By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
OxDrover,
“…MIL is willing to punish you if you dont’ go along with her view of “reality.”
And, to this a therapist explained, is the markings of a cult-like family system.
My ex MIL also extremely religious, and not at all spiritual. Uses the Bible to control other’s. In fact, both sets of my ex’s parents (mother-step dad, father-step mom) attend Chruch regularly. I often wonder what Bible they read, when the way they “use” other’s for their own edification, and the way they “use” the Holy Scripture to justify their form of abuse.
The step-grandmother to my children (the one that has been the most involved with the kids and initially the most protective) switched sides. Why? She had told the ex to improve his relationship with the kids, or she would have nothing to do with his g/f. With that, he cried. Apparently, crying absolves one of all the hurt they’ve caused others.
The step-grandmother then preaches to the kids that they need to have forgiveness, because Jesus forgives, and who are we that we don’t forgive. The kids explained that forgiveness isn’t the issue. The issue is that he continues to lie about them to the extended family, creating drama, and says mean and hurtful things. He violates their boundaries. To this the step-mother encouraged the kids to tell their father how they feel. They did (and, in a very loving, compassionate way, I might add). Within minutes, a message was left on my cell. As soon as the kids got off the phone with their father, having talked to him the way the S-GM suggested, the ex did exactly what the kids asked him to stop doing – He called the S-GM, sobbing, claiming the kids dragged him through the mud. To this, the S-GM called, leaving a message on my cell, stating that she is going to “Cut the kids out” of her life. Her words were, “Tell the kids that there will be no more Christmas’s presents, no more Birthday presents, no more holiday together with the family, no more nothing! They way they treat their father is horrible. And, I will not stand for it. They said they are tired of being hurt. Well, I’m tired of being hurt, too. I’m done.”
Ok…wait! She preached to the kids about forgiveness, and how they should forgive their father, and become actively involved in a realtionship with him, again. When the kids tell their father of his behavior that brings so much drama in the family as the main reason why they don’t want to spend time with him. He hangs up with the kids, calls the S-GM and creates more drama, causing the S-GM to call back, on the very same day she preached to the kids about forgiveness, and cuts the KIDS out of her life, because the kids asked their father to stop spreading rumors, lies and gossip about them. The kids didn’t want to spend time with their dad because he was hurting them, psycholgically, emotionally, and socially within the family system. Their GM cuts them out of her life…because??? What crime did the kids commit that warrents them unworthy of the forgivenss their GM was preaching about? It’s all very crazy making.
And, more importantly…when did this become about her, anyway?
So back to the original point…there is a great deal of punishment, and/or threat of alienation, rejection, humiliation, redicule, and elimination of resources in this family system when their alternative reality isn’t subscribed to.
Wow! This has been insightful for me. I have had moments when I feel sad that the kids don’t have a relationship with their GP’s, and have contemplated ways to help reunify the kids with them. After writing this, I’m thinking…WHY?
We are better off with NC to them all!!!
Hallelujah Jesus.
Dear Isabell,
I second “sistersister’s” comment! Hallelujah Jesus!!@.......!!!!!!!
The thing is that there is ONE set of rules for THEM and another set for US. It is okay to punish us if we don’t follow the rules they lay down for US but they do NOT have to follow those rules. Makes sense to me! NOT!!!!
Your kids are better off not to be associated with such a cult-like family system. Believe me, I have felt 110% better, been happier and healthier since I quit trying to make sense of the crazy making and religiousity that my egg donor preaches.
As far as the smearing, yep! check! the dupes believe everything she says because she is so ‘saintly”–but I see what is behind the mask.
sistersister: What you said about love, that said so much, so much about
what we’ve all needed to do.
All I know, whether we’re strong or smart, sometimes I just would not trust
my better judgment, bottom line! Trust my own gut, bottom line…Things
he did were so bizarre at times, but depending how emotionally strong or
needy I was at the time, I might be the red rock and call him on it or be
the painfully submerged grey rock, too stomped into the ground from past
stuff to respond, or eventually even care in a way.
It’s like our ‘better judgment’ and even a bit of hubris makes us look at
the situation like a kind of Columbo puzzle to solve – thinking “I WILL get
to the bottom of this – situation, behavior, whatever…But now when one
of these kind of weird scenarios comes up, probably will with someone
down the road, if it’s quacking, if it’s red-flagging me, I’m going to leave
it to some other poor, compassionate soul out for the rollercoaster
ride of her/his life! My detective days are over, I’m curlin’ up with a
good book…
Good advice, Persephone. I need to get over my figuring-it-all-out addiction!
sister and libelle
that is exactly what my p-parents told me every day of my life regarding my p-baby sister.
“Give in to her; she’s not as strong/smart/clever as you.”
They made me the “caretaker” in the family. P’s are all parasitical, even P’s like my P-parents that work really hard to earn a living.
I never thought of them that way before, but now I see that they are cowbirds too. They made me take care of the P-sister and forced me to allow myself to be abused by her.
That’s why I can’t focus unless I’m doing something for someone else. Funny though, I remember a time in my life when I was about 13 through 17 when I was more self centered. I need to get in touch with that “me”
Thank you, sister, for putting this into words that could reach me and gave me more food for thought. That’s what’s so great about LF. We all struggle with thoughts and feelings for which we have no words. Like Stargazer said, until we name something, we can’t own it. Together, we come up with words that define our feelings and thoughts, then we share them and empower each other. Amazing.
Isabelle,
OMG
I have Proverbs 26:3-5 on my bathroom mirror.
It reminds me, (although EVERYONE HERE KNOWS I”M STILL LEARNING) not to repond to my S.
This was a great post, because regret is what I find myself caught up in these days. I have been lurking here for almost a year – this is my first post. I wanted to say that I have spent so much time on this site reading the posts, and it has been such a great help to me in my healing process.
I would like to write about my experience in more detail later, but that’s what has kept from posting this whole time is wanting to have my story all together first.
So I will just briefly sum it up by saying that my SP is now in prison for choking my son (his stepson)- he was 12 at the time. Thank God my son is ok, no permanent physical damage – however I can’t say the same about the pyschological damage.
I’m finally divorced from him. The incident took place with my son on Nov 13, 2008 – from that point on I have maintained no contact – and this site has been great for reaffirming my decision to have no contact. My nightmare with him lasted 3 years – and today I feel completely robbed of those years – many times thinking where my life would be now if I had not accepted that first date.
I know healing from this a long-term process. Some days I feel like I’ve come a long way, and other days it feels like it all just happened yesterday.
Even though I haven’t actively particpated until now, this website has been a great source of support for me because my family can’t possibly understand what this done to me even though they try to.
ICthruhim, Hello! Glad you posted. Your brief summary sounds horrible, you and your son will be in my prayers, thank God the SP is in prison! A lot of us here are going through good days and bad days too and I have personally been living in the world of regrets lately and am struggling to get out also! I guess we all wonder what would have happened if we had taken a different road, maybe that’s part of our human nature. Hope you keep writing, I learn a little bit from each person here! As you know, after reading for a year, we learn about ourselves, not just them! I’m happy to meet you!
Welcome ICthruhim…glad you had the courage to make your voice heard. Being here and letting your feelings and stories out will be such a great release for you, as well as a learning process.
So sorry to hear what your ex did to your son. But the good news is, your so is ok, the ex is locked away, and you’re taking the steps to educate yourself and move on. Continute the NC and stay strong. You too will learn lessons from this. Welcome. Glad you’re here!