By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Oxy – I bought the book today! Now I need you to hit me with that skillet and hide me away somewhere for a year so that I can forget all of this!
I see that it’s a never ending learning process – a journey of healing…..but it seems so unfair that it has to go on forever! We did nothing to deserve this horrible sentence that we’re living. We only opened our hearts as wide as we could to someone we thought deserved it.
Dear Sara,
No, darling, you don’t need the skillet up side the head, you are hurting enough now. So the arsehole calls you and talks then decides he is going to work on his failed marriage? BOY! Is she lucky! NOT!!!!!!
Sara, that is why NC IS SO IMPORTANT. Every time you break it, it sets you back to square one, and that is what they are trying to do! It is like a nasty 10 year old teasing a starving dog with a bone! They are not going to let the poor dog have the bone, but oh, how they ENJOY WATCHING THE DOG DANCE AND BEG AND CRAWL for the bone!
He is the WORST KIND OF JERK in the whole world! I know you are better off without him, but at this moment I know it hurts that someone you loved so much, who held out that “bone of love” to you and you wanted it so much, but in the end that “bone of love” turned out to be a piece of plastic. NOT REAL.
A persopn who really loves you does NOT treat you that way any more than the kid holding the bone up to the starving dog.
You are worth so much more than to have someone who is a snake in the grass a piece of dog crap, to torment you. I know right now you don’t feel like it, but YOU ARE>
What kind of MONSTER would torment someone like this? An EVIL monster, that is what! You deserve to be loved for the sweet wonderful woman you are, not to be tortured like this.
One thing I did was to write to my egg donor, and to my P-son and to tell them what I wanted to say—then I tore it up and rewrote it over and over and over, or I would scream it at them like they were in the room, bound and gagged so they couldn’t talk back and I would tell them what they were, and how angry I was and that I was not going to settle for treatment like this.
Saying or writing these things TO them is a lost cause, because they cannot get it, and if they could, they don’t care what you think about them.
It is almost sad/funny, but I wrote to my P son before I finally went NC with his sorry butt, and pleaded with him, begged him, and with my egg donor I literally got on my knees to her and begged her to believe me, not to scorn me, not to devalue me, and it didn’t do a bit of good. In fact, all the letters I wrote to P son came back to bite me in the butt,…and I sounded INSANE in them. heck I WAS INSANE, insane with pain, insane with grief, insane with loss and desperation that my entire life, my egg donor and my son were persecuting me. Sheesh, it is sometimes hard now that I have been NC for quite some time (can’t remember the exact date but about 2 yrs) that I am so FREE and I really do NOT give a rat’s behind about either one of them. Whether they are living or dead, healthy or sick. I am indifferent to what is going on in their lives, and as someone here once said, “the nirvana of indifference.” It was slow coming, but I got there, and I am determined to stay on this healing road.
Go back to the main page and google “oxdrover” and a list of my articles will come up, there is one called “are we there yet” and it is about staying on the healing road and not getting to where we think we are “healed” and instead we jump off into another PIT of a P-relationship.
Once you have been on the road toward healing it does get easier, and there are people here to help you, REAL friends, TRUE friends, who will hold your hand and will lift you up. Will encourage you to stay on the road, and there comes a point someday, it will sneak up on you, and you will REALIZe I am HAPPY! Just like that, you will one day realize that your life is together and you are actually HAPPY. Not because someone else loves you, but because YOU LOVE YOU. Until that time, be careful, don’t even think of dating someone new or that someone else can make you happy. IT IS A DO-IT-YOURSELF project, but YOU CAN DO IT. Sugar, I was 60+ before I started to truly be happy and SECURE in myself. It is wonderful and well worth the wait. ((((hugs))) and God bless you sugar!
You break my heart, dear soul. I have nothing to offer more valuable then what the others have said and encouraged…but I just want you to know there is another one out here backing you.
I hear myself in your tears and anguish from times past. I know how you feel, the desperation and fear, the heartbreak. I haven’t got to read all of your posts and don’t know your whole story, I’m sorry, but I caught the last couple or so.
