By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Erin – you are right. I am full of fear right now. Bc I know how I am. And I am terrified. I can read it in my posts…..rambling, trembling…..and you are right about me wanting to think I misread him. I keep trying to find the good in things he’s done. I keep thinking it was all a big misunderstanding. I mean, I am such a caring and loving person – why wouldn’t he want me over her? She’s slept with several other men during the time they were together, talked about him behind his back….btw she’s a SP too. Why in the world wouldn’t he want a woman that would move the sun, earth and stars to make him happy. I would do anything for him and he knows that. So why wouldn’t he want me….that’s what he used to tell me in the beginning….so why wouldn’t it be true? I just misread him! I can’t let this happen to me again.
SC – he is no longer with the other woman bc he says she was f**cking 3 other guys and then was talking about him behind his back. A friend 3 wayed him in and he heard it for himself. He said she poisoned his mind against me and tried to make me look bad…..like I was out to hurt him and he was blinded by this bc she had money and was paying his bills during a rough time in his life. I told him “it doesn’t feel very good to have the person your with screwing around on you – does it??” but I know it meant nothing. He just doesn’t want to be alone and he knows that I am full of forgiveness and love. And I’ve always accepted him back!
Dear Sara,
Hun, every time you listen to him you are having CONTACT. It will set you back. He is trying to drag you back into the FOG. (Fear Obligation and Guilt) and when you listen, or read, you are going there, he is CONTROLLING you and HE knows it.
When you refuse to listen to him (or read) you are controling YOURSELF and he can’t stand that, HE WANTS TO CONTROL YOU. Not love you, not share with you, to CONTROL YOU LIKE A PUPPET. You are the same to him as SHE is, Just a puppet to control and he LOVES THAT. It doesn’t matter if you are telling him to F* off, you are talking to him. You are encouraging him.
Sure,l he will come back and come back and come back, but in the end, he wil lgo away ONLY IF YOU DON’T ALLOW HIM IN. DON’T LISTEN TO HIM.
Every time you listen you go back to SQUARE ONE OF PAIN, fear, and doubt! STOP IT!!! NOW! TODAY! (((hugs)))) prayers and my compassion. I know it hurts. oxy
It just makes me second guess myself like I expect too much?? I mean can life really be like a fairytale?
Isabelle:
It’s time to look for resources……do all you can, contact every agency and MOST importantly…..DO NOT LET YOUR FEAR PARALYZE YOU!!!!!
All the agencies that Oxy mentioned offer services…..BTW…..none of the utilities get turned off immediately.
I have gone 2-3 months without paying phone/cell/water/electric and gas……yeah, the threats of shut off is unnerving…..but it won’t happen immediately!
Don’t allow him to pigeon hole you and the kids……
It won’t serve him well…….. in court and make sure you are documenting in a journal, dates times and behaviors……
Recite the serenity prayer…..
And realize……99.9% of things we worry about are in vain…..your doing all you can, don’t let it take you down…..things will come around for you….have faith….you all will be OKAY! Try to find some peace…..and don’;t let the snowball of worry, turn into an avalanche.
XXOO
EB
Sarasims, I spent 14 years with a man (who I now consider an N with mild Aspergers) and the entire time I felt something was not quite right, but I hung in there, caring, giving, supportive, everything I could do to be wonderful, hoping and waiting for him to change… until he finally moved out because he did not see any benefit in staying with me anymore… he couldn’t be a complete parasite anymore. Please don’t do this to yourself. Love is not supposed to be like that.
You listed all the reasons he should want to be with you, and those strengths of ours are exactly why they want to be with us, but the thing that is missing on his part is… love, compassion, a desire to take care of you, fidelity, truth.
Everytime he leaves the house you are going to wonder where he is going and who he’s going to be with? Can you live like that? Questioning everything he does? Afraid to go anywhere because if you are not home he will go out? Spend that time looking for a good man — if that’s what you want.
sarasims, “bc she had money and was paying his bills during a rough time in his life”… this is an S, this is what I was stuck with, a real man does not have women paying their bills, do you really think he cares that she was screwing 3 other guys? She means nothing to him, he was probably screwing 5 other women. She threw him out, he is using the pity ploy on you.
Even though the man I was with has become so ill in the last 6 months, I still want him to come over here and tell me he loves me and can’t be without me, I still want to believe it, but I am being strong in my convictions, in my knowledge, in my truth.
Sara, yes life can be like a fairytale. Fairytales are simple metaphors for the complexity of real life. So instead of talking about Narcissism, you just talk about the wicked step mother or the evil troll under the bridge or the vampire that sucks your blood.
If you read, “why is it always about you” you will begin to picture your xP as an evil, hideous, foul, slimeball wearing a “people suit” with a zipper in the back. He can unzip it and step out of his “people costume” and you will see the real booger that he is.
Ok, so maybe there’s no real zipper in the back but metaphorically speaking, there is. When he is talking to you, emailing or texting you, you must maintain an image of this dual personality. YOU MUST remain cognizant of the very real monster inside the people suit at every moment. I know that they seem perfectly real, you can’t even see the zipper if you look for it. BUT IT’S REALLY THERE. Keep hold of that in your mind. HE ISN’T REAL. HE IS ACTING. ALL THE TIME.
When you are finally able to maintain those 2 images in your mind simultaneously and BELIEVE that there is a monster inside his skin, you will be free of his control.
You all are so well versed here. I can see that I’m moving in the right direction but I’m not there yet. Bc at least Im here now (this time) trying to convince myself that my assessment of him is spot on. Whereas before, I never gave it a second thought. Although I did speak to him, my mind was reeling the entire time saying don’t let this happen. Don’t do it. Don’t let him do this to YOU. Telling myself to be strong. I want to be strong. It’s like my inner self fighting good vs. evil. And I can feel it. I can feel the battle raging and I want to believe him, I want to feel the feelings BUT I want to be here for you guys to say NO WAY and remind me of the little things I haven’t yet learned. I feel like I’m steps ahead of where I was before but still weak. I’m going to buy the book WHY IS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU today!
Sarasims, any of this advice has come from hard fought battles with ourselves, I am certainly not trying to come across as all cool, calm and collected. I kept a journal during the year I was with the S, I was screaming at myself to STOP STOP STOP, I loaned him money, I tried to be everything he wanted in a woman, I was here at LF before I even met him and I just shoved all the info I learned into the back of my brain because I wanted this guy that bad and I just did not “GET IT”. I hit the wall at Christmas… no call, New Years Eve… no call, but afterwards? Still calling and coming over needing money. That was when I was on the floor crying, I knew I had to take care of myself, I was completely lost in a whirlwind, couldn’t even think, I don’t want to go back there, that’s why I don’t answer the phone, of course I want to talk to him. I started out saying NO when he asked to borrow money, I was scared — of course, that he would go away, but I felt stronger each time I did it, he did start distancing himself and I went NC for ME.
Someone here at LF wrote to me that they are PREDATORS, and you really have to let that SINK IN, like a cunning lion stalking his prey… PREDATORS, they size you up, figure out how giving and compassionate you are, then pounce. Jeez, I’m scaring myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!