By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Don’t get mad and don’t get even. I’m glad you didn’t. it’s what he wants. he wants your emotion. ANY emotion is good, he’ll take whatever you have to offer because in the end, he’s working toward getting you mad, upset, despairing. DON’T GIVE HIM ANY EMOTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you must give him something, call him a sociopath, a baby in diapers and laugh and then hang up.
Today, is not a good day.
His father baught our stocks of a business. It was a community asset. He paid us each seperately, and signed a promissory Note. he has stopped paying me. Now, insisting that it was my ex’s his son’s soul property. Though this claim won’t hold up in court…I support the kids with these funds.
My ex was ordered to pay x amount per month in support. Because that amount is “uncharacterized” I can’t get Child Support Division to collect. He’s not paying. This will hurt him, in the long run… in the short run, my utilities are going to be shut off.
I was unemployed as of May this year. I interviewed and poured my resume out everywhere. Then, I had to have foot surgery. One of the companies called me back. I went to three interviews with them. They said, when you are healed, we have a position for you. I called, and said I was available October 19th. The Regional Manager said their is a position for me, but she wanted for me to have no further follow up appointments regarding my foot. I had two more appointments. The branch manager came back from maternity leave. We played telephone tag. I left her two voice messages and an e-mail. She wrote back.. The position has been filled.
My unemployment runs out in two weeks. I don’t have the means to pay my cell phone bill. My cell phone is my life line to the kids, and potential jobs.
My heart is pounding so hard, I feel like I’m going to pass out.
I don’t know what to do.
But when I spoke to him….when he called, I was polite, nice, sympathetic. The way I ALWAYS am. Bc that’s me. I want to believe. He even said “believe in me…..because it’s true and I want only you.” Why do I feel this overwhelming desire to believe. Bc I am a fool. I think I will win this game but I never will. It’s true…..it’s an addiction. I would like for it to be real but I know it can’t be. It’s my sick illusion that it could ever be real. I know where this is going. And it does make me mad bc I’m LETTING it happen. Isn’t it funny? I know what’s going to happen but for the high of feeling good, feeling loved by him once again, I let it happen.
My oldest daughter said, “Call Dad and Demand he pay you something. I am absolutely NC with him.
The witholding of funds to force me to gravel is exactly what they intended.
I did send an e-mail message to my attorney asking him to contact my ex’s attorny and the attorney for the kids, to see if they can light a fire under him to at least provide for the very basic human necessities, like keeping my utilities on.
I have a $100 gift card to albertson’s that was given to me as payment for watching a friend’s dog. This is all the money I have to pay for groceries for three kids, for the next two weeks.
While I’m on the threshold of nailing his sorry A*s to the wall, I’m at the absolute end of my resources to sustain myself and the kids until the final judgement comes through.
Any advise?
When he comes back, and I try to be mean and ignore him, (his calls, his texts)….he begs me not to be that way. But when the shoe was on the other foot and I begged him to just talk to me……he cursed me and told me to stay away from him. Like I was a bad horrible person. He kicked me in the stomach like it was nothing at all.
Sarasims:
See dear…the thing is….you DID get ‘even’, your away from him. Only by keeping NC will you be able to see what he has done and the way it was played….and this will confirm your NC over and over.
YOU already WON!
Your letting your fear rule your life…..take control of you and allow yourself the space you need to see the forest from the trees.
You ask ‘why is it’……it’s because you were/are programmed for hope….you keep hoping that YOU misread him and he really IS a decent person…..
You know you wouldn’t treat others in this fashion, so you allow yourself to doubt.
This is the ‘hook’ that keeps most of us around…crumbeling at their feet……and once they know they ‘got us’…it goes back to the old cycle and we are left questioning ourselves as you are doing currently.
It’s a cycle…and only WE can see what we must do to break it.
We are not going to get closure, we are not going to end this relationship with any ‘rational’ ending……they all end in NO CONTACT!
It’s self preservation…..let’s face it….if they had feelings like others…..and could communicate and come to ratianal decisions…..WE WOULDN”T BE IN THIS SITUATION.
Sara, don’t beat yourself up…….just get back on the NC horse and move forward, allow the grieving to happen and embrace each feeling and learn how your respond and feel during your journey……
It’s a process girl….it’s a process.
XXOO
Isabelle, the only thing I can think of off the top of my head is that unemployment has been extended many times by the government, I think you could get another 26 weeks ++
That is what I have heard on the news, I don’t know what state you are in. Please check that out too, I know it’s not much, but it’s something.
Dear sara,
When you don’t let him contact you you are NOT “being mean” for goodness sakes! If a rattle snake bit you would you pick it up juist because it said “I love you?” Of course not, and he is the SAME THING a POISON SNAKE….
Isabelle,
It is POSSIBLE that your unemployment will be extended because of the recession. Check on that.
Two contact social services, wel fare, food stamps, whatever is available, go to a food pantry.
This is exactly why he is doing this to you to drive you to bankruptcy and poverty so he can laugh his arse off at “getting” to you. He doesn’t care if his kids starve, in fact, he likes it that you are in a problem.
You did right by contacting the attorney instead of going to HIM directly.
Call lDHS and see if they will help you or child enforcement or any agency you can think of.
Check with ACORN and see if they will pay your utilities, also the utility companies have some “help” available too, call them and tell them your problem see if there is some help.
Contact your religious group and see if there is anything available through that. Dobn’t despair (I know that is difficult) and just do the best you can. You and your children are in my prayers! Love Oxy
So everytime I have contact with him…..I feel like I’ve screwed up. Like I’m starting over. But I have NOT seen him and we have not been intimate. And when that has happened in the past it really messes me up. So I feel like Im teetering here. I did ignore his initial calls ….didn’t answer the phone, ignored his texts but he kept sending them and I kept reading. His begging me to speak to him and I did! I’m swimming and feeling like I’m drowning here. I wanted to hear his voice wanted him to call but when he didn’t….at least I knew where I stood…..on my own two feet. When he did, I feel lost all over again.
sarasims, for me, I was never able to tell them to get out, except with the S I was involved with for a year, when I realized what I was doing and what he was I was on the floor crying. When he calls, don’t answer the phone, you will feel stronger each time you do this, and he will know exactly what you are doing and be pissed because he has no control over you anymore, he thinks you are going to come crawling back, you are not going to get the relief you seek from him, it’s only inside of you, you have to love yourself and be able to give yourself those feelings of being loved and being worthwhile, don’t look into his eyes for your self worth.
The S did call me about a month ago, I answered a blocked number, I was very nice (fake) then he started calling everyday, I stopped answering the phone, and this is a man who is dying of liver cancer/cirrhosis — needs a liver transplant. I know he just wanted something from me, MONEY, he asked me “are you alone” because they know if someone is with us they will knock some sense into our head.
You’ve come a long way, we know how tough it is, just the few times I talked to the S triggered me right back into places I didn’t want to revisit in my mind, I was upset all over again. If you have decided that you don’t want to be conned again then don’t answer the phone or look at messages. Is he calling because the OW kicked him out?