By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
no contact. i “blew a gasket” he said 10 months ago and it’s my fault i ran him away. i know this was the best thing i could have done, i stood up for me. i miss him or what i thought was him, i miss the person i thought and wanted him to be but every time i have contact i feel poisoned and have to heal again.
That’s the cycle.
I’m glad you see the light.
Sotired,
“i miss him or what i thought was him”
This was the hardest for me to come to grips with. What he pretended to be was what every wife, and mother could hope or dream of (minus the romantic sexual connection – which should have been a clue). He was SO attentive, such a caregiver, managed every detail, including helping with midnight changing of diapers, and laundry. He was Mr. Mom. Since I was so starved for nurturing early in my life, I made a magical deal with the devil to not complain about the lack of intimate connection because he seemed so perfect about every other aspect. That is…until behaving this way no longer served to get him attention from his family of origion. They were all seperating, divorcing, having extra marital affairs… so, the buzz about having a family with kids lost it’s appeal. Nobody in his family system valued this, anymore. Therefore, there would be no more attention for being Mr. Mom. Our kids were the youngest in the family system, and still needed a cohesive family system to protect and guild them, while providing a foundation to launch from. It didn’t matter. Without his whole family on board with Play Acting the part of a “functional family” doing so lost it’s appeal…and the mask slipped, giving me the first glimps of who he really is. I could NOT accept it. I was too devoted to the image, the illusion of who he portrayed himself to be. And, like eveything else in my life, when the going gets tough, I roll up my sleeves and go on a mission to fix what’s broken.
Skylar wrote:
“I wish my P had hit me, just once. Without that physical beating, I was clueless.”
I hear ya on this one. I used to say in the beginning of the end, “I wish he’d just rage on me, then I’d know for sure what I was dealing with. However, because he does so many thoughtful things, it makes my dissatisfaction with the emotional distance, mixed messages, lack of eye contact, and unwillingness to do anything together without the kids, seem petty and selfish on my part. How could I complain? What right did I have to protest? He was, in my eyes (clouded by the smoke screen) perfect to me. I would feel guilty for not being more appreciative.
Hmmmm…What I find ironic, is while we were together, I was always depressed. Even when money was great, and the kids were thriving… I was seriously depressed, and needed to take prozac to manage the depression. When I changed the locks – two years AFTER he threaten to kill me, while cutting off my air supply with the bone of his forearm pressed against my neck – I no longer needed Prozac. And, no matter how terrifying his threats have been since, or the level of poverty we’ve experienced, I still do not feel the need to take an anti-depressant. Forcing myself to accept the illusion, caused depression. Living in reality, no matter how difficult it is…depression free. Go figure.
And, Skylar…if hitting would have made a difference, then why did it take me TWO YEARS after having my life threatened, to change the locks? It’s a mystery.
EB, if he had hit me, I would have left. I remember how many times I thought it over 25 years: “please hit me mo-fo, because that’ll be the end.” He knew the exact position of my boundaries and he never raised a hand.
But I did leave him for not paying back my $5000 in 1989 and I came back when he paid it. after that it was always a pity ploy about why we couldn’t seem to make ends meet and my money got funnelled more stealthily. At the end, my first wake up was when I realized he was conning me about homeland security in order to take the business out of my name. Again, money raised a red flag while emotional abuse flew under the radar. My p-parents DID teach me the value of money because it’s the only thing THEY value.
But I need to get to the heart of the matter here.
HE HAS NO CONTROL OVER MY EMOTIONS ANYMORE. I FEEL NOTHING FOR HIM. I’VE REMOVED THE BUTTONS. ANY CONTACT I HAVE WITH HIM SERVES TO FRUSTRATE HIM AND IT REMOVES THE MEMORY OF REWARD-FEEDBACK CYCLE. all my responses are so unpredictable that he keeps asking me if I’m: a witch, bi-polar, multiple personality, under the control of a guru…etc…
HE CANNOT HURT ME EMOTIONALLY and having NC will not change whether he can hurt me physically because he has never touched me. He is dangerous because his methods are slander, sabotage and poison. He will work in stealth he has never and will never hit me. EVERYTHING HE DOES IS STEALTH.
The only ones who can hurt me emotionally are YOU guys here at LF. AND YOU HAVE. AND I’M DONE. YOU CLAIM TO BE SO EMPATHIC BUT I’VE PUT UP WITH IT LONG ENOUGH, I’VE BEEN GOOD-NATURED AND I’VE LAUGHED AT YOUR SKILLET BOINKING.
