By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
It’s as if I’m this silly child…..how many times everyone around me keeps saying “don’t touch the fire! It’s hot!!! It will burn you!!!” and I just keep on trying!
What you guys say makes COMPLETE and total sense. From afar I can SEE it. He is such pond scum and any other horrible word I can think of. And when he comes back, I keep thinking to myself…..ok I can say “go F**K yourself!!” or I can be the bigger person and say “I forgive you…it’s ok”.
It is a game…..I see that and it pisses me off. BC first he called last week scrapping the bottom of the earth with every excuse and apology for why he did what he did. He wanted to HEAR me say I still loved him. He had to hear it. He kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to know if I still loved him. Then….just like that something happened with the OW and the wife from his failed marriage and all of the sudden he couldn’t talk to me any longer bc he had to focus on fixing his marriage. So he said he would call me soon. I told him “look! You said that last time and then you treated me like shit!!” If you aren’t going to call again just tell me straight up and be done with it…..And his response was “I will call you as soon as I can.”
What the hell?? It is a game and I don’t like the way it makes me feel!!!! Constantly grasping at straws to understand what he is feeling about me. It sucks!! And it hurts!!
Before he wanted to be done with me….now it’s as if he’s trying to hold me at arms length for some reason. I’m sure it’s so that when it’s convenient for him, i’m here. But I REALLY don’t want to let that happen!! I’m better than being available only when convenient for HIM!
Sarasims:
“He kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to know if I still loved him.”
This is the hook. Every S knows exactly what our weakness is. I myself was a “love junkie”. Mine would toss an “I love you” out just when he knew I had reached my limit with him. I remember the day the last “I love you” expired in my text messaging. I felt like something had died in me.
I also was constantly trying to get S into therapy, to no avail. Of course, every time he knew I was at the end of my rope with him he’d chime in with “you’re right. I’ve been running from my problems. I really am going to contact those therapist/therapy providers whose names you got me.”
The last time he trotted that one out was the week we were supposed to be going to Greece and, oh, by the way, he was facing eviction the day we were leaving. I should have told him to stay home and deal with his own problems and that I would file on the trip insurance. He suspected as much, because out came the magic words, in a text message, about 10 minutes after I got his eviction stayed.
Cause and effect. That’s what is boils down to with these subhumans.
Examine what it is that you are projecting out there and that he is feeding into. I suspect you may very well be doing what I am.
Because never doubt these creatures are masters at figuring out exactly what we want/need to hear and using it against us.
“If you aren’t going to call again just tell me straight up and be done with it”..And his response was “I will call you as soon as I can.””
This is called a boundary violation. You set a boundary and he immediately violated it by refusing to respect it.
Of course you don’t like the way it makes you feel because you feel powerless.
Take back your power. Change your phone number. Change your email. Change your cell number. Change everything that you can. This is in your power. All you have to do afterwards is give your new number etc to friends, family, etc that you want to have it with the instruction that they are NOT to give it to S. If they do — toss them from your rolodex since obviously they cannot respect your boundaries.
And if none of that works for you, look at this from a different perspective — he is unavailable. Plain and simple. He’s got an OW. He’s got an ex-wife he still feels the need to “focus on fixing his marraige” with. My S pulled the same thing — he was always putting me into play with his last ex.
It made me feel like shit. It hurt me terribly. After that whole experience, I vowed that I would never get involved with somebody who wasn’t available 100 percent.
You have to get really clear on what it is you want exactly. If it is getting him out of your life, then, as I say, to get rid of a sociopath, you must become a sociopath. You have to turn off the guilt. The love. The obligation. The loyalty. The money. All of it. You have to view this as a fight for a scarce resource — yourself. This really does come down to a fight for your life.
Scare resource = you. You are worth it.
And the most effective weapon you have in this war is NC.
Only you can decide what is the right course of action for you to take. All I can do is tell you about my personal experience. If you want to read about it, check out December 2008 “Criminal Defense Attorney Falls for Sociopath.” A year of NC later, I the craziness is over, I actually feel good about myself, and I am with a wonderful man who doesn’t put me through the bullshit that my S used to and your S continues to put you through.
