Even so, when I voiced my concerns about his anger over the years I was told…It must be something YOU are doing. YOU must have made him feel that you love your daughter more then him. Maybe he thinks YOU don’t love him. YOU should pray and ask God to CHANGE YOU.
When he took all of our savings, our joint business (put it in his girlfriend’s name) and left me with the bills, and NO income, and three small kids to raise, his father said… You should just let him have the business. He’s not as smart as you are. It’s all he has.
His mother said, “I think I know my son better then you do. He would never do that (referring to the abusive behavior).” Yet, she told stories of him throwing knives at his sister, and shooting his brother’s pet lizard, among other dangerous and violent acts.
Let’s see, we saw his mother about 10 minutes a year in the last 10 years of our marriage, and he hasn’t lived with her in over 30 years, and she believes she knows him better then I do?
It’s been 4.5 years since our separation, and just now…in the past few months, have I stopped feeling guilty for wanting what belongs to the kids and myself. Just now, am I able to gather the evidence that totally exposes him without feeling guilty that I’m doing something wrong.
Isabell,
You said: His mother said, “I think I know my son better then you do. He would never do that (referring to the abusive behavior).” Yet, she told stories of him throwing knives at his sister, and shooting his brother’s pet lizard, among other dangerous and violent acts.
That is called denial. She likely will be in DENIAL of him for the rest of her life if she hasn’t gotten it by now.
My MIL was in denial with her son.
She once stood on my front porch and told me that my husband (her son) did NOT have a drinking problem until he met me. Not 10 minutes later she told me that when he left her house, when he was in his early 20s she found 50 empty vodka bottles hidden in his (very tiny) room. My jaw dropped.
then I asked about his DUIs that he had all had in his early 20s. And those were not his fault.
Denial is like a disease. It creates a fog much like the S/P/N does.
Isabell,
My egg donor grew up with a brother than I call “uncle monster” who was 7 when she was born. He was definitely a P and started trying to smother the baby as soon as she was born. His mother (ever the “peace keeper”) hid this behavior from the boy’s father, because “he would get a spanking and might run away” so my egg donor grew up to age 7 with her brother smothering her unconscious every chance he got until she was 7 and he 14, with her MOTHER KNOWING, when my grandfather caught him and wore out his pants, which stopped the smothering, but he became a life long woman hater and abuser delux version. I didn’t know until he was dying just HOW MUCH OF A MONSTER HE WAS and I still may not know all the truth.
My egg donor (very religious, but NOT spiritual) told me that I had to “forgive” or go to hell, and forgiveness meant to “pretend it didn’t happen”—that never made sense to me, but I tried, but of course failed to live up to this…because the problem was NOT me, it was the abusers.
I have since learned that “forgiveness” (to me) means getting the bitterness out of my own heart, not that I have to trust them or associate with them or pretend it didn’t happen, or wouldn’t happen again if I would allow it.
I have a whole new relationship with MY God, which is NOT my egg donor’s god, her idol of angry vengence waiting to zap me to hell because I don’t give in to her or any other abuser.
Even Jesus got justifiably angry, and said “be ye angry and sin not” so justifable anger itself is not a sin…it is losing your head and acting badly because you are angry and use that for an excuse.
St. Paul told us not to associate with “brothers” who are willfully sinful (and if a P isn’t “sinful” I don’t know what is) but to not even eat with them. Sounds like NC to ME!
Wits end is right about denial, my egg donor is the best at it, and like Wits’ MIL is willing to punish you if you dont’ go along with her view of “reality.” So, NC to them all. Let them live in their alternate reality, I will face the truth, and it will set me free.
OxDrover,
Please talk more on forgiveness. Past (not happening anymore) is easy for me, Present (still happening daily) is really hard for me, and future (to be seen) would be nice to be more prepared. But mostly that which we still have happening where nc is not possible just yet.
The above article is very helpful, but I would like to hear what the Lord has put in you, on forgiveness, in more detail!
I hope I’m making sense and you can following what I’m asking?
oops, i meant follow not following
Dear Sistersister. Thank you for your comments.
My parents also said this to me constantly, regarding my sister who was a real brat when she was little:
“Give in to her; she’s not as strong/smart/clever as you.”
But I can also relate to the statement of your’s:
“I don’t regret that family I never had because of my poor relationship choices. That would have been a very crazymaking family. I have no family today, and that is God’s purpose for me to give me other opportunities in life and other meaningful ways of relating.
Somebody once observed of me that I was “unconventional.” A kind of relationship hippie. And he described it as healthy, not unhealthy. I have pure honesty and that was its only fault, really too much honesty hurts. I was so grateful for this comment! Because “normal” is attracting this psychopathic crap in the name of creating a conventional life. Everybody does it, to some extent. It’s lying to yourself because you want to “make it work” as a “mature” individual rather than a relationship hippie.
Being this hippie has its faults, too, by the way. ”
So true!
I would like to share a song that came into my mind reading your post. Enjoy!
http://www.myvideo.ch/watch/185255/Edith_Piaf_Non_Je_Ne_Regrette_Rien
It translates: “I do not regret a thing, nor the good, nor the bad in my past, I do not care about it anymore. It is payed for, brushed away, forgotten. With my memories I have lit a light, my pains, my pleasures I do not need them anymore. I brushed all my past loves away with all their dramas. I start again at “Zero. Because my joy, my life starts today with you”.
You=my new ME.
It is one of my absolute favourites, and knowing that the French singer Edith Piaf had a most miserable life herself makes this song very believable.
I think that love does conquer all, Isabell. We just got the wrong idea of what love is. It’s OK to go on loving a person; that doesn’t mean he gets to sleep in your house, eat your food, or rape your daughter. Love him by leaving him. Show your love by loving the whole world instead of pouring love down a black-hole-of-a-person. Bear all things, including your struggle to love yourself.