I ASKED YOU TO STOP JUDGING ME AND MY METHODS FOR SURVIVAL. THEY ARE MY METHODS BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE WITH THIS PARTICULAR SOCIOPATH.
AND I’M DONE. I’M GOING NC. WITH YOU.
Sorry to say good bye to those of you who weren’t guilty of this crap, but you all know the rules which Kathleen laid out:
#3 Reduce your pain tolerance to zero in voluntary interpersonal relationshits.
I can’t go NC with LF boinkers without losing the whole gang. bye.
Did I say something wrong?
Dear Isabell,
NO you did not say anyting wrong! (((hugs))))
Skylar:
To clarify……
I was not judging you, only to be able to understand your why, as to be able to offer you my support.
I believe you are a valued member of LF and even though I don’t always agree with you and you me, I have enjoyed your comraderie, spirit and posts.
There is nothing more to say.
Isabell:
It’s amazing how many symptoms of illness we have while under stress in bad relationships.
The quickest way to health is to take the NC pill……it’s cheap, easy to get, fast acting and always available!
The NC pill seems to rectify all the various symptoms of any ailment.
It even works on crazy-mentally ill women-beautifully and quick!
It’s the one ‘medication’ we should all keep in our purses, in our nightstands, bathrooms, cars, and offices……
I told you didnt I ,that in the 4 months, total NC by phone or email with my daughter,D,{and on 8th Dec this year it will be one year NC with seeing her.}my blood pressure has gone from 148 over 100 to 126 over 80!My doc said thet I now have the blood pressure of a teenager!Not sureif thats a good thing, LOL!} And on the exact same meds!!How good is that? proves my stress levels are WAY down!! Love,and HUGs .gemXX
Ok, I just got back from dropping my daughter off at her Homecoming dance. And, read further up this post….
A wise and profound man told me exactly what to expect. He wrote the play by play that was to come for me. He was a retired busienss consultant, who was helping me unravel the financial mess we were in. As I answered his questions, did the homework, and poured over the details to give him the answers to which he was asking, he saw the writing on the wall – and, tried desperately to warn me. I wrote his warnings off; explaining my ex as ignorant, and incapable of the plot the consultant was trying to protect me from.
In the end, the consultant was spot on. What he warned me about, and the reasons I couldn’t see it, were as accurate as my own image in the mirror. So, why didn’t I listen?
The enormity of the delusion was more then I could digest. I was too heavily invested in the make-believe to have accepted an alternative reality with more clarity. It took time. Lots of time. One piece of reality at a time, kind of time. Had I been force fed the totality of the lie I was suckered into living, I probably would have self destructed, instantaniously. I was SO committed to the illusion – heart, mind, body, and soul committed. That kind of committment isn’t easily broken. It takes time…
I, too, was angry with anyone who dared I believe otherwise. I was angry with anyone who became more passionate about my reality then I was. I resented anyone who showed me anything other then the imaginary that I was so heavily invested in. What do they know? How could they know? They don’t know.. because they are NOT me. And, as such…I would disconnect from them. It just hurt too much to accept, or absorb that so many years of my life was a nothing more then a lie. I was NOT ready to accept that my intuitive, insightfully brilliant understanding of the situation, and of my preditor, was keeping me stuck.
Believe me, there are days, in fact, everyday…still, when I talk to him in my head… beliving if I said it this way, or worded it that way, or expressed it with enough…whatever, he would get it. I play the scenarios out in my imagination, and I beleive he will have an “ah” moment, if I could only…”
Now, I know that this kind of thinking may be my deepest wish, because it would mean that so much of my life was not wasted in the abyse of nothingness.
But… the reality is, in spite of the nothingness, there are four realities that exist in the here and now. Four reasons to let the grand illusion go. Four reminders of my hopes denied; betrayed. Four seedlings of hope that have nothing to do with my dreams shattered, but have a future of their own… And, for this reason alone… I dared to wake up, and face the loss of my dreams, so I can be free to support, sponsor, and provide a foundation for which their dreams can launch uninterupted.
The greatest gift I’ve ever given to myself, or my children…has been the gift of NC. From NC, I can see clearly now, the rain has gone.. All of the dark clouds have disappered. Gone are the dark days that had me down… It’s going to be a bright, bright.. sun shiny day.