By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
SARA, good for you.
I’ve recommended that book to so many people, it makes me wish I was getting a percentage!!
But actually I’m just sooooo grateful to the author Sandy Hotchkiss, for writing it. I’m grateful to everyone who has had the courage to write or speak about narcissism and doesn’t just sweep this tsunami under the rug. You know, a tsunami doesn’t have a wave on the surface until it comes near the shore. Before then, the water travels quickly but doesn’t rise until it crashes on the shore and wreaks destruction. I think the wave of narcissism and sociopathy in our world is like a tsunami with no warning, coming closer to the shore every minute.
Thank you all for continuing to be here for all of us – to be here for each other. Of course, this morning, I knew this was the first place I needed to be. It’s the only place that makes me feel calm and at ease. Bc I know you all will encourage and not pass judgement bc you’ve been here before. Some people who don’t understand look at you like your crazy. Are you honestly still hanging on to this?? But they don’t understand the control they have. I have to keep reminding myself……all I wanted for the past two months was for him to call. To feel like it meant something. And even though I know it is all lies, HE had to be the one crawling back and apologizing….EVEN if he didn’t mean it. Not once in those two months did I call him or try to contact me. I didn’t give him the satisfaction to beg for him. I should be pleased at what happened and enjoy the feeling of him coming back yet again – BUT this time……show him nothing! And let it go. Let him go and be done with it. I should feel satisfied that I make this final decision…..not him.
Dear Sara,
Another book you should read is the Betrayal Bond. The attachment we have to them (they are unable to attach in a normal way, if they do attach it is as a tick on a dog, as a parasite) but it literally chemically changes our brains. It is also called “stockholm syndrome” where it was first observed and written about in a case where some hostages of bank robbers after only 2 days or so literally attacked the cops who rescued them. Two of the women actually married the robbers 10 years later when they got out of prison.
Patty Hearst also had it when she was kidnapped by the pseudo-political criminals in the 70s. Read about her experiences. It doesn’t have to be so dramatic, but the abuse actually bonds us to them. Look at Elizabeth Smart and the girl who was just rescued after 19 years of being kidnapped.
It is not your “fault” that you are hooked on him like an illegal drug, but you CAN kick the habit and recover. You MUST kick the habit in order to survive and be whole. YOU CAN DO IT! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you, sweetie!
Sarasisms,
OOOhhhhhhh. Sara.
I know all too well the pain, the struggle, your heart tells you one thing you mind tells you another.
Listen to your intellect here!
I have been there. Oxy knows. It was awful. Recoverya after a run-in ;like this is worse than the initial recovery, because when you first got away you didn’t know what you were dealing with. Now you know and you will only have yourself to blame for what you ALLOWED him to do to you KNOWING what evil he is. IN this sinful earth HE IS EVIL.
I am dealing with my P everyday. Yes it was nice when he groveled to come back, but it’s insane how addictive it really is. Everything in my mind was telling me he’s a sociopath!!!!!!
It’s all part of the plan, but it was sooooo nice “feeling” loved.
IT’s a hoax!!!!! Think about what a man who was truly capable of love would do and say. Chances are he is doing and saying none of those!!!
Dear. I have a child with my P.
NC is almost impossible. I must relay info on my son. negotiate flu shots and get harrassed about bruises and threatened about calling CPS.
If you have NO CHILDREN with this P….BLOCK his calls, BLOCK his texts. and do it noww!!!!!
YOU CAN DO IT. YOU WILL BE FREE.
Hugs and prayers
Proverbs 26
He is a FOOL
BTW- Let HIM make the final decision!
If you make the decision he will always want to come back. HE DOES WANT YOU, he wants YOU and THE OW And ALL the other OW. he LOVES NONE of you.
LET Hims leave. he wants to hurt you. YOU winning will only cause him to want to come back again so he can HURT YOU.
Just let it GO…Like they have said already.
if you are looking for CLOSURE there is no closure. there is only NC.
GO NC NOW.
I truly think that NC was one of the hardest things for me to do. Even after the horrible incident, there was a part of me that just wanted to tell him off and make him see what he had done. It took alot for me to understand that there would be absolutely no point in any of that. It was hard for me to convince myself that it was enough that I knew what had happened. Of course while he was out on bail, he was unrelentless is his attempts to contact me, even spreading lies about my family to clients of mine. He continued to break the No Contact order as part of his release conditions, and I continued to report it, and after a couple of months, the courts finally revoked his bail while awaiting trial – that was a relief!
However, just a couple of weeks ago, he was transferred from prison to a county jail in order to be present for hearings on probation violations. Ironically enough, he was on felony probation for dui’s when he was convicted of the felony for attacking my son.
So once he was transferred to the county jail for the proceedings, there was no restrictions on phone calls and he started calling me again. The 1st call caught me off guard, of course I did not accept the collect call. But he kept calling, so I reported it and filed more charges.
The thing that bothers me the most, is that after all this, there’s still that part of me thats just curious to wonder what in the world would he say to me?? It’s like curiosity killed the cat. So, I still have to fight that urge.
To satisfy my curiosity, I have created the dialogue in my head. Knowing him as well as I do (even though you never really “know” a SP) still I can figure that he would be nice, then probably use some guilt tactics, and end it with requesting that I help him in some way with his appeal.