NC really does make things better. I know in the past NC did nothing for me.(I knew I would talk to him sooner or later) It was not until I knew that no matter what he tried or said, I would NOT talk to him outside of our son that I had control to make or break NC. Once I decided that for my sanity and health I would not have contact with him (would not break nc), that’s when I started to feel in control of myself and was able to start learning. That’s when I found out what he was and some of what was wrong with me. Now I can heal!
I am so very sorry for your pain. A great big long ((((hug)))) for you, my dear!
Love, hugs, and prayer, heavenbound
sorry, that post was for sarasims!
Hello everyone!
Oxy, I was able to get assistance today. It took all day, but was worth it. And, regarding the position I lost, well I have another interview Monday at a different location.
As for TONIGHT… my son is in the 8th grade, and in band. Tonight is the Homecoming game for the adjacent H.S. that my daughter attends. My son’s band always joins the H.S. Band for the Homecoming game.
MY PROBLEM…I’ve managed to avoid having contact with the ex, and even avoided going to my daughter’s Back-to-School night, because he intended to show up, after five years of never going to these. My son informed me that his dad knows about him playing at the HC game. He found out from his band teacher. WHICH MEANS…he will be at the game tonight. His Jezeebel wife’s son goes to the same H.S. Though he’s not in football, nor do they have any interest in football…they have a perfect excuse to be there. My son is stressed out. He doesn’t want his dad to go. And, expecially he doesn’t want to see the Jezeebel at his function. Jezeebel loves to make a big scene. She’s very seductive, dresses in the latest fashions, and makes sure everyone notices her. I’m…well, 70 pounds overwieght, and cannot afford fashionable clothing. And, though I’m told I don’t look my age, I do look wornout. It’s all so very uncomfortable, embarrassig, and intimidating.
Last year, I had an army of supporters with me. This year, my army is busy. I am only going to watch my son play with the H.S. band. It will be just me, my youngest daughter, and my grandson. My H.S. daughter will be off with her friends.
I feel sick to my stomach.
Isabell:
Stand proud and remember what you went there for!
That’s it…..do not let him and barbi intimidate you…..girl STAND PROUD!!!!
Take some Pepto…..puke and look in the mirror and tell yourself your BEAUTIFUL….BELIEVE IT…..and get your strong ass to that game and strut your stuff with CONFIDENCE and a big smile!!!!
XXOO
Erin…
LOL, you crack me up. OH MY GOSH!!! I think you are primed for being a life coach. Wow!!!
Well, I’m back. And, he did show up; just as I expected he would.
He such a stalker. Think if the size of a H.S. stadium. Fortunately, I sat where I could see my son in the sea of band players, off to the side. The FREAK walks up and stands behind my son, says nothing. He gives off such a icky vibe, that even when you don’t know he’s there, the hair on the back of your neck stands up, and you have to look.
Well, my son, the middle child, generally wants peace at any price. So, as his adrenalin rose, he talked himself out of reacting the middle finger expressive kind of way. He walked the couple steps up to his dad and, did that weird “guy” hand shake thing, guys do, then asked…”Why are you here?”
The answer he was given wasn’t, “Because I wanted to see you play with the H.S. band. I’m so proud of you.” No, he was told, “This is my home game.”
HOME GAME? He’s 51 freakin years old, and he NEVER went to the H.S. football games, when we were kids. He hates sports. Suddenly, it’s HIS home game?
My son says, “YOUR home game? Really? Common, that’s just weird.”
His dad responds, “Oh, and Jezeebel is here too, and her demonically possessed son, as well.” Well, ok, he didn’t say this, it’s my description of them, and my kids have said worse. So, anyway…
My son says, “And? Them being here just makes it even weirder.”
His dad, “Weird? Why?”
My son, “Oh, YOU KNOW why this is weird. And, I know that’s exactly why you do it. And, thanks dad, now YOU’ve made me late for my piece. I didn’t invite you. I don’t want you here. I wish you’d get that through your head.”
From my point of view, which was limited… THANK GOD. I could see the expression on the FREAKS face. Without knowing the exact exchange of words until later, I KNEW my son had said something that smacked the cocky, arrogance, overly optomisic, smug smirk off the FREAKS face. He went from trying to appear the ever present, supportive, super involved dad, to the stiff necked, tight lipped, glib, nose in the air, monster that we know him to be.
