By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Isabelle, many years ago, a very nice and wise bank mnager tried to talk sense into me too. It didnt work.Id just seen my daughter,d. after 6 months. By this time Id left her dad after he beat me up, and Id moved into a tiny flatin Fairlight, a suburb of Sydney, by the sea. This day, I was having a fruit juice in a health bar in manly. who should walk in but my P daughter, {then aged about19}. I was so thrilled to see her, and hugged and kissed her. she was in a sarong, bare feet, ankle bracelets, no bra, t shirt with sleeves torn out,head in a bandana, no make up,but with her pretty face she still looked good! She was at th time living in a squat, in Manly. she told me her Dad,{whom shed been living with, with her sister,C} had thrown out all her clothes so she had nothin gto wear, no undies, bras, nighties, etc. I was horrified, and rang him up to see what was going on.He told me,
“By this time shed run away again to the squat,and I rang he rup to say, come and pick up your stuff, mainly her clothes, bedding, etc.} he said, I waited a month, still no sign of her, so i put her bedspread on the floor, dumped all her clean clothes on it, tied it in a knot, threw it in the car, and took it to the dump.” So after this sob story, I went ot se my bank manager, and d him for a loan to get my daughter some new clothes.I asked him for about $1,000 in case i neede dmore. I remember him loking at me over the top of his half moon glasses, and saying,”Do you think thats wise?’ “probably not, I said, “but its my daughter, what else can I do?”
With a chequefor $700 in my hot little hand, I went to the squat. she was out, but one of her best frinds, also a Debbie, was there, so she said shed give it to her, and also she promised to go with her to buy the things she needed.
I later found out that D went on a skiing holiday with that money, and never bought these clothes.! Also, that same week, she conned an extra $70- out o f her Dad, and also went to the welfar people dressed in rags with bare feet and a torn sarong on, and conned an emergency cheque from them, which also went on the skiing holiday!! It was all a game to her, she had no qualms, no consciense,no guilt, and sh still doesnt have these qualitiesto this day, at 45 years of age.She has now conned and used me for the LAST TIME.!! Sucker no more!!TOWANDA!!!{{HUGS}}!!! Gem.XX
Gem..
It’s hard to hear logic when only our heart, committed to what is possible, is listening.
Blessings to you, dear one.
Dear Isabell,
You are so spot on. I was warned about a P-boss I went to work for, and about a P-business associate I got involved with financially (not romantically) and looking back with the things I have now learned about these people I do NOT use the word P losely, they are text book cases. I didn’t listen either because each of them held out the thing I saw as a “carrot” and I could not believe evil about them, even though the people who warned me were trustworthy I just thought they were mistaken.
Thank you for your post, and you know, I think when we finally come to the realization that we MUST NC them and we had resisted this for so long, it really does make a difference. Each person must be in the spot to realize how important NC is. I had actually never even comtemplated that NC was truly POSSIBLE with my egg donor or my P-offspring, not for long any way, there would no, could not be a FOREVER NC with them. If I had even thought it was anymore possible than a ride to Mars I might have considered it, but I didn’t. It was ONLY with other people standing up to me that I FINALLY SAW that it was not only POSSIBLE, but was DESIRABLE and then finally that it was SALVATION. But for so long I didn’t listen either, fortunately, I did get to the point that I DID listen and I have a special place in my heart for the people who kept on nagging me.
20:20 HIND SIGHT!!! Thanks for your wonderful post!
Oxy…
You, my dear one, I should thank. NC became my goal with every post you made. NC became my quest with every example you gave. NC became my life saving grace with every response to my posts…
I adore you. And, thank you with the life of my children…. what a powerful infuence you’ve made in our lives… MAY GOD bless you and yours richly..
Yes, we all had people in our lives making ‘get out’, stop it, and NC comments…..until we are ready….for our own reasons…..we will continue to hear those words….we alienate those when we are ‘tired’ of hearing it…..and when we finally see the light, it’s those people we think of.
I have a GF that saw it since the onset…..she would always be ther to ‘wipe’ me off……she hated the ex.
She would gently tell me….EB…He’s not going to change….there were times I pulled away from her, she never stopped her attempts…..
She moved into saying…EB….I don’t want you to be 60 when you finally ‘get it’……but you’ll do what your gonna do…..
I continued with the …..oh, he’s changing, my fantasy thoughts…..
Her voice resonated in my head……and even after I booted him…..she would say….Oh, he’ll be back….you’ll let him back…….he will talk his way back in….you always do…..
NOW, several years later…..she says….I can’t believe you woke up!
I LOVE HER FOR HER consistency and honesty!!!!!!
Erin…
What a blessed friend. I thank God for her in your life. For without her, you would not be the dynamic woman you are to me, in my life…
Isabell:
Aren’t you a love! Thank you for your kind words and inspirations….
Hi Everyone and in particular, Sarasims.
Well, the last time I wrote I was still in a very bad place. After nearly five years of paying for everything, trying to make things right for him so it would be my fantasy love affair, forgiving lies, violence, verbal and mental abuse , falling time and again for the ‘I’m really sorry and really love you so much’ and ‘I am going to change,’ in March this year I got him out of my house and my business.
Like Sarasims I kept wanting to believe, but when I started to sob for no reason and my son and his girlfriend said on a visit, this is just not right, this is not like you, you are usually so strong. So I did it, I said he had to leave and he did, and within no time at all I was so much better. My son would call and say, Mum, you sound so much better, like your old self.