Matt, yes, boundry violation. He effectively got you, Sarasims, back into the holding pattern and went about his business without you. Scum bags, all of them!!!
I like the idea of thinking of myself as a scarce resource. Thanks, Matt.
kim frederick:
“holding pattern”. I never thought of my relationship with S in that context before, but it is a very good description.
My life was dedicated to obsessing about his needs, obsessing about his problems, obsessing about why he was so angry at me, obsessing about what I could do to get him to spend more time with me, etc, etc, etc. MY LIFE became a holding patterns while I dedicated my life to him. Meanwhile, I hung in there for the occasional crumb he threw me, greatful when he called, hanging onto every text (stupid me didn’t realize that when he was texting it meant he was up to no good behind my back). He had me right where he wanted me.
Actually, now that I think about it, maybe holding pattern doesn’t accurately describe what MY LIFE became with S. Because the phrase “holding pattern” implies that the status quo continues. In my case I lost friends, money, my self respect and so many other things during that so-called relationship. So, my life definitely diminished.
But, I still think you’re spot on, kim frederick, when you said to sarasims that her life is back in a holding pattern, vis-a-vis her S.
Hi Matt and Kim – Thanks so much for your detailed analysis on my situation, and ultimately all of situations! I have never thought of it in this manner. But your boundary violation and Kim’s holding pattern makes complete sense to me!! I can never set a boundary with him bc he always wants to “keep his options open”! And by doing that it puts me right where he wants me…..a holding pattern…..his convenient store! Scum bag is right!
I am panicky.
I have been soooooo good. I have told myself not to react, I have been on my best behavior.
HE CALLED THE AUTORITIES ON MY SON”S DAYCARE!
she was not found at fault, but the investigation continues. They have to call and qiestion and inform all her clients that she is being investigated.
He made an anonmous call after threatening me that she would be getting a visitor.
He hired a PI to watch her. Said she was watching more than she was licensed to watch.
I told him over and over if he didn’t like her (he’s never met her) to find a new place for our son.
Why can’t my attorney see this. I want her to contact My son’s law guardian.
MATT, maybe you have some advice.
He obviously does not have my son’s well being at heart. My son was so safe and happy in her christian care. All her clients are now livid that someone would call the authorities on her.
Is that what you do when you want what’s best for your son?
He had no fault against her except that he thought she had too many kids…even if that is true, which I don’t know. Is my son in danger?
Do you think the SOB P even called around to check on other care?
He won’t even agree to pay her rate of $125/week, and now I must seek other care whcih I am told will be $175/wk and up.
We have joint legal custody. I must find care by thursday. Thankfully P has our son till wednesday and i have veteran’s day off.
BUt he has to consent to this care…he put me and our son in this situation. I am now forced to make phone calls and visits to seek and approve care. He will do nothing. And he will not pay for it either.
WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?
HOW WILL I NOT LOOSE MY MIND?
banana:
As hard as it is, you must take the emotion out of this issue. If you get emotional with an S, the game is over before it begins. You have to stick SOLELY TO THE FACTS, okay? Judges don’t like emotion, but they LOVE facts. So, proceeding on that basis, I have several questions for you:
First, you have to establish what actually took place with the daycare provider. Whether or not your ex “thought” she had too many kids is a matter of law, not the say so of your jackass ex or a PI. This is the first fact you have to establish, whether or not your child stays in that daycare facility. Why do you have to establish this? Because you have to prove that YOU acted responsibly when you selected her. If she is licensed, not taking in too many kids and had no complaints against her at the time you selected her, you acted responsibly. I don’t mean this to sound glib, but Christian or not, if she is not State licensed and in good standing, you have a problem. So, first you’ve got to prove she was fit at the time you enrolled your child.
A PI is not a State licensing authority. Did he (your ex or the PI) actually file a complaint with the State or did he just call her and threaten to, thus pissing everybody off. This is easy to verify. Call the State agency that licenses daycare and ask THEM if your daycare provider is licensed and is in good standing. In particular, ask if she has violated the law with respect to the number of kids she is taking care of.
