By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Isabell
Erin…
How right you are about BALANCE. As you know, I’ve been on a roller coaster ride this week. I don’t see an immediate relief of such, for some time. From the beginning I had anticipated conflicts, but believed justice and fairness would even things out. Boy was that delusional thinking.
The highs would be so high. I’ve believed each one was a turning point, that indicated everything was going to be better. WRONG!!!!
The same is true for the lows. They’ve been heart grabbing, terror producing, paralyzing – and, as you said, Erin…most of the time what I was so afraid of didn’t pan out the way the initial threat presented.
And even though I know this in my head, getting a grip on my emotions takes an enormous amount of energy, focus and presence of thought. I think the initial emotionally charged reactions are triggered by the past (even childhood experiences) when I (we) didn’t have control of what was evil, wicked, and abusive toward us. And, the highs… well, the same thing. When we were children, the hope of Christmas could erase all monsters, at least for a little while. And, we would truely believe they were gone (or, at least the bad behavior) would be gone forever. If it wasn’t Christmas, then being placed in a new foster home, or finally being able to live with my sisters and Mom again. Each promise of hope, each high that signified this was the end of the nightmare, didn’t end the nightmare — And, as a child, I was (we were) helpess.
I’ve had episodes of helplessness the past few days. With each occurance, though I did feel paralyzed with fear, sick to my stomach, feeling like I was going to pass out, I kept moving forward in the dark dispair. This forum, with you amazingly insightful people were like voices calling out to me in the darkness and guilding me out, into the light where I’m not a helpless child. And, no matter what form of uncertainty that threatens mine and my kids security, I can move with opposite and equal force to ensure our security.
Erin…YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!! Last night, my youngest daughter (9), and grandson (5) were so cute. They were taking each other’s pictures, and taking my pictures with them. When it started to get colder, they were all over me with their blankets, snuggling, fighting over me, with their little arms wrapped around my neck, sitting on my lap, pressing their faces against mine. My grandson shouted…”This is the best night, EVER. We are having so much fun!” And, I thought…. WOW!!!! There is NOTHING on Earth that matters more then this moment.
Neither my youngest daughter, or my grandson had any awarness that freakazoid and godzilla were even there.
When we left the stadium, I arrived to my SUV that seats 8, and every seat was full. I was greated by “Hey, Mom! Hi Mom!” from the friends of my kids, that needed rides home.
I drove out of the parking lot feeling like the riches woman on Earth regardless of my empty wallet.
Skylar, I do believe you are right about teenagers. They aren’t easily fooled, and boy do they ever tell it like it is.
Thank you for your encouragement.
lostingrief
if you haven’t watched the video of rihanna talking about domestic abuse at the hands of chris brown, please watch this. when she talked about how his eyes changed, it gave me chills.
PART 1
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=9020947
PART 2
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=9020992
amber
lostingrief…OH MY GOD!!! I watched it last night..and it made me feel like I was going to throw up. My heart was beating fast and I had the worst know in my stomach. Her entire description of him was scary. I hope everyone else watches this. It’s so clear to me now. Wow. They’re are everywhere. I’m glad you posted this.
skylar
LIG,
Thank you so much for posting that.
That young woman is amazing. Her words and facial expressions were powerful.
I think youth has a certain wisdom and resiliency that we (speaking for myself) lose if we are under the spell of the P for too many years into adulthood.
In a way, she is lucky that he hit her early enough into the relationshit and that it was exposed in the media. It provided her with the feedback she needed to get out.
I wish my P had hit me, just once. Without that physical beating, I was clueless.
ErinBrock
Skylar:
The S started the physical abuse almost right off the bat with me……it sure didn’t stop anything…..as I grew older I hated the abuse, buy I thought I loved the man….If he could ONLY see how he hurts me…..
He used to tell me, early on….If a woman acts like a man, she deserves to be treated like one…….this was his justicication.
With me…..the physical came to a transition….it stopped….but the emotional and cruelty upped substantially. I remember him specifically saying to me……I WILL NEVER HIT YOU AGAIN……and he didn’t…..for years…..
