By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Skylar,
read what Mother Theresa Wrote:
People are unreasonable,
illogical, and self-centered,
LOVE THEM ANYWAY
If you do good, people will
accuse you of selfish,
ulterior motives,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
If you are successful, you win
false friends and true enemies,
SUCCEED ANYWAY
The good you do will
be forgotten tomorrow,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
Honesty and frankness
make you vulnerable,
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY
So, Be Honest, Be Frank. I have taken the hits here too. So?
Matt!!!!
Thank you, love.
I did have an appointment on Nov. 6th. I’ve finally realized that I am more passionate about my case than any attorney I hire. As such, I made sure my attorney was focused on what matters. Two other people, the ex father-in-law and the new wife, are on a checking account together, and as such… warrent being added as a “party to” my case.
My attorney commented..”You have so much evidence, properly documented, we won’t need all of it to present our case. If necessary, we can use….., but the reality is, we will only need to show ……. . And, he added, “[His] dad will be paying for the legal fees, and forensic accounting, since he made himself the central focus to confuse the case. He flpped sides too many times. It is suspected that he will flip sides again.. ::grins:: Hmmm… Jezeebel must not be able to hold her hypnotic gaze as long as I am able to hold my breath under water.. ::grins::
Thanks Matt.
It was so hard to cancel the holiday esp as I haven’t been away for two years and I was slipping back in to this fantasy of how I wanted it to be and how he keeps saying it will be, but never is. He is always going to pay his share but never does, and when we have been away in the past, he has always spoilt it in some way by turning nasty.
Why do we keep kidding ourselves that’s what I want to know. I read other posts on here and I can see so clearly what other people should do, but as you said youself, even when you knew you should not have gone to Greece, you still did.
This is the biggest puzzel of all; I look at other peoples stories sometimes and think, how could they let themselves be treated like that? Then, I let myself be treated the same way, very often knowing it’s going to happen.
I think the comments about childhood expectations were very interesting, there must be something in this, how we are conditioned, and then repeat the same mistakes.
I’m still fending off the texts and tearful messages. He says his life is ruined, he even accused me of planning it all.
He makes me feel guilty.
Dear Newshart,
I’d like to correct something in your above post. QUOTE: He makes me feel guilty.
NO he does NOT “make you” feel guilty, you CHOOSE to feel guilty in response to his BLAME PLACING. You can now, with this information see that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY any time he places HIS BLAME ON YOU.
NO one can MAKE us feel anything, we choose that emotion ni response to what they say or do, but we do NOT HAVE TO HAVE THAT EMOTION. They know how to push our buttons for “anger, guilt, sadness” etc. but we do NOT have to respond to those pushes. then he will try harder to get you to react like he wants you to, but you do NOT HAVE TO DO IT.
You did great canceling the holiday, and you can move up another notch and see that he is NOT in control of YOU, YOU are in control of you. Knowledge=Power, take back your power over your own emotions. YOU CAN DO IT!!!! (((HUGS))))
Hi Stargazer – Sounds pretty irrational – huh?? Anyone on the outside can see how totally ridiculous that whole story is. But all blind me sees is my desire for it to be true. That it was ALL a big misunderstanding and if given an opportunity and if treated like a person deserves to be treated, he will see the good and change. For me….for us! EARTH to ME!!!
Newstart12 – Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I know how very important it is for me to be here and that’s why I have been posting about what is going on. Hoping that all of you will lead me in the right direction. Pull me the other way!! And you guys always do!!
Today after a NC weekend, I’m feeling much better. I must admit that I was a BASKET CASE last week. I’m starting to see that I only get that way when he’s back in my life. Bc there is so much turmoil and destruction associated with his presence! I never know what will happen next – if he will act this way or that! He’s like a time bomb ticking – waiting to explode. Maybe the simple fact that he came back and asked for forgiveness should be my form of closure. A non-violent (meaning no harsh or hateful words) ending. One that I can live with. The thought the he does care bc the words came out of his mouth….EVEN though deep down I know the must really mean NOTHING! Just the simple thought of it and the thought of closure!