BUT….. The big mistake I made and continued to make, was maintain contact. He was very sorry for himself back living with his Mum, crying etc, so I felt so sorry for this man who could be so lovely and who I’m afraid I still fancied like mad. So, I kept up contact and encouraged him to start up his business again in the hope that once he got on his feet again he would start dating and leave me alone. Oh, when he left I gave him £800 to buy a van by the way.
Then, a few weeks after he had gone he had a near fatal bike crash. No, I did not rush up to see him even though that was my first thought, but in the pit of my being, I knew what would happen. I was strong to start, I didn’t offer for him to come back until he was better. He kept saying the accident ‘had changed him,’ and that he wanted ‘to come home’ even though I thought he realised that this was not his ‘home’ anymore. I even suspected that he might have had the accident on purpose, is that crazy?
So, in the end he appeared so different and even my son said well, sometimes these things do change people, and yes, I still wanted him physically, so I let him visit for a few days and it was good, he seemed different. I put a deposit on a romantic holiday that I would pay for of course and that I can’t really afford.
He visited twice more and started to work hard at his business saying he would prove himself and win me back. Then, on the third visit, suddenly, it wasn’t right again. Things started to slip back, there was some subtle bullying, ignoring me when I asked him not to do things, interfering in my affairs, the old arogance creeping back, and I saw BIG RED FLAGS.
What finally made me realise that I will have to NC is that when he went back to his Mum’s this time I was so glad to have my home to myself again. I emailed and told him that I was going to cancel the holiday even though I will loose the deposit, and that I don’t think we should contact each other for a while. Today he has been on the phone crying. He made me promise I would call tonight.
Dear Sarasims, take it from me and my mistake, NC is the only way, and like you, I am finding it hard to take that step, finding it hard to let go of the lie. I can’t fix him, I am not his mother. I am not responsible and nor are you.
That last time he was here he suddenly gave me that look, you know the one others talk about. I said something he didn’t like and I got that look, and that’s when something clicked. Dear Sarasims, one day something will finally click with you and you will know you are cured of the addiction.
We can do this together, go NC. What do you think?
Please, please, please don’t take him back again, and please know that we are all here backing you up.
Do you know I still haven’t cancelled the holiday because part of me still has this silly dream that it will all be OK.
Let’s both let go of the lie. I am going to cancel that holiday in the morning and plan a trip for me when I can afford it. You do something for YOU in the morning, and perhaps we can both go NC.
Oh, and Sarasims, keep logging on here. It helped me get the strength to get the man out of my house, and although I have slipped back, reading today has helped me again.
My love to you all.
Dear Isabell,
I am so glad that my words about NC helped you to stand tall and embrace NC and I am glad that you were READY to embrace NC. Not everyone is ready, some never get ready and I am so sorry for them that they are not able to embrace the one thing that seems to me to make healing POSSIBLE.
I know that as long as I had contact with these people I got NEW injuries, new pains, every time I had contact, so HOW COULD I HEAL? Even after physical NC I had to go a step further with “EMOTIONAL” NC and then I really started to feel lmuch better, to think better, to embrace MY NEEDS.
Learning to set the NC boundary is important, and it allowed me to VISUALIZE that boundary with OTHERS in my life who were toxic to me, and I embraced NC with them as well.
As Matt said “thinning down the Rolodex” of these toxic people, and drawing closer to those that are good people who are good to us and love us. That is the way to peace and ultimately happiness.
I’m glad you are here Isabell and glad that you are embracing NC and embracing yourself and your children. Hang tough, you can do it, and stay on that road to healing and help to heal your children as well. ((((hugs))) and my prayers for us all here at LF.
Alot can happen here in a day. I hope you come back Skylar.
The “truth” pill can be the hardest of all for us to swallow.
We all initially come here in various stages of our own personal pain. For many of us the destruction created in our lives by the disordered or toxic individual in our lives is very raw.
Finally we have found a place where we can share our story and someone “gets it.” For alot of us this is a first.
LF is a place to share with each other, and to, learn, challenge, voice opinions, bond, debate, and empathize.
But for most of us it is a place to heal.
LF can be compared to a 12 step program, or similar self help group.
ADMITTING we have a “problem” and our lives have become unmanageable.
I think most of us have done this by the time we arrive here to these pages. We need “help” and we come to explore the avenues of healing.
N/C with alcohol (AA 12 steps) and N/C with the toxic individual in our lives is symbolically one and the same.
But as with a 12 step program, just removing the alcohol or the toxic person in our lives is just the BEGINING of the healing journey. The hardest part is yet to come.
We to, can fall off the “wagon”. This would be the place to share that. Just like an AA meeting would be the place for an alcoholic to share this information.
Skylar, I don’t believe that anyone here was trying to “judge” you, for your choice of not staying N/C.
Although you were recieving “boinks”, the same as you would recieve at a 12 step meeting if you had a drink. Alcoholics can not entertain the idea that they may drink, because they are cured of their disease.
Alcohol can kill an alcoholic in the same way contact with an S/P/N can kill you. And it is not always in the LITERAL sense although it CAN be.
Once you start to rationalize that you are “different” or that your situation is different, it is a very slippery slop.
I think that was the warning that you were given by people who do care for you.
An alcoholic who is “drinking again” will soon stop coming to AA mettings. Because he isn’t hearing what he wants to hear.
No one at the meetings is going to deem his situation as “special” and that he can “control” his drinking.
And that is really the “heart of the matter.” It is hard for us who care about you to hear you say that you THINK can “control” your S/P/N. Because that is just not possible.