With our first child, he pushed me down the stairs, he was angry I was going thru with the pregnancy…..he threatened to leave me….I cried and begged….I was terrified of being a single mother….
Then he started getting his physical out on our first child……in disguise of being a strict parent……spankings…..but they became more and more….and then several times a day…..always a lash out……he would get mad at me, saying i was coddeling the child…I needed to spank him more…..
My view on spanking was a last resort…..not a release of my uncontrollable emotions on the child for control.
He would leave hand prints on the child……I begged do NOT do this….I lived in fear of CPS……someone reporting it……but it wasn’t enough fear to get out…..I kept hoping it would change, I could protect us all…….
The physical I hated….the emotional I hated…..It was all a mind FUCK……and it all hurt! My family knew it, tried to help…..I went back….It was exposed….I made classic excuses…..
I don’t believe one can “monday morning quarterback’ and think you can gain insight from afar and relive our pasts and decisions…..
I was hit….in the beginning…..I sayed for 28 years!!!
Go figure!
The ONLY reason this woman CHOSE to leave was she had the strength. She became enlightened and made a CHOICE.
She wasn’t willing to lie to herself about it…..regardless of what her fans said and her family and other celebs…..she very easliy (like in the beginning) could have made excuses and defended and taken responsiblity for HIS actions…….
SHE DID NOT!!!!
She is awesome!!!!!! She has stepped away and defelected any ownership of HIS ACTIONS…….
I, on the other hand…accepted ownership of what he did….and why I deserved it and buried in deep and held the ‘secret’.
skylar….I’m sorry, but……
I find this statement disturbing, as if this would have changed anything…….
“I wish my P had hit me, just once. Without that physical beating, I was clueless. ”
Change the abuse avenue. Currently you are fully aware, he tried to poison you and you fear him for lot’s of reasons…..
AND STILL, YOU REMAIN IN TOUCH, thinking you can control your destiny this way.
In a sense, you give the same excuses a battered woman does to others why you remain in touch…..
Your not married.
You don’t share assets
You don’t have kids
You are not reliant on him financially
You are not living together…..
SO WHY?
Matt
Regrets–we all have them.
One regret I do not have — one year ago today I sent S packing and have been NC ever since. My decisions to get rid of that avarious piece of sewage and go NC are two of the best I ever made.
I seriously urge those who continue to “play” with the Ss in their lives via texting, taking phone calls, studying them on the pretense that they are educating themselves on S behavior or having any interaction whatsoever with the exception of having to resolve issues regarding your children, to stop it. Stop it and stop the madness. Accept the fact that you will never win with them and there is nothing to be gained by dealing with them and move on.
The only way you will ever heal from the whole traumatic experience of an N/S/P is to get it out of your life and stop their siren’s song. My life isn’t perfect — not by a longshot. But, as I enjoy this lovely fall afternoon, I think how different my life was a year ago when I was constantly in knots from S. He cost me dearly financially, emotionally and physically. But, in the cost-benefit analysis, not having his destructive presence in my life is priceless.
neveragain
Thank you for posting the links. Powerful. Wow! At the end when Diane asked her what do you want from him? there was this long pause and I was thinking “please say ‘nothing'” and that is exactly what she said. NOTHING.
Good for her. I hope lots of young girls watch both links.
ErinBrock
MATT:
A big hug and kudos to you.
No regrets!!!
Life DOES get better…….
I want to tell you again, you are a big asset to my healing process…..your a wonderful additoin to the LF family and I am so very glad you are in the place you are today…….
You’ve come a long way baby!
BTW….I sent you more donuts for the occasion, but I see you have brownies……
And I bet you are heading to the market to explore all the options of what 3 tubs of whip cream can do for ya!!!
Congratulations!!!
lostingrief
justabouthealed: I said the same thing to myself!!! say nothing! SAY ‘NOTHING!’
good for her.
she’s beautiful, talented, young … and smart!
Rosa
Matt:
It’s about 4:00 in NYC? Are you just getting up?
Must have been a good night, filled with BROWNIES!
((Picture big red hearts all over this post 🙂 ))