By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
I just wanted to say I miss Skylar – I hope she does check in and know we
all care for her – and are pulling for her no matter what her decision is…
I’ve understood where she was coming from, I’ve done it myself with my
person – thinking I could ‘handle’ him better by not going NC, it’s still in
my head at times that allowing contact from time to time is better for me
in that he will be less angry or hostile in the ways he would follow up if
I go total NC. But any kind of ignoring or pulling back from total attention
to him when HE wants it, always draws a response. It’s been a long, lingering withdrawal for me and I see now NC a long time ago would have speeded up my healing (and his, if possible) and getting on with my life much sooner.
Skylar, come back!
Dear Witsend,
Thank you for that post to Skylar. I was thinking of the 12 step analogy myself but never had the specific words to describe it like you so wonderfully did. Very spot on I think.
I too hope that she realizes what is happening, and will come back here. No one here that I have seen posted anything angry to her, only that she was self destructing like the guy at the AA meeting that was trying to convince the other people at AA that “they could handle social drinking.”
Maybe not everyone is “addicted” to the psychopaths they encounter or even heavily connected to them, but I think anyone who has had a serious encounter with a psychopath is somewhat addicted to it–especially if it is a lover. I know I was totally addicted to the P I dated and fell in love with after my husband died. Going NC with him was the hardest thing I ever did at that time. EACH NC has subsequently been the “hardest thing” I had ever done up to that time. The very idea was anathemia to me–my egg donor? My P-offspring? Unbelieveably hard but NECESSARY.
My life has very little “drama” in it now, and that was an eye opener as well. Without drama to keep my mind busy what would I DO? Think about? Enjoy? Sheesh, I had to DEVELOP A LIFE without drama? How do you do that? How will my life be INTERESTING WITHOUT DRAMA? LOL
Well, life is fun without drama, interezsting without drama and enjoyable without drama. My “new drama” is things I discover that interest me, reading, learning, doing, and growing. Being aware of what is around me that the drama kept me from seeing. the joy in simple things, the joy and peace in waking up each day without fear and anxiety. The safety in being responsible only for myself. Wow! a whole new concept of my world! And a wonderful one.
So many good posts. Before I move forward, I have to urge all of you to go see the movie “The Education.” I don’t want to give the plot away, but it was one of the most riveting portrayals of a sociopath I have ever seen — from the charm bombardment in the beginning which not only envelops the target, but her parents (aka dupes), to the deciet and lies which lead the target to rationalize away his behavior and destroy her own life in the process, to the ultimate denoument — how, when confronted with the truth, steals away rather than own up to what he has done. Definitely 5 star entertainment.
Isabell, you are so dead-on when you talk about having to take prozac just to continue to try to cope with the craziness the S made in your life and how once he was gone, not only did you no longer need the prozac, but the fog lifted and you were able to see things clearly and what you needed to do in your life. In the 15 months I was with S, I was popping clonopin like candy to deal with the unceasing anxiety, tossing back ambien to sleep, and drinking enough alcohol to try to shove back all my doubts that the alcohol industry declared special dividends.
A year later, I don’t need any of it. Even grappling with my financial issues and unemployment my mood is suprisingly good without all the craziness.
Also when you talked about the financial consultant and how you refused to believe what he was saying — ain’t that the kicker? I kept introducing my friends to S — and they all were concerned from the word go. But, I didn’t want to see it. When I first posted here about a year ago, I remember saying that I expected to crawl over miles of broken glass on my bare stomach before my friends and family would have anything to do with me after hearing all about S and his antics. I’ve been lucky that they have been more forgiving. Now, in the clear light of day and being S free, I see what they said and I absolutely cringe with embarassment at the extent of cranio-rectal inversion (thanks for that one OxDrover) that I was experiencing.
Btw: didn’t you have a court hearing on 6 November? How did it go?