Quite frankly, I seriously doubt your ex hired a PI at all and just said that to yank your chain and get you upset. Whatever the case, if the State agency which licenses daycare providers doesn’t have a beef with her, case closed as to her fitness.
Second, has the daycare provider now said she refuses to take care of your son because of your ex’s antics/accusations? If she hasn’t then I would keep your child in the daycare and tell your ex that he can raise his concerns as to the fitness of daycare in a court hearing. Kick his issues back into his camp and let HIM initiate a court proceeding.
Third, what do your custody and other agreements say about decision making and how differences are resolved? If not, this has to be rectified in your agreement. If so, and says you both have to agree, then you’ve got a problem.
Since your ex is interfering with your abilty to earn a living, I would tell the court that this is the case and ask the court to rule that if you find suitable, state-licensed daycare, that he cannot interfere with that decision UNLESS he has a suitable alternative.
The thing is, he has you dancing to his tune — he says whatever decision you have made is wrong, but he doesn’t give a constructive alternative. You have to put yourself in the driver’s seat again. If I were your attorney I would be arguing that S (a) is not offering any contructive options; (b) is interfering with your ability to earn a living; (c) if this continues and you lose your job, you and your child will become dependent on the state (judges really hate seeing people become dependent on state aid) and (d) whatever the current arrangements are clearly are not working and these are YOUR proposals.
And then I would give the judge several daycare alternatives — have copies of the state licenses, that they are complaint with state law and are all fit and safe alternatives for child care. You can probably get this info off your state licensing agency’s website.
Also, if you have to find substitute daycare right away, I would go out, select a daycare provider, again verifiying that it is compliant with STate law and place your child in it. Yes, your ex will kick and scream. Tough. Tell him he can have his lawyer go to court and demand a hearing. In the interim, the daycare is legal and will do.
Also, if the daycare if more expensive because of your ex’s interference, I would make sure that the judge is aware of that and ask him to order your ex to pay the difference. One thing these idiot Ss understand is money — especially when they have to pay.
As you yourself realize, he doesn’t give a damn about your son or his happiness. Your son is just a pawn in his scheme to make you miserable. I realize NC is not an option in this case. However, you have to be emotionless, and then follow the literal letter of your custody and support agreements with NO variations. If the agreement says he has to pick up your child at 8:30AM and return him by 5PM that’s what it means. It does not mean 9:45AM or 7:20PM. Whatever his visitation days are, again, no variations.
The whole goal here is to take away his power to play with you. If he isn’t where he is supposed to be and when he is supposed to be there — you go. No waiting around. Nothing. And then you document each and every infraction.
Bottom line: you play by the law — show you are acting responsibly, and take away his ability to screw with you.
I wrote a long post and it disappeared! I was glad to see matt’s post……I concur!!!
DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL! DO NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH THE EX! It gives him power over you, you let him see the results of his plays.
I also agree with Matt’s take on the PI…..DOUBT IT!!!! A PI is not cheap…..a couple grand for a surveilance…..
What would this serve him?
Follow the law, this was my biggest asset! If you don’t give him anything to fight, you can dump it back on him…..
I really have nothing more to add to Matt’s post…..glad I saw it after I lost mine…..
I know it’s a bummer, but expect it……in the COURT ORDERED custody arrangements ask your attorney to ask for NO VETO POWERS. Since your the primary care giver, he can’t have veto powers. It has to be spelled out!
Document, document, document, and take any and all emotion out.
Good luck and remember to breeaaathhhhh
ErinBrock:
Now I just lost my post. Thanks for the “NO VETO POWERS” input. I was drawing a blank on that one.
If Elizabeth Conley is out there, I remember awhile back you talking about how a friend of your’s dealt with her ex who was an S. I remember how she was dull as library paste in talking to him a monotone, repeating over and over to him what she needed to convey. Anyhow, it was good advice and if you can recall what you said, might help banana in this case.