Of course if it was up to me, I’d be happy if he was serving a life sentence to protect society from him. He contributes nothing, and only leaves a trail of pain and destruction.
Sometimes I think it would be entertaining to hear what he has to say – then I realize that’s the part of me that is still denial. The part of me that thinks that I could have really have the upper hand with a SP. I keep reminding myself the only way to have the upper hand with a SP and move on with my life is through ABSOLUTELY NC!!!
Sara maybe this will help.
I received these texts in July (one month after he was served)
10:04 am “banana, I can’t tell you how sorry i am for what i have done to u, but please understand i do love you and care for you. Even though you have hurt me threw our son. You have accused me of abusing my son and i still care for you. i love our son with every beat of my heart just as you do. Why cant we work something out instead of being nasty like this. Is this gonna be good for my son when he gets older. I know your mad at me but please dont take my son from me. I only see him 2 and a half days a week. What do i need to do my son for this to stop. Please take some time to think about this without your anger being in the way. If i could start over i would change what i did i would. But whats done is done. Im hurting too. I just hope you can open up your heart forgive me for what i have done. Im not a bad person i just made a wrong decision or decisions that now i am paying dearly for. What do u want me to do. How can i make your pain stop.”
10:06 am “You know im not a bad person..”
HE WANTS HIS SON…not me…but he knows if he can convince me that he loves me he will get his son.
HE LOVES NEITHER OF US.
This is what I deal with now.
ME: I believe we should be there around 9pm. I’ll text you as usual at exit 29.
P/S:I made plans since we dont meet till 10:30pm per our agreement so i wont be able to make it till then…i cant text now…when i can i will text u back.
ME: Can I meet you half way tonight or tomorrow? Exit 25?
P/S: Meet at exit 25 ill be there half hour
ME: Ok. I packed clothes for Noah to wear Wed. along with your clothes. If you pack an outfit Wed. I’ll dress him in it for you Thurs. K?
P/S: On oct.22nd i text u at 7am telling u i wanted to pick up baby from daycare early and you complained it was too late of notice but its ok for u to give me an hour notice. I will advise my attorney and law guardian of this and how you continuosly change plans only to benefit you.
ME: Then ill meet you at exit 27 at 10:30
P/S: If u want to continue driving around with baby and play games then feel free…u cry about me giving u an all day notice but u give me an hour notice…u cant expect me to sit around all night waiting for u to decide if and when ur going to drop baby off. Be more responsible.
ME:I want what’s best for baby. I’ll see you in about 10 minutes. We missed the exit.
P/S: Actions speak louder than words…disrupting his sleeping time driving this late at night instead of letting me take him while ur at ur classes like im supposed to have him at 3:30pm and keeping him from his father is not in babys best interest.
Guilt trips…this isn’t even the worst.
PS I avoided taking him back after that episode in July, but I narrowly escaped him after a physical encounter in August.
I have SO MUCH REGRET for giving him exactly what he wanted an OW for his OW…that’s all I was.
Dear Gemini Girl – Thanks for sharing the words of Anais Nin
with me awhile back. I meant to thank you back then. It was sweet of you. I ‘ve been thinking a great deal about the analogy you related. I wish had had enough sense a number of years back to realize how true those words are.
I found out first hand that trying to comfort and help someone like that is very dangerous. I didn’t know how to do it in a healthy way. It seemed too cold to just say, ” I’m so sorry
for what you’re going through and I’m sure you’ll find the answer to your dilemna in time.”
Some would say that is a healthy empathetic response. At
the time, it just would have seemed cold and selfish to me,
but now I understand. I got pulled into the deep water when
I tried to provide solace. It has cost me so dearly I can’t even
assess the value of what I’ve lost personally in this situation.
I felt betrayed and hurt. I’m learning the proper balance between healthy self protection and the limits of just what you can or can’t do for someone drowning in ther own personal drama. It’s natural for them to start grasping at those who have shown them any warmth or kindness in the past.
I’ll never forget those words of wisdom. Thanks Gem…
IC,
don’t worry about what he would say. They are only capable of 3 responses: charm, pity and rage.
So he would try to charm you by telling you he always loved you. Then he would try to tell you how his heart has been broken. Last of all he might rage at you for betraying him.
An interesting tactic that my xP uses is to bring up something bad he has done, which I’ve accused him of before but he has denied. For instance, a lie he told that I called him on. Then he would attack by saying that I called him a liar. Then he would dare me to call him a liar over and over again. The reason for this is to create a reason inside HIMSELF to be angry. This anger would then excuse any bad behavior that he has planned to do in the future. He even TOLD me that he was doing this. He would say, “Keep calling me a liar because it strengthens my resolve.”
They need details for their stories to make them come true in their own heads. So, of course they will create the drama by pushing your buttons and then the scene is set. You played your part, they have their reason to hate you and are free to do whatever they planned in the first place.
Hi Erin and Oxy…
Thank you so much for your encouragement, today. I was really rattled. I have an appointement with one agency tomorrow that I prequalified for assistance on line.
I also received an e-mail asking if I’d be interested in a position (similar to the one given to another), but at a different location. I responded, “Definately.”
I’ll have to go through the whole interview process again with two different managers, so I’m not sure when they will want me to actively start.
I also found out, due to the recession, it is most likely that my benefits will not suddenly stop. There are up to three extentions; though I’m hoping I won’t need them.
I pray tomorrow will be a better day.