By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Isabell:
I know it’s all very overwhelming….but if we can control our thoughts and not let them get caught up in the ‘media’ scares….and just keep it our personal issues….we do much better.
We can’t hold the world on our shoulders…..ALTHOUGH….as a mother….we can sure hold seveal nations!!!! But not always necessary.
See….there is ALWAYS light, we need to seek it out!
🙂
Serenity prayers to you……..
XXOO
Oxy – I can’t tell you what your continued words of wisdom mean to me. I plan to get the book you suggest also – TODAY. I’ve heard people refer to the stockholm syndrome but I never looked into it or really knew it’s meaning. But it does make complete sense. It’s so easy to look at someone else in that position and say “I can’t believe they let that happen to themselves” but here I am doing the exact same thing. And when he returns, even though I secretly wanted him to, I find myself in a worse position than if he stayed away. At least I knew the difference btw what was and was not. That first day he was begging me to cave….knew all the right things to say…..missed me more than anything in the world. And as soon as his plan worked and I was sharing and talking with him he was satisfied. Now he has disappeared and could care less whether he talks to me or not. I just DONT understand that. He gets my hopes up and I believe that he is so excited to have me back in his life then everything else is a priority over me. I know the trend well….and although I thought I was prepared for this……I DONT and CANT understand why he would do that. Why is it important that I am accepting of him….then he not care to talk to me? I’m trying to understand….the trend is there…..but every time he changes it up a bit!
banana – thank you for sharing…..YES, all of you have so much to offer that helps. The sad part is that we only have grief and pain to share other than some joyous event.
Tuesday morning the phone rang and being an unmarked number, I didn’t have any idea. But then my stomach sank, my heart pounded and I found myself trembling! I kept repeating to myself…..”do not let him do this, do not let him do this….you are prepared. You know better!” But in the end, I read every msg and it started all over again. Today I begin NC again. I will tell myself that I am satisfied with his begging and let it be. I will let go. This is only a game to him and I know that. I will not play it again. And luckily, we do not share children, although he shares plenty of them with OW! Imagine that! How do we always pick the losers!
God bless and thank you for being here with me.
Dear Sara,
Our emotions go all over the scale, and it is the grief process, but in the bargaining stage of grief we keep thinking “if I would just do so and so, I wouldn’t have to suffer this loss (of him) maybe I can make it work” Of course it does NOT work, but we are back to square one because we must ADMIT, THE RELATIONSHIP IS DEAD. I cannot resurrect it and if I did, it would kill ME.
Also google and look at Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s Grief Process and look at the stages she describes. This is what you are experiencing, GRIEF over a “loss”—a GOOD loss but none the less a LOSS.
Hang in there sweetie, it WILL GET BETTER WITH NC, I promise you. I can make that promise and I know it will happen if you just stay with NC. (((hugs))))
Thank you Oxy! I’m hanging on to your promise! 🙂
Dear Sara,
As you have time, go back through the archived articles, they are divided by author and by general subject like “breaking free from the sociopath” or “healing” or “understanding” Start with any way you want to arrange them, but read ALL of them, and there iare a bunch of them! Each article you read (just read the article and don’t worry about the comments at this point) There is a WORLD of information there that will help you in every as[ect of breakign free. It won’t be easy, but NC is the ONLY way to keep on the road and not backk track. You will flip flop on your emotions from day to day and sometimes minute to minute but this is NORMAL. the articles will give you insights and help you. It is abig LEARNING PROCESS and as you get those “ah ha” moments which you will, you can apply those to what you already know and put them to WORK in your life!
Sometimes it feels like untangling a hopelessly tangeled piece of string, but as more and more is unwound, it gets progressively easier. ((((hugs)))) and God bless you.
Sarasisms.
Why can’t you just block him?
Do you have any reason to HAVE to communicate with this man?
Seriously. I am thinking of getting a restraining order so he can only text about my son’s health. and do exchanges at the state police barracks.
If you want to block texts and calls there are several ways.
it does depend on your provider, but if go to tools-security-you should be able to block all except for those that are in your list of contacts.
Take him out…you con’t need his number.
We understand here. I have slipped up more times than I like to admit. But YOU WILL GET STRONGER EVERYDAY.
I SECOND OXY”S PROMISE. NC is the only door to healing.
Please keep coming here. open up to us, we will not forsake you, no matter how many times you stumble or Oxy has to hit you with the cyber skillet.
I HAVE COME JUST FOR THE SKILLET.
PS YES I have pain, but my SPIRIT IS NOT BROKEN, he only hurts me when i allow him to. MY life outside of him is more than I could ask for : )
sarasisms…ohhhh how I feel what you’re going through. I just read everything and caught up. And I dread the day that my ex S pops back up. I know the difference for me was that my heart wasn’t ready to move on each time I took him back. But the last time, there wasn’t any heart left for him to break. I was broken, empty and numb. My heart is ready to move on now. I hope yours can be too. You KNOW this is a pattern. You have to trust that he will do the same to you again. And I agree..if you don’t have any reason to have contact with him, then block his number and change your email address. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. Stay stong and we’re here for you. HUGS
amber and banana – I have no reason to have contact with him other than my heart is breaking into a million pieces and I keep hoping it will be different. Keep praying I can say or do the right thing – show him how a normal good hearted person lives – so that he will want to be a part of that. I can not see this post for my tears bc I AM ALLOWING this to happen. I am allowing for MY SELF DESTRUCTION. I know better but I keep allowing him to do this. He’s been back in contact 4 days and my spirit is gone, I don’t care if it’s daylight or dark, all I want is to talk to him and try to make him see that it could be different. And just like that, he’s gone again. He told me today that he can’t talk to me bc he’s now got to focus on his failed marriage. That his wife is now the most important thing in his life. And that he came back Tuesday bc he needed someone to talk to. But I expect too much – too quickly. When will I hit that brick wall….when will I have no more to give? I want to be cold and callous and GIVE NO MORE!!! But EVERYTIME I PUT MY HEART OUT THERE and accept his crappy apology. And EVERY time I end up suffering.
I keep holding onto NOTHING! There is nothing there but a distant memory of what was so beautiful. Or what I THOUGHT was so beautiful. I want to be a SP!!! I want to not feel. I want to find it so easy to hate!