By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
kim frederick
It’s on cable. TLC, channel 280.
super chic
skylar, I will miss you, I hope you come back.
geminigirl
Skylar darling I hope and pray you come back to us. But I agree with Oxy and everyone, that NC is our lifeblood, its the ONLY way to save our souls and sanity from these creatures. I know you think your in control of the situation with your ex p, but you will NEVER win with him. he will never help, heal, or validate you and you need all your precious energy to stay whole, healthy, and sane! We all do. We love you and our boinks are love boinks. One extra letter spells SKYLARK ie, a beautiful bird who sings her heart out, as she flies close and closer to the Heavens! Thats you! A beautiful, talented precious bird. Come back, we miss you! Love and {{HUGS!!}}}. Gem.XXXIm still finding it VERY hard to stay NC with my narcP daughter, but I know for my own sanity, [not to mention my bank balance which is starting to recover!}
that I cannot have her back in my life.Sad but true.gem.XX
Kathleen Hawk
Skylar,
If you’re checking in, I just want to say that I understand and I hope you come back soon.
A lot of us have gone through periods where we really feel that we have to do this thing our own way (this is me with my hand up). And periods where we do not want to hear everyone else’s opinion of the way we’re doing it. (Here I am again.)
You’re a very smart woman. You’ve been doing your homework. And you’re progressing through your recovery.
Some of us figure out the virtues of disentanglement later than others. I was one of the late ones, and I don’t regret it. It was necessary for my way of healing. I don’t talk about this a lot, because I think I actually did it the hard way. But I did survive and I did get better.
Just take care of yourself. And come back when you want to. We’ll miss you. You are a stimulating voice who contributes a lot. And I will miss you particularly, because you really do remind me of myself.
A huge hug —
Kathy
PInow
Skylar, It’d be sad if you did not post again.
Please, do come back.
persephone7
Skylar:
I’m signing off for the night. But I agree with everything Kathleen said above. I cried tonight after what you said, I did take it personally that I disappointed you. But I also felt I shouldn’t have to defend myself here of all places, just like I’ve had to defend myself against the N or S or whatever he is in my life. You must be hurt but you should be so grateful
for the well-deserved love that so many people feel here for you. It’s
ok to give up the drama, it’s ok for me to cry because you struck a nerve,
it’s okay. I wrote something to you that was ‘not nice’ and then didn’t post it – right now I feel like I deserve support and not anything negative from you, not from anyone. Maybe you feel that way, too. You are very smart, maybe too smart for your own good sometimes but don’t get in your own way on this – look at how so many here really love you and miss you here – you
created that and should cherish that and not throw your friends here away.
skylar
Persephone,
I’m sorry I hurt you. I was trying to make a point about sticking to your convictions. Please forgive my acerbic tongue. I forgot to tell you how much I appreciated your first post, before the pink elephant commentj.
skylar
Kathy, thanks, I’ll never forget you as long as I live. I have your words printed out and they are my anchor. (hug)
persephone7
Skylar:
God, what a relief…you’re back. I forgive you and your tongue, just go
easy in the future, will you? Have a good night.
skylar
SC, keensight, witsend, PInow,
thanks, for your kindness. I just can’t be me anymore. If I know I’ll get attacked for being frank and honest I can’t be here. So then what is the point? I’ve never been a butt-kisser, I have to really FEEL like kissing someone’s but before I can do it.
I’ll continue my research, but I just can’t post all my findings here if I know I’ll be attacked for it – and it is quite obvious I will be attacked because my research sometimes includes observations in the field.