When the first break came, my son came to me, clearly rattled. “This is MY night. WHY is HE here?” He also expressed wanting to act out in a rather crude hand jester toward Jezeebel, and hoped if he did, his father would push him on the bleachers…desireing to see him get arrested.
Wow!!!… Ummm… hmmmm…. I had to talk him down from this mind set, fast. I told him, “I can see you are really upset that he’s here. And, you are even more upset that he brought his “little family.” If you really want to injure him, then you must do exactly what I say… DO NOTHING!!!!! Don’t look over in their direction. Don’t acknowledge them. Play your heart out. Enjoy your friends. Act as if they are so unimportant that you can’t even see them.
My son told me that Jezeebel kept staring and pointing at him.
He went on to say… “If she tries to talk to me, I’ll….” I interupted him and said… “You’ll be deft. You wont look her in the eyes, you won’t acknowledge her existance. You won’t take the bait. You’ll turn your back, and carry on.
Which is exactly what he did, the rest of the evening.
His older sister was hanging out with her friends, and she explained that the FREAK did the same thing to her. He stood a few feet away, didn’t say anything, just stared at her with a creepy grin on his face. She flashed him her “What’s your problem? look. And, he crumbled into the stone faced, tight lipped, nose in the air, expression.
He slithered away… and remained out of the spot light, the rest of the eveing.
As I played with my youngest daughter and grandson, totally enjoying the two of them, I kept thinking about how uncomfortable I was knowing (on a gut level) that he was going to be there, in contrast to how uncomfortable he’s going to be when the evidence of his “real” intentions about what is best for the kids is exposed (I had to apply for assistance, and qualified, while he just purchased another car, and is refusing to pay court ordered support), along with his violation of Minute Orders, and Stipulations. I started to enjoy the fact that they crashed this evening’s event, pleased with themselves being so powerful; completely unaware that the hammer of the law is going to come crashing down on them.
Everything I’ve been reading in this forum kept racing through my mind, and while I didn’t strut per se, I did change my thinking, and was able to enjoy the reason I was there, in the first place, with confidence and a very BIG smile!!
Isabell:
GOOD FOR YOU…..AWESOME FOR YOUR KIDS!
They want to have a voice, and they are seeing they do!
Now…..keep a balance…..don’t let the highs too high or the lows too low…..BALANCE
You already know things change from moment to moment……
What you experienced tonight is ALL THE REASON you need to live YOUR life.
Support your kiddos, enjoy your grandbaby and carry on.
A Barbi doesn’t make happiness, a new car doesn’t make happiness…….
YA know what makes happiness…….your kids coming to YOU for support, guidance and love….NOT throwing you the bird and asking you WHY the hell you are there and having to slither away!!!!!!
Take mental notes on your feelings tonight, write it down too….but make a mental note of each time you are empowered and WHAT occured with that feeling……
OWN IT GIRL!!!!
Isabell,
WOW! SUCH AWESOME KIDS!
There is something about teenagers that makes them so intimidating. They have the charisma and entitlement of a sociopath but it’s a God given right. God meant for them to be that way until it’s time to grow up. Sociopaths can smell that and it makes them envious. They wish they never had to grow up and they are jealous of the youths who are still in the “quickening” stage of life.
From everything I’m reading on this site and experiencing since I learned about narcissism, I realized that kids have a power that we don’t. They aren’t easily fooled, they tell it like it is. Respect their abilities, they have so much to teach us.
You are a great mom Isabell, you’ve done such a great job.
Wow, Sarasims,
I don’t know your whole story, but I just read your post about him wanting to come back to you after screwing around with other women, because he found out they were cheating on HIM (!). He was blaming the OW for poisoning him against you. Sarasims, please read the recent article on the irrational optimism (or something like that) of the sociopath. Here is a man who cheated on you and ripped your heart out. Then he actually blamed the other woman for it. Even more unbelievable, he has the GALL to think you will fall for it!! Is this what you really deserve?? I believe what I’m about to say is true for ALL men, but ESPECIALLY for sociopaths. Hit the mute button. Don’t pay attention to their words; pay attention to their actions. He abused you horribly. He kicked you in the stomach. He abandoned you repeatedly, and when his supply ran out, he kept coming back. Honestly, would you even let someone treat your DOG like that?