Geminigirl: That taking a loan to help out your daughter. Boy can I relate. As I shelled out more and more for S my friends were all saying “are you sure that is wise?” If I could get back 10 cents on the dollar for what I expended on S, I would be a happy man.
newstart12: Trust me when I tell you that the smartest thing you ever did was tell him the vacation was off. When I first posted a year ago, part of my story was on my regret that I didn’t do that. The week we were leaving for my family’s villa in Greece, he was facing eviction. First he tried to strong arm 6 months back rent out of me. I said no because I had already paid 3 months. Instead of telling him that he should stay at home and deal with his pending eviction, I, to my everlasting regret, helped him get his eviction stayed due to a legal technicality. We got to Greece and he promptly ripped of my neighbor’s villa. He absolutely destroyed my memories of a place that had been special to me my entire life. I admire your guts in pulling the plug.
ErinB: “he’s changing” (my fantasy thought). Yup. With my S I was his lawyer, lover, social director and ATM. I was a one-man Salvation Army. Mine never changed. He just got worse and worse. Now? The only changing I hope he does is when they take away his civilian clothes and order him to put on that orange prison jumpsuit.
persophone7: Hang in there with NC. It really does help the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) lift.
witsend: excellent analogy to AA. I know that Skylar’s ire was directed at my posting regarding the necessity of NC. But, I stand by my original position that NC is the only way to go. As you and so many others on this thread have pointed out, breaking NC is the ultimately slippery slope.
OxDrover: excellent point about the difficulty of disentangling yourself from these creatures when you are romantically involved with them. I actually found it easier to disengage from that cluster of cluster Bs called my family.
Now I’ve got to start dinner. First course is what I call “Triple-B Butternut Squash”. The cluster Bs in this recipe are butter, brown sugar and bourbon. Bon apetit.
Matt:
It’s so nice to have you here, a good man who has been through the ring
of fire himself…Boy, that squash recipe sounds good, think I could substitute brandy for the bourbon (wouldn’t mess up the Triple-B!)?
I’ll stick with NC, I will think more and more of it as being like AA, and in
respect to Skylar’s struggle with it.
I’m going to go play tennis now while the sun’s still out!
Dear Matt,
I second persephone’s “glad to have you here”–I’ve seen you go from fractured to whole and I’m glad that you found your way to LF, your legal knowledge has been so helpful to so many people here. Your kindly sharing that knowledge and expertiese with them has been a much needed thing here. I think you should do a “legal Eagle” article weekly for everyone’s benefit! I know different laws in different states, etc. but just from a general point of view! I think it would be good for LF!!!!
Can we take a vote on that folks!!! All in favor say Yea!!!
Yea!!!
Hi Kim,
How are you doing today?
Hi witsend. I guess I’m okay. Feeling a little blue….I’m lonely and a little bored. Just generally in a funk. But I’m going to take a warm bubble bath, and get in my comfy jammies, curl up with my cat, and watch the Jaycee Dugard story, on at 9 o’clock. How are you? Things any better at home?
kim frederick,
It is kind of a blue day over here to. The weather was wonderful, likely the last we will see of a beautiful day on a weekend here in my neck of the woods. I was saddened that I had no one to share that nice weather with and do something out of doors.
I also am going to settle in for the evening with the TV as well. Glad you mentioned the program, maybe I will watch it to. What station, regular local station or cable?
PS, I liked your analogy of LF to AA. I use the twelve steps inmy life everyday, and they were what I leaned on, two years ago when I finally went NC.
You hear people in AA laugh all the time about being a new-comer and thinking that AA would teach them how to drink successfully. Nope. Not what AA’s about.
I watched a show yesterday, (I think it was dateline, but not sure) about a woman who was totally brutalized by her P husband. He was finally arrested, but my point is this: an expert in battered women syndrome made the statement that it takes seven tries, on the average for an abused woman to finally leave. That’s a lot of tries, but if you look atitlike an addiction, it’s not so surprising. Relapse happens. that’s why it’s soimportant to have a support system, and to be honest, and willing to trust, and listen.
God bless all of us. Amen.