I’ve been waiting to hit that brick wall where I say NO MORE! I want to be there…..I so badly do. I want to stand up for me. I know from all of your comments that only I have the power to make it go away!
I’ve been reading Betrayal Bond and of course checking here for words of wisdom. And you guys are the greatest. I couldn’t get through my days without you!!! Each and every one of you have so much to offer. Hugs and love to all!
newstart12:
During 2008 we took 6 trips. I paid for everything. He ruined every one of them.
New Year’s in New Hope he started a fight because his friends had called me to confirm whether or not we were going because he had chosen to pull a vanishing act on them and they were about to lose their deposit. Then he started a fight because he claimed his friends kept saying “Let X pay for this round.” Didn’t happen, but of course it was my fault that “I put him in this position.” Fool that I was I grovelled to get back in his good graces instead of walking.
When I took him to the Cape we got into a fight and he threatened to take a bus home. I should have let him. Instead I grovelled again — and opened my wallet wider.
When I took him to WDC to see the cherry blossoms (WDC was important to me since I had gone to school there) he insisted we go to church. Not until we got there did I realize that his ex (two exes ago) was the priest and his intention was to sandbag a priest on the altar. I still cringe.
When I took him to the Delaware shore (two different trips) – he was snippy, snotty and argumentative. All prior good memories were eradicated. But, I was still determined to win back the “wonderful man I fell in love with.”
Before I took him to Greece, I made it very, very clear that things hadn’t been good for us for a long time and I viewed the trip as a chance for us to get back on track. I guess that was waving a red flag at that bull — the stunts he pulled in Greece, starting with ripping off my neighbor’s villa were truly staggering.
Tens of thousands of dollars wasted on that avaricious piece of sewage. And for what? To be made miserable. Thank God I finally saw the light and got rid of him. Trust me when I say that I have revisited most of those places this year — and formed new memories which helped to erradicate the toxic memories I had of my time with S.
I do however, have a question…..why is it…..2 months ago when he was VERY adament about me staying the F**K away from him….telling me I was crazy and that he never wanted to see me again, does he come back after 2 months of NC???? Two months that I have respected his wishes and stayed clear of ANY method of communication w/ him???!!!! If THEY (the SP) has choosen to make a break like that….so full of hate….why come back?
Sarasims,
Maybe something wasn’t “working” for him in his current situation. Perhaps he also thought he might bleed more than one at a time.
Whatever the reason, it wasn’t on your behalf you can be sure. It wasn’t for closure or any kind of self examination of “wrong doing” on his part.
His INTENTIONS were not good. That is what you might want to focus on.
Sarasims, whenitwas convenient forhim that you be out of his life, he made that clear. Now, for some reason, it is no longer convenient. Rememberthat theirprimary motivation is power. It’s possible that he realized that his going NC back-fired on him…that you were getting alongjust fine without him….and he couldn’t have that…..He needs to feel he has you in his emotional clutches. This makes him feel powerful and does wonders for his ego. It’s all about him. I think that they are masters at this cat and mouse game, and he’s right. Every time you re-engage you will be thrust right back into the chaos, the frustration, the confusion, and the pain. You will be starting over at square one.
He know exactly how long he can torture you and still return to start the cycle over. If he’d waited much longer you might have moved on. They are experts, and they enjoy every second of knowing they’ve got you.
So please, please let this low life form go. He is pond scum, and you are worth so much more. I’m praying for you! I absolutely know what you’re going through.
I asked someone once, “how do you know if you’ve hit a bottom?” Their answer, “When you quit digging the hole.”
Please quit digging the hole!
Sarasims:
I can guaranty that his “new gig” isn’t working for him and he’s coming back to bleed you a little bit more. This is a prime example of “crazy-making” behavior — you stay away, then I come back and mess with you, then I blow up at you and tell you to stop harassing me, etc, etc, etc.
Witsend is right — whatever he is up to, it sure isn’t to ensure your best interests. Focus on that.